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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask this mum if she can help out with the school run?

221 replies

UnderEstherMate · 28/04/2015 20:59

DP and I both work full time, but DPs hours meant that he could do the morning school run and we use after school club. He's just been offered a new job, which means that won't be able to happen any more.

As I do neither the morning nor after school run, I haven't built much of a network of school-mum friends. There is one mum who lives close by, she's around my age and we've been out together with our DCs once recently and my DD went to hers for a play date. She seems really nice and we got on well.

She works full time too, but is able to get her DD in for school in the mornings. WIBU to ask if I could drop my DD to hers in the morning so she can take them both in? And if I'm not BU, how do I go about asking?

(I hope she's not a MNer or I've seriously outed myself!)

OP posts:
diddl · 29/04/2015 07:29

I think the best way to ask is the "do you know anyone who can help" way.

Then she can offer if she wants.

I don't think it's weird not to want to tie yourself down to another arrangement tbh.

Maybe she has a routine that she wants to stick to or mornings are a pita & she wouldn't want another child there, who knows?

Also an extra child for half an hr is quite a lot.

Especially if that's getting ready time-what's the other child to do?

AuditAngel · 29/04/2015 07:36

I ask lots of favours, mainly relating to dancing pick ups and drop offs. I return them when I am asked for help, sometimes even when it isn't the most convenient, because I definitely benefit.

For example this week mum is under the weather after a week in hospital, DH had a minor op yesterday. DS had a rehearsal last night, two mums offered to take him. In the end one took, one returned him. They both live quite near, but aren't neighbours (2-3 miles away each). Recently one of the mums asked if I was on my way to dancing as she was in Warwick for work, I responded that I was currently in Southampton, but happy to collect her on the way! Have also left dancing to go and pick her up when mum was caught on the motorway.

But I wouldn't want the pressure of a regular arrangement.

Summeblaze · 29/04/2015 07:41

I take my DD's friend to school one day a week on a permanent basis and sometimes two. I don't mind as I am going anyway. The big difference here is that the mum is a close friend. We became friends because of our DD's and now we socialise as grown ups and friends.

If someone I hardly knew asked me even for one day on a permanent basis I would they were incredibly cheeky. Every day would be taking the piss.

FWIW I am a pushover so I would help anyone out even if I didn't know them well as a one off or every now and again. Do they not have a breakfast club.

Redlocks28 · 29/04/2015 08:04

How is it that you teach full time but could offer to collect her primary age child after school? Or have I misunderstood? Or do you just mean collecting from after school club at 6 and driving them home?

A friend used to drop her son off here for half an hour each morning and he was a nightmare. We were pottering about cleaning our teeth when he arrived and he'd pull all the toys out, then would refuse to tidy up or carry his own school bag. It was a hard arrangement to stop once started. If your neighbour had that bit of the arrangement and you just had a short drive back in the car-I wouldn't be happy. Would you offer to do 2 full solid weeks of childcare for her child in the holidays? That would make it worth her while and if you add up what you'd have to pay a childminder in the mornings, you'd pay a fair whack.

You couldn't cancel or be ill on those two weeks though!!

cheeseandpineapple · 29/04/2015 08:22

OP, if you're going to have the conversation (which I think you should), be careful not to over compensate. If you're offering a reciprocal arrangement, she takes, you bring home and possibly have her daughter at your place if you're picking up earlier than she normally picks up, until she gets to yours then that's a pretty fair deal and could be an efficient use of time for both of you. Offering holidays is unnecessary in my view, you might come to that over time out of goodwill but it doesn't have to be part of the deal at this stage.

It is worth exploring with her, on a temporary basis and then if it works and you both want to continue that's great and if it's proving tricky then you should both be honest about it. The advantage is that you're not sufficiently close that your friendship might be at risk and if anything it might help cement things if you have a mutually beneficial arrangement and try to approach it equitably. The difficulty might be your children getting a bit tired of each other and when they might want play dates with other friends. Risk is if she really likes the idea and wants to go for it permanently and you want it to be temporary but I think it's worth crossing bridges and addressing as you go along.

I helped someone out for a year 2 days a week pick up and another friend did 3 days a week for same family, person who asked is not a friend, our children are in same class but not really friends either and it wasn't always convenient but we made it work for the year they needed it. She offered to take our son to school on the same days, we didn't need that but it was good of her to offer. I was sympathetic and wanted to help out, I have a flexible working arrangement and she didn't so I knew how tough it was for her as she'd been unemployed and had finally got a new job. Wanted to show some solidarity and support for a fellow working mum and knew that she would jump in and help us if we needed it.

googoodolly · 29/04/2015 08:39

I always find these arrangements to be a bad idea. What if the other mum or her DC is ill, or she suddenly has to work early or go away to look after a sick relative? You're then placing her in a really awkward position where she has to either let you down at the last minute, or drag her own sick child to school just so you can get to work. It's not really fair on her because it means she's stuck doing this everyday and has no chance to be flexible herself.

I think you need to arrange childcare - either a local teenager willing to come over and drop off on their way to school/college or your DP can't take the job. It sucks but lots of parents turn down jobs/promotions because of childcare difficulties.

