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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask this mum if she can help out with the school run?

221 replies

UnderEstherMate · 28/04/2015 20:59

DP and I both work full time, but DPs hours meant that he could do the morning school run and we use after school club. He's just been offered a new job, which means that won't be able to happen any more.

As I do neither the morning nor after school run, I haven't built much of a network of school-mum friends. There is one mum who lives close by, she's around my age and we've been out together with our DCs once recently and my DD went to hers for a play date. She seems really nice and we got on well.

She works full time too, but is able to get her DD in for school in the mornings. WIBU to ask if I could drop my DD to hers in the morning so she can take them both in? And if I'm not BU, how do I go about asking?

(I hope she's not a MNer or I've seriously outed myself!)

OP posts:
brusselsproutwarning · 28/04/2015 21:12

Patents??...parents..!

Fairylea · 28/04/2015 21:12

I've been the other mum in this situation and it's really annoying to be honest. You end up having to be on best behaviour all the time waiting around for other people and if they're late you become late and so on.

So its a big yabu from me. You need to find permanent proper childcare that can get your dc to school on time.

FenellaFellorick · 28/04/2015 21:12

oh, and I say that as someone who takes 2 other children to school every morning with my kids and does a 3 mile detour to do so and does it happily. It's not that I am against such kind of arrangements, just that there's a lot more to consider than your personal need.

PeachyPants · 28/04/2015 21:12

I think it's unfair to ask, as others have said have you looked into breakfast club or child-minder options?

Redlocks28 · 28/04/2015 21:12

What's in it for her!?

Ocho · 28/04/2015 21:12

No. YABU.

FenellaFellorick · 28/04/2015 21:13

xpost - you have to be at work at 8?

What time would you have to drop your child at this woman's house then?

Original poster
UnderEstherMate · 28/04/2015 21:14

Atomic I'm happy to collect her DD from after school club or to pay her for the mornings. As others have advised though, I wouldn't want to risk asking and souring a potential school-mum friendship. Those can be valuable!

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 28/04/2015 21:14

YABU, you hardly know her for a start, a friend would be a different matter.
I have friends who I would help out at the drop of a hat and am emergency sick cover for 2 of dds friends parents, and offered.

you can't just expect somebody to do this permanently, it's a responsibility and the reason people usually pay somebody to do the job.

TheRealMaryMillington · 28/04/2015 21:15

She works full time. She's probably had to negotiate hard and make other compromises in order to do the morning school run. So unfortunately YABU.

I really think you need to sort yourself out tbh. Is there no flexibility with either your own or DHs new role? Otherwise breakfast club or childminder.

That said, FWIW, we take my friends son to school every day as her daughter is at a different school in the opposite direction. But we have know each other 10 years.

christinarossetti · 28/04/2015 21:15

It sounds like either your or your dh need to adjust your working hours, or he doesn't take the new job tbh, if there's no childminder/breakfast club available for the hours that you need.

Original poster
UnderEstherMate · 28/04/2015 21:16

Fenella about 7.35. Her DD goes to breakfast club too but it's in the other direction to my work so me taking her would make me late for work.

OP posts:
Bakeoffcake · 28/04/2015 21:16

If you're offering to pay then I don't see a problem in asking her to have your dd.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 28/04/2015 21:16

YABVVU! Shock

PeachyPants · 28/04/2015 21:17

x posted, it's hard if you haven't built up a network of friends but I know a few people who have a financial arrangement with a friend/other mum at school who are not child-minders but I think asking when you are not in a position to regularly reciprocate isn't fair.

scarletforya · 28/04/2015 21:17

Yabvu.

There have been threads on here before by people who got roped into these kinds of arrangements. The general consensus always was that the asker was a user. That was the polite version.

Your childcare issues are not her problem. If you were planning to pay her that would be fine but I can't believe you thought it would be ok to expect her to do it for free! Shock That's an outrageous cheek.

Mintyy · 28/04/2015 21:18

I'm not sure you can offer to pay someone who is not a professional childminder.

I predict this to be one of those threads which goes on for hundreds of messages, when OP has already realised and acknowledged she is bu.

OscarWinningActress · 28/04/2015 21:19

No...YABU. I'm a SAHM and mornings in our house are CRAZY! There's a lot of chaos and yelling. Yes, I do the school run every morning but adding another child to the mix would really complicate things. If you've set up your life this way then you must arrange for proper wrap around care.

FenellaFellorick · 28/04/2015 21:19

That's very early, isn't it?

What about asking not if she can do it, but that you have this need and does she know anyone who would want to earn some money doing this. That way, if that is something she would be interested in, she can say so, but she isn't put on the spot at all?

Or saying please feel free to say no, but would you be interested in earning some money...

I mean, I haven't changed my mind, I think it's a bad idea Grin but if you really have no options, that's probably the best way to ask.

Sagethyme · 28/04/2015 21:20

If you can share the school run i think that is fine, for example she does the drop off you do the pick up. Or she does three mornings and you do two, following term you do three mornings and she does two, but i think expecting her to do everyday is not on!
could you ask you schools administrator to put out an email asking if anyone can do a lift share?

Love51 · 28/04/2015 21:21

You and DH both need to put in flexible working requests. Is there a spin you can put on it to make it worth their while for you to start later? I appreciate it is difficult.

TooBusyByHalf · 28/04/2015 21:21

YABU. Get an au pair. If you've got to be somewhere at 8 it's too early for most CMs and breakfast clubs.

steppemum · 28/04/2015 21:21

If you did ask, you need to pay. I wouldn't mind being asked as a job, I would mind enormously being asked as a favour.

I often take my friends ds to school. I do have to go and pick him up (just round corner) and he has SN so we cannot be late (which in essence means being at school 10 minutes early)
She and I are good friends and I really don't mind, BUT

  1. she pays me
  2. when kids were smaller, my dd2 would throw the odd pre-school wobbly and the pressure of someone else's kid's needs was then hard to balance. dh works from home and there were a couple of days when I needed to leave and leave her behind while I went to get her ds.
  3. I have had to go up or down to school at times when I didn't need to as mine weren't going in/at club/on trip.
TheEggityOddity · 28/04/2015 21:21

Have you exhausted all other options first? Are there no child minders around? Maybe ask her if she knows of anyone first. Phone everyone on your councils website and see if anyone has a space and check them out. Asking someone who works full time is probably going to be a no.

UniS · 28/04/2015 21:22

I a similar situation I was asked to have a school yard friends two children before school and walk them in once a week... with a 7.30 drop off. It worked for a while, but only for the term it took for a 2 child slot to come up with a childminder. In exchange she would walk my lad in on an average of once a week.

Short term it was OK, but I'd not have wanted to make it a long term commitment.

How old is your child and when do you expect them to walk themselves to school?