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AIBU?

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Original poster

Paying ex's school fees

191 replies

TiesThatBind · 18/05/2015 23:07

DH has offered to help an ex girlfriend pay her childrens' school fees for a couple of years. She is going through a nasty divorce, her eldest is about to start school and has been allocated an place at an "Inadequate" local primary. ExGF wants to take a place at a private school instead but can't afford the full fees right now.

DH and I spoke about it beforehand and the contribution he has offered won't materially affect our lifestyle right now.

I realise we are in an incredibly fortunate position, and I am glad he can help, but nonetheless I feel uneasy. Probably because I know he was seriously in love with her for several years - although it was all over five years before he and I met.

AIBU? Worried am turning into a jealous cow, but really feel nervous about this.

OP posts:
sparkysparkysparky · 19/05/2015 09:15

If he has all this spare cash and giving it away won't impact on the family why doesn't he buy her a house in a nicer catchment area. Preferably the other side of the country.

DazzleU · 19/05/2015 09:17

Very odd.

GP, very rich uncles and aunties possible with no DC themselves or ex who were loaded very generous and who had spent considerable years in a parental role even if they weren't the biological parent would I think be usual but could see happening.

But this ex is married so presumably the DC have had their father round - so none of that applies here.

I think it's odd to offer but equally odd to accept such an offer.

So I'd want assurances DC definitely aren't his , their relations didn't rekindle at any point - I'd consider asking that as your DH thinking he as any responsibility in this situation is odd even if you can currently afford it.

Check that you have enough in savings or have an exit plan if unexpected financial difficulties hit you family unit - not impossible with young DC and current labour market. Assurances it won't continue past his deadline - as IME DC get more expensive as they get older so your two under two will increase in cost down the road.

Assurances that she has actually check out why the school is so poor - is it a one off bad inspection - that does happen - has a change of leadership happened? Is the school a happy place - sometimes it can be but teaching isn't up to par though a primary there a lot you can do at home to support them.

Are you getting this money back - what if your DC end up assigned to a poor school would you feel resentful then if you then couldn't pay.

Why wasn't this discussed with you prior to an offer being made.

If he feels he can't withdraw the offer - why are her, her feelings and her DC more important than his financial obligation to you and your DC.

DazzleU · 19/05/2015 09:18

At least with sparkys suggestion you'd have a house - a tangible asset you could possible rent out or sell later on rather than paying for someone else's school fees.

BitchPeas · 19/05/2015 09:22

It's weird behaviour. There is no need for it.

Tell him no I am not comfortable with this I don't want us to do it.

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

ConfusedInBath · 19/05/2015 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patapouf · 19/05/2015 09:50

Christ on a bike.

Maybe he should put the money in an account to save for his own kids school fees. If she can't afford them then she needs to apply for a bursary.

Never in a million years would I let this happen, if DH felt philanthropic he could make a donation to charity or do some volunteering. It sounds to me like he's giving her a taste of what she could have had with him.

whiteiris · 19/05/2015 09:58

It would maybe be different if she was a friend of both of yours, and if you had discussed and agreed it together before the offer was made.

ArtAttackSucks · 19/05/2015 10:10

Very very very strange.

dustarr73 · 19/05/2015 10:11

I would say it would be different if he brought the kids up as his own and then they split up.But in this case no way.That money should be earmarked for your own kids,after all we dont have a crystal ball and dont know whats gonna happen in a few years.

Plus the kids are older than yours are you 100% they are not dh kids.I wouldnt do it.

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed · 19/05/2015 10:30

The DH is still emotionally (at least) involved with the ex.

It's not the money per se that would make this a deal breaker for me.

Symptom of a deeper problem.

SoonToBeSix · 19/05/2015 10:33

Is your dh normally this generous? If not I would be worried this is either a way to secretly support his own child. Or his ex is blackmailing him to pay the fees or she will reveal to you the eldest is his child.

SylvaniansAtEase · 19/05/2015 10:37

As others have said, this is such a monumentally bad idea, on so many fronts.

