To not want to give this child a lift to school

[Beachday]

I've had one conversation with the mum
Say hello to the dad every morning

She's asked me to take their child to school 2 days as a favour.
I don't know the child, neither does ds, they're not in the same year.
I get really anxious and worked up about being late or letting people down.
I will be stressy with my ds to get out on time.
My husband died and I'm a bit up and down emotionally.

It's 2 mornings fgs, how hard can it be?
They seem like nice people

[formerbabe]

Op...do not spend anymore time worrying about this issue. Asking you for help is completely shameful behaviour...It doesn't even deserve a response. Ignore any posters who say she may become a friend in the future...I highly doubt it judging by her behaviour so far. Just think, out of all her family, friends and acquaintances she could have asked, she decided to ask a recently bereaved widow with two children of her own to care for...disgraceful.

Op...Please look after yourself xx

[FenellaFellorick]

Actually, I think that is really shitty of her.

Sorry your husband passed away, btw can my kids have a lift to school.

My god. That's revolting.

I am sorry for your loss, Beachday. I don't think any normal, reasonable person with an ounce of heart would blame you for saying no to a note like that.

[FenellaFellorick]

x post. Can you give my kids a lift, ps sorry about your husband. That's even bloody worse!

[PHANTOMnamechanger]

I am sorry for your loss OP, that must be so hard. I hope you have a good support network in RL. Be gentle on yourself.

Now, as for the lift, do not do it. These type of people are users. It will become just one more time, as you're going that way anyway and they will never reciprocate or show any genuine gratitude.

The way she worded the note was basically -
"hi please do us this favour even though you dont know us, oh yeah, sorry about your dh by the way and erm, ask if theres anything we can do we are only saying that bit because its polite, please don't ever ask us for any help as we have such busy lives "

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

Oh my! How amazing...

Please understand OP :

Please ignore her request....i wouldn't usually recommend this... But her request is beyond appalling...

Please continue to do whatever is working best for you and your family. I don't think people like this in any way deserve your friendship!

I am so sorry for your loss - I really hope the future is improving!

[pictish]

I think people are making way to much out of a simple one-off request here. She's a neighbour looking for a favour from someone who she knows is going to the school anyway. I don't think it was rude of her to ask for an isolated good turn, even if there has been a recent bereavement in the family.

No ideas what all the outrage is for.

[pictish]

P.s I'd say yes...no problem.

[PHANTOMnamechanger]

the thing is, whatever the emergency that means they need cover for the school run, they must have other options - they could leave early and drop the child at a friend or relatives house, or get someone they know well to do a detour and pick their kid up on their own way to school/work, or they could try to find a childminder with a space and pay them as a one off.

It is not OK to approach a virtual stranger who you know is recently bereaved - they did not even have the balls to do it in person, thats how cheeky they know they are being! OP, you must be a lovely person to even consider AIBU to say no. Not U at all. Them - VVVVVVU!

[ItsAllKickingOffPru]

It's possibly a bit clumsy, but not the most heinous note she could have written.

beach day, say no if you feel you can't do it.

[PHANTOMnamechanger]

pictish, it's hardly just a "bereavment in the family" is it?

what about when this isolated one-off favour becomes expected more often, at short notice, when they realise OP is going that way anyway so why should she not take their DC for them everyday

[pictish]

Well you would deal with that IF it happens. Calm down.
It's a one off request - they must be in a jam to have to ask.

[pictish]

Honestly - if I in a pickle where I couldn't get my child to school for two days one week as a one off, I don't think asking a neighbour I was on nodding terms with who had a child at the same school to give them a lift would be something terrible to do.
No - I'm not seeing the big hoohaa at all.

[pictish]

I don't think it's awful to ask and neither would I think it awful to be asked.
Some of you lot are prickly creatures indeed.

[Momagain1]

they must have other options

No, they must not. Some of us dont have relatives nearby, or that many friends, yet, or possibly no one who can help without having to come from an unreasonavle distance. If I was in the position of asking someone I barely knew, just because they were close and going that direction and we had spoken once, I would actually be somewhat desperate. It would be a clitching at straws before giving up whatever opportunity those two mornings represent.

