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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask this mum if she can help out with the school run?

221 replies

UnderEstherMate · 28/04/2015 20:59

DP and I both work full time, but DPs hours meant that he could do the morning school run and we use after school club. He's just been offered a new job, which means that won't be able to happen any more.

As I do neither the morning nor after school run, I haven't built much of a network of school-mum friends. There is one mum who lives close by, she's around my age and we've been out together with our DCs once recently and my DD went to hers for a play date. She seems really nice and we got on well.

She works full time too, but is able to get her DD in for school in the mornings. WIBU to ask if I could drop my DD to hers in the morning so she can take them both in? And if I'm not BU, how do I go about asking?

(I hope she's not a MNer or I've seriously outed myself!)

OP posts:
formerbabe · 28/04/2015 22:57

I was convinced that this thread was a reverse! Obviously not.

And no, don't ask her.

expatinscotland · 28/04/2015 22:57

I think your DP has to turn down the new job if possible. Why isn't he out there sorting out the childcare issues?

butterflyballs · 28/04/2015 23:04

I did it for 18 months for someone I had only met a few times. We had both moved to this area at the same time, she has three kids which were allocated three schools so I picked her dd up and dropped her off every day as my dd was in the same class. Her dd got a place at the same school as another of her kids last year but now we share the run to an activity her oldest does with my dds once a week.

You can only ask.

chickydoo · 28/04/2015 23:14

I was on the receiving end of a situation like this.
A very good friend asked the same of me. Would I drop off everyday. I naively said yes. Big mistake. She was often very early, with her DC wanting a second breakfast, then both kids getting underfoot while I was trying to get ready for work. A couple of times she was very late, making us late for school & me late for work. On her days off she never returned the favour. She got stroppy when My child was off school sick. Once or twice she said she hadn't received my text, and literally dumped her child on my doorstep when I wasn't even taking mine to school because of sickness. When I said I wasn't taking to school she went ballistic.
I stopped doing it.
Don't get involved is my advice.

VictoriaPeckem · 28/04/2015 23:15

I wouldn't mind you asking me but, then again, I'm a normal person unlike many of the frothers on this thread!

LittleIda · 28/04/2015 23:21

As it is a change in your dh's hours that have meant he is no longer able to drop off in the morning, what are his ideas for how the drop off will be managed?

SingingHinnies · 28/04/2015 23:24

I can't see the problem, i work nights and take 3 into school who's parent's work full time and leave before breakfast club starts, it's no different to taking my one and sometimes they take and collect my dd if they have any time off

If your picking up you might be doing her a massive favor, i wouldn't mind being asked OP

cosytoaster · 28/04/2015 23:37

I think your DP has to turn down the new job if possible. Why isn't he out there sorting out the childcare issues?

Agreed

however · 29/04/2015 00:25

Id say YABU because people simply don't behave like that anymore. It's a shame and it's quite shocking that you'd have to consider not taking the job because of it, but there you have it. People don't really like feeling obligated to help out.

Mind you, I'd help. I just think most would feel resentful.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 29/04/2015 01:36

Seriously talk about a default parent issue! How does DH propose to handle the situation??

I would totally talk to her about it. Not outright ask as a favour but see if she has any interest in coming up with a mutually beneficial arrangement - either for money or for swapping for school pickups and holiday days.

So basically repeating myself what I said ^^ up there Grin

ReallyTired · 29/04/2015 02:02

I have a similar arrangement with a neighbour, but the difference is that I regularly pick her son up from school and she often takes my daughter to school. It works well as its a synbyotic relationship and neither of us exploits the other.

oddfodd · 29/04/2015 05:17

I had a similar situation but after school. I advertised on find a babysitter and got a childcare student from the local college to do it.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2015 05:41

I actually turned down a request from another mother for something like this for her child. She wanted to drop her child off at 6.30 in my small flat where three of us would have had to walk past the child in various stages of dress to and from the bathroom, and she would have been bang in the middle of lunchpacking/gym gear finding chaos, and all the rest of the pleasantness chez moi first thing in the morning. I couldn't imagine how it would possibly work even if there had been the possibility of reciprocation on her part. I was able to find her a responsible teen to take her DD from her house to the school instead. (I have older DCs, spread out family, and the older ones knew the younger sister of a friend of theirs).

