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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying ex's school fees

191 replies

TiesThatBind · 18/05/2015 23:07

DH has offered to help an ex girlfriend pay her childrens' school fees for a couple of years. She is going through a nasty divorce, her eldest is about to start school and has been allocated an place at an "Inadequate" local primary. ExGF wants to take a place at a private school instead but can't afford the full fees right now.

DH and I spoke about it beforehand and the contribution he has offered won't materially affect our lifestyle right now.

I realise we are in an incredibly fortunate position, and I am glad he can help, but nonetheless I feel uneasy. Probably because I know he was seriously in love with her for several years - although it was all over five years before he and I met.

AIBU? Worried am turning into a jealous cow, but really feel nervous about this.

OP posts:
lucyjordon · 19/05/2015 00:40

I am going to go against the grain and say i think it is a nice thing to do, if you are lucky enough for the money not to affect your family's lifestyle. Kind and generous, and unless you really have firm evidence that there is another agenda to this, then I would assume it was an entirely altruistic gesture.

Allalonenow · 19/05/2015 00:42

There is no way that I would agree to the plan, it shows far too much emotional involvement by your DH in the family life of his Ex.

Do you think that she would help you and your children out financially were you to become involved in a messy divorce?

In practical terms, no one knows what lies ahead for them, and in the future if your family circumstanses were to alter dramatically, you and your own children could need that money.

As for the EX, she needs to learn to cut her coat according to her cloth, and to live within her own budget. She could take out a loan to pay for school fees, ask grandparents etc etc.

SoonToBeSix · 19/05/2015 01:00

You can make a four year old in five years.

badbaldingballerina123 · 19/05/2015 01:55

I wouldn't like this one bit. I wouldn't like the offer of financial support and I wouldn't like my husband being so emotionally involved in someone else's family.

I too would wonder if the child was his.

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/05/2015 02:02

OP, you say that the Ex was earning good money before she had children. How long ago was that?

BadLad · 19/05/2015 02:03

My wife would think I'd gone stark raving mad if I said I wanted to spend thousands of pounds on an ex-partner's family.

Coyoacan · 19/05/2015 02:58

I think it is a lovely generous offer, but totally mad. I think that if you can't afford private, you send your children to the state school or home educate the other is a hide onto nothing.
I would hate for a child of mine to get settled and happy in a school and then have to take them out because I couldn't afford it.

And if your dh has lots of money he wants to give away, I'm sure there are lots of needier cases.

surreygoldfish · 19/05/2015 03:29

Very odd - unless, as someone else has said that you have so much money this is a drop in the ocean. IMO also potentially really unfair on her kids - what happens in 2 yrs time and she still can't afford it- do the kids then get pulled out of school away from their friends. Cost of private schooling at 11 is v different to age 5.

ltk · 19/05/2015 03:37

I would understand if you and dh are incredibly wealthy, to the point that handing her £30k or so would honestly be unnoticeable. But even then, I would object to the money being paid for what is essentially a luxury item. If their house was at risk, or children were ill and private treatment would make a difference, etc, then yes give them the money if you can. But if he has £30k to donate, this is a pisspoor cause. Private school is nowhere even near an essential and I would object and question his motives.

inthename · 19/05/2015 03:58

can't even get my own ex to do this for our ds, so can't imagine why your DH would take on such a huge commitment. Is it a loan she is going to pay back or a gift?! he'd be better off holding on to the money for when your children reach school age.

Balanced12 · 19/05/2015 05:34

The Ex has to live within her own means it is unreasonable to ask others for money for non-essential items

ColdCottage · 19/05/2015 05:43

I think it is lovely he can do it for someone who is now just a close friend. If I had money and could help someone I cared for out like this I would. You have a good man.

TandemFlux · 19/05/2015 05:49

I really don't think it matters where they go as an infant aged child as it's meant to be play based. The parents can read with the child lots to support.

She could choose to put her child on a waiting list for various good schools, then home educate or use the poor school as a temporary pit stop.

I think its inappropriate for your DH to pay. What will happen after two years? Will he feel obliged to pay still? Also he is giving away cash that could be invested in your own children. When you have them

Timetoask · 19/05/2015 05:50

Please bear in mind OP that your DH will need to add an some £££ to the fees for uniform, outings, etc. admittedly if it's reception it will be less than in higher years but still.
Also he needs to include a 5% annual increase to those fees.
It's a terrible idea, he will be doing the child no favours if after 2 years she is still not able to pay for the fees and the child has to change school. It is preferable to transfer from state to private than the other way around.

ChasedByBees · 19/05/2015 05:54

I also yhibknitsvweird. He can't guarantee he'll earn this kind of money forever, why not put it in trust for his own children?

TandemFlux · 19/05/2015 05:54

I just think it's totally unessesary to pay for schooling aged 4/5/6. Most people I know only move their children into fee paying schools aged 7 (juniors).

antimatter · 19/05/2015 06:05

I wonder how would the conversation turn if your DH offered a loan of 30K over let say 15 years.

There's different level of commitment to spending loaned money vs gifted money.

If she is so confident se can add 15K cash to her income in 2 years time she would actually offer to borrow money from your family and not to accept it as a gift.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 19/05/2015 06:35

Doing this for your own kids is normal.
Doing it for your sister's kids is a bit weird, but still within the not-too-weird boundary.
After which you are prime time into what-the-actual-fuck territory.

I would show him this thread. Then I would start to make a rapid withdrawal out of this woman's life.

I'd also tell him, that like several people upthread have said, and whether it be cast iron not true or not, the whole 'hood is going to think he is their father, because otherwise the situation is too batshit weird.

Do you want to tell us more about his involvement in their lives? How did her recent ex feel about that?

Sorry for lack of vocab this morning, but this is the weirdest thing I've read on here for ages!

1Morewineplease · 19/05/2015 06:51

I'm with TheFairyCavern on this!...this all sounds fishy and like others have suggested.. Where will it end? You don't sound convinced yourself now.. Just wondering how you'll feel five or even ten years down the line.. Be careful

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/05/2015 06:55

I think there are probably better charity cases out there.

VelvetRose · 19/05/2015 06:57

DW and I are not extremely wealthy but we are in a better financial position than a lot of our friends. We've paid for lots of treats in the past for them because we wanted to and because they were having a horrible time for one reason or another. I think I'll always do that if I have the money.

School fees are a bit different though for all the reasons stated above. I'm with Worra. Why not treat them to a lovely holiday? A commitment like school fees would make me uncomfortable too and I am very laid back about ex partners in general

SoggyBottoms · 19/05/2015 06:59

Unless you are literally zillionaires, I wouldn't be able to stop myself feeling feeling resentful about the things I/my family could have spent that money on.

For example... You have two kids under 2. You could get a day's childcare a week to have a rest, go to the gym, whatever.
You could have given birth in a private hospital.
You could have some lovely family holidays.
Or you could save the money for your kids' university education...

WipsGlitter · 19/05/2015 07:03

I know someone who pays the fees for his ex's child. He was part of the child's life for a considerable time and loves him and wants the best for him. He declined is ex's request to also pay child maintenance.

Coconutty · 19/05/2015 07:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

propelusagain · 19/05/2015 07:07

How can you be sure that none of the kids his ex has are fathered by him?

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