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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you think a sahm should wake wohm in this instance

203 replies

devon004 · 21/05/2015 09:49

So we have a toddler who still wakes occasionally the night. And 2 primary aged dc. I do all the night wakings without a problem. (Cosleep so quick breastfeed sorts it) Dh has never assisted. This is all fine as he has a long commute and works long hours.
However last night ds1 comes in to announce he has been sick. He is fine and goes back to bed. However, the vomit went everywhere and the commotion was enough to wake toddler dd. So I am cleaning walls, beds, carpets and all the random objects the vomit landed on and sorting out dd.
Dh either didn't hear or choose to ignore it as I was dealing with it.
so should I be waking him in this situation? Will he crash the car if he doesn't grt enough rest? (he said this in the early days when dd would be awake for hours at a time)
thoughts please Mn jury.

OP posts:
Diamond23 · 21/05/2015 10:07

I think it's really unfair to say he isn't decent. From what I can see he didn't even wake up.

For me, if I could handle it I would. I'm on maternity and do all nights because DD is EBF is no point in DH getting up. If I were to bottle feed he'd probably so weekends.

HicDraconis · 21/05/2015 10:08

Going to buck the trend, but DH would not wake me in this scenario if he could help it. D&V, bed changing, middle of the night child wrangling he would handle by himself (and has done more than once) to allow me an uninterrupted night. He's the sahp.

I don't have much of a commute but I do have a very responsible job which requires a good night's rest and concentration. Occasionally I work 24h call shifts and if I've been up in the night I don't work the next day as I am not safe.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 21/05/2015 10:08

Yes - I would and have woken DH in this situation. I think sicky child is a 2-person job - one comforts & cleans sicky child, with a bowl in case they're sick again. Other cleans up bedding, get new sheets on.

DH and I were just talking about this the other day - about what a nightmare the sicky bug is when the children were small. Ours are just about old enough to make it to the bathroom now, thank god. When ds was 2 he was in the bed with us, he was suddenly violently sick all over me, my hair, the bed, the wall and himself. Fecking nightmare.

SaucyJack · 21/05/2015 10:09

We take the view here that only one person needs to be awake at once, so if one is up and dealing with the baby then we leave the other to sleep.

I do do more night waking a than him in the week, but he has a dangerous job and a mistake at work could easily cost him a leg.

dementedpixie · 21/05/2015 10:10

Yes I would have woken dh. He would deal with getting the child cleaned up and I would do the clearing up of the vomited on items (he is not good with puke). Having 2 helping means everyone gets back to bed quicker.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 21/05/2015 10:12

When there are two children involved, and one is covered in vomit, it's madness for one adult to be asleep whilst the other has to try to comfort a screaming toddler and clear up a vomity child.

tbtc · 21/05/2015 10:16

Yes, I would have woken him if I needed help, not just to make a point though.

That was the deal. I took care of all night wakings but was clear that if I woke DH up it was because I really needed him either because I was utterly knackered myself or just for practical reasons.

It's quite normal for a working parent to have disrupted nights as well when children are small.

Velociraptor · 21/05/2015 10:20

Yes I would have woken him. It sounds like a two person job, one to settle the DC back down and one to clear up the mess.

Enkopkaffetak · 21/05/2015 10:23

I assume that your dh does the night wakings Friday and Saturday nights where he is. It due to go to work that he needs his sleep then obviously it's your turn on the days he isn't due to go?

No?....

Funny how they square that out to equal all the time.

I was a sham when our children were young, I did 80% of the night Eakins. However Friday and Saturday were for do to do them... I needed sleep too

VivaLeBeaver · 21/05/2015 10:24

I went back to work when dd was five months. Dh was a SAHD. I breastfed till 16 months. I did all the night feeds on my own. I commuted an hour, worked, then drove home. Every day. I managed.

Your Dh shoulh help in a vomit scenario.

teeththief · 21/05/2015 10:24

I think that the person who earns the money has a right to sleep

Really?? How ridiculous

Op yes you should wake him if it happens again. I hope your DS is feeling better.

cadidog · 21/05/2015 10:25

I've always handled night wakings. I've got the boobs. But puke is the exception. Husband deals with baby (change of clothes + cuddles) and I deal with bedding and cleanup. Then back into bed for boob and hopefully some sleep. Puke is a 2 man job as far as I'm concerned

passmethewineplease · 21/05/2015 10:25

Yep I would of woken him. My dp wouldn't need to be woken though if one of his children were vomiting and the other smaller dc crying he'd automatically get up to see to one of them whilst I deal with the other.

