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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think my wife might spend time with me before I go away?

153 replies

ThePerfectFather · 20/05/2015 07:50

I'm away with work for 2 weeks, starting from tomorrow. I found out at pretty short notice that I'd be away. My wife has made plans to see a friend who lives locally - albeit a friend she hasn't seen for a long time - and I had hoped she'd at least shift seeing her friend so we could go to the movies or something. But she says she doesn't want to be "flakey" and move her plans. I feel like any reasonable person would understand moving plans around to spend time with their husband before an extended stay away.

I'm not going to see her for 2 weeks, and she decides to have a drink with an old friend, who happens to be another guy I don't actually know. I kind of feel like I'm being treated like the least important thing in her life.

OP posts:
FitzgeraldProtagonist · 20/05/2015 21:14

You are the one that is going away (presumably she will be picking up the slack when you are away - an enormous effort) and you can't accomodate one poxy night out?! YABSU!

MinimumPayment · 20/05/2015 21:19

He's arranged for his parents to pick up the slack Fitzgerald

7amliein · 20/05/2015 21:28

She is definitely interested in having intimate relations with him. Or at the very very lease she is really naive and doesn't realise that he wants intimate relations with her. If the genders were reversed here then 90% of the replies would be telling you to get out while you still can etc.

AldiQ7 · 20/05/2015 21:38

Oh my god the responses on this thread would have been so different if the OP had been a woman. And the short shrift you got on the first couple of pages was 100% because you are a bloke.

Ah, the joy of mumsnet.....

7amWakeUp · 20/05/2015 22:44

Yanbu

She has put this other bloke before you. I would be very wary of this

Cooroo · 20/05/2015 22:52

DP and I talked about this together and agreed YANBU. 2 weeks is a long time and I would def contact the 'old friend' and say sorry, something's cropped up, let's reschedule.

jacks11 · 21/05/2015 01:42

I think it depends on your relationship, as others have said.

I get the vibe that what is really behind this is meeting a male friend. If you aren't comfortable with this you need to discuss it with your DW. Only you and she know if you have grounds for concern. If you trust your DW and have a strong relationship, this shouldn't be a huge issue (although I can understand a little bit of jealousy, but I'd keep it to myself).

As to the time away, your DW just may not think that going away for 2 weeks is that big a deal and so has not cancelled her prior engagement. You clearly do see it as a long time away and want to do things together before you go (although I would question your choice of how you would ideally plan to spend time with her- cinema is not really spending quality time together, IMO). Neither way of looking at it is wrong, just different points of view. If you want her to re-arrange this, again you need to discuss it with her.

And I'd be saying the same thing to a woman posting about her DP.

inchoccyheaven · 21/05/2015 01:43

I wouldn't like to be 2 days apart from my dp let alone 2 weeks. We don't live together but try and see each other even if its brief everyday, and I have changed plans with my friends to be with her at short notice which they understood.

jacks11 · 21/05/2015 01:54

inchoccyheaven

Thats fine, and clearly works well for you and your DP- but personally I like to have time to myself too and would find being apart for 2 weeks ok. I'd miss him at times, but it wouldn't be a terrible hardship. TBH, I'd find a relationship where my partner felt we needed to be together every day or couldn't be apart for longish periods without pining quite claustrophobic. Neither your view or mine is wrong, just different ways of conducting a relationship and each to their own. The difficulty is when one partner sees things differently and that's what I'm wondering about. Is the DW's attitude to time apart different from the OP's and if so, is this a new thing or not?

CatMilkMan · 21/05/2015 02:07

I thought YANBU when I read this thread earlier and I still think the same.
I also don't think it's the end of the world, tell her you are feeling like she is prioritising someone else over you.
You have to leave for work, that sucks but she seems more worried about seeming flakey to an old friend than her current relationship.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 21/05/2015 02:35

I'm away with work for 2 weeks, starting from tomorrow. I found out at pretty short notice that I'd be away.

I think a lot hangs on what you mean by 'pretty short notice'.

If you found out earlier than Tuesday evening, why couldn't the two of you spend, I don't know, some of Tuesday evening together? Why does it have to be the day immediately before you leaving and coincidentally the very day she has plans to spend time with a man you're insecure about her seeing?

I think the idea of it being the only day because your mum would be there ready for the next day is a weak attempt at an excuse for this.

FindoGask · 21/05/2015 05:40

I would be gutted if my husband wasn't bothered about spending some time with me before I went away for two weeks! I'm sure the friend would understand and he lives locally anyway so it's not like this is the only opportunity to see him. I would change my plans in this situation for sure.

Although in my case I wouldn't find the gender of the friend an aggravating factor, I'm another one who thinks you would have got some very different responses if you'd been a woman posting about your husband meeting up with another woman in the same situation.

