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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL interfering with special diet for my son

216 replies

auntynan · 14/05/2015 13:32

Hey y'all

Am I Being unreasonable about the following:

My wee boy is 2 years and 2 months and has no words yet. He is being assessed by a paediatrician and I like to try and get him all the help i can and research things and do as much for him as is humanly possible but this post isn't about that. It's about my partners mother...

I thought I would try him on a gluten free casein free diet for a while just to see how it goes and if it affects his behaviour and concentration, possibly his speech. I am well aware it may not, but i know people whose kids it has worked for.

Anyway I made his food up specially for my MIL and gave her gluten free shortbread for him and asked if she could give me the space to try this out with DC and she agreed before she took him away (she has him when i am working some days).

Anyway I came home to my (already sceptical and with his head usually buried in the sand) partner who had tears in his eyes saying that his mum had given him a packet of 'teddy spongecakes' as 'she had been told by me she wasn't allowed to give them to my son' and 'could he use them up'.

Is it just me or is she shit-stirring? I feel so angry I can't even begin. this is not the first time she has caused conflict between me and my partner (other time was when she insisted my SIL had my 7 MONTH OLD overnight despite me crying myself to sleep alone -I know this was weak of me and i have since refused this happening again but at the time i felt afraid to stand up to my partner about it).

Anyway, i just need to know I'm not being OTT. This is about my sons health NOT her being all wounded because she cant give him the shitty snacks she wanted to.

GOD I AM ANGRY. I could F*ING slap her stupid face.

Rant over. ;)

OP posts:
hedgehogsdontbite · 14/05/2015 14:42

It's also because abusers are experts at not taking responsibilty for their actions. It's never their fault.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2015 14:43

I don't know if gluten and dairy will hurt your child. I do know that growing up in an abusive home will. You need to get some help. Call Women's Aid.

AyeAmarok · 14/05/2015 14:46

I have had depression really badly and been to the doctors tonnes for different medications lately

I strongly suspect that your depression will dissappear as soon as you leave your partner.

Post on the relationships board, the wonderful women will support you through every step.

MummyLuce · 14/05/2015 14:47

I don't think MIL is unreasonable at all! You asked her to only give DS the special diet,so she did as she was told. That is all.

Your partner, on the other hand, sounds bat shit.

If there are tensions between you and DP, then you need to sort it out. But if your MIL only had to give your partner a packet of sponge teddies to cause him to cry and you to want to slap her stupid fucking face, then both you and your partner have issues.

Obviously you have historical issues with MIL. Pay for childcare I think, to stop any future scenes.

Hope your son is okay Flowers

ouryve · 14/05/2015 14:47

Sadly, nan, as others have alluded to, your situation is far from unique. Even in a good relationship, it often ends up falling on one person to do all the appointment chasing, research, paperwork and so on when there are concerns about a child. In a good relationship, there's usually at least some support coming from the less involved party. Unfortunately, there's so many relationships where the situation with the child exposes the cracks in the relationship or gets used as ammunition by an abusive partner. There's an awful lot of people over on the SN boards who have been where you are and come out of the other side.

BubGal13 · 14/05/2015 14:49

Auntynana your original post didn't read as anything too outrageous on your MIL's side but then reading through- and picturing MIL as a real do-gooder/meddler always having her say type person, again not just accepting the situation with minimal fuss but having to have a (small) dig with the biscuits, I can see why given all you are going through and her attitude this would make you angry/upset.

Can you download a Dictaphone type app onto your phone, just leave it recording/lying far out of sigh in the room when you and DP are there so it records an argument and his aggressive reaction to you as evidence that would make you feel more secure? Please try to get help as you sound so unhappy.

SuburbanRhonda · 14/05/2015 14:49

Not really the point, but OP, when he does start to talk, I would be using proper words when talking to him - not "drinkie" and "beddy".

DazzleU · 14/05/2015 14:49

She seems to like it when my oh gives me shit over something that has upset her. that's just what she is like.

Been there - it's not nice but we had a strong relationship and my DH listened to me as well as his mother - we talked things through not resorting to shouting and fists.

Your DP is letting her cause problem or more likely using any excuse to undermine you.

Marynary · 14/05/2015 14:49

At the beginning of the post I thought you were going to say that your MIL had ignored your wishes and gave your DS gluten. However all she did was give them to your DH. His reaction was over dramatic but your MIL has done nothing wrong (in this instance anyway). You are focusing your anger on the wrong person.

