MIL interfering with special diet for my son

[auntynan]

Hey y'all

Am I Being unreasonable about the following:

My wee boy is 2 years and 2 months and has no words yet. He is being assessed by a paediatrician and I like to try and get him all the help i can and research things and do as much for him as is humanly possible but this post isn't about that. It's about my partners mother...

I thought I would try him on a gluten free casein free diet for a while just to see how it goes and if it affects his behaviour and concentration, possibly his speech. I am well aware it may not, but i know people whose kids it has worked for.

Anyway I made his food up specially for my MIL and gave her gluten free shortbread for him and asked if she could give me the space to try this out with DC and she agreed before she took him away (she has him when i am working some days).

Anyway I came home to my (already sceptical and with his head usually buried in the sand) partner who had tears in his eyes saying that his mum had given him a packet of 'teddy spongecakes' as 'she had been told by me she wasn't allowed to give them to my son' and 'could he use them up'.

Is it just me or is she shit-stirring? I feel so angry I can't even begin. this is not the first time she has caused conflict between me and my partner (other time was when she insisted my SIL had my 7 MONTH OLD overnight despite me crying myself to sleep alone -I know this was weak of me and i have since refused this happening again but at the time i felt afraid to stand up to my partner about it).

Anyway, i just need to know I'm not being OTT. This is about my sons health NOT her being all wounded because she cant give him the shitty snacks she wanted to.

GOD I AM ANGRY. I could F*ING slap her stupid face.

Rant over. ;)

OP, you can ask MN to move this topics to relationships if you'd like, or I'm very happy to ask them for you. Just click 'report' on your OP and say please move to relationships.

Lots of great advice here.

And just to second the poster who mentioned nursery rhymes and singing and a providing running commentary - it can be bloody exhausting (if I have to sing Twinkle Twinkle one more time...) but it has helped. We read the same book over and over until she remembered words (The Gruffalo is stencilled on my memory).

As my daughter got a bit older the speech and language therapist helped me to understand how to ask questions and how to listen (I know should have had those skills already but it turned out I was a bit rubbish at both!) and lots and lots of praise every time she says something (did I mention it was exhausting?!). It has all helped. Now I can't get a word in!

It can feel very dark and overwhelming when you are worried about your child. I have been there (and am still there occasionally) but you obviously love him and will battle for him and thats everything.
Mumsnet can be an immense support.
x

I did hanen course run by SALT for dd, more than words it is called you can get the books, but they are very dear. Excellent course, I am doing it on ds.

I feel bad saying I have been hit, as I would imagine its nothing compared to what some women go through. He has thumped me on the arms a few times when he has been in a rage and he has shoved me and squeezed my arms until they have been bruised. never on the face though. I guess arm-thumps sometimes don't feel like battery and I don't bruise easily.

However when I was pregnant with my first child (whom I lost at quite a late stage) he did hit me with a wooden canvas I had painted for him on the back). he completely denies it happened though its bizarre. It definitely did - he broke the skin on my back through 3 layers of clothing.

Please don't minimise. He's hit you more than once. And he can't be in such a rage to be careful not to do it on a part of your body that people can see. He truly is a bastard (and all the more so because he's in a job where he works with vulnerable people who need protection - rather than improving any Karma he may think he has, that merely makes him a hypocritical bastard).

He'll hit you again, And again. And harder. It won't ever stop unless you get away from him and report his violence. If a stranger did these things to you, you wouldn't let it go. Don't let him get away with it, either. He's the person who is supposed to love you and cherish you. Not beat you black and blue and berate you for upsetting his mummy.

OP - if you cant get through to WA by phone, and cant ring them from home, they have an email address. The site says they can only give limited info by email, but maybe you could use it to arrange a time you can safely ring them, or receive a call from them [email protected]

Good luck! You sound like a very worried, but very caring mother. I hope you and your son are soon somewhere safe and happy.

Agree, you can post on relationships about advice on how to get out and make a better life away from this man with your son. Good luck. X

The Relationships board may or may not be helpful. But Women's Aid can certainly help. So please do find a way to contact them. Saskia has an excellent suggestion to email them if you can't phone right away. I would make phoning an absolute priority as soon as you can though.

Everything you describe counts as "proper" abuse, IYSWIM.

What he's doing is wrong. Don't start down the road of 'some women have it worse'; where would you draw the line? As long as you're not dead, there will always be someone worse off.

Baby talk is by Sally Watd
Second Hanen More than words (ASC slant) or It takes two to talk' (language delay slant)

There is some really good information and useful resources on The Communication Trust website including some nice video clips about how to help develop speech and language skills at different ages. Lots of their publications can be downloaded for free and it is all good evidence-based stuff.

www.thecommunicationtrust.org.uk/resources/

Also OP, before buying in private therapy, it might be worth contacting your local speech and language therapy service as it is unusual to not accept referrals until 3 and most services allow parents to self-refer anyway.

You're not going to want to hear this, but getting your son and yourself out of this toxic environment where you are being emotionally and physically abused is far more likely to help bring on his language skills than any special exclusion diets.

I agree nocool unfortunately, the diet is the least of your worries. I agree, once your home is happier and calmer without this abuse in it, your ds speech could improve.

It's not either/or.

