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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to give this child a lift to school

150 replies

Beachday · 15/05/2015 22:33

I've had one conversation with the mum
Say hello to the dad every morning

She's asked me to take their child to school 2 days as a favour.
I don't know the child, neither does ds, they're not in the same year.
I get really anxious and worked up about being late or letting people down.
I will be stressy with my ds to get out on time.
My husband died and I'm a bit up and down emotionally.

It's 2 mornings fgs, how hard can it be?
They seem like nice people

OP posts:

Original poster

Beachday · 15/05/2015 22:34

It's half hour journey btw

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacles · 15/05/2015 22:34

What did you say when she asked?

Two mornings or two mornings a week?

Original poster

Beachday · 15/05/2015 22:37

Just 2 mornings, a one off.
She dropped a note in. I haven't gone back to her

OP posts:

Scholes34 · 15/05/2015 22:38

A lot of times the worry is worse than the reality. You'll probably surprise yourself and all will be well.

itsmeitscathy · 15/05/2015 22:39

as a one off I'd do it - it's nice to be nice and you never know when you'll need a hand. weekly, not so much

Fluffcake · 15/05/2015 22:40

Beach day, sorry for your loss. I'm not surprised you feel emotional

If it is only for two days why not do it, then you know you have a favour banked if you need it. Maybe explain your situation and say that it's unlikely you can commit to other days. Maybe it's the start of a new friendship for you and DC xxx

WorraLiberty · 15/05/2015 22:41

I used to hate being put in that position.

But I have to say, I personally would do it if it's just two mornings.

I would be very careful though to make it clear it's a one off.

Haffdonga · 15/05/2015 22:42

Would two mornings of stress and getting up extra early actually be worth it in exchange for building links with a family that might be able to help you out in return at some point? Or even a new friend?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/05/2015 22:42

If you're unhappy about committing then say no, it doesn't work for you.

A one off is one thing but you don't know if this is the case, don't get into a situation you might regret.

Janethegirl · 15/05/2015 22:43

I'd be very clear that's it not a regular occurrence tho!

Janethegirl · 15/05/2015 22:44

Alternatively no is a complete sentence, it depends on how you feel about it.

DragonsCanHop · 15/05/2015 22:48

I'm really sorry for your loss.

A one off is a favour and who knows when you may need a favour returned. It's also a lovely way to help out and make new friends.

That said, if you don't feel able at this time just be hinest and say no.

Welshmaenad · 15/05/2015 22:50

I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel it's a bit U of this family to be asking favours of you right now.

Only say yes if you want to. If you do choose to say yes (and you would NBU f you said no, it's too much) make it VERY clear its a one off. If they ask again I'd say to definitely say no the second time or it becomes a precedent.

I ended up in a very inconvenient arrangement where I was picking up a child every morning because mum was struggling to get her baby ds up and out of the house to take her to the bus stop - even though my own baby was just a few months older. It was horrendous, she started being very rude to my dd who got really upset and I ended up blowing my stack at the kid one obnoxious morning and calling the whole thing off. The relief was immense.

Other people's schedules are not your concern and you don't have to justify any refusal. "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me" is enough. Please make sure you are kindest to YOURSELF right now.

Mermaidhair · 15/05/2015 22:52

Hi Op, if you don't feel up to doing the drop offs then just say no. I to lost my dh and it is so so hard. Nobody realises or understands unless they have been there. Just because you are a widow doesn't mean you need more friends. I hated how people assumed as i was a widow i must be in need of new friends. I understand everyone is trying to be helpful to the op, but she is saying she doesn't want to do it for a reason. Much love to you. xx

PtolemysNeedle · 15/05/2015 22:53

I'm sorry your husband died Beachday.

If it's a one off and you can practically manage, the try and do it. Although if you do agree to it, you might have to be brave and just get on with it for the sake of doing a kind thing.

But, if you really don't want to do it, then don't. If you're up and down emotionally because you're missing your husband then you need to be kind to yourself, and know that it's ok not to do things you don't feel up to.

Redlocks28 · 15/05/2015 22:55

Why did she specifically send a note to you?!

TigerFeat · 15/05/2015 22:56

If this is something that you know will stress you out, then tread carefully.

I agreed to a similar one-off arrangement once. It led to another, then another and eventually I was taking that child to school everyday. I didn't know the mum well at all initially and I was happy to do a one off favour for her. However it transpired that she had her hands well and truly full (single mum with older children with profound disabilities) and I never felt I could say no after that.

Our mornings were became increasingly stressful as she was (understandably) disorganized and made us late most days. It felt mean and churlish of me to try and get out of it as her situation was so difficult and I was passing her house every day. On top of that, she was so obviously grateful.

It lasted 3 years and was a constant source of morning stress.

DrElizabethPlimpton · 15/05/2015 23:00

Don't do it. A one off or not, it doesn't matter.

gamerchick · 15/05/2015 23:04

Don't do it. People who can ask virtual strangers for this type of favour will end up royally taking the piss.

FriendofBill · 15/05/2015 23:04

Just want to chime in and say follow your intuition, it's there for a reason.

When I dont I always end up paying for it by losing my temper or upsetting someone.
Just say you are sorry but you can't help this time.

Original poster

Beachday · 15/05/2015 23:05

Redlocks- we live in the same road
Sorry, should have made that clear!

It is stressing me out.

I'm also not very good with other peoples kids. My ds is a handful and acts up with other kids.

Just mentioned My husband to explain that I'm more stressed and emotional.

I couldn't really get roped into it long term because the 2 kids will be going at different times next year.
I can't imagine asking them for a favour in return because I don't know them. Wouldn't ever ask them to look after ds.

OP posts:

partialderivative · 15/05/2015 23:05

Do it.

I a sorry about your loss. But this small gesture is a way of moving forward.

imho

Redlocks28 · 15/05/2015 23:11

Ok-that makes more sense. Has she given a reason?

I'd probably do it.

FriendofBill · 15/05/2015 23:15

you clearly don't want to do this. I want to give you permission to not do it. You really don't have to.

If you say, 'sorry, not this time', you leave the door open, but are not roped into something you can't cope with at the moment.

mellicauli · 15/05/2015 23:15

who asks a single parent, recently bereaved, to help out with their domestic arrangements? Doesnt say beginning of a beautiful friendship to me. It says lack of empathy - They should be offering to help you, not adding to your burden. Drop a note back saying sorry, normally you'd be happy to help but given the circumstances you can only really deal with your own family at this time.

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