...to think my wife might spend time with me before I go away?

[ThePerfectFather]

I'm away with work for 2 weeks, starting from tomorrow. I found out at pretty short notice that I'd be away. My wife has made plans to see a friend who lives locally - albeit a friend she hasn't seen for a long time - and I had hoped she'd at least shift seeing her friend so we could go to the movies or something. But she says she doesn't want to be "flakey" and move her plans. I feel like any reasonable person would understand moving plans around to spend time with their husband before an extended stay away.

I'm not going to see her for 2 weeks, and she decides to have a drink with an old friend, who happens to be another guy I don't actually know. I kind of feel like I'm being treated like the least important thing in her life.

My DH goes away for work a lot, anywhere from a few days to a couple of months at a time.
I prioritise my time with him ruthlessly - he's my favourite person and I'm very precious of the time we have together just before he goes away.
No way would I plan to meet up with a friend without him just before he went away for two weeks.

YANBU to think your wife should prefer to be with you rather than an old friend and that the friend thinking she's flaky should be less important to her than her dh thinking she's not too bothered about not seeing him for two weeks.
Of course you are on MN so have received replies based on a marriage being more like flat mates who have agreed to bringing up kids together.

I'm going against the grain here, but I can understand why you're upset OP and if it were me and my DP I know that we would both be making the most of the last night together if he were going away.

He has been away for a week with work and, yes we have Facetime, but I missed him like crazy. XH used to work away for 3 weeks at a time and it felt like forever for both of us.

When you're used to seeing someone every day it is a wrench to suddenly not have them there and if my DP prioritised seeing someone (especially a woman) he hadn't seen for donkeys years over me the night before he left, I'd be feeling pretty pissed off too.

I do wonder if the response would be different if the line on this thread went: I'm going away for two weeks with work and my husband would rather go see an old female friend he hasn't kept up with for years, instead of having a rare night out with me before I go...

I am the least jealous/needy sort you will ever come across, but I think even I would find the OP's situation a little...hurtful? It's difficult, because I wouldn't want my partner to cancel plans to catch up with an old friend and would always encourage them to do so. Friendships are important and it's wonderful to reconnect and nostalgically talk about the old days. But at the same time, I think I would feel somewhat bruised if my spouse favoured spending time with another person over me before I went away for two weeks.

Hmm. OP, I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling a bit put out. I think a lot of people would. Especially if two week work trips are not the norm for you - I can imagine it would be very difficult to leave your family for that length of time. My parents, who I am very close to, took my DD away for a few days back in Easter and it was the loneliest four days ever. I spent the first day thinking it was fantastic but after that, I really missed not having them around.

On the other hand, I understand why your wife doesn't want to cancel her plans and I think you do need to support that decision. They may not get another chance to meet for whatever reason for quite some time. Is there any middle ground to be found? Could you go out before or after she meets this friend or have a meal when she gets back home?

But I am used to DH going away and main concern is children get to spend some time with him before he goes and I try and give them an idea of when he is back (only little so sometimes hard to understand).

I would miss him, but not miss him more because the day he left he went to socialise with an old friend.

Glad to see a few more normal responses on here since I started my post! I thought I was in a parallel universe where people don't actually enjoy spending time with their spouse.

Of course you are on MN so have received replies based on a marriage being more like flat mates who have agreed to bringing up kids together.

I love spending time with my DH. As we're married and live together we spend lots of time together . I also like going out to see friends.

YANBU. Not at all.
Didn't you say the friend lives locally?
Couldn't she reschedule?
I think you have been very honest and it can't help thst the friend is male.

So your at home all week with the DC and you wife doesn't get in till 7.00pm. Once a week she goes out with her mates - you rarely if ever go out. You work weekend evenings - so don't have couple time then either.

I've done that as the SAHP - and it is hard - it's long days well it is if they are pre -schoolers - it can be isolating as well. My DH stopped going out - he was tired and wanted to come home to us.

Our family very rarely babysit even when visiting - and money tight and reliable babysitter round here hard to find.

Last time we went out - it had actually been a few years since we'd managed an evening out the two of us and we went to the cinema - saw something we both wanted - had walk out there, drink after it meant - it gave us something other than DC and his work or the house to talk about - we do talk about other stuff but these topics are the staple ones. I'd have been hurt if he'd chosen to do something else with that rare time.

I also don't get the argument of other have long shift - my DH works away a lot - it means there is little family time or couple time. We find we do have to be a bit protective of the time we do have - as family, work and others will encroach and it can soon feel like you never see each other.

I can get the whole don't want to be flacky thing but if it's that or missing rare night out with my DP - I'd prioritise the DP - as long as there was enough time to rearrange with friend or shift to an earlier or shorter meeting and then met DP later or even met all together introduce everyone and then go to late showing or drink just us.

My DH constantly works away, I wouldn't arrange to go out the night before he went away, and he wouldn't either. YANBU

My DH goes away for work regularly. In fact he is currently in the States for 10 days.

I don't make plans to spend extra time with him before he goes away mainly because he goes often (several times a month).

I do however make sure the children spend extra time with him wherever possible because he is away a lot.

And when he is away, I run everything and am responsible for everything without any back up or help. It's exhausting with a 3 and a 5yo with all the other stuff like his parents needing help etc.

I do think you're being unreasonable. Sorry. Not what you want to hear.

Before the children, I used to travel for work (same industry as DH). And a big part of it was a massive jolly. Eating at Michelin starred restaurants all over Europe, staying at 5 star hotels along with adult company and conversation.