But, OP, you could still say no, to me. If may be that whatever those two days were for me, they just can't happen. i probably didnt really think you were going to agree anyway.

[PHANTOMnamechanger]

But OP is in a very vulnerable state. How many threads on here have there been where it's about "giving them an inch and they want to take a mile", people finding themselves in situations they can't easily back out of without causing a fuss. If she says yes now, then she IS risking it becoming more of a "thing". She is perfectly at liberty to say no, without having to justify herself to them or people on the internet!

[SuburbanRhonda]

Honestly - if I in a pickle where I couldn't get my child to school for two days one week as a one off, I don't think asking a neighbour I was on nodding terms with who had a child at the same school to give them a lift would be something terrible to do.
No - I'm not seeing the big hoohaa at all.

You seem to have missed out the defining feature of this scenario - the fact that the OP's husband has recently died and the neighbour knows that.

In the imaginary scenario you describe I imagine most of us would help out, but that's not what we've got here

[Reddragon116]

I was widowed with 4 kids - I could barely function and my anxiety was through the roof and I am a senior manager in a very responsible job so hardly a wall flower on a normal basis- for the recent death of a spouse to be taken so lightly by the neighbor and a few on here is abhorrent. She could arrange a taxi or any number of bloody solutions - and I really wouldn't give a flying fuck if they have 'no other options' so bloody what that's not the Op's problem. The fake condolences at the bottom show what kind of people they are - looks like there are a few of you who would write the same shit to meet your own ends.

[hiddenhome]

pictish you have not got a clue.

Do you actually know how bad you feel after losing a spouse? It actually makes you feel physically and emotionally ill. You can barely manage to get through the next hour at times, let alone having to take responsibility for some stranger's kid. You feel as though you'll snap in half if anyone puts any unwanted responsibility on to you. You're fraying at the seams. Bereavement isn't how it appears on Eastenders, where they're over it in a couple of weeks after a few tears

One offs turn into two offs then three offs, then a regular occurrence. These users stagger from one crisis to another and, if they manage to recruit a convenient sucker, they're made.

[Beachday]

I don't have close family around, but if I was stuck I wouldn't ask them, simply because I don't know them and they dont know ds. Much more likely to ask one of ds's school friends mums.

It's funny, at first lots of people said " if there's anything we can do", but now when my family have gone, no-one is offering.
I even had a mum just yesterday asking what days I could keep an eye on her ds because she's always 10 minutes late.
I spent half an hour crying before pick up yesterday, I didnt want to talk to anyone. Just a bad day.

People just don't think
And some people don't know he's to say, I understand that.

[SuburbanRhonda]

At times like this, OP, you must feel you need one of those cards carried out by non-verbal children: "I'm not talking to anyone today."

[iwaly]

I am very sorry for your loss OP.

Giving the benefit of the doubt, I can only imagine that your neighbour does not realise how hard it is for you to take someone to school, even as a one off.

Also they might not appreciate that the note they have sent is so insensitive. People often struggle to know how to express their condolences. They aren't all "revolting" people, they just do not understand - especially if you are putting on a brave front.

I do agree with everyone who says the note was totally inappropriate. Totally. But I think that jumping to the conclusion that this person is going to start asking you again on a regular basis or is an appalling person generally is a conclusion too far. It may simply be a very clumsy insensitive request.

Of course this does not mean you need to do them this favour. Not at all. I would just say/write/text something like "I am really sorry but I cannot help at the moment. I hope you understand."

[hiddenhome]

I dunno what's going through people's minds when they're asking for these favours

Bloody insensitive users.

[hiddenhome]

Of course, they'll keep asking on a regular basis. The Neighbour has demonstrated she's a selfish, using sod by sending that note. Wtf was going through her mind? She'll keep doing it, she knows the OP is fair game because she's vulnerable. Some people don't care who they use.

They didn't even go round and ask face to face. Putting a damn note through the door is horrible. Selfish and horrible.