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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL interfering with special diet for my son

216 replies

auntynan · 14/05/2015 13:32

Hey y'all

Am I Being unreasonable about the following:

My wee boy is 2 years and 2 months and has no words yet. He is being assessed by a paediatrician and I like to try and get him all the help i can and research things and do as much for him as is humanly possible but this post isn't about that. It's about my partners mother...

I thought I would try him on a gluten free casein free diet for a while just to see how it goes and if it affects his behaviour and concentration, possibly his speech. I am well aware it may not, but i know people whose kids it has worked for.

Anyway I made his food up specially for my MIL and gave her gluten free shortbread for him and asked if she could give me the space to try this out with DC and she agreed before she took him away (she has him when i am working some days).

Anyway I came home to my (already sceptical and with his head usually buried in the sand) partner who had tears in his eyes saying that his mum had given him a packet of 'teddy spongecakes' as 'she had been told by me she wasn't allowed to give them to my son' and 'could he use them up'.

Is it just me or is she shit-stirring? I feel so angry I can't even begin. this is not the first time she has caused conflict between me and my partner (other time was when she insisted my SIL had my 7 MONTH OLD overnight despite me crying myself to sleep alone -I know this was weak of me and i have since refused this happening again but at the time i felt afraid to stand up to my partner about it).

Anyway, i just need to know I'm not being OTT. This is about my sons health NOT her being all wounded because she cant give him the shitty snacks she wanted to.

GOD I AM ANGRY. I could F*ING slap her stupid face.

Rant over. ;)

OP posts:
MissDuke · 14/05/2015 14:28

I don't understand - you are still focussing on the mil. Yet I think you are saying your partner is physically violent towards you? The mil is the least of your worries. Does mil know he hits you?

I realise he has power over you and his occupation doesn't help. However you need to think of your son - surely the things happening in his home couldn't be helping his development? Does he hit your son too? You need an exit plan op. Is there anyone you could trust to talk to? You absolutely must ring women's aid and talk it over with them.

ouryve · 14/05/2015 14:28

X-post - your last post answered my question Flowers

SanityClause · 14/05/2015 14:28

OP it's possible that you little boy isn't speaking because he's growing up in an atmosphere of fear.

I thought this seemed so sensible, it was worth quoting, so people would see it in bold!

DazzleU · 14/05/2015 14:29

I have found one of my DC to have a bad reaction to a certain food around weaning age.

MIL made huge song and dance about avoid it - pretty easy thing to do - while going to great lengths to accommodated a friends DC supposed bad reaction to a very hard to avoid food - which to me sounded very woo and not based on actual facts and within a short times was never mentioned again though it may have been worth trying it it did at time feel aimed at me.

It was annoying as hell and part of a pattern of undermining behaviour - the difference for me was a DH who is a good partner and father and the ability to stand up to my MIL - who often was fine with a firm boundary.

However I really only got angry when she deliberately fed the DC some of the food - acted surprised we knew Hmm.

Since found many people with DC with very serious allergies have encountered family member who've got out of their way to feed a DC the food - in an effort to prove the parents wrong or because they don't believe.

So from that point of view your MIL following the diet was actually pretty good.

Your problem is your DP massive over reaction to events - it's not clear if your MIL was trying to cause problems and expected such a reaction or was just being practical passing on item your Ds couldn't have- but it does sound like you are in an abusive relationship.

I hope you get some help with that.

FromSeaToShining · 14/05/2015 14:30

I was all ready to say YABU, and I think YWBU about the particular incident in the OP. But your partner is abusive to you? Your problem most certainly is not with your in-laws. It is with the abusive arse you are living with.

Do you have any support IRL? Friends, family who will help and stand by you?

AreYouSureGeorgeBernard · 14/05/2015 14:31

Even "a respectable liked by all social worker" will have no authority over a court of law's arrangements for your children.

He's abusing you. What are you teaching your children by staying? Think about that.

You really, really need to start by calling Women's Aid and making plans (with their help) to leave. You owe it to yourself, your children and every other woman and child that this monster comes into contact with to call the police if he raises a hand to you again.

Start with Women's Aid today.

hedgehogsdontbite · 14/05/2015 14:31

OP please contact Women's Aid. They can support you while you stay and help you to reach a point where you feel you can leave.

Hoppinggreen · 14/05/2015 14:31

Ok, ignoring the huge drip feed ( tsunami feed I believe someone on the miffed at nursery thread called it)
Your issue is not Barney bear cakes or whatever it is whoever is abusing you. You are not trapped, you need to figure out a way to get away from this person. I'm asumming ( possibly unfairly) it's your partner. Call women's aid for advice and post in Relationships for more support.
As another poster recently found out AIBU can be a bit brutal but you will find that if you provide as much info as you can at the start you can get some brilliant advice and support from Mumsnet

IKnowRight · 14/05/2015 14:32

Oh OP, I've just read your updates, I'm sorry to hear of your situation and if my post sounded snippy then I apologise for it.

You need to get out. Please post on the relationship board, there are so many helpful knowledgable people who can give you advice, many of them have been in your position.

You will be believed.

