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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give this child a lift to school

150 replies

Beachday · 15/05/2015 22:33

I've had one conversation with the mum
Say hello to the dad every morning

She's asked me to take their child to school 2 days as a favour.
I don't know the child, neither does ds, they're not in the same year.
I get really anxious and worked up about being late or letting people down.
I will be stressy with my ds to get out on time.
My husband died and I'm a bit up and down emotionally.

It's 2 mornings fgs, how hard can it be?
They seem like nice people

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/05/2015 20:47

I would actually drop a note back.

"sorry but I'm struggling with everyday things, I can't cope with the extra stress of taking an extra child in the mornings"

Reddragon116 · 16/05/2015 20:48

Common Pictish - tell us to suck it up and what crap neighbours we are being.

Justusemyname · 16/05/2015 20:49

You don't want to do it so don't. Even without your recent loss you would not be unreasonable to say no. If she was going to be a friend after a school run favour then why not without the favour asked?

Wittynewnameifonly · 16/05/2015 20:54

I feel for you. In other circumstances I would say it's only two days however in your circumstances you are perfectly entitled to say no without any guilt.

It was a horribly insensitive note of them to send with a PS after the favour request.

Just pop a note back saying "Sorry I don't feel able to commit to anything at the moment so won't be able to help on this occasion. Beachday.

Wittynewnameifonly · 16/05/2015 20:56

Cross posted randommess's note is better than mine.

FrankTurnersGuitar · 16/05/2015 20:58

Beach day, say no and please don't feel bad about it.
I'm so sorry your husband has died Flowers
When my husband died getting my three off to school was an achievement, I had friends who helped. I certainly wouldn't have been able to have the responsibility of another child.
Send me a message if you want to talk.
Be kind to yourself.

Gwlondon · 16/05/2015 21:02

Say no and don't feel bad. You don't need to do things for other people you need to look after yourself. I am
Very sorry for your loss.

Cherrychocolate · 16/05/2015 21:05

I really feel for you OP. I can't imagine what you are going through. If you were my neighbour I would be offering to take your child to school for you, not asking you to take mine. They are so selfish. Please don't worry about this, you have enough on your plate. Send a note back saying ' sorry, but I can't do it at the moment, I hope you understand that things are difficult for me right now' and don't give it another thought.

Focus on getting yourself and your child/children through this awful time, and forget these idiots, they really don't matter. Take care x

Cocolepew · 16/05/2015 21:10

How insensitive, say no and think no more about it.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

Cocolepew · 16/05/2015 21:10

Actually dont say no, write a note. That seems to be the done thing.

sugarman · 16/05/2015 21:11

Goodness, I think the note was vey blunt and insensitive.

I would post one through her door saying I am sorry I can't help you with the rides, this is a difficult time.

So sorry for your loss and other people's insensitivity

ICUB4UCMe · 16/05/2015 21:11

OP, I am so sorry about your DH Thanks

I would write a simple short note.

Dear xxxx, just to let you know that I won't be able to give your DC a lift. Hope you manage to sort something else out.

eddielizzard · 16/05/2015 21:20

so so sorry.

absolutely don't do it. you don't have to explain. just the thought is causing you stress and that is enough.

wording: 'sorry to hear you're struggling with school drop off. i'm afraid i can't help as i am overwhelmed at the moment. i hope you manage to sort something out.'

ChasedByBees · 16/05/2015 21:45

So very very insensitive of them. I agree with dropping a note round saying no and thinking no more about it. So sorry for your loss Flowers

jerryfudd · 17/05/2015 12:41

So sorry to hear of your loss.

I agree with most people on here. Her note was insensitive at best and at worst calculating - trying to manipulate you early at a vulnerable time into being her lackie.

Send a note similar to those above along lines of "sorry, no Can do. Things are difficult at the moment".

Do not feel guilty. Worst that can happen is they will be offended. So what, she doesn't sound like a friend you need in your life.

saffronwblue · 17/05/2015 12:52

Is there anything they can do?!! How about don't ask for favours that stress the OP out.

newstart15 · 17/05/2015 13:11

I so sorry for your loss.I think the neighbour has put you in new awful situation. Maybe she is desparate and that is causing her to be self absorbed but really she should be asking if they can take your son to school..not the other way round.

You are not being rude to refuse.I understand what you are going though but perhaps those who haven't had a major loss don't realise. It takes somewhere between 2-4 years to get through this so don't put yourself under pressure.

NynaevesSister · 17/05/2015 14:07

Just drop a note back. Thank them for their condolences, their kind words meant a lot. You wish you could help out but as they will appreciate, these are emotionally fragile times for both you and DS and there are days when one or both of you are just not up to any extra company. You just never know how you are going to feel until that day, so they would be better off asking someone who has the capacity to commit to taking their children in. You'd hate to say yes and then have to cancel at the last moment.

londonrach · 17/05/2015 14:22

Like random's note back. Yanbu op. Cant believe someone would even do that! Didnt they think. Really sorry for your loss Flowers

Justusemyname · 17/05/2015 15:34

I wouldn't be thanking them for their "kind words" as they came as a bribe to do lifts imo.

Original poster
Beachday · 17/05/2015 17:20

So I text her and said I'm sorry I couldn't do it
I'm suffering with anxiety, hope she understands were a bit fragile

She responded saying of course, completely understands, let them know if they can do anything.

Not happy I've had to tell a complete stranger about my anxiety, but never mind

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/05/2015 17:23

Sometimes the first step is being more open about how tough you're finding things though?

Is there anything they could do to help? Would it help if in the mornings they called for you and you walked up to school together to have another adult for you and ds to bounce off?

It's horrid to ask and be knocked back but perhaps being more open/honest about where you are at the moment could be the better way forward in coping?

Hugs & Flowers & well done in saying "No"

Original poster
Beachday · 17/05/2015 17:42

Right now what helps is our routine.

Just me and ds, calm and being able to talk.

The school is 25 min drive.
Thats actually quality time for us.

Tomorrow I have to go and meet some long lost relative of dh.
Stressing about whether to take ds, he's not the calmest of children, but they really want to see him. But the thought of going to someone else's house is stressing me out

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/05/2015 17:45

Sorry forgot it was a drive away!

TBH the thought of going to someone I don't know when I'm feeling vulnerable and taking a full on dc with me would stress me out too...

Can they not come to you or meet mid way at a child friendly venue if they are so desperate to see him?

Flowers
nickersinaknot · 17/05/2015 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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