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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think my wife might spend time with me before I go away?

153 replies

ThePerfectFather · 20/05/2015 07:50

I'm away with work for 2 weeks, starting from tomorrow. I found out at pretty short notice that I'd be away. My wife has made plans to see a friend who lives locally - albeit a friend she hasn't seen for a long time - and I had hoped she'd at least shift seeing her friend so we could go to the movies or something. But she says she doesn't want to be "flakey" and move her plans. I feel like any reasonable person would understand moving plans around to spend time with their husband before an extended stay away.

I'm not going to see her for 2 weeks, and she decides to have a drink with an old friend, who happens to be another guy I don't actually know. I kind of feel like I'm being treated like the least important thing in her life.

OP posts:
00100001 · 20/05/2015 10:53

YANBU

Yes, she has plans, but she could easily ring her friend and explain the situation. They should understand and re-organise. It's not like you chose to be away at this time, is it?

And as others have said, if you'd pretended you were a woman with this dilemma and your husband was choosing to spend time with another woman, there would be loud calls of "LTB" "he's having an affair".

Happybodybunny12 · 20/05/2015 10:54

Very funny posts about being away for work a jolly.

What bollocks.

BarbarianMum · 20/05/2015 10:54

If my dh announced at short notice that he was going away for 2 weeks I would bloody well hope he prioritised spending time with me before he went. If that means I'm needy, so be it.

Happybodybunny12 · 20/05/2015 10:56

BarbarianMum

Absolutely spot on.

Waltermittythesequel · 20/05/2015 10:56

My DH works away a lot. I am sometimes away but nowhere near as often.

We don't organise anything 'special' but we don't make other plans either. We actually want to spend time together (with dc then alone after dc bedtime) because we love each other and miss each other when we're away.

OP, YANBU, especially since this is not a friend but a man she knew years ago.

I'd be hurt and pissed off.

TheMagnificientFour · 20/05/2015 11:03

lazybones my PIL would do that sort of things, Travel for a week whilst DH is away and we desperately need childcare. However, they are also living quite a bit away and certainly aren't available for regular 'babysitting' whilst we go out.
It's more of a 'You are clearly in very tricky situation so I'm coming to help' ie a VERY nice and kind gesture from someone who is going out of their way to help.
Not something you are going to ask on a regular basis iyswim.

Onecurrantbun · 20/05/2015 11:04

I would be very hurt if DH did this op and I wouldn't do it myself either. He is the most important person in my life (well him and the kids) and I actually love and enjoy spending time with him. I would miss him desperately if we were apart for 2 weeks. We have been together 8 years and married for 6. As Barbarian says, if that makes me needy so be it.

I don't think being sent away with work really counts as "you've changed your plans so don't expect her to fit in with them". See if you can talk it through and reach a compromise

DuelingFanjo · 20/05/2015 11:05

I think YANBU.

Unless you going away for long periods is normal in which case it may just seem like another trip to your wife and so not that important?

babyboomersrock · 20/05/2015 11:07

an old friend only in the sense that it's someone she knew when they were at school. It's not like they've kept up in any way, in fact they haven't spoken in over a decade. And as I said, he lives locally

That sounds very odd. Why now? And why so important she can't postpone - he lives locally, so what's the problem with re-scheduling? How did they get back in touch?

I'd be wary, OP. Did she know about your working away when she made this arrangement? Or was your working away a last-minute thing?

Mermaidhair · 20/05/2015 11:10

Yanbu, if my dh was going away for 2 weeks, he would be my priority! If this was reversed I can guarantee you there would be no way in the world my dh would be off with a woman on his last night at home instead of seeing me. Even if it was a male friend I wouldn't be impressed. Your spouse should be your priority. Smile

BitOutOfPractice · 20/05/2015 11:13

Crikey it's two weeks, not two years!

TheMagnificientFour · 20/05/2015 11:13

TBH whether you are feeling hurt or not depends a lot of the relationship you have.
Not everyone is 'missing their DP so much that they have to have a night together before leaving'. Some people are actually quite independent from each other and that works for them. It certainly doesn't mean that they less in love with each other. Just that they relate to each other differently.

Unless we know what sort of couple the OP is in, how he sees a good relationship and how she sees a good relationhsiop, there is no way to tell.
It might well be that the OP's DW is very independent anyway and doesn't see an issue with it/doesn't feel the need for it and will see that sort of behaviour as needy.
It might be that the OP is more along a 'fusion relationship' where you are doing everything together and seen his DW prioritizing someone else is hurtful.
It might be that the DW reactions is unusual and that would make it very hurtful and worrying.
It might be that the OP's reactions is unusual, showing that he isn't feeling very secure in his relationship.

What I am surprised about is the fact that the trip has been organised at short notice, but with enough time for the OP's mum to come over. How long is the short notice? A week? A couple of days? More?
In that time, the DW didn't feel she could cancel wo being flaky. If it was within a couple of days, I can actually understand. If it was 1.5 week before, that's a different issue.
Or is that the OP didn't raise that as an issue until the last minute because he was expecting his DW to cancel and she didn't think she needed to?
In effect, how well do you communicate with your DW, OP?