The op has asked for advice. The answers are not contradictory.
I suspect that focussing on her child is going to help her in many ways and being dismissive or a diet which has helped lots of children and feels to her like something positive she can do at a time when she is feeling overwhelmed, isn't especially helpful.

I think everything she can do to get a greater sense of control will help her in every area including seeing her relationship for what it is.

Nan it sounds like a really difficult situation and I agree with others than the best thing youcould do for your child is get him out of a place where he witnesses his mother being subjected to physical and verbal abuse.

Try not to panic about his speech. There may be a problem and if so you will get help for him. There may not be a problem, one of mine was refeered to speech therapist and another one had speech delay but I didn't go to speech therapy. They both have first class honours degrees and do professional jobs now so it can work out fine but no one on here can predict how it will go but I am sure you will help him and it will work out.

Your problem really is your husband not his mother. Remember she has been subject to domestic abuse for a long time so try to ignore her behaviour. Pity her that she didn't get out of the situation long ago.

Good luck with it all and stay strong you obviously love your little boy very much and if you can't do this for yourself I am sure you will do it for him.x

any real reason you are cutting out a vast amount of stuff from a toddler's diet, or are you just hoping he'll shout "give me a decent meal, for the love of all that is holy!"

FFS. Gluten can be really damaging.

Yes. And if gluten and dairy is a 'vast' proportion of your diet, you have a really shit diet.

People seem to equate cutting out gluten with full-blown Atkins.

My DD has no 'diagnosis' but could hardly straighten up to get out of bed after sneaking a few cakes at a party while I drank wine and didn't notice last weekend.

Stick with the diet op, a relative of mine was actually on a gluten/ dairy free diet to control excema pre autism diagnosis, he had a little speech at that point.

He was then taken off the diet and with hindsight that is when the behaviours started and all speech was lost. (( a long time ago so unaware of diet then ))

Im probably wrong, maybe it was bound to happen anyway but it's a pity we can't go back in time and at least give it a try.

cutting out all gluten at an early age when there has been no actual diagnosis can change the way a child's gut reacts to gluten forever.

so although gluten can be damaging, so can cutting it out.

The op isn't trying it because she worries he is spending too much time at the Cereal Cafe . She has huge concerns about his speech and she thinks this may help as it has with other children, most of whom are not coeliac so there is no test she can wait for.

OP really sorry about your relationship issues

Your sons diet is all I feel competent to comment on - good for you! There's a good book called GAPS or gut and psychology syndrome by Natasha McBride which explains some of the science behind why some children respond very well to the GFCF diet, I think grain brain by someone else forgot who may follow a similar theme but Iv only read the former.

I really can't see the problem some have with removing heavily processed food from a child's diet even without medical advice, unless they're just too lazy to cook proper nutritious meals and have no common sense to ensure enough real vitamins etc are provided instead of synthetic ones added to processed food.

We seem to have got into a culture where people are utterly daft with their diets. My son follows a close to paleo diet, we do have days here and there where we cheat and he has the odd bit of junk - but that's because I know he's not "allergic" he's simply intolerant and I don't want him to become actually allergic because he's not ever exposed to gluten. However I do notice a huge difference in his alertness and speech and behaviour actually when he's been exposed to it, it's like he's had several too many! Plus he gets constipated when he's very regular otherwise, I did go to the GP when he was a baby about it and was offered a laxative medication to use daily. It just didn't make sense to medicate him everyday so he could eat crap.

So from a medical opinion - no allergy
From a mothers opinion - he doesn't tolerate it brilliantly

My son actually gained weight when I removed it and seems to absorb nutrients better now as he's a healthy energetic chunk. We also found probiotics quite helpful and if you have friends who are in the GFCF circle of mothers, you've likely heard about using them but if not - have a read of the GAPS book and form your own opinion.

It's not like anyone would keep to it if it didn't improve things for their child anyhow

SomewhereIBelong my DD has 'no diagnosis' (negative coealiac test). But I'm not going to keep feeding her something that makes her so uncomfy.

Gluten is not a food group. There is no danger from cutting it out, as long as a balanced diet is still maintained. Cutting out gluten and dairy has helped a large number of children. My dd1 is one of them. She was non-verbal, with limited social contact, no pain response and no temperature recognition (amongst other things) before we changed her diet when she was 2. It remains the single biggest thing we have done for her, and completely changed her life. She is 10 now, very verbal, and while she still has learning difficulties and autism, she has come so very far.

There is a test which could help,to highlight whether a Gfcf diet could be beneficial. It used to be the Sunderland test, but I know the research base moved years ago, and I can never ember what it is called now. ESPA springs to mind but I will try to look it up.

Researching, and trialling a non-invasive and not harmful dietary change which has been reported to help children with issues similar to those your own child is facing is not meddling or dangerous.

OP, I hope you manage to find a way through all this. You are trying your best, in very difficult circumstances.

Oh yes, GAPS book is very interesting, although full-on GAPS diet can be very intimidating. I agree no one would stick to it if there was no improvement seen. And also agree re: why medicate to carry on eating junk and crap.

Taking out over processed, gluten heavy foods is not a weirdy, off-the-wall concept.

Yes pandas I found the diet too intimidating though I did consider it, but I found we had enough gains with just eliminating a few things rather than a "gut healing" diet thankfully. The science behind it all blew my mind though and was incredibly interesting