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AIBU?

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Original poster

Paying ex's school fees

191 replies

TiesThatBind · 18/05/2015 23:07

DH has offered to help an ex girlfriend pay her childrens' school fees for a couple of years. She is going through a nasty divorce, her eldest is about to start school and has been allocated an place at an "Inadequate" local primary. ExGF wants to take a place at a private school instead but can't afford the full fees right now.

DH and I spoke about it beforehand and the contribution he has offered won't materially affect our lifestyle right now.

I realise we are in an incredibly fortunate position, and I am glad he can help, but nonetheless I feel uneasy. Probably because I know he was seriously in love with her for several years - although it was all over five years before he and I met.

AIBU? Worried am turning into a jealous cow, but really feel nervous about this.

OP posts:
QuintShhhhhh · 18/05/2015 23:34

Lots of parents move their children to private education at 7+, some do at 11+.

If she starts work full time now, she will be able to pay the fees herself, if she move the children at some point in the first couple of years.

WorraLiberty · 18/05/2015 23:34

Sorry X posted OP.

He's offering 2 years only and what then? What if she can't afford to keep the child at private school? What about her young DC?

She needs to send her DC to a state school. If she can afford to take them out after 2 years and send them to private, then that's all good.

If she can't, she'll have to do what everyone else does and stick with the state school.

BlinkAndMiss · 18/05/2015 23:34

Well the impact might not be for a couple of years, or ever. But is that a chance he should be taking? I'd be asking what happens when her other children start school, she's going to want them all to go to the same school isn't she? And what happens if your DH suddenly can't afford to pay? The child would then lose the place and end up at the primary school they thought they'd escaped.

It's a nice gesture, but it's not a very wise one. It can't be sustained and if she can't afford to pay for her own children then she shouldn't be accepting this kind of help from other people. It's a shame that the school is inadequate but that doesn't mean it always will be. In fact, a lot of money is put into schools like this which helps them to improve and have access to lots of different resources.

YANBU, I'd be discouraging it.

WorraLiberty · 18/05/2015 23:39

If you have 2 kids under 2yrs of age, and her child is starting Primary (so aged 4 or 5yrs?)

How could it be all over 5yrs before you met?

Good point Fairy Confused

TheIronGnome · 18/05/2015 23:40

I think it's a terrible idea. It will lead to (more) guild and resentment surfacing years down the line, and who's to say that your fortunate circumstances will always be that way?

cut ties, he owes her and her children nothing and giving a significant amount of money will prevent her from being fully independent and keep a relatiomship between them when there doesn't need to be. Your family needs to be his priority.

olgaga · 18/05/2015 23:41

You've definitely got your maths wrong.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/05/2015 23:44

I've paid the school fees and given pocket money and all sorts to the children of my ex.

They are good kids (well now adults) and I'm incredibly fond of them.

They did exist when I was with my ex

Optimist1 · 18/05/2015 23:44

Seriously weird IMO, but then I've never been in a position where I had sufficient ££s to make a difference to friends' lives. Would it make things simpler if he were to give her a lump sum equivalent to two years' fees? No wondering on your part whether this benevolence was going to extend for years and years, and shows a the ex that her good fortune is definitely limited.

What concerns me is what would happen if your family's circumstances changed for the worse - if you wanted at some stage in the future to do something that was out of your reach because of the ongoing financial commitment he wants to make? And heaven forbid anything should happen to him, but I think if her children were deemed to be financially dependent on him in any way then his will could be contested if there was no provision for them. Copious opportunity for angst, I fear.

WorraLiberty · 18/05/2015 23:46

NeedsAsockamnesty fair enough you funded the school fees and pocket money, but the all sorts??

FFS let them buy their own liquorice Grin

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/05/2015 23:48

Then that would have never given me grounds to exercise my consumer rights by testing it

AtomicDog · 18/05/2015 23:49

If you as a family can afford it, why not?
Shouldn't friends help one another?
However, if she is being unrealistic about what will happen after those two years, then he also needs to act as a friend and tell her.

I should say that one of my exs is guardian to my children (with DH!) and would raise them if we were to die. I know this isn't most people's situation, but we're still on very good terms. We'd take on his children if anything were to happen to him and his DW too. Our children are all like cousins to each other.

Aermingers · 18/05/2015 23:51

How long were they together for? The only thing that occurred to me was that if it was a very long term relationship (like a marriage but they didn't actually get married), he may feel guilt if he just got to walk away without giving her any sort of settlement which she would have got if they had married.

It sounds like he is a high earner. He may well feel like she helped him get where he is today, possibly somewhat at the expense of her own career. He might feel like he owes her a debt. Perhaps she supported him at the start of his career while he was skint and kept him going?

I would sit down and talk to him and ask him for his reasons why. If it was my DH and he could give concrete reasons why she did deserve it I would probably accept it. Particularly if my own good financial situation had it's grounding in actions she had taken in the previous relationship, but she had never reaped the rewards of those actions.