ZanyMobster · 20/05/2015 11:59

I would be upset if DH didn't prioritise us spending some time together before going away. The responses would have been very different if it had been a female OP posting the same thing.

All seems a bit odd that your DW couldn't either rearrange or just pop out for a quick drink for an hour then do something with you. I also agree that on MN everyone should be able to do as they please and no one should be jealous etc but that is not just real life. Its really irrelevant who the person is though in this scenario, I would hope DH would want to spend the time with me unless it was a very special arrangement.

Can everyone honestly say they would be 100% comfortable with their OH meeting up with an old school friend of the opposite sex they had never had contact with all that time. It would seem strange to me.

ilovesooty · 20/05/2015 12:06

I would have said exactly the same if the OP had been female. However I do think there would have been some LTB responses along with advice to hack into the spouses phone and email.
It seems that the arrangement with the friend had been made prior to the OP being called away to work.
Is there any reason why some compromise can't be reached or have I missed it?

BitOutOfPractice · 20/05/2015 12:24

I'm a bit confused now. You do full time childcare. But you are goingaway with work. Are you a SAHP?

MinimumPayment · 20/05/2015 12:29

I asked that earlier BitOut, but he said he normally works from home.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 20/05/2015 12:31

I don't think OP is BU to be sad that DW is putting him in second place to a casual friend. The gender of the friend is not relevant (UNLESS the relationship is already shaky).

Those of you who are more used to long or frequent spells apart may see things differently, if its what you are used to, or if you still get plenty of couple time AND plenty of 'self' time.

DH has recently started a new job, working away. He loves the job, obviously its busy getting to know a whole new role and people, and the travelling is tiring. But I do regard it as a "jolly" in some respects - no cooking, cleaning, housework, homework to chase, kids to ferry about, bins to put out. Living in a B&B where someone else cooks and cleans for you, and you can read in peace and have no kids to chase to bed 0- and don't have to queue for the shower!

Luckily he realises that for him to be able to do this fantastic new job, I am having to take on a lot more responsibility day in day out at home (on top of working P/T). We both want to spend time together and one of us choosing to meet up with an old friend, one who has not been an important part of our lives, instead of with each other would just not happen. I would be hurt by this and so would he.

SlightlyJadedJack · 20/05/2015 12:33

There was a post on here recently where someone's DH met up with a friend who they hadn't seen for a while instead of going out for the day as planned with his family. The poster got rounded on for their response to this situation. So actually, all this 'it would different if a woman was posting' is crap. People post what they feel about that situation at that time.

I think YABU and the only reason you are really getting the hump is because she's going to meet a male friend and you don't trust her.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 20/05/2015 12:37

Can everyone honestly say they would be 100% comfortable with their OH meeting up with an old school friend of the opposite sex they had never had contact with all that time. It would seem strange to me

In general, this would not bother me. But to be put in second place when OUR time is so limited and MY time while he is away is nonexistent, would not make me happy. If it was a good friend who was on a flying visit from Australia or something, that would be different. But even then the meet up could take place in the family home, as meeting a friends wife and kids is a very important part of catching up with them,surely?

BitOutOfPractice · 20/05/2015 12:40

Thanks minimum. So working from home is not "full time childcare" is it? You're being a bit disingenuous there OP

And I'll say it again, it's a fortnight. Not forever. Get a grip

SqueezyCheeseWeasel · 20/05/2015 12:43

I agree it isn't fair to kick the OP and accuse him of being an evil oppressor on the face of it.

Personally, I'd rejig my plans to spend the evening with DH but he wouldn't expect me to. It would be the same the other way around. He would swap his plans for me but I wouldn't insist that he had to. The difference between choosing to change your plans and being emotionally blackmailed into doing so is huge. Regardless of who is at either end of the situation, gender wise.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/05/2015 12:46

I haven't thought of him as the evil oppressor, just bit...erm...well...pathetic!

MinimumPayment · 20/05/2015 12:46

It is if Op is doing all the childcare while they're not at school BitOut. I work PT, school hours and DH has a city job with long hours. I consider I do the vast majority (if not quite all) the childcare.

ZanyMobster · 20/05/2015 12:46

PHANTOM I agree I think would be more of the issue for me, if I have met old friends of either sex it would probably be at home and they would meet DH.

I also think my opinions may be different as the most time apart DH and I have had in 10 years is 4 nights at a time when DH goes skiing and we always spend some time together the night before.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/05/2015 12:48

Yes I agree minimum but he has most certainly made himself out to be a SAHP.

I also work at home. FT. I am a SP. I would never say I do "full time childcare" because I don't. They are at school or childminder or whatever.

I might say I do all the childcare. But not "full time childcare"

And yes, I'm aware this is not the main isse Grin

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