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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying ex's school fees

191 replies

TiesThatBind · 18/05/2015 23:07

DH has offered to help an ex girlfriend pay her childrens' school fees for a couple of years. She is going through a nasty divorce, her eldest is about to start school and has been allocated an place at an "Inadequate" local primary. ExGF wants to take a place at a private school instead but can't afford the full fees right now.

DH and I spoke about it beforehand and the contribution he has offered won't materially affect our lifestyle right now.

I realise we are in an incredibly fortunate position, and I am glad he can help, but nonetheless I feel uneasy. Probably because I know he was seriously in love with her for several years - although it was all over five years before he and I met.

AIBU? Worried am turning into a jealous cow, but really feel nervous about this.

OP posts:
DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 19/05/2015 07:12

It's a lovely offer but not very well thought out. Regardless of whether you can afford it, it blurs too many boundaries.

Your DP sounds a lovely fella. But maybe not the most practical.

AuntieStella · 19/05/2015 07:21

She's probably as sure as any of us, whose partners have who exes who remain friends, and who have gone on to marry and produce children years after they split up.

SignoraStronza · 19/05/2015 07:23

Not being able to send one's children to private school doesn't make you a charity case ffs.
Tell his ex to do one and put the money saved into an account for your own children.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 19/05/2015 07:23

Goodness. It's very generous.

But if this was me, I would be getting slightly suspicious as to just how close he really is to her children, if you see what I mean - and I imagine so will other people tbh.

TrulyTurtles · 19/05/2015 07:38

Haven't rttft, but where is the dc father in this? she needs to suck it up I think and look after her own kids. I'd be very unhappy about it.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/05/2015 07:45

It is very odd, she could afford them if she went back to work. It's a huge financial contribution, you might need that money in the future for your kids, or your dh çoukd be made redundant or whatever, that you need that money.

I would night want my dh doing this, you feel uneasy for a good reason, as you probably know the situation is not right.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/05/2015 07:46

Yes it does tread on many boundaries, and yiur uneasiness is totally justified.

beachyhead · 19/05/2015 07:49

If the ex is able to pay long term for her dc to attend that school or she is confident that school fees will be covered by her ex after the settlement comes through, then your dh is just giving her an interest free loan for two years to tide her over. What she spends it on is neither here nor there. So if he calculates £5k a term for two years, so £30k advanced up front with a set repayment date.

I think it's just emotive because it's kids and school and an ex! A straight loan to a mate should be more palatable....

propelusagain · 19/05/2015 07:57

auntie, but not all go on to fund school fees.

And I agree where is the "real " father- why isn't he paying?

A straight loan to a mate should be more palatable.... but it isn't. This is an ex, and a child, the whole situation is much more complicated than that.

Trufflethewuffle · 19/05/2015 08:03

I have no idea about these things but could the proposed arrangement have any sort of effect on her divorce settlement so that she ended up with less as a result?

frostyfingers · 19/05/2015 08:08

Don't even go there. In two years time the ex will come and say she can't possibly upset the children by taking them out of school, it would be really unkind and your DH (and you) will be suckered into paying ad infinitem.

She needs to think again re education, and whilst the idea of a private school is wonderful if you can afford it, it's something she'll have to reconsider since she can't. Just because you can afford it for her doesn't mean she should go ahead.

What happens if your circumstances change and you suddenly need the money for your children?

icelollycraving · 19/05/2015 08:17

She is unlikely to want to unsettle them after two years. Then I suspect there will be some good emotional blackmail about how settled they are,how they wouldn't survive in a dreadful underfunded school,how she is heartbroken she can't provide for them...
I would be discussing this in detail with all of you. I would question his motives. Why is he whooshing in to the rescue? Where is the children's father in all this?
This isn't just fees,there will be trips,extra curricular groups etc.
You are clearly very comfortable financially but things change. Is this based on savings or your dh salary? What would happen if he was made redundant for example?
You are right to be very very cautious.

letscookbreakfast · 19/05/2015 08:19

I think it's an incredibly nice thing for him to do.