Makes me laugh that apparently those parents that don't work outside the home lose all rights to a night sleep. Everyone needs sleep, working or not.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 21/05/2015 10:29

Yes, 100% I would have woken him in that situation although he would probably have woken up anyway. In fact, despite me being a SAHM DH still does a reasonable amount of night wakings (I realise a lot of people on here will think me very lazy and selfish for that!). I may be at home but I still need to sleep, and I really struggle to get back to sleep after getting up to DD (takes me at least an hour, if not longer) whereas DH goes straight back to sleep. He's more than happy to do it and is of the opinion that his work (in finance, sitting at a desk with coffee on tap!) is easier in a lot of ways that running after an 18 month old for 12 hours a day.

Original poster
devon004 · 21/05/2015 10:31

I occasionally gewt a lie in at the weekend (maybe 1 in 6 days) but still do night wakings and early morning feed as dd still loves her milk.
he does get up before me and dc Monday to Friday though

OP posts:
PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein · 21/05/2015 10:32

I wouldn't have asked but DP would probably have woken and offered to help.

squizita · 21/05/2015 10:36

This was an emergency of sorts and YY he should have helped. 1 sleep break won't do any harm it's not like newborn weeks!

And lmao at the idea sahp can have naps in the day. I hardly get time for a cuppa with just the one! There's a reason OFSTED check nannies and childminders. .. it's tricky work (especially with a sick child!!).

lynniep · 21/05/2015 10:39

Yes.
Both of us work but I get up in the night if needs be (its rare these days as they are 5 and 8 but in the past its always been me)
This is because I'm the one who hears it and its fine. I also cope easily with less sleep whereas DH doesn't.
BUT if one of them is sick, regardless of whether the other one wakes or not, DH is woken up to deal with the child who has been sick. He's never with it enough to manage vomit/wet bed etc, but he can comfort a child.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 21/05/2015 10:41

I love this idea of naps and rest when at home with a baby/toddler too. Yours were obviously very different to mine!

squizita · 21/05/2015 10:44

Fragile I have lifelong insomnia and know how hard it is to work on zero sleep AND look after a child. My work was demanding and professional in nature.
I still find childcare harder.

It's not that other people "don't understand" it's that your personal experiences/work/priorities/family are yours. Other people have different experiences and it's perfectly possible for the sahp to be shattered ... when the change of scene work gives can be just what you need to "keep it together".

schokolade · 21/05/2015 10:45

i never understand why working is the holy grail with regards to sleep. I say this as a WOHM.

Why is it assumed that the person who is at home doesn't need to drive (supermarkets, schools, etc)?

Why does the person at home not need to concentrate at all (looking after a toddler whilst cooking, etc)?

Why is it fair that one person is totally rested and the other bears the whole burden? Perhaps you could argue skewed in favour of WOH. But all of it - no way!!

PattiODoors · 21/05/2015 10:46

Vomit was always all hands on deck, one to comfort/lave the victim, the other to scrub and hand over fresh towels etc

Night feeds were me because bf babies

susyot · 21/05/2015 10:50

My husband has a similar commute as yours. Yes, I would wake him up in those circumstances although to be fair he wouldn't be able to sleep through a crying child so would be likely to be willing to do it anyway.

I do remember on a few occasions he actually sent me back to bed because I was exhausted and dealt with changing beds himself.

Generally when I had a baby and toddler I would do the bulk of the night wakenings Sunday-Thursday and he would pitch in Friday and Saturday nights.

On occasion when things were really tough we would run a shift system. He'd go to bed a bit earlier and if I was up all night he would get up at 4.30/5ish so I could get a couple of hours sleep to get me through the day.

Now our children are older and night wakenings are rare he is just as likely as me to get up and deal with the kids depending on which one of us has woken up first. I'm on medication which can make me a heavy sleeper so if he has been up a few times or he is very tired he will wake me up to deal with it.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 21/05/2015 10:56

Depends. If I could manage it myself then I wouldn't wake DH unnecessarily. There's no point in us both being tired the next morning. He'd probably make it up to me by doing something nice for me later in the day.

ShadowFire · 21/05/2015 10:58

In a vomity child situation, I would (and have) woken DH to help with calming child and cleaning up.

It's an exceptional situation and the occasional night of broken sleep is unlikely to be a major problem for most WOHP.