to ask if you think a sahm should wake wohm in this instance

[devon004]

So we have a toddler who still wakes occasionally the night. And 2 primary aged dc. I do all the night wakings without a problem. (Cosleep so quick breastfeed sorts it) Dh has never assisted. This is all fine as he has a long commute and works long hours.
However last night ds1 comes in to announce he has been sick. He is fine and goes back to bed. However, the vomit went everywhere and the commotion was enough to wake toddler dd. So I am cleaning walls, beds, carpets and all the random objects the vomit landed on and sorting out dd.
Dh either didn't hear or choose to ignore it as I was dealing with it.
so should I be waking him in this situation? Will he crash the car if he doesn't grt enough rest? (he said this in the early days when dd would be awake for hours at a time)
thoughts please Mn jury.

I very much doubt the GF has any dcs.

I've been thinking about this a lot while this thread has progressed.

I have never benefitted (in a sleep sense) from being the sole breadwinner and working parent, at least not in the "oh she needs her sleep because her days are tough" sense. I am very very tired.

And I have a loving partner who is a committed SAHD who does lots of the home maintenance / management stuff.

But we still split nights with DD 50:50, because competing on who is most tired is a battle no one can win. And because no one is nice when tired

So I do see where Penguins is coming from in terms of inherent misogyny. Maybe not explicit misogyny but bloody hell blokes often get away with doing fuck all if you look at who is doing what to raise the next generation. Paying for things isn't sufficient, I manage to do that and parent as well.

I have been thinking the same sweet. I guess it's partly because as a woman we traditionally do night wakings in the early days due to breastfeeding. Most working woh women do seem to still do a fair share of night wakings.

Devon, does he do a night at the weekend? Me and my DH always made sure the person who wasn't working and doing the nights had a night off at the weekend and that worked well. And yes, when things happen like the D&V it's always acceptable to expect help.

I just find it frustrating that on threads like this you always get a full compliment of people saying the WOHP should be doing all/half the night feeds. All very nice when you're pontificating on a forum. Slightly less idealistic if a poster follows up on the advice and ends up with a partner sacked or with a stalled career because they're constantly fucking up at work because they're knackered.

Nobody is saying they should do them all are they, unless I've missed some posts? Just that they should help out sometimes/share the load if necessary!

As a working single parent, I'm entirely on your side devon. I only came on here to tell the people that were saying that someone that drives 70 miles a day needs to have uninterrupted sleep to sod off!

Of course sick children are both your responsibility. I hope you all have a better night tonight

No I do every night aermingers. I do get an extra hour in bed during the week in the morning but dh is generally in bed 11/2 before me. Generally I am up 1st at weekends too.I used to get snuggly Saturday morning lie ins with newborn but this stopped when older two stopped doing the activity. Now I get the odd lie in but maybe 1 every 6 weeks when we all have to be up and out.

And actually me doing every night with dd is easier as I can settle her quickly. I guess I just feel that maybe on the random nights when I am under the kosh than maybe I should stop being a martyr and ask for help.

Thank you odd

So he wouldn't get up for weekend vomit either? I am sorry Devon, but I think he knows he has a cushy deal and is milking it.

It's fine to wake the sahp, some nights are a two parent event.

Before having children I used to be on an on call rota and during that week would have disturbed nights, every night. Some nights was up for hours and still managed to safetly commute in and do a full days work. Other nights I would drive to a site in the night, order new parts, sleep on the floor for 60 mins whilst they arrived, install, then drive to the office, stoping off for a maccy d's on the way. The next night I could muster up the energy to go to the pub with friends.

I returned to work with a baby that wouldnt sleep through and still on the on call rota, it was tiring but nothing terrible happened. I even managed to bring in money and not get sacked, gosh. Like half the younger guys who managed a very very busy social life, all nighters, , on call, and work. I really hope that these days none of them are claiming to need all the unbroken nights since they've had children. They seemed to cope so well and get promoted and study.

Yes, if you need help next time wake him. People do cope with jobs and being tired occasionally.

Sorry its fine to wake the none sahp.

I have both stayed at home and been the full time breadwinner. Working was far far more difficult and stressful than staying at home - however circumstances dictated that I had to go back full time and DH stayed at home with the boys.

He would never wake me for dealing with night time illness unless he wanted my specific medical input. He also gets up early at the weekend - both days - if I want a lie in.

It's not as clear cut as "a decent parent would get up too" or "of course the wohp should be woken" as each person, family set up, sleep deprivation tolerance, work roles and responsibilities are different.

That said last night I got up with vomity DS2 and made sure DH stayed snoozing - and I've just sent DH back to bed for a nap after breakfast - as the nature of the job means I am more functional after being up in the night than he is. I'm not working this weekend so no requirements for all cylinders functional and I run very well on tiredness in the short term. Every situation is different even within the same family setup.