TheChandler · 21/05/2015 10:36

YANBU, and I'm usually the first to be annoyed at clingy partners. I think it shows a lack of consideration for you, OP. Do you usually spend the day or evening out with your wife before work trips? Anyway, its obviously bothering you, and in a marriage, you are kind of supposed to take each other's feelings into account, so YANBU.

Not very nice being sent away for two weeks with work with such short notice either - is it possible that your DW is annoyed with your work, if it happens a lot?

letscookbreakfast · 21/05/2015 10:42

YANBU OP, if my partner or myself were going away we'd ensure that we made time for each other beforehand, I'm flabbergasted at some of the responses you've had.

Libitina · 21/05/2015 11:02

As someone who's husband is in the armed forces, two weeks is absolutely nothing. Try 6 months with extremely limited contact.

YABU OP. Your plans changed, not hers.

notinagreatplace · 21/05/2015 11:05

I would miss my DH a lot if we were apart for 2 weeks. I wouldn’t make any other arrangements for the night before he was due to go away. However, if it was short notice and I’d already made arrangements, I wouldn’t cancel them – I think it's incredibly rude to cancel arrangements for no reason other than “I had a better offer” which is basically what that would be.

Sulking about it isn’t going to help you so what I’d suggest is that you ask your mother to stay an extra night and see if your wife would like to go out when you get back to celebrate your return? And, in general, think about how you can get more couple time – babysitters exist, for instance, and unless you’re on a really tight budget, you should be able to afford one occasionally.

Separately, I find it .. interesting that you refer to yourself as doing all the childcare but also say that you work evenings and weekends – presumably your wife looks after the children then? Which really means that you share the childcare but, somehow, you seem to think it’s childcare when you do it and just your wife being a mum when she does it.

babyboomersrock · 21/05/2015 11:31

You are the one that is going away (presumably she will be picking up the slack when you are away - an enormous effort) and you can't accomodate one poxy night out?! YABSU

So, you missed the bit where OP explained that his mother is coming to care for the dc?

I still think the issue is not that the wife is seeing a friend instead of spending time with OP. It's the fact that the "friend" is a man she knew when they were at school together - whom she hasn't (allegedly) been in touch with for many years, despite the fact that he lives locally.

Why is the wife concerned that he'll find her 'flaky' if she re-schedules their meeting? Why is it so important? What a fuss about nothing - she and her new friend can meet any time if it's all above board, can't they?

1Morewineplease · 21/05/2015 12:12

YANBU OP... Sad to see some of the vitriol against you too...
Been married 24 years and love my husband too. I would be very upset if I suddenly had to go away for a fortnight and DH preferred to spend the evening before with a woman he hadn't seen for yonks. That could easily be rearranged ... It's not like it's a hen do or anything. She could arrange it for when you're away so as not to use up some of the little free time you seem to have together. However I would still feel peeved about this reunion taking place at all... As this guy is local it sounds like it's not going to be the last time they meet either but ... I hope I've got the wrong end of the stick here.

Good Luck OP
If you could post an update ... Lots here I'm sure would like to see how you get on

inchoccyheaven · 21/05/2015 19:06

Jacks11 we get time to ourselves most evenings and part of weekends as we both have children so it's not possible to spend all our time together. We do however text constantly where possible throughout the day and evening so feel as if still together. We don't need to do this or feel we have to we just want to as it makes us happy. We would rather hang out doing every day normal things than be apart.
I'm sure to some this would be claustrophobic but it isn't for us.
Funnily enough with my exh I wouldn't have minded as much but then we didn't do everything together as I do with dp and it's just a different relationship completely.
Like you say neither are wrong it's just what you are used to and want.

1Morewineplease · 21/05/2015 22:34

Really good post inchoccyheaven!

butterfly133 · 21/05/2015 23:40

OP, can't help noticing that you've said you feel she gets to go out a lot and you don't. Is that partly what is bothering you?

Songlark · 22/05/2015 01:04

Shes basically putting another man before you, possibly under the guise of friendship. How would she be if you announced you wanted to meet up with an old female friend that she didn't know.

AbbyCadabra · 22/05/2015 01:08

Would the op rather his wife saw her male friend while he (op) was away from home for 2 weeks?

TheCowThatLaughs · 22/05/2015 03:11

YABU -
a) for the nasty response to a pp. about the internet being too complex
b) for saying movies unless you are American

Original poster
ThePerfectFather · 24/05/2015 17:34

Update - Well this is DW typing now. So I persuaded OP to accompany me for drinks out with my old friend. And guess what! We had a really good laugh, a few drinks and he apologised to me on the way home for being a dick.
HWBU, hahaha.
THE END

OP posts: