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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL interfering with special diet for my son

216 replies

auntynan · 14/05/2015 13:32

Hey y'all

Am I Being unreasonable about the following:

My wee boy is 2 years and 2 months and has no words yet. He is being assessed by a paediatrician and I like to try and get him all the help i can and research things and do as much for him as is humanly possible but this post isn't about that. It's about my partners mother...

I thought I would try him on a gluten free casein free diet for a while just to see how it goes and if it affects his behaviour and concentration, possibly his speech. I am well aware it may not, but i know people whose kids it has worked for.

Anyway I made his food up specially for my MIL and gave her gluten free shortbread for him and asked if she could give me the space to try this out with DC and she agreed before she took him away (she has him when i am working some days).

Anyway I came home to my (already sceptical and with his head usually buried in the sand) partner who had tears in his eyes saying that his mum had given him a packet of 'teddy spongecakes' as 'she had been told by me she wasn't allowed to give them to my son' and 'could he use them up'.

Is it just me or is she shit-stirring? I feel so angry I can't even begin. this is not the first time she has caused conflict between me and my partner (other time was when she insisted my SIL had my 7 MONTH OLD overnight despite me crying myself to sleep alone -I know this was weak of me and i have since refused this happening again but at the time i felt afraid to stand up to my partner about it).

Anyway, i just need to know I'm not being OTT. This is about my sons health NOT her being all wounded because she cant give him the shitty snacks she wanted to.

GOD I AM ANGRY. I could F*ING slap her stupid face.

Rant over. ;)

OP posts:
FromSeaToShining · 14/05/2015 15:12

I think you are right to draw a connection between your partner's abusive behaviour and his father's actions. Children learn about relationships by observing their parents. If you do not leave this man, it is entirely possible (indeed, probable) that your little boy will grow up to become abusive to his future partners. I'm absolutely certain you do not want that to happen.

So please follow the advice of others on this thread and contact Women's Aid. And confide in family members and friends who can offer emotional support and practical help. You can escape this dreadful situation. You really can.

tabulahrasa · 14/05/2015 15:13

"I know I need to get out I just don't have the courage to do it yet. I'm scared of handling all this alone."

It'd be easier alone, think about it and honestly, how much of the stress you're under is actually because you're living with your DP?

GloGirl · 14/05/2015 15:14

Your post is in the queue to have his name removed.

Try posting here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

hedgehogsdontbite · 14/05/2015 15:14

it makes sense though - his Dad was abusive to his mother. I wonder if its what he is used to seeing.

Use this as your strength to get away. In 20 years time do you want someone saying this about your son?

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2015 15:15

MN will take your son's name off as soon as they see the reports. There is no edit function on MN.

Good luck OP Flowers

Pagwatch · 14/05/2015 15:22

Auntynan

Go to the special needs board and ask there about speech delay, there are lots of poster there who are very helpful.
In the meantime try not to ask him to speak, try not to tell him to say things - just talk to him a lot. It will feel batty but just talk about what his is doing as simply as possible but with enthusiasm , saying key words often
'Look, here are your shoes. We will put on your shoes and go for a walk. Let's put them on. We have put on your shoes. Good boy'
And don't shy away from brekkie or duck ducks or anything else. There is nothing wrong with baby talk . It's musical and helps get children's attention.

There is a good book called Baby Talk. Ill try and remember the author.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/05/2015 15:24

Yabvu, she gave your partner the cakes to eat, not your son. Is your partner scared of you that he should be crying because his mum gave him some cakes to eat. All very odd, he should grow a backbone! Your MIL did nothing wrong!

SpinDoctorOfAethelred · 14/05/2015 15:31

The SaLT we've been seeing recommends singing and nursery rhymes.

You need proper relationship advice, too. It wouldn't matter if your MIL made nasty digs about you to your husband if he reacted normally and wasn't violent to you afterwards.

Lots of people have MILs who made the same kind of comments yours does, but they're not going through the misery you're going through, because their spouse isn't abusive. Please ignore all unhelpful posts on this thread.

SanityClause · 14/05/2015 15:31

RTFT, Aeroflot?

Seriouslyffs · 14/05/2015 15:32

Slow clap for Aero
RTFT love Hmm

rumbleinthrjungle · 14/05/2015 15:32

Aero, she's being battered. The cake issue was just what the OP managed to get out in her first post I think.

