To not want to give this child a lift to school

[Beachday]

I've had one conversation with the mum
Say hello to the dad every morning

She's asked me to take their child to school 2 days as a favour.
I don't know the child, neither does ds, they're not in the same year.
I get really anxious and worked up about being late or letting people down.
I will be stressy with my ds to get out on time.
My husband died and I'm a bit up and down emotionally.

It's 2 mornings fgs, how hard can it be?
They seem like nice people

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

So pleased the meeting of DH's relatives went well and that DS also enjoyed it.

I'm also shocked about the neighbour's request and so pleased you were able to say no. TBH, I'm not going through anything like what you're going through and I would say no to the request at the moment, so please don't feel bad about it. Lots of people don't have relatives nearby (we've just moved cities and know hardly anyone), I definitely wouldn't ask anyone who's recently been bereaved or that I knew was going through a difficult time.

If it was truly two days as a one off, then you manage in another way; find a childminder, use before/after school clubs, take time off work. If your only resort is to ask a recently bereaved family for help then you really need some sort of robust back up plan for childcare.

Wishing you and your family every blessing for the times ahead and I'm so sorry to hear of your devastating loss

[mathanxiety]

Glad you sent her that note. It was the right thing for you, and don't worry about mentioning your situation. Her family will be ok.

Good to hear you are going to see a counsellor -- it is nice to have someone just to talk to, on your terms.

Be nice to yourself, and don't try to hurry things up. It takes time to get through a loss like yours.

[SilverBirch2015]

Pleased to hear it went well and your DC enjoyed themselves.

Seeing a counsellor is a great idea. It is good to talk to someone who you can feel is not judging you and whom you share the most both small and large thoughts that you just need to say out loud. Close friends and family can be a great support, but the benefit of a counsellor is that they don't feel the need to tell you what to do and will help you find your own way.

[Beachday]

I know lots of siblings get dragged in the school run, but this little girl normally stays at home with mum, so I was just curious. But you're all right, it's not my problem.

Silverbirch, you've described the anxiety very well.
I had a chat with a counsellor this morning, have an appt for friday.

Went to visit the relatives, and they were lovely.
Part of the anxiety about that was that they were staying at a relatives house and I really had no idea how many people would be there.
In the end it was just the couple, their daughter, same age as me, and her son, same age as my ds. And they played together great.

So very glad I went.

[SilverBirch2015]

OP, be kind to yourself.

Although. I've not been through a bereavement with somone as close as you, I do feel some empathy towards how you must be feeling having been through some difficulties myself with other issues.

What is hard for people, without sufficient empathy, to understand is how important your minor everyday routines are to you right now. You can function well if everything happens in the way you expect it to. If something unusual or unpredictable occurs it can make you feel very anxious and panicky about how you will cope, because you are only able to hold it together with the routine. Gradually and slowly it will get easier and some forms of normality will establish themselves.

But you are absolutely right to protect everything to make sure it only provides you and your DS with what you need at the moment.

The visit to this new part of the family sounds like a nice positive opportunity for your son, but keep it as simple as possible for you both. Maybe say you'll pop over for an hour or so. That will give you the opportunity to leave earlier if it feels too much for either of you. Remember also, that the majority of people will understand if sometimes you cannot cope or hold it together.

[Dieu]

oops, only read the first page or two, and I now get the feeling there's more to it. Sorry if I've put my big size 8s in it!

[Dieu]

I would do it and don't see it as a big deal personally. Maybe have a word with your son beforehand about your expectations of behaviour in the car. It's nice to be nice, without necessarily benefiting from it yourself. I am so sorry for your loss, and may lots of good karma come your way x

[lunar1]

Beach,ds2 has been dragged on the school run since he was three months old. It's a 1.6 mile walk each way. He was in the pushchair for almost 3 hours a day. He survived and is now walking it himself.

At no point did I think it was anybody else's responsibility. They have done a horrible thing asking you. They are going your way, if I was them I'd have been knocking on you door the minute I knew what had happened offering to take your son with me for as long as you needed.

[murphys]

Beach, condolences on the loss of your husband. I am sitting here with my jaw open as I just cannot believe what I have read. Firstly, the note. Well, what insensitive people! You just do not do that to someone who has just lost their husband.

You have been put in a position that you should not have been put in. You messaged back (which you didn't even have to) and said how it is. And now because of that, you are feeling awful for seeing dad and the daughter too at the school. Why they are there, doesn't matter. Its not your concern at all OP. I also feel the same when put in a position I don't like, I admit that I hate saying no to people. As you said, if you need help with something some day, you will ask your friends, not some random person. Don't be too surprized if she put notes out on a few doors. What a cheek. I would feel the same as you do Beach. Please try to put this to the back of your mind now, difficult yes, I am sure - through no fault of your own.

to you Beach.

