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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying ex's school fees

191 replies

TiesThatBind · 18/05/2015 23:07

DH has offered to help an ex girlfriend pay her childrens' school fees for a couple of years. She is going through a nasty divorce, her eldest is about to start school and has been allocated an place at an "Inadequate" local primary. ExGF wants to take a place at a private school instead but can't afford the full fees right now.

DH and I spoke about it beforehand and the contribution he has offered won't materially affect our lifestyle right now.

I realise we are in an incredibly fortunate position, and I am glad he can help, but nonetheless I feel uneasy. Probably because I know he was seriously in love with her for several years - although it was all over five years before he and I met.

AIBU? Worried am turning into a jealous cow, but really feel nervous about this.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 19/05/2015 14:59

I'm not getting the knickers in a twist about the fact the relationship was over five years before you met, so at least 7-8 years ago, yet the oldest child is only four or five. What is the issue? She had a child 2-3 years after she left him. Confused

tulipbulbs · 19/05/2015 15:01

I think that she may be a narcissist and he is narcissistic feed. Sorry to say this but it sounds just like someone in our neighbourhood, an attractive woman who is always fragrant and lovely and has pools of women and men (including her wealthy husband) sitting at her feet in adoration and doing everything she wants. She doesn't need to ask people for things they just keep giving and buying.
Read up on this a bit - it is very subtle, but highly profitable.
It's also interesting that charm hasn't been exerted on you.

diddl · 19/05/2015 15:13

Also, what is the father's take on this?

Does even want his child at a private school, let alone funded by his exes ex!

DuncanQuagmire · 19/05/2015 15:14

father and ex's ex might just be the same person....
just saying.

diddl · 19/05/2015 15:17

Well it would certainly explain her asking!

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 19/05/2015 15:26

DH and I spoke about it beforehand and the contribution he has offered won't materially affect our lifestyle right now.

I realise we are in an incredibly fortunate position, and I am glad he can help, but nonetheless I feel uneasy.

Like some pp, I feel uneasy about the way you view your DH using your joint money as him helping and not you both helping. It's like he's (at best) asked your permission to spend his money, not your joint money, which is what it is.

DoraGora · 19/05/2015 15:53

Private primary education is a waste of money, anyway. If the child's education isn't going well in a few month/years's time, maybe said child could visit a private tutor at your house alongside your own children. How's that? Helpful, without being seriously weird.

MissBattleaxe · 19/05/2015 16:16

Surely the children's own father can pay the school fees pending the divorce? Is the ex honestly saying that the children cannot go to private school until all the finances have been sorted out? If so, that is the fault of the children's parents and not the OP or her husband. It's most certainly not OP's husband's job to support her kids when they have a father who is alive and well.

OP, your DH seems more worried about upsetting the ex than he does about upsetting you.

ADishBestEatenCold · 19/05/2015 19:18

Has OP gone?

Bit worried.

straighttothepoint · 19/05/2015 20:09

Why the fuck would your dh commit to this? It will be a minimum of £60,000 for two kids for two years. Could be more .... Is your dh signing a contract for this? What if your finances get screwed, or you or your dh had a life changing accident or illness? Seriously, wtf!

MissBattleaxe · 19/05/2015 20:26

Yep. The DH is putting the ex first. The ex's children already have a father who could presumably pay the school fees and if they can't afford it then they have to do what the rest of us do and NOT SEND THEM.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/05/2015 20:26

I know I'm not the parent of any of the children that I funded (obviously outside of my own actual children).

It was just a nice thing to do caused no drama no obligation just a no strings attached gift for kids I quite liked. And pre divorce from their father I did not have what most people would consider to be a step parent role with them.

I have a incredibly good relationship with them now and with their mother and I'm very glad I did it.

Way better than bunging them a car like I would have done instead

TrulyTurtles · 19/05/2015 20:45

She doesn't want to be an ex imho.
Has op vanished?

silverglitterpisser · 19/05/2015 20:52

No, no, no.

