Aibu to phone Jo Jingles leader who has started to blatently exclude & ignore my 2 year old, help me plan my approach:(

[indiana7]

My dd has been going to JJ since she was a baby & adores the classes so much , she has all the cds, the doll, talks about the classes & the leader constantly
However over the past few weeks the leader has taken an obvious dislike towards her & it's very obvious. My dd is extremely outgoing & loves to run up at the start of class with "her news" etc. She answers all the questions the leader asks but leader ignores dd & waits for someone else to answer & pretends they were they were the first to, always makes dd(who sits & waits patiently) wait until last for her instrument, then compliments other child on their "great waiting"! DD went for her nap their say X never heard me telling her the animals names, did I tell her loudly enough?( Dd is extremely articulate for age) then started crying saying X doesn't like me

It is breaking my heart, I was furious leaving the class as my dd was the only child that the leader didn't play with under the parachute, dd went over to where she was & sat beside her & she turned her back on her

I have had plenty of run ins with passive aggressive people throughout my life & have never stood up for myself. However I feel I have to fight dd's corner as she loves Jo Jingles & there is nothing else around here either for her to go to. Dd is so confident(something I never & still don't have) & I don't want that knocked out of her. Should I phone her & what do I say?

Ps leaving the class today another mom randomly commented to me "she does have her favourites doesn't she"

I can be wise (very occasionally) Squiddly! My DCs would not agree.

I agree with Apocalypse. That does feel like quite an attack and I think you'd both come out of that conversation feeling much worse. I'm pretty sure that's not how you'd like it to go if you'd like to keep going to the group.

I'd still try and approach it by asking how both of you can 'fix it' so that your DD and the other DCs can enjoy the group. You may find that the leader has unconsciously been passive-aggressive and if you gently point out that your DD feels less happy lately (without finger pointing) it will jolt the leader a bit.

As a leader of a kids group who is not a teacher, I think that's how I'd like any parent to show concern in a constructive way.

Speaking to the leader to ask for her ideas on boosting DDs confidence and involvement in the group - absolutely fine and may make her realise is she has been inadvertently excluding DD.

Telling off an adult for disliking a 2yo - probably not going to have a positive outcome.

Thanks again, yes clumsy ninja it will be good experience for me, can someone word how the conversation might go. What exactly will I say?

Ds2 is this kind of child. Cute and confident, extremely articulate, charming and outgoing and, if not carefully managed, able to dominate a class setting by sheer force of personality and enthusiasm.

As his mother I have to be aware that, cute as he is, he's probably not the easiest child to manage if you are teaching in a group situation. In fact there are probably times when he's a right pain in the bum tbh.

So I would approach it in the way a PP has suggested-along the lines of 'I know dd can be very outgoing and I'm worried that you feel she is dominating the class a bit too much, how would you suggest we try and redress the balance a bit?' rather than steaming in with a complaint.

I can completely understand that you feel hurt and angry on your DD's behalf. The teacher sounds as if she has, at best, handled the situation clumsily. (My three have all been to Jo jingles or monkey music class as babies and toddlers, and I've seen their teachers manage this kind of situation-especially with my DS2!!-very gently and supportively.) So I think you are right to try and address it.

Just try and be self aware in the way you approach it, though. The way you describe your dd in your posts does come across as being a bit 'she's a perfect princess and can do no wrong' - fine, perhaps she is, but that kind of approach will never go down well with anyone.

Not read all the other threads but the way you describe it to me sounds your DD is dominant and wanting to be centre of attention - why do you feel the need to 'overly praise her' - are you expecting the leader to do this also? There could have been complaints from other parents about your DD monopolising and not giving others a chance.... however, I think you should raise your concerns and feelings with the group leader. See her response and take it from there.

responses not threads

i agree with lemoney - trouble is, if you go in all guns blazing, you are contributing to and exacerbating the issue rather than diffusing it.

If your child is there, calling out all the answers, all the time and YOU are (potentially loud parenting) laying on the praise you think she is being denied, yeah, that situation would grate on my nerves too.

Beware your own past and projection. this is not the same situation/teacher/child. Try not to let that cloud your reaction.

Have a calm chat. Don't go for the emotionally charged stuff saying your child is hurt/upset/tearful etc, if she's irritated and you are also dominating her class, it won't help.

Try the approach that removes emotion from the equation it will help you manage this too. "DD has commented how she feels you don't like her as you don't let her answer questions. I have told her that this isn't the case, but that you have to let ALL the other children have a turn at answering etc and she gets that. I do see how she can have come to that conclusion and actually a couple of parents have ALSO commented how some are listened to more than others." This is a matter that does need addressing, and I want to see if you and I can come up with a way to resolve this."

If you don't get anywhere, speak to the area rep

I think beyondtheborder may have a point; It does sound as though other parents may have complained about the teacher allowing your DD to monopolise the class. The teacher is trying to correct this but has gone too far the other way and is excluding your DD.

I would phone her and be upfront about how you feel, but in a calm polite way. At the end of the day the teacher is in the wrong in how she is dealing with things and you are a paying customer, so she should take notice.

Thank God for mumsnet, all the advice given has been very constructive. I might ring & say Dd was a little upset after her class today which is very unusual as she loves it so much & I was wondering if perhaps she noticed something unusual that I didn't?

That sounds perfect indiana.

