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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think my wife might spend time with me before I go away?

153 replies

ThePerfectFather · 20/05/2015 07:50

I'm away with work for 2 weeks, starting from tomorrow. I found out at pretty short notice that I'd be away. My wife has made plans to see a friend who lives locally - albeit a friend she hasn't seen for a long time - and I had hoped she'd at least shift seeing her friend so we could go to the movies or something. But she says she doesn't want to be "flakey" and move her plans. I feel like any reasonable person would understand moving plans around to spend time with their husband before an extended stay away.

I'm not going to see her for 2 weeks, and she decides to have a drink with an old friend, who happens to be another guy I don't actually know. I kind of feel like I'm being treated like the least important thing in her life.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 20/05/2015 08:19

i wonder if the responses would have been different had the OP been a woman.

YANBU

Original poster
ThePerfectFather · 20/05/2015 08:21

Yeah I spoke to her about it this morning - just wanted to see what anonymous internet people thought about it tbh! I know I can BU about some things, and wondered if this was one of them. It does hurt to know that my wife would rather not "seem flakey" in rearranging plans with someone she barely knows, than go to the movies with me. Like I said, we don't have time to go out much at the moment because of our work commitments and the kids. I understand that completely, it's how things have to be for us to get by etc.

OP posts:
CaspoFungin · 20/05/2015 08:22

Why would you want to go to the cinema anyway, sit in silence for two hours before not seeing each other for two weeks?? I can understand being a bit put out she's seeing someone else over you but if they haven't seen each other for over a decade then things have probably kept cropping up and getting in the way and if she cancelled it would be another time they don't meet up.

Higheredserf · 20/05/2015 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyCatIsAGit · 20/05/2015 08:26

Yep the responses would have been a bit different if OP was a woman. But even so, OP is unreasonable. Book a night when you get back.

CatOfTheWoods · 20/05/2015 08:30

But if I have this right, you have kids and you have suddenly dumped her in sole care of the kids for 2 weeks 24/7. Maybe that's not your fault, but it would be understandable if she feels a bit taken for granted. She has a plan to see a friend and shy should she cancel that?

See it from her POV - you're basically saying "Oh btw I'm off on a jolly for 2 weeks, which means you doing all the childcare on top of work, while I stay in a hotel and go for drinks every night, and now you've got to cancel your plan to see your friend as well because I demand your attention because I'm going away, me me me me me meeeeeeee."

It would annoy me I'm afraid.

Casimir · 20/05/2015 08:32

Be aware, she no longer cares, prepare.

jugglingmonkey · 20/05/2015 08:36

YANBU

I'd expect my DH to reschedule his friend.

I know I'm in the majority, but I miss my DH if he's away two days, never mind two weeks.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 20/05/2015 08:43

Good point caspo, going to the cinema is hardly spending quality time together. It's essentially just sitting in the dark watching a film.
I would miss my DH too if he was away for 2 weeks. However as I would have seen him for years leading up to it and hopefully for years after it I don't think I would feel the need to rearrange a nights worth of plans. After all, even if I saw him that night id still miss him when he was away!

Original poster
ThePerfectFather · 20/05/2015 08:51

CatOfTheWoods - actually I don't think "dumping" the kids on her is putting it fairly at all since my Mum will be looking after them. And surely since I do childcare fulltime it's not considered "dumping" them if I take 2 weeks to go work very long days. Would you say that anyone doing fulltime childcare is "dumping" the kids on their partner any time they're not doing the childcare themselves?

OP posts:
mulberrybag · 20/05/2015 08:57

You sound a bit like my teenage son when he's not getting his own way and your response re complex Internet was uncalled for and rude.
Why don't you go along too ? Surely that would suit everyone... You both get a night out together - not sitting in front of a cinema screen - and your wife gets to meet her friend also

thehumanjam · 20/05/2015 08:59

I'm not sure he is off on a jolly Hmm. He is being unreasonable but working away for 2 weeks is not a holiday.

TheVermiciousKnid · 20/05/2015 09:02

Why don't the two of you go out together to meet her friend? You get to spend time together and she doesn't need to let her friend down.

thehumanjam · 20/05/2015 09:06

I'm not sure the OP's wife would be happy with that arrangement Vermicious. I know I wouldn't! He doesn't know the man and has no shared history, it would be very dull for everyone.

echt · 20/05/2015 09:11

Working away for two weeks can certainly be a jolly. My DH did three weeks in NZ and, while furthering his career, was certainly fun. It also meant I picked up every bit of running our home on top of a job more demanding than his own.

This is why he asked me before applying for the work. It was not at short notice.

And also why I got a weekend in NZ out of it. :o

Back to the OP. You may not have dumped your childcare on your wife, but it has been dumped on her by the short notice.

Text/phone her every day while you're away.

Oh, and your response to ilovesooty was bloody rude and shows you know nothing about posters on this site. HTH.

sunbathe · 20/05/2015 09:13

I would have changed my plans for my husband. We would both want to spend the time together.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 20/05/2015 09:14

i wonder if the responses would have been different had the OP been a woman

I strongly suspect there would be many more 'Of course he should cancel!' along with several suggestions that he's having/about to have an illicit relationship.

That's MN, though.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 20/05/2015 09:16

I would hope that if I posted saying my DH was going out the night before I was due to go away for work with 2 weeks and should I expect him to cancel I would be told to get a grip.

TheVermiciousKnid · 20/05/2015 09:18

You might be right, thehumanjam.

Zampa · 20/05/2015 09:18

YANBU

I'd be upset too. Whilst I can understand your wife's POV it doesn't stopped you feeling a bit miffed at her choices.

Put something in the diary for when you get back. It'll be something to look forward to.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 20/05/2015 09:19

I agree with Cat about seeing the whole thing from DW's perspective
My DH sometimes works away for a week or two and it's not easy having that change in your routine, missing your partner, and doing all the parenting on your own for that time (though obviously some people have that all the time)
Could you go out together one other night that week, is there a film you both really want to see? Or as others have said something else you could do where there's more opp to chat.
When my DH is away we often get on really well and enjoy exchanging emails with news of what we're both doing. A long distance relationship can make a nice change once in a while!

MajesticWhine · 20/05/2015 09:21

So you don't go out much together, but the night before you go away, when she already has plans, is the perfect night to go out? Hmm No, YABU. Make an effort to go out more often when you get back. Get a babysitter.

freelanceconundrum · 20/05/2015 09:21

So, when you are away shoe won't be able to go out?

soontobemumofthree · 20/05/2015 09:24

Not read replies fully but

  • cinema imo is not spending time together, its time watching a film
  • 14 days or 15 days is not a big difference to me
  • she made the plans before you had your work trip confirmed
  • it is quite short notice to cancel someone she doesnt see too often
  • i think it is common when with someone for some time that children, work etc might start to get priority all the time. if this is the case then when you are back maybe speak to her about some time together but "I kind of feel like I'm being treated like the least important thing in her life" is a bit OTT if just based on this one event (which it probably isn't).
gofuckyourself · 20/05/2015 09:24

Hmm and if it had been a woman saying this I'm sure the responses would be very different.
My husband goes away with work and he would & has cancelled plans to spend time with me before he went. I would too as we miss each other dreadfully. Friends are all well and good but I'm not married to them so my husband comes first. My friends would also be understanding and not mind me changing our arrangements either.

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