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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give this child a lift to school

150 replies

Beachday · 15/05/2015 22:33

I've had one conversation with the mum
Say hello to the dad every morning

She's asked me to take their child to school 2 days as a favour.
I don't know the child, neither does ds, they're not in the same year.
I get really anxious and worked up about being late or letting people down.
I will be stressy with my ds to get out on time.
My husband died and I'm a bit up and down emotionally.

It's 2 mornings fgs, how hard can it be?
They seem like nice people

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 15/05/2015 23:23

They didnt even actually ask, just left a note.

I'd just bin it and if they ask if person just say 'not at the moment, no'.

You really dont have to do this.

Loletta · 15/05/2015 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Beachday · 15/05/2015 23:37

Thank you
Good to know I'm not overreacting and being pathetic. This new found stress/anxiety is awful.

Fwiw- she does seem nice. The note also included condolences and to let her know if there's anything they can do.
I'm not quite sure how she knows actually- possibly through school.

OP posts:
SilverBirch2015 · 15/05/2015 23:38

You have the right to not do this favour if you feel stressed and uncomfortable about it.

There is no need to justify this to yourself, but if it makes it easier - your priorities at the moment are your own and your DC's needs. You mentioned that it will cause more stress for you in the mornings, you both don't need that. You could say something like, "I can't help this time, no doubt you can appreciate things are pretty difficult for us at the moment, and I really need to prioritise the needs of my DS".

Alternatively, do it, you might find it will not be as bad as you imagine, and it might help you feel you are getting better at coping if you manage this small challenge.

Either way is fine, but it's ok to do what feels best for YOU.

Straycatblue · 16/05/2015 00:42

.......
The note also included condolences and to let her know if there's anything they can do

So.... they barely know you, post a note through your door, not even a card, not even coming round to express condolences or see if there is anything they can do for you in person....sorry for the recent loss of your husband but can you accommodate our sons travel arrangements???!!!

Totally gobsmacked by the gall of them, OP, you are vulnerable at the moment and I am mad on your behalf.
Dont take their son to school, they are rude and insensitive.
You dont have to explain, you dont even have to respond to the note.
I hope you are ok and please do not waste anymore time stressing over this.

hiddenhome · 16/05/2015 00:46

She's trying it on, particularly as she knows you're bereaved Hmm a one off favour will quickly turn into other favours.

Sorry for your loss.

Do you feel strong enough to say no?

hiddenhome · 16/05/2015 00:49

Oh, and she's not 'nice' if she's doing this to somebody who has just lost her husband. They should be offering to take your dc to school, not the other way round.

Forget 'nice', see 'opportunistic'. Cheeky fecker.

MyOneandYoni · 16/05/2015 00:56

I pay professionals to loo after my kids in the morning.

I wouldn't dream of asking a neighbour to take them on a regular basis.

give her the number of some local childminders...

Aeroflotgirl · 16/05/2015 00:58

The answer woukd be no, the cheeky beggars, asking at a time when you have had a loss. Flowers to you op.

MillionToOneChances · 16/05/2015 01:03

sorry for the recent loss of your husband but can you accommodate our sons travel arrangements???!!!

^ pretty much word for word what I was going to say. She lives in the same street and this is how she expresses her condolences, I think you might be surprised how many other ways you'll be able to help her out in future. In this case trust your instincts and reduce stress for you and your DS.

Mermaidhair · 16/05/2015 05:43

I can't believe people are suggesting the op do it. She has just lost her husband! She is a grieving widow, and now a solo parent. I am amazed that she asked this of you.Flowers I tried to give you these earlier but couldn't work out how to do it on my laptop.

lunar1 · 16/05/2015 06:14

Just re-read the note. Are you sure it doesn't say I'm so sorry for your loss, would it help you if we took your son to school two days?

Because that is the only way they are not complete assholes. I'm so sorry for your loss.

whiteiris · 16/05/2015 06:30

Ignore the note. If she asks in person say no. This favour is too much for you right now.

Branleuse · 16/05/2015 06:31

Say to them that youre not sure as mornings are a massively stressful time, and offer to do one of the lifts abd they find someone else for the other, or tell them that it's such a stressful time for your child at the moment that yiud prefer it if they found someone else but if it was an absolute emergency then youd do it, but please, only as a last resort.

Bartering someone down in situations like that means youre still being vaguely helpful but it shows assertiveness and will make most people not take the piss .

Fairy13 · 16/05/2015 06:42

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You don't have to do anything at all.

TheEggityOddity · 16/05/2015 06:44

Of all the parents and relative, they choose a grieving parent? What? Why?! No OP, I would not do favours for someone who lacked that much empathy. Note back, thanks for your condolences, as you can imagine it is a struggle for DS at moment so I don't think sharing the lift would work for us.

notquitegrownup2 · 16/05/2015 06:45

I agree with others, you have enough on your plate now and I am Shock that she would ask, at this time.

However, I would not ignore the note, in case you then end up with a child on your doorstep expecting a lift - if she's got the cheek to ask at this time, she may well have the cheek to assume that you will agree.

Just pop a note through their door saying thanks for her message but no, it isn't possible for you to give her ds a lift at the moment.

happylittlevegemites · 16/05/2015 07:08

No. Hell no! You are absolutely allowed to do anything right now to avoid life being harder.

I'm another one who thinks the only way the note makes sense is if, actually, it was them offering to take YOUR son to school.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 16/05/2015 07:18

Op, my condolences. I had terrible anxiety after my mum died. Please see your gp if itbecomes too much to cope with.

Please don't worry about this note any more. You don't need this. Pop a note backto say sorry I won't be able to give him lift. End of. I'm shocked at their behaviour

bookbag40 · 16/05/2015 07:36

You really don't need any stress in your life at the moment and you don't have to do this.

I'm still gobsmacked that anyone would have the nerve to send a note saying sorry for your loss - oh and by the way can you do us a favour. It's just so insensitive.
I find it odd that she barely knows you and she is already asking for favours this just smacks of pisstakerness to me.
Be kind to yourself. Just pop a not back saying really sorry but I can't help on this occasion. Don't offer lots of excuses as people often try to find a way round them.

If they are nice they will totally understand and if they are not then you have had a lucky escape.

MythicalKings · 16/05/2015 07:40

I'd do it. She must be desperate to ask. But make it clear it's a one-off.

You never know, you may find she becomes a friend and will help you in times to come.

So sorry for your loss.

RedHelenB · 16/05/2015 07:47

YABU, You are going anyway, you know it won't be a long term thing and you can help someone out. You'll be in the front the kids in the back - let them entertain themselves. Won't be any different to any other day!

Pippa12 · 16/05/2015 07:49

What a strange thing to do??? If you don't feel you can do it id do as pp suggested- note back through door saying after recent events it's not possible right now. I'm very sorry for your loss and its a shame your distant neighbour isn't more thoughtful xxx

DeidreChambersWhatACoincidence · 16/05/2015 07:50

Don't do this. What an insensitive thing to do Shock

I feel quite cross for you that she's given you one thing more to feel stressed about. She hasn't asked you, she's shoved a note through your door. Knowing your circumstances, she actually just wrote a note!? You don't even know her. Jeez, some people!

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 16/05/2015 07:53

I think that's quite unbelievable

I would put a note through their door or text if they left a number and say that, as I'm sure they will understand, things are still very raw for all of you at the moment and you are focussing on giving your DC all the support you can (not providing favours for neighbours who don't even have the courtesy to ask you face to face)