Magnificently kind n generous but definitely odd I'm afraid.

Original poster
TiesThatBind · 19/05/2015 20:58

Not vanished - just digesting! Slightly overwhelmed by the scale of response...

I will talk to DH and we will come up with another plan. I understand and respect his wish to help someone who is a friend as well as an ex (they have known each other since they were teenagers, their parents are also good friends etc). And I want to do something for the children too - they have had a horrible time.

But we need to agree how to do it, and I have to be comfortable. So that's what we will work out!

And all those who are worried about paternity/timing: I am not.

They broke up about ten years ago, she was already married when I met DH about five years ago, and she had her first baby shortly afterwards (who looks identical to her exDH and absolutely nothing like mine). Plus if my DH were their father he would do anything and everything to be a proper Dad to them.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/05/2015 21:30

Oh and not only do I have no secret longings for my ex I have a lifetime restraining order prohibiting from contacting me or coming within 200 yards of my home.

TandemFlux · 19/05/2015 22:19

I think there are other ways to help. Swimming lessons, uniform, shoes, a weekly riverford box,

FresherThanYou · 19/05/2015 22:25

Welcome back op! What about the ex? Is he happy for you to pay for his children?

MissBattleaxe · 20/05/2015 10:08

what's a weekly riverford box?

Only1scoop · 20/05/2015 10:15

Very odd situation and a huge commitment.

There's being cool with this and a charitable good all round egg because you are in a comfortable financial period.

And being a wee bit stupid.

Tangerineandturquoise · 20/05/2015 11:10

I hope you find a solution that you are all happy with.
The ball is in the children's mothers court now- she needs to be sure she can provide for fees in the future, and uniforms and trips (the every day ones not the ski ones) in the present.
You sound like you know your DH to be a wonderful man- but sometimes fairly innocuous things can make you think about tweaks, and I do think after this is over it might be worth sitting down to sort out how you both see the family money and decisions around it.

Heels99 · 20/05/2015 11:40

I think some people are missing the point. The ex isn't broke, she just can't afford school fees, like 93% of the population who don't send their kids to private schools. They are an expensive luxury when education is available for free. Friends and ex partners shpuld not be required to fund such things.
A weekly river ford veg box will presumably not be accepted by the school as part payment and so is not a solution. The solution is to say 'NO'

Op can you also afford school fees for your own children? Do you know how much the fees are? What if she can never afford to pay it herself, school fees for 14 years for 2 kids you are looking at £200k. Can you really afford not to miss that money?

This plan is batty, it really is. Why doesn't she ask her parents to pay?
This will end badly. Possibly with you broke and divorced or frustrated and cross as your dh shells out for these kids that are not his. Uni fees next!

wheresthebeach · 20/05/2015 11:50

In my book this is out of order. It will tie him to her children. It's not his role. He's not their rich uncle.

Who knows what she will be able to afford in the future? If she can't take over the fees then will he continue to pay or force a school move?. What if your circumstances change?

Grade A bonkers

2rebecca · 20/05/2015 12:42

What does the kids' father think about this? I'm concerned at how involved your ex is in a decision that should only involved the parents. Your husband and his ex seem to be sidelining the kids' father. He and the mother should be discussing which school their child attends and what they can afford.
Your husband seems to be throwing a spanner in to what sounds like a stressful divorce if the kids are having a horrible time at the moment.
If you are concerned they are unhappy take them on trips out, it doesn't have to be about money, if the woman (who can't be that good a friend to you if you mainly think of her as his "ex" despite her having been married) will soon be wealthy enough to afford school fees for primary school kids then there is obviously a lot of money floating about. Do things that don't involve money.

badtime · 20/05/2015 12:59

I think the best suggestion on this thread has been that if your husband is determined to help her out Hmm , he should give her a cash gift or loan in the amount that he would give her for the school fees over the two years agreed; however, he should make it clear that he is not contributing to the school fees, but she can choose to use the money he gives her for that.