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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you think a sahm should wake wohm in this instance

203 replies

devon004 · 21/05/2015 09:49

So we have a toddler who still wakes occasionally the night. And 2 primary aged dc. I do all the night wakings without a problem. (Cosleep so quick breastfeed sorts it) Dh has never assisted. This is all fine as he has a long commute and works long hours.
However last night ds1 comes in to announce he has been sick. He is fine and goes back to bed. However, the vomit went everywhere and the commotion was enough to wake toddler dd. So I am cleaning walls, beds, carpets and all the random objects the vomit landed on and sorting out dd.
Dh either didn't hear or choose to ignore it as I was dealing with it.
so should I be waking him in this situation? Will he crash the car if he doesn't grt enough rest? (he said this in the early days when dd would be awake for hours at a time)
thoughts please Mn jury.

OP posts:
Beth2511 · 21/05/2015 16:40

I would wake him.

I seem to have the other issue with my OH who is making himsef ill insisting on doing night wakings as well as working 12 hour days because he insists its only way to be a parent to her on the 5 days hes working... terrified hes going to cause a crash or accident at work (physical job)

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 21/05/2015 16:42

Beth my DH often insists on doing the night wakings in the week as he's out the house from 7-7 and DD sleeps 7-7 so it's the only time he gets to see her. He commutes on the train though and has an office job (and also sleeps like a log between wake ups!)

BackforGood · 21/05/2015 17:00

Of course he should help.
Yes, I know if you are a single parent, or when the other parent is working away you just have to get on with it and manage, but if they are there, then having 2 pairs of hands makes life a lot easier all round. The child usually needs comforting as well as cleaning up and clean PJs found, clean sheets etc found whilst the other parent can crack on with cleaning the mess.

We both worked when ours were little though, so, from the beginning, we both shared the night time duties/ night waking on alternate nights. In the case of a vomit explosion though, it's mucheasier with two people so whichever one of us wasn't on duty would get up and help.

BitchPeas · 21/05/2015 17:26

I did all the night wakings with DS as I was a single parent, he didn't sleep through til 2.5yrs. I also worked full time, 48 hours a week. I crashed my car and made a lot of stupid mistakes in that time, I was continuously ill and thought I was losing my mind. It's so much harder to go to work on a broken nights sleep, I'm currently on mat leave with DD and don't wake DP if he has work the next day, I would only wake him for a serious situation, going to A&E for example.

Staying at home exhausted is so much easier than working/driving exhausted. DP does do night wakings on his days off though.

Stillwishihadabs · 21/05/2015 17:49

Just as an aside to those who say you both go to work. If a dc is poorly dosent some one have to stay home the next day ?

worridmum · 21/05/2015 17:59

their are some jobs that are dangerous to be sleep deprived in which should be expemt from night wakings (think surgens) as a slight mistake due to tiredness could kill / serously maim someone but for a normal office job should deffo be helping with night wakings.

btw you can be fired / disiplinced/ sent home if you go to work tired/ hungover / not 100% as a surgeon (or can be apprently as thats what my brother says who is a heart specilist but i do not have personal experence so i dont know if its wide spread fact or just his hospital)

Diamond23 · 21/05/2015 18:02

People always mention surgeons but surely they're the ones made to work massively long shift or do the occasional 30 hour operation? Not saying it's ok for them to be sleep deprived btw. But I reckon more risky for a lorry driver to be sleep deprived

amicissimma · 21/05/2015 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 21/05/2015 18:36

I don't understand all the people talking about the effects of serious sleep deprivation as if it was in any way the same as being up one night, once, for half an hour. A normal person is perfectly well equipped to cope with a one off small interpretation to sleep. It is not in the same stratosphere as nightly waking.

Do we all have a panic if we wake up for a wee and take a while to drift back off or if we stay up an extra half hour to finish a film too?

BackforGood · 21/05/2015 18:51

Quite

Caterina99 · 21/05/2015 19:11

36 weeks pregnant here and have been suffering with insomnia for much of the pregnancy. Currently on ml but I definitely had days where I was working on a very broken nights sleep. Fair enough I'm not a surgeon, and I do desk work so I could cope fine.

I plan to do the majority of the night feeds etc. why disturb DH when he needs to work the next day? But I wouldn't hesitate to wake him if I needed him! Yes major sleep deprivation can be really dangerous, especially if you have to drive, but not many people get that from ONE NIGHT!

DixieNormas · 21/05/2015 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zeezeek · 21/05/2015 19:43

I'd like to know who these people are with desk jobs who can sit around all day, drink coffee and chat.

imwithspud · 21/05/2015 19:49

There's a huge difference between being woken up for half an hour at night as a one off and being kept up for hours night after night. The odd night waking is part of the parcel of being a parent, most healthy adults should be able to manage the next day after the odd night of disturbed sleep.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 21/05/2015 20:03

Zeezeek

My DH Smile. Well I don't think he chats all day (he's not one for small talk) but he has a desk job, I don't imagine he moves much from his desk and if he drank coffee I'm sure he could have one constantly on the go. As it is he drinks coke zero.

