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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you think a sahm should wake wohm in this instance

203 replies

devon004 · 21/05/2015 09:49

So we have a toddler who still wakes occasionally the night. And 2 primary aged dc. I do all the night wakings without a problem. (Cosleep so quick breastfeed sorts it) Dh has never assisted. This is all fine as he has a long commute and works long hours.
However last night ds1 comes in to announce he has been sick. He is fine and goes back to bed. However, the vomit went everywhere and the commotion was enough to wake toddler dd. So I am cleaning walls, beds, carpets and all the random objects the vomit landed on and sorting out dd.
Dh either didn't hear or choose to ignore it as I was dealing with it.
so should I be waking him in this situation? Will he crash the car if he doesn't grt enough rest? (he said this in the early days when dd would be awake for hours at a time)
thoughts please Mn jury.

OP posts:
jazzandh · 21/05/2015 11:01

I do most night wakings, but that's because I hear quicker and deal with them quicker.

DH is more than happy to get up for them but he takes much longer to settle them back down (likes a chat and a longer cuddle )

Vomit would be a two man job here as well though.....

He has a 70 mile round commute but that doesn't stop him going to bed late etc.....so the odd night waking if required is tough!

littlejohnnydory · 21/05/2015 11:04

I'd have woken him but my dh would have been up like a shot. I do the night feeding of babies (breastfeeding) and generally get up if anyone wakes. I can't sleep in the day as I have older ones at home too but can at least put a film on! But if someone's sick, we both get up.

openthecurtains · 21/05/2015 11:08

Vomit is always a 2 person job here. One comforts and cleans up the child, the other clears up, changes sheets etc. The aim at night is always to get it sorted out as fast as possible, child calm, other child not woken - 2 adults makes that much easier. I do it on my own when husband works away but if we're both in the house, we both help.

Toootiirreed · 21/05/2015 11:14

Unless he could really be of help I would have chosen the less stressful option of leaving him to sleep. Someone who is not used to broken sleep can just make such a situation ten times worse especially when everyone is tired and trying to deal with things quickly and quietly. I would stress the lack of sleep you get tjpugh and expect more ready help when possible as has been said they are his DC too.

AuntyMag10 · 21/05/2015 11:16

My dh would have woken up and offered on his own.
However in your situation if you really couldn't manage then you could have woken him up. It's not everyday this happens. If you could manage fine, then don't wake him to make a point.

thehumanjam · 21/05/2015 11:21

I'm always mindful of the fact that dh has a long commute and did actually collapse through sheer exhaustion in the early days. However in this situation dh wouldn't have needed me to wake him as he would have stepped up and helped out anyway. It's much quicker if there are two people cleaning up vomit.

General disturbances I deal with but vomiting children we both sort out.

scallopsrgreat · 21/05/2015 11:38

"I think that the person who earns the money has a right to sleep." I'm actually stunned by this comment Shock

So the person looking after and being responsible for the children (who I'd imagine are fairly precious to you both), during the most of the day doesn't have a right to sleep? Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

As someone upthread said, a decent partner wouldn't need asking.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 21/05/2015 11:43

Another one stunned by that comment. If you hired a nanny to look after your child would you be happy for them to be sleep deprived/exhausted whilst caring for them? If not why is it ok for a parent to be? Surely being sleep deprived in sole care of children can have more dangerous consequences than being sleep deprived when sat in front of a computer, for example? Obviously this is different if your partner is a surgeon or operates dangerous machinery!

YDdraigGoch · 21/05/2015 11:44

Having done both (ie looked after children and held down a resposible job), I am of the opinion that you need to be more alert and professional at work than you do whilst looking after the kids. There's always the option of having a dossy afternoon in front of the TV if you've been up all night. Not much room to hide away at work if you're absolutely knackered. I used to slip away to the toilets to close my eyes for 5 mins while I was at work.

AmateurSeamstress · 21/05/2015 11:49

Yes of course. All hands on deck.

Does he wnt his kids to grow up thinking they should pitch in to help others out, or not?

MrsDumbledore · 21/05/2015 11:55

No one is going to crash a car because of one night slightly broken sleep. They would have to ban most mums of newborns and lots of the dads too from driving ever if that was the case! How ridiculous and what a cop out from him.

Yes as you are sahp and bf it makes sense for you to do most night wakings. But if there is vomit to clean up and more than one awake child, that's a two person job if possible so I would have woken dh up ( although mine is a lot less precious about his sleep than yours, so would have got up voluntarily at the sound of an ill child).