DayLillie · 14/05/2015 15:45

Another mum of a late talker here - we used to count the stairs every morning, I used to provide a running commentary on everything we did, what he was wearing, what colour things were. Lots of songs with actions. We read books, found the Usbourne duck everywhere Hmm and he could point to every part of his body including eyebrows and lashes, arm pits and names of fingers. In fact he never drew pictures of people consisting of a face with legs - they had bodies with belly buttons and arms with an excessive number of fingers.

We finally saw a speech therapist at 3 and he was signed off as normal for 4 before he was 4. He does have ASD and ADD type issues, but nothing serious.

Definitely talk to the people in Relationships and SN.

Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 15:49

I feel bad saying I have been hit, as I would imagine its nothing compared to what some women go through. He has thumped me on the arms a few times when he has been in a rage and he has shoved me and squeezed my arms until they have been bruised. never on the face though. I guess arm-thumps sometimes don't feel like battery and I don't bruise easily.

However when I was pregnant with my first child (whom I lost at quite a late stage) he did hit me with a wooden canvas I had painted for him on the back). he completely denies it happened though its bizarre. It definitely did - he broke the skin on my back through 3 layers of clothing.

I asked and asked the doc if that is what made me lose her but the doc said it wasn't - it was a genetic thing.

Before anyone says it - I know I am complicit in what has been happening here. I know I have to take responsibility and I am ashamed I haven't up until now it has all felt overwhelming and he can e so nice when he is nice.

Sometimes I feel like the roaring and screaming at me is worse or at least the anticipation of it? Whenever I feel him in one of those moods I just feel physically sick.

Anyway I know this is a topic for relationships and not here, but thanks so much to everyone.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 14/05/2015 15:49

So sorry, just read the thread, initially just read op, but having a quick read before waiting for my dd transport. Flowers and hugs to you, it sounds like a horrendous situation. Yes you do need to get away from him, but there are others on here who are much better at advice. As for the gluten and casin free diet, I tried that on dd8 who has ASD, but did not notice any difference. The difference came when she started her specialist Autistic school, she was calmer, happier and achieving.

GloGirl · 14/05/2015 15:50

FYI MNHQ have informed me they've removed the name in your post auntynan

Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 15:50

Thanks Daylillie and SpinDoctor.

OP posts:
Iggly · 14/05/2015 15:50

You are not complicit in being ohsyically assaulted.

I saw my mum get beaten. It was horrible.

Your ds, your poor ds. Your MIL is the least of your troubles here. You need to get out.

Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 15:51

Thanks GloGirl :)

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 14/05/2015 15:51

Ds 3 has delayed speech but we don't think he's on the Soectrum though. It is only during these last couple of months that his communication has snowballed and is communicating and saying more things. Once again I am very sorry, I was in such a hurry reading.

FromSeaToShining · 14/05/2015 15:52

Were you able to contact Women's Aid, OP?

Your partner is both physically and verbally abusive. There's no two ways around that, it is crystal clear. You are in a terrible situation but you can find the strength and courage to escape.

MrsFring · 14/05/2015 15:55

My heart goes out to you OP. The dietary interventions you have put in place are backed up by a solid body of research, but I'm sure you already know that. You are doing amazingly well as an involved and proactive parent given the horrible behaviour of your H.

My very best wishes to you and your little boy.

Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 15:57

No answer to womens aid yet, phoned domesticabusehelpline and left my name and number. they say its best to phone after working hours but I cant tonight as he will be there. I will keep trying though

Aeroflotgirl - that's ok, I was a bit overly angry when I came on and I can see why I got peoples backs up a bit

OP posts:
Original poster
auntynan · 14/05/2015 15:58

Thanks MrsFring! :')

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2015 15:58

N when I worked for SS they told us to look for marks on people's arms as a sign of abuse. Often it's there because abusers don't want to be caught and if you had bruises all over your face all the time, it would be pretty obvious. Sad

Him denying things is called gaslighting and again, very normal in abuse.

Please call Women's Aid.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/05/2015 16:04

I so hope all the best for you and your little boy, it's horrid, as your partner is in a position of responsibility it sounds even harder. But you do need to get out like others have said. Have you got parents or relatives you could stay with. Yes Womens Aid and Citizen Advice Bureau Flowers