HicDraconis · 21/05/2015 20:05

Not a surgeon but similar (anaesthetist) - and I have sent colleagues home when they have turned up tired due to disturbed nights. It's not fair to put a patient's life in danger due to a few moments of inattention because you're tired. And yes, previously we were working ridiculous shifts and chronically tired - that's why they completely changed and limited hours and shifts.

When I'm on call and the phone goes, I have to snap from deep sleep to wide awake and able to make rapid conclusions, decisions and actions. The knock on effect is that now when I'm woken from sleep it takes 2-3h to get back to sleep, it's not as simple as a quick half hour cuddling child and then straight back to sleep. On the odd occasion I've woken up during one of these scenarios, DH has insisted I stay in bed to try and keep me as sleepy and rested as possible.

Thing is, most people aren't surgeons or anaesthetists or lorry drivers or pilots (agree they also need a full night) and most jobs don't need you to fire on all cylinders all the time. So it will vary from family to family and things will settle into a pattern that works for each parent.

monkeymamma · 21/05/2015 20:50

DH would definitely have woken and helped me (he is wohp and I am sahp while on mat leave, part time the rest if the time). I do more night wakings as I breastfeed, but apart from that it's shared equally. Yes the wohp doesn't want to make (tired) mistakes that might cost you as a family your main income; however as sahp I'm in charge of our beautiful precious children all day and similarly don't want to make any mistakes with them either! (Worth mentioning we have had two kids who just don't bloody nap - so no catching up on sleep for the sahp!). Apart from all of that though clearing up sick is a lonely task and I'd want my best friend (DH) there to help me and keep me company/crack a few grim jokes...

maddening · 21/05/2015 21:29

Being woken once in the night to deal with a situation and 2 dc when the other parent is likely to have woken or to wake again throughout the night is not gong to make him so tired he is dangerous to drive a car.

He should be going to bed earlier every night while he has dc that are waking incase there is an event like this or if both dc are distraught together.

Ime from when I was on maternity and subsequent one and a half years I took off with vol redundancy money it made sense for me to do night waking (I bf so. No weekends off though he took ds on weekday mornings while I got a lie in. But in a crisis or if I was ill I would expect him to help out at least once .

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 21/05/2015 21:34

Hic - I totally respect your perspective on your very specific circumstances. I am not sure I follow extending your scenario to lorry drivers though. Most people wouldn't have your issues with getting back to sleep, and if being up for 20 minutes on a one off night tips someone from being a safe driver to an unsafe overtired one I would suggest that they are not getting enough sleep more generally or have a medical condition of some sort.

Maybe I am a hardened cynic after 6 years of poor sleepers, but I just don't see that a normal healthy person can automatically be assumed to be badly affected by one short one off waking. Repeated, long or over a number of nights, absolutely.

professornangnang · 21/05/2015 21:37

My husband is a sahp and I expect him to do all night stuff. I need my sleep to go into work and support us. It works for us. I give him a break on the weekend.

TheVeryThing · 21/05/2015 21:48

I just can't imagine lying in bed sleeping blissfully while one or more of my dcs were ill and probably upset and my dh was trying to comfort a child while cleaning up vomit/sorting calpol etc. The occasional disturbed night is part of being a parent, surely.

ScorpioMermaid · 21/05/2015 22:03

I would have woken him. Definitely. (Have done in the past in the same situation)

Nellagain · 21/05/2015 22:14

When on mat leave I would have left him to sleep. If I'm off the next day and he's in work then I would leave him to sleep as he does need sleep to function and not mistakes during the day....However, he didn't walk into a perfect house the next day and has always understood that if I let him sleep through the mayhem then when he gets in the next day it is my turn to collapse into a coma and he picks up the slack with tea and bedtime. So swings and roundabouts.

I never saw the point of us both being zombies the next day. it would deprived me of a siesta

dietcokeandwine · 21/05/2015 22:21

I'm a SAHM, DH the WOHP working long hours in a senior job. We also have two primary aged DC plus a toddler.

We are lucky that our three generally sleep through with no problems, but during periods of illness, or unsettledness due to nightmares and so on, DH has always done his share at night. Generally I do the first waking, but if there are subsequent ones then we do a take-it-in-turns kind of thing. In the scenario the OP describes I wouldn't have had to wake him, he would have woken anyway and come to help.

As a friend of mine always says - sick in the night is a two-person job!

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 21/05/2015 22:21

I have zero sympathy with the idea that the working parent gets to sleep and the stay at home parent does everything.

I went back to work full time to a stressful management role with a commute of over 2 hours a day when DD was 5.5 months. I continued to night breastfeed until she was 10 months so I did all nights until then (and DD has never slept for more than 3-4 hours at a stretch in her entire life). Then we switched to alternate nights, which we still do now (DD is 17 months). I am by no means superwoman, I'm very very tired often and I would dearly love to get more sleep. And I drink far too much coffee.

But I'm still doing a good job at work; if anything being tired makes me more focussed and less likely to waste time or tolerate others wasting my time. You just have to get on with it.

Parenting = tiredness. Neither parent gets to avoid this.