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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think my wife might spend time with me before I go away?

153 replies

ThePerfectFather · 20/05/2015 07:50

I'm away with work for 2 weeks, starting from tomorrow. I found out at pretty short notice that I'd be away. My wife has made plans to see a friend who lives locally - albeit a friend she hasn't seen for a long time - and I had hoped she'd at least shift seeing her friend so we could go to the movies or something. But she says she doesn't want to be "flakey" and move her plans. I feel like any reasonable person would understand moving plans around to spend time with their husband before an extended stay away.

I'm not going to see her for 2 weeks, and she decides to have a drink with an old friend, who happens to be another guy I don't actually know. I kind of feel like I'm being treated like the least important thing in her life.

OP posts:

badbaldingballerina123 · 20/05/2015 12:51

Whether I was going away or not I would be mightily pissed off if my husband arranged to meet up with some random women for a drink. Someone you haven't seen since school and haven't bothered keeping in touch with doesn't qualify as a friend . At best he would be an old acquaintance. Old acquaintances are not worth upsetting your husband over.

I can't even remember the boys I went to school with. Even if I could I couldn't be arsed meeting up with one of them , and they certainly wouldn't take priority over spending time with my husband. I would not tolerate my husband arranging something like this.

Do you KNOW that he's an old school friend ? How have they gotten back in touch ?

SoonToBeSix · 20/05/2015 12:56

Yanbu , I think your dw is being a bit selfish.

motherinferior · 20/05/2015 13:11

If my partner announced that (a) he was going away for two weeks leaving me to sort out all domestic admin (b) he expected me to cancel my plans as well I would be mightily pissed off.

And even more when he started foot-stomping about an 'extended stay away'.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/05/2015 13:17

To be fair to the op he's not swanning off and leaving his dw to pick up the slack. He's made alternative arrangements

badbaldingballerina123 · 20/05/2015 13:20

I haven't seen any foot stomping and it seems mil will be taking over the domestic admin.

Stealthsquiggle · 20/05/2015 13:24

I travel for business all the time. Every time I do, I am leaving DH to handle all the general child logistics by himself. If anything, I would put the focus on allowing DH to get out of the house and talk to other grown ups before I went if that was what he wanted to do. I certainly wouldn't think that he should cancel his plans before my trip as well as not being able to make any while I was away.

It's two weeks, FGS.

MinimumPayment · 20/05/2015 13:26

I think that's the big difference though Stealth. You your Dp and your household are used to you being away. OP is not, so therefore it feels like a big deal and I would expect it to feel like a big deal to his wife also.

Besides that, I do think it's strange to meet up with a long lost friend and not introduce them to your DH.

BarbarianMum · 20/05/2015 13:39

motherinferior if my husband complained that I was going away for work, having arranged for my mother to do "the domestic admin" in my absence I would point out to him that I, also, am entitled to further my career and just because he was the main wage earner that didn't mean I always had to be responsible for home/children.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/05/2015 15:04

It feeling like a big deal and it being a big deal are two different things. I'll say it again - it's 2 weeks. Not months or years. 2 weeks.

Twooter · 20/05/2015 15:06

My issue would not be that it's the night before you away, rather than its a one-off night that you have childcare. For that reason Yanbu

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 20/05/2015 15:19

I'll stick my neck out here and admit that I'd feel a bit sad and secretly jealous in this situation. I miss DH when he is away for three days, let alone two weeks. So YANBU.

HerRoyalNotness · 20/05/2015 15:30

You see each other every single day. Why should the day before you're off for 2 weeks be made into something special?

My DH also travels regularly for work. Anywhere between 1 and 6 weeks (that's been the longest one so far). He absolutely does not begrudge me having time to myself after he gets back. I normally take myself off to see a movie alone, in peace, and chill out. There was that one time that I went on a long weekend trip with a friend for a break too, after he'd had quite a lot of regular trips away.

I remember one time in the office (we used to work together), he came to say goodbye on his way to the airport, and I didn't want to have a PDA in front of our colleagues. My boss felt sorry for him and gave him a big hug instead . He'll normally text on the way to the airport now, as he drives straight past my office on the way and I have spotted the town car occasionally and give him a wave.

You are making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be tbh.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 20/05/2015 15:45

People are different. In an ideal world I like to give DH a quick squeeze before he goes on a trip of any length. I know, I'm a big old sap. But that's how I feel and it's no less valid than the people who hate PDAs and don't mind being apart for longer stretches of time. It comes down to what the dynamic is for you and your DW, and therefore nobody can really tell you if your feelings are U or not.