Happybodybunny12 · 19/05/2015 00:02

Aren't you suspicious op? Aren't you jealous on behalf of your own children? Do you really want this 'Ex' and her kids in your life for years?

Honestly this isn't normal behaviour from your dh.

ratsintheattic · 19/05/2015 00:02

if the OP meet her DH 10 years ago, for example, and the relationship with the ex finished 5 years before that then the maths works perfectly well. The OP didn't say when her relationship started or how long she had been with her DH.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 19/05/2015 00:03

I too thought the same thing - it just doesn't add up. I don't think I'd be so sure that my DH wasn't the father in this situation if I'm honest. Sorry, that is a hurtful thing to say, but that is what I would be thinking if I were you.

I would be wanting the money put into a saving account for our future/our DCs school fees if I were you. If the ex can afford a private education for the DCs, and that's what she wants, fab, if she can't afford it, then it's whatever school her DCs have been offered.

Are you sure she hasn't got some sort of hold over him, OP?

Topseyt · 19/05/2015 00:04

Who on earth would even consider paying private school fees for children who are allegedly not even their own?! If she must send them to private school then why is their biological father not paying (if he can afford to). It just doesn't make any sense.

I doubt it would magically stop after two years, even if she is then earning more than she currently is. She would find a reason to ask for a continuation, and wouldn't want to disrupt them by moving schools, wouldn't like the state school offerings etc.

What happens when your own children reach school age? Perhaps you might want to send them to private school, but can you if he is already paying fees for her kids?

I would be wondering what really lay behind this - whether he is still too emotionally invested in her perhaps. Or maybe the person she is divorcing is not the father of her children after all ........

ADishBestEatenCold · 19/05/2015 00:05

Don't understand why people are questioning the time scale of this.

For example:

OP's DH could have split up from his ExGF in 2005, then spent a few years dating various people (or not dating), before meeting OP in 2010, marrying in 2012, then having DC1 IN 2013 and DC2 IN 2014.

Meantime ExGF, having split up from OP's DH IN 2005, could have met her future DH (now soon to be ExH) within the year, married him in 2008, and had there first child in 2010.

... for example ... which would mean that OP's DH did indeed split up with the ExGF 5 years before meeting OP ... so can some of the posters questioning the time-scale tell me why such a scenario would not fit?

Topseyt · 19/05/2015 00:08

Sorry if some of my post isn't what you want to hear. Not trying to be hurtful, but that element of doubt would be there for me, and it is the only way it seems to make some form of sense.

I would be happy to be wrong.

StupidBloodyKindle · 19/05/2015 00:10

Sorry, I just can't get my head around this.
Did he make the offer without discussing it with you first? Shock Angry
He is doing those kids no favours if she cannot continue the fees two years from now.
Whatever £££ it is, you are waving goodbye to it, at your own kids' detriment, it is cash you could be putting away into an isa for their college fund. You might have two under two, but four years from now they might be needing that cash. Confused
Unless he is their godparent or named guardian if their parents die, I just don't get it. Also, how does her ex husband to be feel about her ex funding his children's education? Or is he laughing, thinking, what a pushover?

WalterMittyish · 19/05/2015 00:12

I find this an odd proposition. Financial entanglements are difficult enough and bring a whole set of emotional issues with them even between partners (romantic and/or business partners).

This just doesn't sit right with me at all. It's quite possibly an entirely altruistic gesture, but is a situation where your DH's ex is beholden to (and to some degree answerable to, because you don't bite the hand that pays the school fees) really a wise idea?

steff13 · 19/05/2015 00:12

I was questioning the timeline, but it's because I assumed the kids existed while the OP's husband was dating the ex. If he had a relationship with them because he dated their mother, then I can see why he might want to help out. If they weren't born yet, then it's more confusing (IMO) why he wants to help out.

Topseyt · 19/05/2015 00:15

Dish, I too think that the timescale potentially works. However, it still leaves the question of why the OP's DH seems to be so eager to pay the school fees of children who are apparently not his?

It seems fishy to me. It would be interesting to know the reasons behind the ex-girlfriend's current ongoing divorce, but we are unlikely to get this information and it is probably best not to speculate too much.

WalterMittyish · 19/05/2015 00:30

Also, OP, is the fact that you chose 'TiesThatBind' as your username reflective of the fact that you think this runs a bit (or a lot) deeper than just one friend wanting to help another friend financially?

WalterMittyish · 19/05/2015 00:33

"Although I know he will feel he can't renege now he has offered..."

Yes, he can. And if the ex claims not to understand why he has to withdraw the offer after discussion with his wife then she either lying or stupid.

BeCool · 19/05/2015 00:38

I know someone whose ex is putting her child through private school and has committed to funding the whole of child's schooling, provison in his will etc. He is not the father.

Very fortunate child.