It's nice and neutral and will very likely make the leader more aware that she could be hurting your DDs feelings. You could even mention how much your DD adores the leader (as you said in your above post) as hearing things like that means a lot.

I'd just say that you noticed today that all other children got turns under the parachute and that your DD didn't, and that DD didn't get any opportunities to answer questions, and you wondered if you/your DD have done anything to upset the teacher, as you normally both love the classes and you'd hate to have done anything to upset her etc etc

She will probably be mortified and it won't happen again!

It is concerning that other parents have noticed it, your dd has picked up in this too. Goid plan, but if it happens again I would approach the leader after clas.

Your poor daughter. Speak to the teacher.

I would speak to the teacher as you are paying for the class and so the teacher should really give all children equal attention.

I would do the "feedback" sandwich approach so

Good thing - we love your classes and I feel they have really benefited DD

Bad thing - I'm a bit worried though as she noticed that she never gets chosen to ask questions and this has made her a bit sad, in fact she actually asked me about it the other day. I do appreciate that you are very busy and of course all the children should have a go but it would be lovely if next session you could enourage and include her and let her answer a question.

Good thing - thanks for taking the time to listen to my concerns and I know DD is really looking forward to the animal theme next week.

I think that gets your point across and is pretty non-confrontational too!

One of the skills of running groups like this is making sure all children get a go, managing the over-confident ones nicely and encouraging the shy ones so it must be quite a hard task!

I don't think op is being at all Pfb, the leader should be trained and be perceptive enough to handle the situation a lot better, ignoring a very young child is not the way, even if she is trying to dominate the session, there are more effective ways to deal with that. If she is working with children the JJ leader should be able to handle different situations effectively.

Bit harsh, Treeshine.

Op, I do think though that from the tone of your posts, your DD would never be "at fault" (wrong expression for a 2 yr old but hopefully it makes sense).

Dietcokeandwine views are very sensible in recognising a child's personality and being aware of behaviour that is less than perfect - no 2 yr old is perfect all the time and I do think there may have been previous issues that you haven't seen, as as PP has said, leader is clumsily trying to resolve it.

I agree you should mention it, I would do it face to face after the next class though, not telephone, as I think conversations are easier and more constructive face to face. I think you should be prepared to hear a view that your DDs behaviour isn't always perfect though, and take this on board.

Our DC are of course always wonderful in our eyes but we can make them even more wonderful, by viewing their behaviour objectively through the eyes of others.

Please be open minded to what the leader has to say.

Whenever you are dealing with anyone in relation to your child it is important you let go stuff from your own past. This is a different situation and your dd is a different child. As a teacher we often have parents coming in all guns blazing and it comes out of their own experience.. They say..l had enough of that while l was in school and lm not having it for my child...It's usually over the top and has triggered something in them. This is a good opportunity to let that stuff go so you are coming from a place of healing before your dd starts school. Your dd sound fab so you don't need to worry that she will experience what you did. Follow advice here as regards sandwich approach...once leader is aware things should even out a bit

bookbag40
"I would speak to the teacher as you are paying for the class and so the teacher should really give all children equal attention."

As are the other parents, as a teacher it is a fine line to walk.

Is this thread for real???

OP, please, take a step back and understand that, whilst your child is the centre of your world, not unreasonably, she will not be the centre of everyone else's. There are many other children in this group, many not as confident as your dd, who the teacher is possibly trying to coax forward. If you're going to get in a state about this, Lord help you when she starts school.

I think bookbag 40 has the perfect approach, but I would wait for the next session and speak to the teacher face to face. It's the weekend now, she won't have her work head on and won't be ready for the conversation. If you speak to her right after the class, you can perhaps offer examples from the session and it will be fresh in her memory.

I definitely think you should say something, I had the same with my dd at a dance class at the same age.
I had some concerns but thought no one would treat a child like that, I must be wrong but I took her out eventually withoutsaying anything as it hurt to see it happen.
A year or so later I was approached my a mum in the shops and she said she took her child out because of the way my dd was treated! I didn't even know this woman so it must have been bad.
I still feel shite when I think about it and ddis 10!

You'd think I'd learn but I'm so green or was that when it happened in school years later I had loads of reason a teacher was doing it.
I finally grew a pair and if you just approach in a friendly manner and take it from there. No need for accusations just comment daughter has been a bit reluctant to come lately when normally she loves it and if you both observe and see if there's anything stands out...... you can discuss later.
She now knows you're watching and that should be enough.

I'm guessing this is your first child?

It's Jo frickin Jingles.

The teacher is trying to encourage the other toddlers, can't you see that? I also had a chatty, bright little show-off who knew all the flash cards and could finish the teachers' sentences - I didn't require a Jo Jingles songstress to validate that for me. Back off and let it go or you will be beating this drum till your child is 18. Don't be THAT parent.

Be assertive and tell her how you're feeling. Sorry but her (leader) side is irrelevant this is a 2 year old baby who is being ignored, and for that there is no excuse or reason.
It's not just yourself who has noticed that she has her favorites.
You have to be your dd's voice. She can't speak up for herself.
And just say at the if the conversation. I don't expect any come back on .........
And if there is any come back or things don't improve. Just take
Her out find another group where the leader is more inclusive.

If she is over taking the class then the teacher who is not doing it for free should be professional enough to deal with a 2yr old appropriately.
It doesn't sound like she is.