A few years ago, I brought a child to and from school as there was absolutely no way this particular child could get there otherwise. I didn't mind driving out of my way for this. It was preferable to having a child land in the middle of the morning rush in my home.

If there is any way you can reciprocate, I would ask. I do a lot of carpooling for all sorts of events, sports, parties, you name it, and there is usually some way to reciprocate. Nobody round here really keeps a tab and I suspect it all evens out.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2015 05:43

But I agree your DH needs to be taking the lead here. Why are you the one doing this?

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 29/04/2015 06:17

Hmmm, I'm going to go against the majority here. I do do the morning school run for somebody that has to get to work earlier than I do. She drops her dd to me at 8 so I also her for half an hour before we leave. It really isn't a problem. I am doing my own school run anyway and am happy to help. If my own dc (I have 4) are ill then she has the option of asking another friend or using the breakfast club at school. I don't see what you have got to lose anyway by asking-she can always so no.

Original poster
UnderEstherMate · 29/04/2015 06:21

Thank you for all your responses, a lot more varied than at first! (Perhaps a result of my accidental drip-feeding. Sorry!)

So, from what I can gather, if I can make it clear that there is no obligation, that it is only until I find another solution, and that I can do after school, some mornings (possibly) and school holidays (definitely) that should be okay?

I just want to be sure before I ask! I hate asking for favours, even if paid. I find the whole thing very awkward.

As for DP, were both in the same boat here. Neither of us know anyone who can help and he's very in and out of the school when he does the run because he's always rushing to get to work!

OP posts:
Stillwishihadabs · 29/04/2015 06:43

I have had many of these arrangements over the years dcs now 9 and 11 so coming to the end of needing them. I agree they work best when reciprocal. My guess is this mum would say yes, especially if you offered the holy grail of holiday care, tbh this is probably worth more to her than money, but you never know.

TheEggityOddity · 29/04/2015 07:01

If I could do it for you, I would. I think I would ask her as others have said, with the understanding that you will do after school pick ups and some holidays when she needs them. And again make sure she doesn't feel at all pressured to say yes, and definitely not on the spot. Most people like to help out others as long as they are not taking the piss and this has the potential to be mutually beneficial if you are careful.

CharlesRyder · 29/04/2015 07:06

I feel for you OP, as I have has all sorts of awkward, seemingly irresolvable, childcare woes in DS's short life.

In your situation I might try booking a babysitter through sitters.co.uk for 7.30 - 9.30 for a week (to come to your house and take DC to school). You have to pay for a 3hrs slot each booking so it would be expensive. However, if someone took the booking I would then offer it to them permanently (naughty, but if you don't use sitters for other bookings you wouldn't lose anything if they struck you off).

I might also put an advert in the local shop/ HE College hub etc. I think you will have more joy looking at it as a 2hr job each day rather than just 30mins to get to breakfast club.

Alternatively I agree with PP that you and DH both need to negotiate with your workplaces. You have a statutory right to make flexible working requests.

RoganJosh · 29/04/2015 07:13

What time does DH need to be at work? Can't he drop off at breakfast club? I'm assuming not but just wanted to check.

Rosie29 · 29/04/2015 07:14

I would be happy to do this, wouldn't mind you asking at all and wouldn't want paying. You should offer some holiday, school collections etc for her trouble. We took our neighbours dd to school for a year, they collected, worked fine. None of us live in a bubble, and we should all try to help others out if it's possible.

AggressiveBunting · 29/04/2015 07:15

If it's reciprochal, then I think it's fine to ask, but email her so you dont put her on the spot. She may just not want other people in the house in the mornings.

Littlemonstersrule · 29/04/2015 07:20

I'd be happy to be asked and would do it even if you couldn't return the favour re pickups. I think MN is very weird when it comes to this, so many would be unwilling to help and it's quite sad.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 29/04/2015 07:22

Just read the beginning but I find this thread really sad.

I wouldn't mind helping out a neighbour like this at all.

Just ask OP, all she can say is no.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 29/04/2015 07:24

littlemonsters I also think mn is weird when it comes to stuff like this! No one can ever ask a favour ever without BU and so rude.

I don't find this attitude in real life, not where I live anyway.