FromSeaToShining · 14/05/2015 14:53

It does sound as though you are displacing your real issues onto your MIL. Honestly, she is the least of your concerns.

I know how difficult it can be to escape an abusive relationship. An older relative of mine stayed with her horrifically abusive husband for 25 years, despite the entire family begging her to leave him.

You owe it to your child and to yourself to get away from this man. Please seek out practical help IRL.

Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 14:59

He had tears in his eyes because he really loves his mum and felt badly that she couldn't give him the teddy bear sponges.

I actually just laughed as i typed that but at the time I was scared as it felt like he was building up to another fit of rage.

it makes sense though - his Dad was abusive to his mother. I wonder if its what he is used to seeing.

Anyway, sorry for posting this on the wrong board - I didn't mean to get het up.

I'm new to Mumsnet so don't really know what I am doing yet.

Just want to say thanks in particular to all the mothers of kids with developmental delays. I can't tell you the affinity and kindness I feel for you all.

N x

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2015 15:01

So what are you going to do, N? Because this situation can't carry on.

Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 15:02

Bubgal13 - I did record a conversation I had with him about him hitting me after it had happened so I don't know if that would count?

He usually flies into a rage randomly, the other night it was because I was looking at Deliciously Ella making a smoothie on youtube. Apparently its because I could be doing other more productive things.

I need to be more present when it happens and record him properly.

OP posts:
OnHerMajestysSecretCervix · 14/05/2015 15:03

Not sure if this has been pointed out yet but I think OP has used her DS' real name in the OP.

Just in case you might want to get it edited.

Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 15:04

suburbanrhonda - you are right I find it SO hard to do though when I look at his cute face! My bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 15:05

yes I did, but I don't know how to edit it out? Can you edit past posts? Yeah if he read this he would know it was me. :(

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2015 15:07

I've reported the post so MN can edit your DS's name out of the OP. I hope that was OK.

OnHerMajestysSecretCervix · 14/05/2015 15:08

I think you will need to report your post and ask MNHQ (mods) to edit it for you.

Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be able to tell you how. Sorry Blush

GloGirl · 14/05/2015 15:08

Nan, I will let mumsnet know so they can remove your son's name.

Withoutquestion the best thing you can do for your son and his health and well being is to get out of your relationship as quickly as possible.

OnHerMajestysSecretCervix · 14/05/2015 15:09

Crosspost MrsTerry. Didn't even think of that!

AGirlCalledBoB · 14/05/2015 15:10

Ah ok so now it makes sense. You were scared your oh would hit you because his mother could not do something for your son. I can see how you are trying to blame your mil but that is not her fault unless she knowingly knows that her son would hit you once he knew about the snacks. Does she know he is abusive? If she was hit herself then I would bet she would not be impressed with her son.

You are really looking to blame the wrong person, don't you see that the circle will continue. Your poor sweet boy will grow up thinking its ok to be abusive.

Post on relationships and you will get a lot more advice on getting the hell away from your partner

TheClacksAreDown · 14/05/2015 15:10

Op you've had a rought introduction to Mumsnet but I can see how it happened as .

If you go through the relationship board you'll come across many women who felt like you - they didn't they think they could leave an abusive relationship for fear of losing their children to their abusive partner. And you know what - I've never read one where this actually happened. And many of those husbands were those viewed as liked/respected by all.

I would strongly urge you to post on the relationships board about your relationship with your husband - this will help you build strength, learn from the experience of others and help you decide clearly how you want to take this forward and the support you can get to do so.

Separately I would suggest you post on the relevant sub-boards about your son's issues to get support on the issues he is facing.

Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 15:11

MrsTerryPratchett - im away to phone womans aid. I'm at work but my boss is away so perfect time (nobody else here)

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/05/2015 15:12

Yes you can. Go to your original OP and on the right at the top of the post there is a report button.
Hit that and then ask MN to take out the name you have mentioned in your OP. They will action it.

And... his Dad was abusive to his mother
This is the cycle of abuse. This is what your DS will turn into.
This is what he is learning about relationships. This is what YOU are teaching him.
It is normal to hit the woman to shout and abuse the woman and expect her to be doing other more productive things and the woman is OK with it and will put up with this as it's just 'normal' to them.

The best lesson you can teach your DS right now is to leave. Show him that this is NOT normal. It's NOT OK to treat women like this. Women do NOT have to put with it.
That's what he needs to learn. Certainly not what he is learning now.

Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 15:12

I would be really grateful if someone could tell me how to take his name off though? that was dumb.

OP posts:
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