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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think my wife might spend time with me before I go away?

153 replies

ThePerfectFather · 20/05/2015 07:50

I'm away with work for 2 weeks, starting from tomorrow. I found out at pretty short notice that I'd be away. My wife has made plans to see a friend who lives locally - albeit a friend she hasn't seen for a long time - and I had hoped she'd at least shift seeing her friend so we could go to the movies or something. But she says she doesn't want to be "flakey" and move her plans. I feel like any reasonable person would understand moving plans around to spend time with their husband before an extended stay away.

I'm not going to see her for 2 weeks, and she decides to have a drink with an old friend, who happens to be another guy I don't actually know. I kind of feel like I'm being treated like the least important thing in her life.

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 20/05/2015 07:52

Would it bother you as much if it wasn't a guy?

icelollycraving · 20/05/2015 07:53

Well it's two weeks not 2 months. I think it's quite admirable she doesn't want to appear flakey to an old friend. Perhaps absence will make the heart grow stronger?

FunkyPeacock · 20/05/2015 07:55

YABU and a bit needy

It's not your wife's fault you are going away for 2 weeks. I wouldn't cancel plans to meet up with an old friend at such short notice unless there was a very good reason

Original poster
ThePerfectFather · 20/05/2015 07:55

It does bother me MORE that it's another guy, I think that's pretty understandable. But it would be weird either way. We don't get many chances to go out tbh.

This person is an old friend only in the sense that it's someone she knew when they were at school. It's not like they've kept up in any way, in fact they haven't spoken in over a decade. And as I said, he lives locally. It's not going to be hard to rearrange surely?

OP posts:
Foxyboombastic · 20/05/2015 07:57

She had a prior arrangement - your plans changed not hers so why should she rearrange to suit you? I'm presuming you will be able to go to the movies when you get back? After all it's two weeks not a 6 month deployment Hmm I think you're being a bit spoiled and petulant because it's another man - I doubt you would expect your wife to cancel seeing a girlfriend to go to the movies with you....

ilovesooty · 20/05/2015 07:58

I don't see why she should change her plans at all. This isn't a family emergency. You're going away for two weeks not two years, there are methods of communication and it's not her fault if work haven't given you much notice.
I'm also wondering how your attitude is affected by the gender of her friend.

Buttercup27 · 20/05/2015 07:58

I think yabu. Just because you have been given late notice about going away, means she has to drop all of her plans to spend time with you. It's not her fault you now have to go away so why should she change her plans.

Fudgeface123 · 20/05/2015 07:59

Well if you've mentioned it to your wife and she won't move it then she's obviously not as bothered as you about seeing you before you leave

ilovesooty · 20/05/2015 07:59

And I'm also wondering how significant your choice of user name is.

Original poster
ThePerfectFather · 20/05/2015 08:01

ilovesooty if you can't spot an ironic username maybe the internet is a little too complex for you.

OP posts:
TheAwfulDaughter · 20/05/2015 08:02

This reply has been deleted

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PurpleSwift · 20/05/2015 08:03

If an old friend I hadn't seen in 10 years cancelled plans on me for our first time meeting again, I wouldn't be feeling too good about it tbh, it doesn't make a good impression and does come across as flakey. Go out when you get back, yabu, sorry!

fearandloathinginambridge · 20/05/2015 08:03

How long have you been married?

I've been married 15 years, if I went away for 2 weeks or if my husband did I don't think either of us would bat an eyelid. It's a short time out of a long trusting relationship.

I think you are being a little unreasonable OP. I would say the same to anybody.

ilovesooty · 20/05/2015 08:03

Oh... I see. Ironic.
If you're normally this rude perhaps my opinion of whether your wife should keep to her original arrangements is reinforced.

BlinkAndMiss · 20/05/2015 08:03

I wonder if this is a bit displaced and that you're not actually that bothered about her having other plans, but you are bothered about her meeting up with an old friend who happens to be male.

Surely, a drink is only a couple of hours? If it's the time you want then compromise on how long she'll be out. I'm assuming you live in the same house so can spend time together when she gets back?

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 20/05/2015 08:04

Your plans have changed so you want her to change her plans to accommodate you. I think YABU, sorry. I presume as you're married that you've spent a fair amount of time together over the years? And you're going away for 2 weeks, not 6 months yes? I think you're being petulant because she's meeting another man.

PatriciaHolm · 20/05/2015 08:04

Well, presumably she lives with you and sees you all the time. She doesn't get many chances to go out, you said. So maybe she thinks it's important to grab this chance? 2 weeks isn't that much.

Triliteral · 20/05/2015 08:05

Why don't you get many chances to go out? If she can only go out occasionally anyway, due to childcare for example, then she may be really looking forward to this, and it might be a while before she can manage it again.

If you are worried that the two of you are drifting apart, then maybe you need to concentrate on why. If rarely going out together is an issue, then maybe you need to try to find ways to resolve that issue.

I know from personal experience, feelings don't wander unless there is something seriously missing from your current relationship. Concentrate on making things better between yourselves and there will be no need for jealousy. Start to get angry because of fears she might wander, try to control her movements and make her feel guilty and you will drive her away.

albertcampionscat · 20/05/2015 08:06

Two weeks? Seriously?

NorahDentressangle · 20/05/2015 08:10

So many people work away / long shifts, that 2 weeks seems a bit not worth bothering about.

I can see that you are a bit miffed but as she hasn't seen this guy much so doesn't know him that well now, it is probably hard to put him off without it seeming that she doesn't want to see him.

Book a nice night out with her for when you get back - cinema, meal, weekend away, whatever.

Original poster
ThePerfectFather · 20/05/2015 08:10

TheAwfulDaughter we must be related in some way that's a spooky username coincidence!

She gets in from work around 7pm most days, and tonight we have my Mum staying with us so it's a rare chance to get out and have the kids minded. And yeah 2 week may not sound like much, but it is to me. I spend all day with the kids so I miss them a lot when I'm away.

I see a lot of responses saying I'm BU, so I am obviously trying to see the other side of it. But it's tough. It does feel like she's choosing to see another man over me - and not one she's close with. It's not like they are dear friends.

OP posts:
MinimumPayment · 20/05/2015 08:14

I know on MN everyone needs to trust their partner implicitly, or LTB but I think you are justified in having concerns that your wife would rather see a male school friend she's supposed not to be very close to than spend time with you just before you go away.

It's different for couples who are used to being away for work but if this is unusual for you and I don't think you're being unusual.

As for being flaky, the friend lives locally, it can't be that hard to rearrange and anyone I know and want to spend time with would understand that I was going to miss my DH and want to spend his last evening at home with him.

If the positions were reversed and it was DH with an arrangement, he would cancel without being asked and TBH, I think if it were a wife posting. she'd be told her DH should cancel. Maybe not 100% but a good number if responses.

ohtheholidays · 20/05/2015 08:15

If it was me I would change my plans for my husband and I know he'd change his plans for me also.

Have you tried talking to your wife about it?

Original poster
ThePerfectFather · 20/05/2015 08:16

Also she gets plenty of chances to go out, especially compared to me. I mind the kids so she'll usually go out after work with friends or colleagues and just get back late, so I'll do bedtimes etc. That's about once a week maybe.

I work evenings at the weekends, so we don't go out often then (haven't in months actually) so it's midweek or nothing tbh.

Two weeks may not sound like much to most people, I suppose. And yeah we have been together a very long time. Still, I guess it feels different to different people.

OP posts:
Koalafications · 20/05/2015 08:17

YABU.