I think you should just tell her how you feel so that next time she realises it is important to you. And then leave it be and let her see her friend.

motherinferior · 20/05/2015 16:14

I went away for over two weeks last year to India. Sort of for work and sort of errr holiday. I honestly can't remember what happened the night before I went. DP alleged he'd miss me, but I think that might have been out of politeness . Or quite possibly envy.

RagingJellyBean · 20/05/2015 16:20

Haven't read through completely but I'm a bit shocked at the amount of YABU's.
I don't think YABU at all, if my DH said he needed to go away for 2 weeks I'd be gutted and of course I'd cancel any plans I had to have some time with him before he went.
I'd expect the same in return, but me and DH have a really tight bond.

StAlphonsosPancakeBreakfast · 20/05/2015 16:24

YABU. My partner works away a lot and frequently at very short notice. If I cancelled every plan because he was suddenly going away, I'd have no friends left. It's two weeks, not two months.

steppemum · 20/05/2015 16:26

I've been married 15 years, if I went away for 2 weeks or if my husband did I don't think either of us would bat an eyelid. It's a short time out of a long trusting relationship.

I agree with this.

If you have concerns about the guy she is meeting, that is a separate issue and not related to the time away.

(confess I haven't read all 5 pages)

00100001 · 20/05/2015 16:31

I don't think it's fair to compare the experiences of people who have partners away regularly to those who have a 'one off'.

MurielWoods · 20/05/2015 16:35

In the end, it doesn't matter what any of us think. It only matter what you think and whether your wife understands/cares about that etc.

My DH travels away a lot so it's not always possible for us to spend time together before he goes although he tends to go for a week at a time.

I can understand that your wife doesn't want to let an old friend down but if my DH did this to me I would be quite hurt by it.

Have you told her how you feel?

Focusfocus · 20/05/2015 16:40

OP, you shouldn't have posted this here. For your own good.

But I hear you, I totally do.

macnab · 20/05/2015 16:46

YADNBU in my opinion OP

I would be just as upset as you are, and even more so if my DH was meeting up with a woman, even a close female friend. I would expect to come first. I would expect that most reasonable people would be fine with having the date cancelled/re-arranged for that reason.

But could you go out with your wife any other night that week? Does it specifically have to be the night before you head off?

steppemum · 20/05/2015 16:46

I am a bit at some of the posters, because there is the suggestion that if you want your dh there, or prioritise time with him that you somehow love him more.

Every relationship is different, but my dh and I spend enough time day to day to not worry about the evening before we go away. (that time is usually spent packing and manically sorting paperwork needed etc anyway!)

I think your concern stems from the meeting with this guy. Only you and she know if there is grounds for that concern.

duplodon · 20/05/2015 16:46

I would find it a big deal, even if the school friend was the same sex as my spouse. Not everyone finds two weeks apart inconsequential. I would feel like you OP.

LilacWine7 · 20/05/2015 18:24

If my DH was going away for 2weeks at short notice, I'd almost certainly cancel plans in order to spend time with him and would want a special eve together. Exception would be if I'd made plans to meet a friend who needed my support (e.g. friend going through a bad time) or if the friend had arranged childcare in order to meet me and would have difficulty rearranging. If it was just an acquaintance I wouldn't hesitate to rearrange. TBH my DH would not be happy with me meeting a male acquaintance without him, and I'd feel uneasy about him doing the same with a woman unless he was happy for me to come too (I probably wouldn't join them but would feel strange about him wanting to meet a woman he hadn't seen for years in private).

However, everyone's different and maybe your DW views things differently. Has she made special plans with this friend e.g. booked tickets to something or arranged to join other friends that eve, that would be difficult to cancel?

Could it be the way you approached the issue that put her back up? Eg do you think you came across as a bit demanding, or assuming she would clear her schedule rather than requesting it as a favour? Did you acknowledge the inconvenience the request would cause and make it clear you were asking nicely rather than demanding?

On a side-note, when I was married before (to XH), I wouldn't have cancelled plans with someone else to spend time with him. But this was because we didn't get on, I didn't enjoy his company much and dinner-dates often ended in arguments (he also anticipated sex after every dinner-date then complained he felt rejected when I declined, this alone was enough to put me off dining out early on in the marriage).
Things are completely different with my current DH, I can't think of anyone else i'd rather spend an evening with. He's fun, great company, very chivalrous in restaurants and dining out with him is romantic and enjoyable.

Could it be your DW just isn't that keen on restaurants or that her idea of a romantic night out is different to yours? Would she be more willing to change plans if you let her choose the place/plan the evening/arranged something more casual?

olivia8allthepies · 20/05/2015 21:04

hmm. she's into him more than she's into you mate. sorry

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