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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask this mum if she can help out with the school run?

221 replies

UnderEstherMate · 28/04/2015 20:59

DP and I both work full time, but DPs hours meant that he could do the morning school run and we use after school club. He's just been offered a new job, which means that won't be able to happen any more.

As I do neither the morning nor after school run, I haven't built much of a network of school-mum friends. There is one mum who lives close by, she's around my age and we've been out together with our DCs once recently and my DD went to hers for a play date. She seems really nice and we got on well.

She works full time too, but is able to get her DD in for school in the mornings. WIBU to ask if I could drop my DD to hers in the morning so she can take them both in? And if I'm not BU, how do I go about asking?

(I hope she's not a MNer or I've seriously outed myself!)

OP posts:
MisForMumNotMaid · 29/04/2015 20:34

Have you asked if any of the workers at breakfast club would do 1/2 hr paid babysitting for you?

MisForMumNotMaid · 29/04/2015 20:39

kiwi i've experienced very similar. Even had the other mother, a relative, badmouthing me to other family members for my lack of compassion. Bleeting on about how they can't see my problem after all if the shoe was on the other foot they'd have done it for me. The thing is she doesn't. When I need help its always a bad time.

rookiemere · 29/04/2015 20:42

Mathanxiety talks a lot of sense here.

OP's DH was offered a new job - did he apply for it, did he know it meant he couldn't do morning drop offs, is his current job no longer available to him? Does his new job earn more money which could be used to throw at the additional child care which is needed?

Bottom line is if there are two f/t working parents then childcare needs to be split, or one partner takes a role that facilitates supporting it and that is mutually agreed. Sometimes this requires career sacrifices, or at the least it means keeping up your end of the bargain through sourcing the alternative childcare arrangement, not lumbering some other poor f/t working DM.

FWIW I would happily take someone elses DC to school one or two days a week, provided they were taking DS home from school, would not do it more frequently than that. DH and I have made sacrifices to our overall family income so that DS gets dropped into school and generally picked up by me, I like our chats in the car in the morning, I also am fairly stressed leaving the house to make sure I get into work on time, wouldn't be keen to add an extra factor to that.

oddfodd · 29/04/2015 20:59

Breakfast club is a good point. Ours opens officially at 7.45 but they'll let you drop off 5-10 mins early to catch the train for the price of a few large boxes of extra chocolatey biscuits at the end of every term :o

mathanxiety · 29/04/2015 20:59

"I don't agree that men help and support each other. They usually get on in life because they manage to be selfish..."

They manage to be selfish because they have a support team picking up the slack for them. The support team is usually women, who accept whatever is thrown at them and deal with it and do not say, 'Hey wait a minute, we are both the parents of little Johnny so how come I am the one scrambling for childcare on top of doing lesson plans and correcting 28 tests tonight, and preparing for tomorrow's meeting before school that is probably completely unnecessary.'

When it comes to looking out for the interests of women or noticing that somehow their families are being held together and necessary drudge work gets done, men club together very effectively, shrug at 'women's concerns', and call the failure of women to juggle all that is placed in their laps while at the same time jumping through ridiculous hoops such as daily meetings before school 'failure to prioritise' and 'making your choices'. They are aided and abetted in keeping women frazzled by other women who seem to think that dog eat dog is the way it has to be.

oddfodd · 29/04/2015 21:04

Completely agree with you math.

On a related note, was just talking to my mum about my sister's DS who has SN. She said that she was surprised that my sister's DH wasn't more involved in getting their DS more support and was disappointed in how much of a back seat he takes. It made me realise that all the support groups I'm involved in (not just on MN) for my own DS's disability are entirely populated by mothers. I don't think I've ever seen a man post unless they're an adult with the same disability.

bookbag40 · 29/04/2015 21:18

I agree that men do often take the view that finding or providing childcare is 'woman's work'.

However surely getting another woman to help out with the school run is just perpetuating this attitude that the woman can deal with it.
I certainly wouldn't see it as my role to make up for some else's husbands chauvinistic tendencies.

thelittleredhen · 29/04/2015 22:28

Just to say that the mums at our school that do this do a couple of days each and the other day both children go to breakfast club.

It is very cheeky and it would be unreasonable to put her in the position of having to accept the responsibility or having to tell you no.

Also, I take my DS to school every day but I enjoy that time with him and it would totally change the dynamics of our mornings to have somebody else's child with us.

AuditAngel · 29/04/2015 22:33

If DH has to work/wants to go out on one of his days to mind the DC he expects me to make the arrangements, even if that is asking his mum, or mine, who stays with us regularly to help with the DC.

Conversely, if I have to start work early meaning I can't do drop off, it is a big drama for him to have to cover it.

I am currently covering 2 weeks of pick ups due to DH having minor surgery, however, I'm not moaning (all the time) about leaving work early, collecting DC and then working into the evening at home.

RedSoloCup · 29/04/2015 22:45

I would ask her if she knows anyone that would like to do this for a little bit of ££.