[sugarman]

Don't feel bad. You have been polite and upfront. And I think her reply was ok too. Maybe she has learnt something... I think sometimes people need things spelled out to them.

[Redlocks28]

Most people I see on the school run have younger siblings with them-that's parenthood!

[TheresACatInMeKitchen]

Don't Feel bad OP, plenty of other parents manage the school run with younger siblings in tow.
Their family dynamics are not your concern, you are not in a position to be responsible for getting her child to school and she should never have asked in the first place.

Keep your energy and headspace for yourself and your ds, that's what is important right now.

[formerbabe]

Now I feel really bad

Don't feel bad...they are not your responsibility.

Saw the dad this morning with their little one tagging along- he never normally brings her.

Its no hardship to take your younger child on the school run with you.

Maybe the mum is sick.

Maybe, she could also have a meeting, an appointment or a day at a spa booked? Who knows?! Again, not your problem.

I can't really work it out.

Don't try to my love and don't even give it another moments thought.

[AlternativeTentacles]

Many parents have their other kids tagging along on the school run!

Please don't beat yourself up about it.

[MillionToOneChances]

Not your problem. You have enough problems and you need that quality time with your son.

[oddfodd]

Don't feel bad. Their childcare issues really aren't your problem. Right now, you have a lot of other stuff to worry about.

[Beachday]

Now I feel really bad
Saw the dad this morning with their little one tagging along- he never normally brings her.
Maybe the mum is sick.
I can't really work it out.

[coconutpie]

Glad to hear you told her no OP. I am gobsmacked at the brass neck of that woman though and the other woman at the school - they are clearly trying to take advantage. Talk about nasty pieces of work "hey sorry for your loss but will you drive our kid to school?" Unbelievable. And it's even more insulting when they don't even know you and then had the cheek to write a note! I'm fuming on your behalf actually.

Hope you're ok

[mimishimmi]

I posted this morning within half an hour of waking up because I was so outraged by it and all my tenses are mixed up and ended up sounding like opposite of what I meant. What I did mean is that they should be asking you if you would like them to take your son, not the other way around!

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

Hi OP,

Really sorry you're having to tolerate such breathtaking insensitivity from your neighbour and school parent/rude thoughtless person! (btw I have a solution / idea for her. She can get to school 10 mins earlier!.... Problem solved!)

These are excellent examples of people taking their problems and trying to make them your problem.... Which they most definitely are not!

I am annoyed on your behalf that you're having a whole layer of unecessary anxiety on top of the hideous trauma you've experienced.

To those people saying OP can 'always say no'... Really?? WTF!? Why should you have to justify yourself - you' ve more than enough on your plate!!

I do wonder whether you can almost shame them into backing off..

I'm wondering if something like : (repeated ad nauseum to anyone asking any other outrageous favours...)

'No, I can't do any favours for anyone. (Dont apologise - why should you? ). As you know my husband has recently died so I'm having to prioritise my DC's needs and us, at such a traumatic time. It's what I have to do. ' (-fuck off and find your own transport /child watching arrangements-)

I wonder if something like this would have people backing off?

Please don't feel guilty... It's they who should feel guilty following their shameful behaviour!

[mimishimmi]

sorry... if they need your help in any way...

[mimishimmi]

The usual protocol when someone in the immediate family has passed away is to ask the remaining family if they can help in any way eg ask if you would like them to take your son to the school for a while. Not the other way around. She and the other lady who asked if you'd mind waiting at the school gate with her child until she arrives are definitely trying to take advantage of your vulnerable state (are you on leave?). horrible. I've heard of men trying it on with recently bereaved widows which is bad enough but never other women. Just so low.

Pictish, you're exactly the sort of person who I have sworn off doing these sorts of favours for. Actually, I only offer to do them for someone in a situation similar to the OP's or who has just had a baby etc. One of our neighbours has tried to corral practically the whole street into doing her bsc/asc and wonders why she has to keep finding new suckers for the arrangement.

[Beachday]

I can't really put it off, it's the only evening they have available, they are visiting from New Zealand.
I've just asked ds and he actually seems quite keen, and I've just re-read the emails and they have a grandson similar age to ds, so that could work.

It will only be for an hour, max 2, because I'll have to get ds home to bed.

This side of the family has only just come to light, dh never met them.
So it's a whole new set of cousins for ds, and he loves that idea.
He's friendly with all my cousins children.

[Marvel101]

So sorry to hear about the loss of your husband

If I was in that women's shoes I would not ask you for a favour like this at this time - and certainly not by a note through your door

I would not ask a good friend for a favour like this if her husband has recently passed away - but asking someone you barely know is odd.

[Justusemyname]

Does your son want to go? If not then his wishes come first. I'm sure they'll enjoy seeing your lovely boy but if it causes him distress than they have to miss out.