Coffee1234 · 19/05/2015 08:28

I'd be less upset about the money (it sounds like you can afford it) than the issue that they're obviously still in regular contact and that she feels close enough to him to accept such a gift.

Icimoi · 19/05/2015 08:29

It is very nice, but he's not thinking ahead. If she can't pay after two years, she will inevitably be coming back guilt-tripping him about how hard it would be for the children to be taken out. And you may be able to afford it now, but what would happen if something happens which means your income drops dramatically? You would be bound to resent the fact that around £50K had been spent on someone else's children,

londonrach · 19/05/2015 08:31

They must be his children op. Overwise its very strange. Yanbu.

Whatthebobbins · 19/05/2015 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntieStella · 19/05/2015 08:35

"Haven't rttft, but where is the dc father in this?"

She said in OP that they are right in the middle of the divorce, and I can see why that would cause interruption to cash flow. One of the things they need to sort out in the financial settlement is intentions for future schooling and who will pay.

Cash to tide over (if she has secured a school place and an instalment on fees is due) is quite different from offering open-ended help. That's why I suggested making it a loan with clear repayment timetable.

georgeousgeorge · 19/05/2015 08:37

private school only 12k per year? It's 16k round here at a relatively "cheap" school

Ask your Dh what he will do in 2 years when she still can't afford it and he's given the emotional blackmail about moving the kids into a failing primary?

For me it would be better to start them in a state school then if she can't afford it they stay there and no problems. The other way round it'll be an awful shock to the kids to move from the private bubble (small classes/lots of attention) to state.

Also what about the extras, in private uniform is expensive, there's trips and other stuff....

CinnabarRed · 19/05/2015 08:40

AuntieStella - that's one possible scenario, for sure. But another is that the mother has moved away from the father, hence the need for a new school, but that neither the mother nor the father earns enough to support private school fees. It's perfectly feasible that the children had previously attended a good state school.

AyeAmarok · 19/05/2015 08:40

Nit a stable enough long term situation for him to pay school fees.

Wouldn't be fair on the child/ren.

She needs to wait until she can afford it herself, otherwise she'll end up having to move the cold from private to state, which would be difficult for the child.

Or, your DH would end up funding it for 14 years.

Newbrummie · 19/05/2015 08:41

It is better to bite the billet and go with the crap school now and if your DH wants to help her with legal fees to get everything from the divorce that she should then that would be better use of his money.

OrlandoWoolf · 19/05/2015 08:55

I'm surprised your DH offered without discussing things first with you. Is it his money or family money?

I'm sure he would be annoyed if you offered to pay an ex partner in such a situation without discussing things first.

DoTheDuckFace · 19/05/2015 09:05

Can you clarify ths timings please op of when they split up in relation to when the DC were born.
.

alteredimages · 19/05/2015 09:09

This is complete madness on your DH's part OP.

I can understand why, especially if continued to have feelings for her a long time after they broke up, he would want to help her when she is having a hard time. But not like this.

As other posters have pointed out, once a child is settled in school it is not at all easy to move them. If you are going to send your child to private school you have to have some sort of plan for funding it til the end of primary at least. So your DH is likely to end up funding until the end of primary unless her circumstances dramatically improve.

I think the suggestions that he fathered her children are a bit hysterical though, if him wanting to help her out is the only indication.

It just isn't appropriate though. It seems really short sighted of your DH. How can he know what your circumstances will be in 2 years time? Has he considered that by the time you come to send your DCs to school you might be struggling financially? The money should be tucked away in savings for your DCs to cover school fees or any other expensive things you might want to provide for them.

This isn't the same thing, but before he married my uncle gave away a really large amount of money to friends. He later married, left his job as a stockbroker and had a large family (including a very disabled DC) to support on quite a modest income. He often thought wistfully about how handy that money would have been for his own children when they were struggling.

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