TheVeryThing · 21/05/2015 11:55

I would definitely have woken him, but then we both work so no sleeping princes/princesses in this house!
I went back to work when both mine were six months and co-sleeping, still breastfeeding in the case of dc2. DC1 has asthma so I have just had to get used to functioning on broken sleep.
It really shouldn't be a big deal for any healthy adult to be woken in the night on occasion.

It can be very stressful dealing with ill children during the night and wouldn't have a lot of respect for anyone who left their partner to do it alone.

WOH is not some free pass that gets you out of the grunt work of raising kids.

I say that as the main earner in my family, my dh is freelance and earning very little at the moment but that has no bearing on who does what when we are both at home.

MrsDumbledore · 21/05/2015 11:58

Oh, and in families like mine where both parents go out to work, we don't have a choice about whether we do so having got up in the night with kids -one of us has to do it. Yet millions of people cope with it!

Babymamamama · 21/05/2015 12:04

I would have left my partner sleeping. In fact I've encountered this scenario a few times. Why two people to have a disturbed night? I'm part time and know the days I'm off are much less taxing than being at work (even if I've got an ill little one to care for).

TheVeryThing · 21/05/2015 12:04

cross posts with MrsDumbledore who put it much better than I did

TwerkingSpinster · 21/05/2015 12:07

I get the baby brought to me, in a fresh nappy for night feeds. Then taken away and settled. I am of the opinion that whoever is spending the day carrying babies up\down stairs needs to be more rested than the one who gets to sit down drinking coffee and chatting work.

BeautyQueenFromMars · 21/05/2015 12:11

Definitely would have woken him. Losing half an hour to an hour of sleep one night really isn't going to make much difference the next day. What does he do if he can't get to sleep for an hour or two - does he crash the car then? Sleep an extra couple of hours the following morning so he's not so tired?

My DH has got up in the night with me before, to help clean up vomit-covered bed sheets and child. He then went and slept on the couch downstairs so that my DS could sleep with me in our bed. This was for his step-child, by the way, so not even his biological son.

You definitely should wake DH next time.

BeautyQueenFromMars · 21/05/2015 12:11

Wow, my post sounds really sarcastic. I didn't mean it to be, sorry!

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 21/05/2015 12:14

I can't believe so many people think one disturbed night is going to be so detrimental to someone working out of the home. But then again I was diagnosed with insomnia at 6, haven't slept a full night since then, currently average 3-4 hours a night and have managed to get a degree, hold down a responsible job and have a newborn/toddler to deal with.

imwithspud · 21/05/2015 12:15

I generally do all the night wakings which I have zero problem with, but if there were exceptional circumstances such as vomiting then I would have no problem in waking my OH up to help out either. I don't see why the fact he works gives him a free pass to get out of doing some of the less desirable aspects of parenting. Seriously one night of broken sleep isn't the end of the world and it's bound to happen when you have children. In families where both parents work someone has to get up regardless of whether they've got work the next day or not so the whole "working parent has a right to sleep" line doesn't wash with me.

AGirlCalledBoB · 21/05/2015 12:16

My oh works nights so I have no choice but to do it alone but if he was home I would have woken him in this instance. When you are working, if your kids are sick you have to wake up regardless.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/05/2015 12:18

Person who earns the money gets more entitlement to rest?

Bollocks. The person who looks after the children makes just as valid a contribution.

I'm a lone working parent having a SAHP would save me a minimum of £300 a day and that's not even considering carer costs for the kids with disabilities. That's a very valid contribution

madreloco · 21/05/2015 12:21

If I needed him I'd wake him, if I could do it myself I'd just get on with it (which is what he would do the other way around).
I don't see the point in both of us being up if its not necessary, especially if he has a lot of driving/long day of work ahead and I don't.
It's not a gender thing, its a matter of practicality.

Marvel101 · 21/05/2015 12:35

If I felt DH really needed the sleep I would try to manage it myself.

DH would do the same for me if the roles were reversed.

You have to think practically - the person earning the money out of the home needs to be alert in work - and the person working in the home might have a chance to get a nap the next day while the children are napping or watching a cartoon - or could lie down for a while after the children go to bed the next night.

You can take turns at the weekend having a night off or a lie in.

TedAndLola · 21/05/2015 12:40

In your situation, if I could deal with it alone, I would let my partner sleep. If I needed their help I would wake him, no question. I don't think people should be driving and working every day sleep deprived but ONE night of broken sleep is not going to render someone unable to function.

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