Artandco · 29/04/2015 08:52

Do you have space for an au pair? If so it would probably work out cheaper and more efficient in the end also as you wouldn't have to pay for before or after school care. At 6 it's a good age also as they don't need someone to constantly 'help' with basic things. Au pair would do 7.30am- 9am, give breakfast and take to school. Then 3pm-5/6pm when your home. Would also maybe be around if child was off school sick or staff development days, depending on what you pre arrange.

SingingHinnies · 29/04/2015 10:05

She might really struggle for childcare in the school holidays so offering help there might be doing her a huge favor, i know a lot of people struggle for childcare in the holidays as i have watched a few kids over the years. Make it clear you can and will return the favor but of course if it's not convenient for her you can work something else out.

PrimalLass · 29/04/2015 10:51

I would be happy to do this, wouldn't mind you asking at all and wouldn't want paying.

This. Especially if you were offering to bring them home every day.

TummyButtonFluff · 29/04/2015 11:26

It's a struggle getting small children out in the morning - I'd not want to do it every morning.

Redlocks28 · 29/04/2015 11:34

I would be happy to do this, wouldn't mind you asking at all and wouldn't want paying.

This shows hos different we all are then. I wouldn't be happy to do this, so don't assume she will be!

Have you decided what to do, OP?

TedAndLola · 29/04/2015 11:40

I think it's fine to ask as long as you don't expect the answer to be yes, or get pissy if she says no. I would also phrase the request carefully.

Livjames1 · 29/04/2015 11:50

I think it would be incredibly cheeky of you to ask her to be honest, she's your child and you chose to work full time so it should be you who pays for wrap around childcare.

mimishimmi · 29/04/2015 11:54

It's perfectly okay to ask, especially if you can offer holiday childcare in return. She might really appreciate that but be feeling too shy to ask you! It's only when parents take the piss turning up late etc and/or don't reciprocate (or promise to but make every excuse under the sun not to when asked) that it becomes a pain in the neck.

debricassartcleary · 29/04/2015 11:59

YABVU. Mornings are very stressful at times and adding someone else's child to the mix who you hardly know is never going to work. She will resent you quite quickly and any chance of a friendship will rapidly dissolve. I have done it. It was hell. You really have to sort your own shit out.Smile

reni1 · 29/04/2015 12:26

YABU. It is stressful to have another child, we often squeeze some homework in in the morning. I take the dd of a very good friend who lives next door to school once a week and any more would be too much.

I would probably feel railroaded into it if she asked for more and would feel petty if I said no and resentful if I said yes. I would be insulted if she offered payment. The friendship would certainly be gone either way.

We started taking her dd in because I offered and I frequently say it is fine (she often seeks reassurance of the fact). So unless she offers, no way, it would be incredibly cheeky (I know a few people who have done this and the suffering party will NOT be quiet about the user taking the piss on the playground so others will be aware as well)

musicalendorphins2 · 29/04/2015 12:26

What I would do is ask her if she possibly knows of any childminders in the area. Not ask her if she would. She can then offer if she is interested.

debricassartcleary · 29/04/2015 12:37

I just think you shouldn't rely on other people for such a basic thing as taking your child to school. You have to arrange your life so that it's possible to do it yourself. I offered this service to a friend not realising how much it impacted on the rest of my family. YRATTP. In the nicest possible way.

debricassartcleary · 29/04/2015 12:39

*or get a childminder/nanny change jobs.

Starlightbright1 · 29/04/2015 12:48

I am a c/minder ... I do it for friends on odd occasions but if it is regular I charge because it interrupts my morning.

If you ask you need to think what you are going to do if her child is sick. make sure you don't arrive early.

I would approach it like other posters have said ..do you know any c minders who might do it? You could try all local childminders...Some may have vacancies from september which you are looking at cover for a couple of months that may be more agreeable...Also check out local nursery...One of ours do school drop off

giraffesCantPluckTheirEyebrows · 29/04/2015 12:48

Op I think you are going to get a lot of people replying who haven't read full thread.

reni1 · 29/04/2015 12:59

That is because people reply to the original post not the drip feed, giraffes.

VolumniaDedlock · 29/04/2015 12:59

I did this for a mate for the last term or so. I work, so welcomed the opportunity to bank some favours. I am quite assertive though, and on the odd week we couldn't do it I stated this loud and clear with no guilty feelings. Also this was only one day per week, and I'm not sure I would want to do this on daily basis, as we all need to be ready earlier, and I've got twice as many things to organise- four sets of lunchbags instead of two, four kids to keep away from the main road etc.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2015 17:00

Thinking back, when I was a child in Dublin in the late 60s and early 70s, we used to bring extra children to school -- one child for a whole year and another child for another year, and I used to shepherd two extra children as well as my own younger sisters home on the bus when I was somewhere between age 7 and 12, just making sure they were on the right bus with me and got off at the right stop where their mothers or grannies met them. A chain smoking neighbour Smile used to drive me home in bad weather until I was 7 as mum didn't drive, though in decent weather she used to load my two younger sisters into the buggy and onto the bus. The school run took her about two hours door to door.

'I just think you shouldn't rely on other people for such a basic thing as taking your child to school.'
I think this is terribly sad.

expatinscotland · 29/04/2015 17:26

'As for DP, were both in the same boat here. Neither of us know anyone who can help and he's very in and out of the school when he does the run because he's always rushing to get to work!'

So what has he been doing? Asking any of the other parents about childminders? Advertising/interviewing for au pairs? Discussing with his boss how he can rearrange his hours and still take the new job?