  • totally inappropriate on a personal level, both because of the history and the complications it adds to your personal, joint interactions. To be blunt, for me, the fact that a. he even thought it appropriate to suggest and b. she agreed would have me wishing now to sever contact between your families. Huge alarm bells indicating a really inappropriate level of mutual closeness between them.
  • huge potential to cause a major rift in the future. What if she doesn't get enough money to continue - he's going to be the 'cause' of her having to move her kids to a sink school from their nice posh primary, is he? Or will you get the blame for that? Or will you be expected to stand 'against' both of them, insisting that the original agreement is upheld and your JOINT FAMILY FUNDS don't continue going to support her children?
  • What if your circumstances change in the meantime? What if you need the money? What if you could ideally do with the money but could manage without by tightening your belts - will you want to stop and him want to tighten? Massive, massive fallout potential.
  • Incidentally, why is it being couched as 'him offering'? He won't be supporting them - you both will. You're married with a child. It's both your money. Ok, he discussed it with you first - but it's not his gift to give. When - WHEN he goes back to her and says sorry, we've thought further and it's no go - make damn sure that doesn't get couched as YOU putting your foot down:

'Sorry Ex but I've thought further and really it isn't a good idea. If anything went wrong - we had tougher times and had to stop the fees, or if you didn't get the settlement - not only would the children have to be uprooted, but we could possible all end up falling out, and me and Ties really wouldn't want that. It's too short term a solution and could cause real personal difficulties so I think it's not something you should get into without backing from someone who could potentially cover the school fees long term if things don't go as planned with the divorce.'

Note the use of 'I' and 'we' in that speech. It's very deliberate. Make sure he uses it. If he doesn't, think about why.

And keep her at arms length. Or preferably, at about 50 miles length if not more.

diddl · 19/05/2015 10:38

What is "inadequate" about the school & who deemed it so?

I think I'd be giving it a chance first!

And even so the answer would be no way!

What if your circs change OP?

Help with food, bills, essentials, maybe.

But a 4yr old into private school.

Hahahahaha!

diddl · 19/05/2015 10:40

The fact that she has asked, let alone that he is considering it...

ENormaSnob · 19/05/2015 10:41

Totally weird.

Happybodybunny12 · 19/05/2015 10:42

She's a threat to your marriage op.

Your dh obviously has some sort of feelings, commitment, even still love for her.

He needs to make his choice.

You need to know where you stand love.

ouryve · 19/05/2015 10:47

That's a hell of a lot of money to be spending on kids that aren't his, even if you can afford it. I would not be comfortable with it.

AradiaQueenWitch · 19/05/2015 10:48

I would be questioning how much of an 'ex' she actually is.

tictactoad · 19/05/2015 10:52

No way would I be agreeing to this.

Utterly bizarre.

DixieNormas · 19/05/2015 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuttingOutTheCrap · 19/05/2015 11:02

It's not the ex bit that would bother me, it's the potential for this to be much larger and longer term than you expect. Will there be extras, uniforms, sports equipment, instruments, trips etc that he'll be asked to pay too, what if she can't afford it herself after two years- will he keep paying rather than have them removed from the school they've settled in? What if your financial circumstances change during the two years and you can no longer afford this? The list goes on!

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 19/05/2015 11:07

If (1) you can afford it and (2) the local school really is crap, then I might agree if the ex was a family friend. Any extras would have to be covered by said friend, and the deal would be put in writing.

But then, if I had the money I would happily pay for all my friend's kids to go to the only decent secondary school in the area...

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 19/05/2015 11:10

I think this is lovely. Your DH reminds me of my father.

Also a very wealthy man, and also very generous. He would have done something like this, but it would not have impeded on his paying for the private schooling of my brother, sister and I.

If you can be confident that him doing this in no way whatsoever affects the life of your own children, then I see no harm whatsoever.

KurriKurri · 19/05/2015 11:12

Where is the father of these children in this? Presumably the person from whom she is having nasty divorce. Why is he not having a say in his child's education and what does he feel about your husband funding it?
Anyway its ridiculous, a four year old with no special educational needs doesn't need a private education, and anyone who thinks they do shouldn't be asking her ex boyfriend to fund it.

diddl · 19/05/2015 11:20

"Where is the father of these children in this? "

That may well be the question!

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