Good luck

Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 14:33

Pagwatch = he babbles lots but doesnt assign sounds to anything. All he does is say mmm hmm if I say drinkie? or beddy? to him.

He is the sweetest little thing on the planet - I just want to do all I can for him. That's great your wee boy started talking - I keep dreaming my son is talking then feel really sad when I wake up and he isn't.

He has also never gestured or pointed. I really hope one day he talks.

OP posts:
SpinDoctorOfAethelred · 14/05/2015 14:34

Flowers to OP

The majority of posters on this thread: please, please, please read OP in future and consider tones.

This paragraph for example: Anyway I came home to my (already sceptical and with his head usually buried in the sand) partner who had tears in his eyes saying that his mum had given him a packet of 'teddy spongecakes' as 'she had been told by me she wasn't allowed to give them to my son' and 'could he use them up'.

It is easy to read as a description of a woman being emotionally-manipulative and demonising the OP for denying a little boy treats. So, instead of assuming MIL casually said "use these up before they go off", ask for clarification before you stick the boot in.

AGirlCalledBoB · 14/05/2015 14:34

Women's aid?
Friends and family?
Do you have any savings aside to get away from your oh?

My son's diet while important would be less of my priority, I would want to get him away from my abusive partner.

It may also explain some of your son's problems if he has been around violence and arguments.

Post in relationships, you will get better advice there

ouryve · 14/05/2015 14:35

he's a respectable 'liked by all' social worker

Well, in that case, he has more to lose by you facing up to the fear and getting out, with the possible exposure of what he's really like behind closed doors than you have. Think about it - if he tries to get into a custody battle, it's more likely that his work will find out that he is violent and he will no longer be a respectable social worker.

You need to get out for your and your DS's safety. If you don't, for whatever reason, and he hits you again (and he will and it will be harder) you need to call the police. If the last incident is recent enough for you to have a clear memory, call 101 and get it logged, retrospectively. A history of violence will go against him if he's looking for custody.

AGirlCalledBoB · 14/05/2015 14:35

Op as for the talking, both myself and my brother did not talk much til we was 3. Do they still do speech therapy?

Really helped with us.

WeirdCatLady · 14/05/2015 14:36

OP, people can only give their opinions based on what you tell us.

Based on your OP I stand by my initial response. I dont think that makes me a thick bitch, or think I should go fuck myself.

From your subsequent posts I would advise you to post in Relationships so that you can get advice on what your next steps should be. I would also suggest giving Womens Aid a call.

Flowers
post · 14/05/2015 14:37

You have real things to deal with in your relationship, op, which you know. All good wishes to you.

And, just to say, we also saw huge changes in our son's speech and language very quickly after introducing a gfcf diet, as well as how 'present' he seemed, and he himself subsequently told us (when he was able) that he didn't want to eat those things as 'they made his head feel so funny'.

We also know other families who saw the same thing, as well as some who didn't, and it's a well-trodden path to take (sunderland university have done work in this area, I heard) and well worth a try. So don't let sceptics put you off trying it.

CaTsMaMmA · 14/05/2015 14:37

err, there are no real reasons given in the op other than the poster wanting to try a restrictive diet for a growing child

by all means raise any child on any diet if that is what is needed to keep it healthy, from the above I don't believe there has been any professional advice regarding this child's diet, or that I have cast aspersions on anyone with actual allergies.

from subsequent drip feeding posts from the OP it's obvious that a random exclusion diet is the least of the worries here.

Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 14:37

ouryve

She said to my dp yesterday 'I don't want nan self-diagnosing him' about our son.

That's what I feel like - lilke she is determined to undermine me or get a rise out of my oh. She seems to like it when my oh gives me shit over something that has upset her. that's just what she is like.

Its just so frustrating because it feels like she is trying to make this about me being 'difficult' when all I care about is my son.

OP posts:
hedgehogsdontbite · 14/05/2015 14:38

I don't understand - you are still focussing on the mil.

It is very common for people in abusive relationships to focus on anyone other than the abuser. It's part of the mind fuck. 'If I hadn't burnt dinner he wouldn't have hit me.' 'If the shop assistant had been quicker and not wound him up he wouldn't have hit me.' 'If MIL hadn't given him the biscuits he wouldn't have hit me.'

Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 14:39

Thanks post that's good to hear. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 14:39

hedgehogsdon'tbite

I suppose its a way of avoiding the real issue, you are right. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 14:41

I'm paying for private, thats good to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 14:41

last post was for agirlcalledbob

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 14/05/2015 14:42

Why did he have tears in his eyes?

OP no matter how well liked he is, there are people who will believe you and help.

Also my little mindee had no words at 23 months (just a general "eh?" for everything) and is now beginning to speak. It's slow but it's happening. Flowers

CrystalCove · 14/05/2015 14:42

My point is she is a shit stirring woman and I feel utterly alone in the world

With all due respect you need to stop focusing and deflecting onto your issues with your MIL, as bad as they are this isnt the main issue or the point...its your abusive relationship with your partner. Until you do that you arent addressing what is causing you the most harm, and your DS by being witness. You sound defeated, and need practical and emotional help to get out.