It's not as clear cut as "a decent parent would get up too" or "of course the wohp should be woken" as each person, family set up, sleep deprivation tolerance, work roles and responsibilities are different.

That may be true. But it's also true that any parent who thinks that their work responsibilities give them an automatic entitlement to have their sleep protected, including on nights that they aren't working the following day, is being massively selfish. The other parent may not mind, in which case it won't cause friction. Or they may, in which case it will. But there is no logical reason even a brain surgeon or air traffic controller can't do their share of mornings and interrupted nights when not working.
And no reason that the vast majority of people can't manage to help out as a one off even when the are.

There is another interesting dimension to this.

Many children don't sleep well when they are little.
Most people have children at some point.
Most people have jobs while they are having children.

Maybe we as a society should find a better way of accommodating this in the workforce rather than just assuming there will be someone at home dealing with it unpaid.

Devon that's not fair. He should be letting you get some rest at least one day at the weekend. I think you should talk to him about that. One day each to have a little lie in at the weekend and catch up on sleep is only fair.

It doesn't have to be lying in until midday, but him getting up one day and giving the kids breakfast and getting them dressed is only fair. Maybe you do the same thing the other weekend day while he lies in?

Me and my DH do that. It does work quite well, and it's really nice for our kids to have a bit of one to one time with their Dad and he enjoys it too. Could you suggest that to him? If I didn't have time to catch up on sleep at least one morning on the weekend I would be bloody knackered.

(I'm not trying to claim we're perfect, we have just found a good balance with this one thing!)

I do actually think he believes that because he is up one hour before me in the week that he is entitled to lie in at the weekends and no night wakings. He did seem unaware that ds1 had been ill but when dd was tiny I used to wake him up dealing with her so not 100% sure he didn't hear.

You must be fucking knackered. Maybe he doesn't realise how tough it is. If you're doing this every night with no help you must be really tired. And an hour earlier is nothing!

It doesn't sound like you've told him how tiring you're finding it. Honestly, I couldn't do what you are doing. If I didn't have time to catch up at the weekend I just couldn't function properly in the week. Have a word with him, because you must be shattered. I did all the night feeds when I was on mat leave and I do them on the nights when I'm not working and my DH is (I'm part time). But you still need time to catch up on the sleep you need if you're missing out at those times.

It's not such a bad thing anyway, my husband does a run down to the park or take them out on errands and it's really fun for them to go out with their Dad. He took them to a scrap yard to buy tyres last weekend and they thought it was amazing. They saw a car being crushed. :)

Maybe put it that way? You need a little rest and he can have a nice morning with the kids?

How does he think his colleagues who have two WOHPs cope? Funily enough you just learn to cope on less sleep, DH and I are both permanently shattered but that's just the stage of life we are at, DS is nearly 3 and getting better (although he wakes when he needs the loo which is not so great since he's still in a cot). It's perfectly possible to work when tired, it's not like you are doing nothing at home during the day that allows you to recover from a sleepless night. Personally I find days at home with the kids more exhausting, work is envigorating but dealing with a grumpy toddler when you're already too tired to deal with the situation with any imagination is a special kind of hell.

drinks - in families with two WOHP I guess the children are just left to fend for themselves. I know in my house neither I or my DH get up in the night because we don't want to put ourselves at any risk on the roads the next day - if the baby needs us then tough luck, he'll just have to wait until morning

Or is the "it's too dangerous to drive when I'm tired so I'm not getting up" excuse only reserved for sole earners?

What hard work this all sounds.
We just get in with what needs to be done at the time.
I couldn't be doing with all the negotiating whos right and wrong, just get on with what needs to be done.

Exactly ledkr - my DH will get up nearly every night if DS is upset and I'm struggling to settle him. He's never just leave me to it. DS is his child just as much as he is mine.

DH doesn't even think of it like that though, he just sees his son is upset, his wife is probably very tired and so he will want to try and help.

That's just how it should be.

Op sounds like a tough night.

When mine were little I did all the night feeds etc as dh was the working parent who also commuted and I was a sahm. We took turns to lie in at the weekend.

My dd was badly injured along with her friends ,and an adult,died because a driver fell asleep at the wheel.

So no my perspective is a tired driver can cause immense suffering and pain to many people,not just themselves, so the long commuter should sleep.

Hope your ds is ok.

Communicate clearly. In this case I think it was reasonable to wake him sure....Next time, wake him and say ''This has happened. I need you to do this.'' Keep it simple and matter-of-fact. You are doing a great job if you have done all nights alone. I co-slept as well...Much easier - who wants to put their tiny young baby in another room???? and well done for being at home with your kids.

So no my perspective is a tired driver can cause immense suffering and pain to many people,not just themselves, so the long commuter should sleep.

SAHP often have to drive too you know.