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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying ex's school fees

191 replies

TiesThatBind · 18/05/2015 23:07

DH has offered to help an ex girlfriend pay her childrens' school fees for a couple of years. She is going through a nasty divorce, her eldest is about to start school and has been allocated an place at an "Inadequate" local primary. ExGF wants to take a place at a private school instead but can't afford the full fees right now.

DH and I spoke about it beforehand and the contribution he has offered won't materially affect our lifestyle right now.

I realise we are in an incredibly fortunate position, and I am glad he can help, but nonetheless I feel uneasy. Probably because I know he was seriously in love with her for several years - although it was all over five years before he and I met.

AIBU? Worried am turning into a jealous cow, but really feel nervous about this.

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 18/05/2015 23:09

Yanbu, I wouldn't be happy with this at all. Are they his kids?

Writerwannabe83 · 18/05/2015 23:10

I find this very, very odd.

Why on earth is he still so close to his ex, never mind wanting to pay for her children's education?

Unless I live in a parallel universe and this situation is actually quite normal?

Bluetonic123 · 18/05/2015 23:12

It's odd but also a lovely gesture.

Are they friends? If so, are you included in the friendship?

WorraLiberty · 18/05/2015 23:12

Sorry but I think it's ridiculous.

Even if this woman was his sister, she needs to live within her own means.

Possibly too flaky a situation for the DC too, so not a secure set up at all.

If the Primary has been rated inadequate, it will have money and attention thrown at it anyway, so might not be as bad as she thinks.

If her expectations are high and she gives her DC as much help as possible, they could well be fine.

Either way, it's no-one's 'problem' but the parents to solve.

Happybodybunny12 · 18/05/2015 23:13

Good grief! Of course that's not ok. A huge commitment and why on earth would she accept, he offer or you be happy with this.

Seriously it's wierd.

You must be a better person than me op

AlpacaMyBags · 18/05/2015 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TiesThatBind · 18/05/2015 23:14

They are definitely not his kids!

He argues that we are incredibly lucky that we can afford to help, the whole family has had a really tough time, and helping her kids doesn't have an impact on me or our DC.

All of which is true - so makes me feel that I am being selfish/paranoid.

But it is weird right?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/05/2015 23:16

So pay for them to take a trip to Euro Disney

But paying school fees??

That's insane and quite likely to end in tears all round.

What happens if she still can't afford it when her other kids start school?

Will he feel the need to pay for their education too?

RandomMess · 18/05/2015 23:19

I absolutely wouldn't because it's not a finite offer is it?

Why is he still so involved in his ex's life?

3579little · 18/05/2015 23:20

So many Questions,
Do you have kids of your own? It could be for 7 years! 12 k a year for 7 yrs! Don't do it. Honestly no normal friend would accept such an offer, it spells agro in the future.

MargaretRiver · 18/05/2015 23:21

what is going to change for her in the next couple of years to allow her to afford it herself?

My concern is that he would be guilted into continuing to pay, for all her children, through high school or even University

By which time it might not be so easily affordable for your family, but he can't let them down, drag them out of their peer group, etc

AuntieStella · 18/05/2015 23:22

You need to insist on a proper loan agreement being set in place, and a finite limit to the amount he will advance her (pending her divorce settlement).

But I don't actually think this is a wise thing to do. The parents need to sort out their DC's future, and how it will be funded. And loans from an ex are not a sound footing.

Though I do get the short term need, during actual proceedings.

Is she seeking a specific order about future school fees? How long before it's in place?

Bursarymum · 18/05/2015 23:24

I would be concerned about why he wanted to get so involved with an ex tbh. I doubt he will ever see the money again either.

Tangerineandturquoise · 18/05/2015 23:25

Does he know the children really well, or is he a godfather like figure to them?

Why will she be able to pay the school fees in the future but not now?

And did she discuss this with him in the hope that he would do exactly what he is planning to do

Does he pay for all of his nieces and nephews to go to private school rather than state?
I would be deeply uncomfortable- it sounds like a lovely gesture but is he genuinely that altruistic in your experience?

Fairenuff · 18/05/2015 23:26

How many years and how much would it total? Can you really afford to give it all away? Have you got financial security OP?

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 18/05/2015 23:27

I suppose it is all relative. If your DH has the earnings of Tom Cruise or Alan Sugar (you get my drift), where several grand for school fees has no impact on his life but seems like a nice thing to do for someone, it would be like me paying a tenner for one of my DD's friends to come to the cinema who couldn't have afforded it. There is no emotional involvement there really, just a nice gesture.

But if the eldest is only just staring primary and the mum can't afford the fees, is she depending on a huge payoff from her ex to be able to afford the fees for the other children when they start too? Maybe your DH just sees it as a stopgap till the divorce settlement is paid and there's no more to it than that?

Normally I would think this is odd (and it may still be) but if the money is all relative to your financial standing, then it becomes a bit less odd I suppose.

I can't quite decide.

Original poster
TiesThatBind · 18/05/2015 23:30

We have two under two (so no fees of our own). He says he is offering to help for two years only, and by then she'll have to sort out her own finances. She used to earn a lot pre-kids so could afford to pay the fees herself if she went back to work full time.

However I am really nervous it will end up being a long term commitment, and it isn't only the cost but the degree of involvement in their lives that worries me. She and I get on OK but we aren't friends. And I worry about him having such a huge role in their family.

Thought perhaps I was being a bitch, but sounds like other agree it isn't a good idea so will go back to DH and discuss properly. Although I know he will feel he can't renege now he has offered...

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/05/2015 23:31

Completely regardless of the fact she's his ex GF, I think it's both odd and cheeky to accept funding from someone else, because you want to send your child to private school.

The parents can either afford it or they can't.

If they can't, they need to wait until they can.

It's that simple.

TheFairyCaravan · 18/05/2015 23:32

Their not his kids. It was all over for five years before you met, yet the eldest is only just about to start school? Hmm

QuintShhhhhh · 18/05/2015 23:32

Well, what happens at Secondary?

Possibly 14 years of private education per child, and secondary is more like 16k per year. Each child will then cost 196k to educate, not counting inflation, expensive uniform, and trips!

Confused

Great if he has 200-600k knocking about, and spending it on his ex's kids wont affect you.....

Original poster
TiesThatBind · 18/05/2015 23:32

ps thank you - really grateful for the advice

OP posts:
QuintShhhhhh · 18/05/2015 23:32

So, only 24k per child....

That is a lot better.

But even so?

arethereanyleftatall · 18/05/2015 23:33

It's a lovely thing to do, but imagine five years down the line - you can't afford it any more, then what?

arethereanyleftatall · 18/05/2015 23:33

Xpost

OurGlass · 18/05/2015 23:34

Sorry, but that is just too weird. It wouldn't be happening in my house.