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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying ex's school fees

191 replies

TiesThatBind · 18/05/2015 23:07

DH has offered to help an ex girlfriend pay her childrens' school fees for a couple of years. She is going through a nasty divorce, her eldest is about to start school and has been allocated an place at an "Inadequate" local primary. ExGF wants to take a place at a private school instead but can't afford the full fees right now.

DH and I spoke about it beforehand and the contribution he has offered won't materially affect our lifestyle right now.

I realise we are in an incredibly fortunate position, and I am glad he can help, but nonetheless I feel uneasy. Probably because I know he was seriously in love with her for several years - although it was all over five years before he and I met.

AIBU? Worried am turning into a jealous cow, but really feel nervous about this.

OP posts:
TranmereRover · 20/05/2015 13:06

please be aware that god forbid your husband dies at some point over the next few years, these children may well have a valid claim over his estate under the Inheritance (provision for family and dependents) act 1975.

if he is to do this, it needs to be carefully positioned so that no unintended obligation arises.
Has he put away school fees for your own children? is his income guaranteed going forward and does he have good critical illness cover? because you don't want to find your own children compromised by his altruism.

pluCaChange · 20/05/2015 15:16

Also, there's already one divorce in this story already. If - heaven forbid - you and your H's marriage hits the rocks at some point over the period of this "loan"/obligation, it will screw up your financial settlement because it's a big commitment and a big outgoing, and would make any divorce worse and more resented (on both you and your H's sides, let alone from the side of the ex and her children).

I can't believe he didn't discuss this with you!

CSIJanner · 20/05/2015 16:37

tv isn't just the private school fees though is it, that's the huge chunk but then there's uniform, after school clubs , hobbies plus the social peer pressure to be similar to other parents or do similar things at parties. These all cost extra. Local private schools here also set high charges for meals, breakfast club etc. Will you be footing the bill for that as well as that's what it boils down to - it's your money, joint. Not just his. And private school can be a bottomless pit.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/05/2015 18:48

He's only offered to pay the fees,and it's been offered as a gift it would be unusual for that to create a formal dependant situation.

Having done this myself for several children it was something I looked into

DoraGora · 20/05/2015 19:33

Having done this myself for several children it was something I looked into

You regularly pay school fees for other couples' children? I think I like you.

Can you PM me please.

Want2bSupermum · 20/05/2015 19:58

If the child was mid GCSEs or looking to finish A'Levels my response would be different but for a FIVE year old. Hell no! My father is a multimillionaire and we were at state until 7. Even then one of the few things my parents agree on is that they should have stayed in state school until 11.

I think she should give the school a go. I can't take Ofsted or rankings seriously as it has very little to do with the real quality of teaching that goes on and the support provided at home.

YellowTulips · 20/05/2015 20:32

It's a totally fucking bonkers idea.

The potential for this to go badly wrong are endless (for reasons many posters have already described).

Your DH either hasn't thought this through or there is a subtext to this whole situation you are not aware of.

1Morewineplease · 22/05/2015 20:58

Am now thinking OP is embarassed ... It is not right to fund the private education of a previously non committed relationship's ex's children... Where will it end? Eg I went out with a bloke in 1998 and his wife has left him but his kids' need to go to Eton ... Balderdash!

elizalovelacey · 22/05/2015 22:21

Op, your marriage IS at risk.

snowgirl29 · 23/05/2015 08:09

YNBU! I'd be uneasy too. My DCs currently go to an Inadequate School too. It's a ballache but you grit your teeth and get on with it until something turns up. Wouldn't dream of asking my Ex or even allowing him too. It seems a very odd thing to do unless he still holds a candle to her.

snowgirl29 · 23/05/2015 08:13

'Private School can be a bottomless pit' precisely. Where will the Dependency end? I have a friend who went to Private School and she hated it, "I was sent to Private School without the Private Money" is how she puts it. Sorry if I've missed a post OP but is the Child his? It seems a very strange set up.

1Morewineplease · 24/05/2015 21:14

I'm with icimoi on this.. Where will it end? Will she take the children out of private when your OH stops funding? You are in a very precarious situation and I'm concerned that it will all end in tears.. Where is the father? Or is the private schooling bit just coming from her? Your OH is being unusually generous ( or is he?) birthdate timings seem a bit close!!! Really want to tell you to refuse but somehow I think you've already decided... I wish you well but good luck

LotusLight · 24/05/2015 21:41

Even worse in my case - my ex used the massive divorce settlement I had to give him to pay one girl friend's school fees for a year or two which is even more painful as it was in effect my money..... and he doesn't pay a penny towards his 5 children or their then 5 sets of school fees....

Fanfeckintastic · 24/05/2015 22:26

Completely insane.

yolofish · 28/05/2015 23:13

any update OP?

Trills · 28/05/2015 23:17

You can make a four year old in five years.

My favourite comment.

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