Paying ex's school fees

[TiesThatBind]

DH has offered to help an ex girlfriend pay her childrens' school fees for a couple of years. She is going through a nasty divorce, her eldest is about to start school and has been allocated an place at an "Inadequate" local primary. ExGF wants to take a place at a private school instead but can't afford the full fees right now.

DH and I spoke about it beforehand and the contribution he has offered won't materially affect our lifestyle right now.

I realise we are in an incredibly fortunate position, and I am glad he can help, but nonetheless I feel uneasy. Probably because I know he was seriously in love with her for several years - although it was all over five years before he and I met.

AIBU? Worried am turning into a jealous cow, but really feel nervous about this.

He's not an ex is he. Maybe physically I don't know but Definatly not emotionally.

"It's perfectly feasible that the children had previously attended a good state school."

I don't think so, it says in OP that the eldest is about to start school.

The local primary will be fine, get her to read to the kids after school.

Just leaping back in to say I agree with those who think one burning issue in all of this is if he agreed to handing out that amount of money without discussing it with you.

Rich people aren't rich for very long if they dish out thousands of ££s willy nilly so it isn't a small gesture no matter how much he earns.
Also unless she is something uber amazing I am struggling to see how she can go from SAHM back into the work place earning enough to shell out £24k a year in school fees within two years

OK, would have started at state school had the mother and father not separated.

My point is, there nothing to suggest that the father and mother could have afforded private school fees prior to the divorce.

I would be trying to discourage this as strongly as possible.

We have some family members who started their children at private school on the basis of a short-term financial arrangement. When that came to an end, they still couldn't pay the fees, so another family member was asked to help 'as a one-off.' Predictably enough, there still wasn't enough money after that 'one-off' payment, and further help was requested and refused, leading to the children being removed from school, with much resentment all round.

I think people see school fees differently to other help or hand-outs, and will push the point on the basis that it's not for them, it's for the children. Unless you can commit to paying these school fees for the duration of the children's school years, I wouldn't even think about starting this.

A private primary school is generally an expensive unnecessary luxury.
If his ex and the kids' father can't afford to send the child then she doesn't go. If his ex has more money in 2 years she can send her then.
I don't think this is a nice gesture and think it shows he still sees himself involved in her life to an unhealthy extent. She's been married and divorced since they were going out together.

I would be uncomfortable with this unless you are so wealthy it really won't make a difference. If you are that wealthy then I would suggest he gives her a one off cash lump sum up front and makes it clear that is all he can do. She can use the money sensibly or badly but the key thing for you is that it is not an ongoing connection between her and your DH.

What do you mean make no difference to me of the dcs? Are you absolutely sure this is the case in the long term? Put the money into property or savings for your cd when they're grown up. I think it's utterly ridiculous I would not be happy. Surely the person she's divorcing children's father should have a say in this and how on earth could he be happy with this arrangement??

Your DH and the ex - how/why did it end, and who ended it? Does he feel he 'owes' her something, or is he trying to connect her to him more tightly?

Or maybe she supported him while he built his career, and now he feels she's due a return on that.

I'd still not be happy about it at all. But I can see that might be a reason why he feels it's a justifiable offer to make.

Very very strange.
Your dh needs to keep his distance from this woman. I don't know how she could even accept his help.
I definitely would not stand for it. The whole thing is ridiculous.

Not for an ex. Can't see any reason why he would want to do this. It's not just his money, it is your money as a couple. What does she mean to you? What does she mean to him? It's not appropriate and it's making you have all sorts of feelings that unless he is incredibly stupid he must be able to see are natural. She was unreasonable to ask (she should pay for her own kids education or send them to state school if she can't afford it). He is unreasonable to say yes. Why are they so close? The whole things is inappropriate.

Stand up for how you feel. If he insists then I would consider that time for a more upfront chat about his relationship with an ex who can ask him for such a massive thing and expect him to say yes.