She may know or offer.

happystory · 29/04/2015 23:16

Agree with littleredhen, we did this and it seemed like a good idea at the time but the other child turned out to be quite demanding and grumpy and it totally spoiled our mornings.

mimishimmi · 30/04/2015 03:17

The OP is a teacher though with regular hours and doesn't sound like she wants the other mum to do anything other than drop her daughter off (or does she want before school care as well?) and is willing to do reciprocal favours. That's why I think it's okay if she just asks because the other mum might really benefit from reciprocation. That wouldn't really bother me. It's the mum's who get a foot in with the okay requests (eg dropoffs) and then it turns into 'emergency' afterschool care at least once a week , holiday care requests etc that piss me off - usually these women have jobs with long hours and impromptu late meetings. Their partners work similar hours and they won't/don't want to organise something between them - the cost of regular care is not my problem!

CharlesRyder · 30/04/2015 06:49

I don't think being a teacher is an excuse. Yes, full time hours are very inflexible. However, when I was FT I rang every childminder in about an 8 mile radius to find one who would take from 7.30 and do my nursery run (and paid her quite a bit extra to take this on).

Since it became apparent that both DH and I (both teachers) working FT wouldn't work for us as a family we moved heaven and earth- including both taking new jobs, moving across the country and me negotiating a full time position down to 9-2 to MAKE it work. You just have to.

HicDraconis · 30/04/2015 06:58

I work full time to enable DH to stay at home, do school runs morning and afternoon, walk dogs etc.

I know DH wouldn't mind in the least taking an extra child to school every morning (we did it for a neighbour for a while as she had work start time issues) - we have to go there anyway. I wouldn't offer on his behalf because I feel awkward volunteering him to do things but he'd offer on the spot.

It's just one of those things friends and neighbours do to help each other out. I wouldn't expect payment, or reciprocal care - just that you arrive promptly so that we are not late.

We often have friends' children over during school holidays if they can't get leave - our kids get someone to play with, the parents get childcare. It doesn't cost us anything extra or make our life more difficult - and it makes someone else's life easier, why would you not do it?

Redlocks28 · 30/04/2015 07:13

it doesn't make our life more difficult

Well, the child I had to look after before school did make my life more difficult!

NakedBaby · 30/04/2015 07:20

I second a shout-out in the newsletter.

Our school also has a WhatsApp group for every year group - which is a non-pressured way to let people know you need help. You might find someone's teenager/aged mother will help you out for ££££.

AmazonGrace · 30/04/2015 10:57

I also think you should approach the school asking for this to be possibly put forward on the next newsletter OR contact childminders in your area to see if they can do the school run. They are out there. I used to drop ds off at 7:30am to one childminder.

I think you would put the other parent in an awkward position if you asked her and the dynamics of your blossoming friendship would possibly change. I wouldn't dream of putting someone on the spot like that but then that's me, I wouldn't ask. I love my time with ds in the mornings, we have our own routine. Sometimes homework gets finished in the mornings. It's very busy and I wouldn't want another dc to look after.

Tbh you've had time to organise this or at least look into the alternatives of what you would do, as I'm sure you must have discussed what you would happen if your dp got the job, so it's not a complete surprise.

AmazonGrace · 30/04/2015 10:58

Sorry for the extra 'you'!

expatinscotland · 30/04/2015 11:02

The difference, Hic, is that the OP's new pal also works FT. She may also have occasional meetings early, has to get herself ready for work, etc.

Audit, more fool you. I'd put a stop to that. It's 'women's work' if you make it so.

Still haven't heard what the OP's partner is doing about it.

Viviennemary · 30/04/2015 11:04

I think this kind of request is OK once or twice when you're stuck but you shouldn't really ask for it as a permanent arrangement. It puts people in a difficult position not wanting to say no but not wanting a long term childminding situation. There is nothing worse than rushing around getting ready and yet having to think about another child coming in any minute. agree that you should pay for a childminder.

dustarr73 · 30/04/2015 11:30

I think if the other mum works ft as well its not on for her to have your dc every morning.I think the best bet would be just to get somebody regular who doesnt mind doing it.So put a notice up or ask the headmaster.You are going to need continous care so you might as well start as you mean to go on.

reni1 · 30/04/2015 11:34

Ft working parents often have only an hour in the morning and 2 hours in the evening with their children, so this time is precious, this is when a lot of the bonding and parenting happens, it would be hugely intrusive to have another child every day, it can change the family dynamics dramatically.

mimishimmi · 30/04/2015 12:04

Another FT working mum might be glad to have someone she can trade childcare favours with though and I think it's a big mistake to assume that someone not working/working part-time is going to be a lot less busy in the mornings (or after dropoff for that matter) and a better choice for asking favours like this of. I just reread the OP and it sounds like she would be expecting some BSC too. That could be problematic.

thelittleredhen · 30/04/2015 13:38

I've now gone through and read all of your posts and have drawn the following conclusion:

Due to the hours that your DD's school offers wrap-around care, that you and your DH are unable to both work that requires you to travel to work earlier than the breakfast club opens and requires you to travel home from work arriving after the after school club ends.

The only alternative to this is to hire a childminder to take DD to and from school or ask the school if their wrap around care could be opened for extended hours if you pay an additional fee for them to offer that.

chrome100 · 30/04/2015 14:18

To the SAHM mum who said WOHMs have made their own bed - what a callous comment! You benefit all the time from women working outside the home - the nurses, the teachers, the shopkeepers etc. Not to mention their taxes.