It certainly beats drudgery at home with two small children any day!

If anything your wife should get some time to herself before you go off and leave her to do everything!

I think yanbu. I'd want to spend time with my partner if either of us was about to go away for two weeks, and I know he'd want to spend time with me.

I don't like the cinema though. You wouldn't really be spending quality time together in a cinema.

Sometimes Dh goes away for two weeks for work. I can find it hard work.
Sometimes, it's me going away (albeit usually for shorter periods).

I don't think we ever have organised something special before iether of us going away. Not before we had the dcs nor after.

To be really honest, if you are missing the dcs when away as you are spending so much time with them, then spend that evening with them.
If you are worried about missing your DW, then spend time with her talking with her (Cinema has never striked me to be a very convivial thing to do).
If you have an issue with her going out with another guy, then you need to sort that one out. Whether it's because you aren't that secure in your relationship or you are just over recting to something small, that needs to be adressed.

Fwiw, when I feel towards DH like you do towards your DW, it's usually because I feel taken for granted and like I don't matter to him.
In that case, this is what needs to be addressed, not the trip and her 'chossing' another guy

Why is it that you and your wife can never get out of the house together because you have so few opportunities to do so but, now that you are off to work for two weeks, your Mum is able to swoop in for a fortnight and pick up your slack while you are away?

Why don't you just ask your Mum to babysit more frequently?

Btw, not all travel for work are a 'big jolly'.
Clearly for some like MrsFlorrick and ( MrFlorrick), it seems to be the case.
For me travel for work meant early start, late finish, been knackered all the time and under huge pressure. (Granted my travels were always about a customer having problems being very unhappy... But when I go away now, it's all about training and it's just as tiring).

I would VERY careful to associate being away for work and having a good time/being better than being at home with the kids. Especially when said poster IS the one who is looking after the dcs all the time.

now that you are off to work for two weeks, your Mum is able to swoop in for a fortnight and pick up your slack while you are away

Why don't you just ask your Mum to babysit more frequently?

I do love the assumption that all GP are near enough to do this or inclined to.

It's possible in exceptional circumstances we could really beg for one of help with childcare - we'd be turned down by my family almost certainly but IL might travel down and help - it doesn't equated to the willing to babysit for us - even when they are visiting us - they just won't.

I don't know what OP family is like - but it's possible here it's a one of favour so OP can go on this trip - as he does weekly childcare I'm wondering if the wife is taking time of work and picking up the slack - of if OP mother is and the wife routine is continuing as normal. It's not clear to me at all.

OP - I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would feel the same as you, in the circumstances. Plus! You are getting a hard time on here! (from some). Sometimes you just can't win. or

I don't think YABU at all.

I understand that she feels obligated to her friend, but you're her husband. If my friend (male or female) phoned me to say that they were having to cancel our plans as their partner was leaving for a fortnight and they want to spend some alone time together beforehand, it wouldn't bother me at all. Especially if we rearranged another date/time there and then.

I'm not keen on flakey people, but if there's a genuine reason for cancelling then it can't be helped.

Good luck OP

I wouldn't class someone I hadn't seen for 10 years as a friend - if hes a friend she is seeing him regularly.

YANBU wanting her to put off her drinks with this guy - so what if she seems flakey - SHE HASNT SEEN HIM FOR 10 YRS - who cares what he thinks - they aren't best buddies...

No, I agree with you Dazzle that childcare isn't that easy, not least because we are in that situation with only one unwilling grandparent in this country.

But the OP has a Mum who is coming down for an evening this week when he wants to go out with his wife and she is coming to help out for a fortnight at short notice.

I guess the cynic in me thinks that the OP is painting a 'poor me' picture that doesn't seem to tally with the info above.

Errr, no, littlemslazybones, my Mum is travelling here specifically to look after the kids while I'm away. DW will continue as normal. This is not a poor me picture wrt to childcare since it lets me work from home and I love my kids. But I also love my wife.

I don't understand how you can be going away for work, if usually you do all the childcare full time OP?

That aside, I don't think you are being unreasonable. A lot of posters here like to think that if someone's trustworthy, they're trustworthy, so if you trust her there is no cause for concern, but it's never as black and white as that.

A school friend that Op has never met in their long marriage being prioritised over time together before an unusually long (for them)business trip is ringing lots of alarm bells for me. Old school friends of the opposite sex are by far the most dangerous sort IME, especially when the friendship is rekindled after a long break.

That's not to say it's not fun to meet up with a old friend but if it's just a casual thing, I don't think DW would stick with it when her DH would prefer her not to, or worry about been seen as flaky.

I agree with you op.

My dh works away all week and often goes abroad too.

He is my absolute priority and friends understand that.

Friends that don't arnt friends.

My dh would so the same for me too.

I think your Dw is being selfish.

And so what if you are 'needy?' It's shit being away from the family and if you can't be needy with your spouse who can you he needy with.

Themagnificentfour. I grant you that not everyone goes away for enormous jollies.

If you're training then it's a slog. Travel there, then effectively study hard and travel back.

I was simply putting my situation forward such as it is. That I do make sure the DC get extra time with DH.

To be fair DH is away so much that I rarely go out anyway. My only opportunity for some sort of life is grab time when he is actually around.

I wasn't giving the OP a hard time, just stating that the entire family feels the effects of one parent/partner travelling for work. And that it's tricky for everyone involved.

I also thought OP's remark to IloveSooty was a pretty good response to a pretty unpleasant assumption.