For Gods sake no.
If she can't keep up payments on her own after the loan, the dc would have to leave anyway.
I would be worried if he wouldn't back down for your sake as she obviously means more to him than you.

That's a point.

Did she support him/his career at any point? Does he feel he owes her? Did she once (or more times) dig him out of a financial hole?

If the answer to that is yes, and if you feel that changes things then do one thing.

Don't make it 'paying school fees'.

Make it a gift, or a loan (whichever was the plan) of X amount. For her to do whatever she wants with. But it's NOT for school fees, and there is no 'you covering the bill when it comes in'. You give her x amount and that is that and you distance yourself (and he distances himself big time) from any familiarity with her financial affairs. You don't want to know. You make it CLEAR you don't want to know and you don't feel it's appropriate to discuss her private affairs.

Remove the link from the fees and the implication that you are supporting the children. Then you avoid the guilt tripping possibilities if it all goes tits up and two years down the line she can't afford school fees.

However. Even then, it's still a terrible idea and simply opens a complete can of worms.

The more I think about this the more I think you would both be very wise to cut contact with her.

I had to consider at one point a family member offering to pay school fees for one of mine for a specific reason.
Although I felt the school was better for them I refused for various reasons:

1. If they stopped my dc would need to leave the school and it would be much harder to stop than not carry on.
2. It would make me very beholden to them, we couldn't pay it back, and I felt it would effect our realtionship potentially.
3. It would be committing to an awful lot of money, then dc2 and dc3 would come along in similar positions, and they would be under pressure to do the same by them, or dc1 would have had huge amount more money spent on their education.

Has she asked for this money, or is he offering? Her asking would be hugely cheeky, and that alone would make me want to refuse it. . Him offering may be his generous heart not thinking things through.

Absolutely not. No way. No no no no no. No.
For all the reasons already given.
This cannot end well.

I wonder how people here would feel if it was a friend that he offered this too?

It sounds like they are friends, and this is a lovely gesture. It is however a huge financial commitment and that would put me off.

It is extremely common for private school fees to be paid by relatives, and even friends. I know lots of my friends received this.

I agree with 2rebecca - private primary is a luxury that I wouldn't be paying for if I was out looking for a charity on which to bestow my wealth. So what that the local state is inadequate - it won't be for long and in a way you're child is better off in an ofsted graded inadequate than a complacent school that was graded outstanding about two centuries ago.

Yes we all want the 'best' for our children but we cut our cloth, we don't go asking for bizarre handouts.

It is weird, it really is.

Nibble, lots of your friends have had school fees paid for by fsmily maybe, but unlikely by ex partners who now have a wife and children.

I doubt many school fees are paid for by ex partners who are not the aren't of the children.

Seriously op wake up and smell the coffee on this one!

anyway boo hoo her local school has been deemed 'inadequate' - has it really OP? are you sure?
besides even if it has, that grading could be about eg poor paperwork in the office.
I think this is very very odd and would wonder about the paternity of her children tbh.
and as others have also said, it is not just HIS money, it is family money and he agreed to spending a huge chunk of it without consulting you.
I think she should send her children to the local state school and quit bothering your husband.

" you're child is better off in an ofsted graded inadequate than a complacent school that was graded outstanding about two centuries ago. "

this is so so true

Completely bizarre on every level. Never in a million years would I agree to this and if DH insisted I'd show him the door.

My DD1 has her fees paid by my ex father in law and even this makes me a little uncomfortable as I feel he has a certain level of control, or at least I did in the beginning, we are now 12 years down the line. I cannot imagine a scenario where I would accept such a generous offer from an ex who had absolutely no shared DNA with my child. The other thing to consider is when I was first single and living on a low income, whilst this was a very generous thing for ex FIL to do it also added to the strain, uniform is more expensive for a start, how is his ex going to manage those extra expenses? or will you be expected to cover those too? I think this is way too much commitment and involvement for all concerned and would not be happy at all.