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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask this mum if she can help out with the school run?

221 replies

UnderEstherMate · 28/04/2015 20:59

DP and I both work full time, but DPs hours meant that he could do the morning school run and we use after school club. He's just been offered a new job, which means that won't be able to happen any more.

As I do neither the morning nor after school run, I haven't built much of a network of school-mum friends. There is one mum who lives close by, she's around my age and we've been out together with our DCs once recently and my DD went to hers for a play date. She seems really nice and we got on well.

She works full time too, but is able to get her DD in for school in the mornings. WIBU to ask if I could drop my DD to hers in the morning so she can take them both in? And if I'm not BU, how do I go about asking?

(I hope she's not a MNer or I've seriously outed myself!)

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/04/2015 17:34

'I think this is terribly sad.'

I think it's reflective of the fact that few people have a SAHP.

It's a big ask precisely because so many people today have so much on their plates.

debricassartcleary · 29/04/2015 17:44

It's a different world we live in now. I am a SAHM I make some sacrifices to achieve this and it is my lifestyle choice. I can't be relied on to take a working mums children to school.Confused They have benefits for making their choice. They also can't rely on others to fill in the gaps. If 2 working mums want to do swaps then fair enough.

I wholeheartedly stand by you can't rely on others to take your children to school. If someone was in dire straits I would help but not in this situation.

prepperpig · 29/04/2015 17:56

YABU IMO. Its too big an ask. Even if she was a good friend it would be too much to ask. If you ask then there's a good chance that this isn't going to end well and she'll end up resenting you for putting her in a very awkward position and then avoiding you for a long time due to the awkwardness.

You need to advertise for a childminder and in the meantime either you or your DH are stuck with the current arrangement. Did your DH not realise the new role would have different hours? How did he think you'd manage?

missymayhemsmum · 29/04/2015 18:10

Your DP ought to try and negotiate flexible hours so he can take the kids sometimes, and then you could ask your friend if some kind of arrangement might be possible, making it quite clear that you would then be committed to favours in return (such as holiday childcare or babysitting for evenings out) and a contribution to petrol, as DH would really like to take the job. Give her time to think about it, but in an 'asking for her advice to solve your problem' kind of way that leaves her open to say no?

superram · 29/04/2015 18:14

You can pay her, you don't have to be a registered childminder to do less than 3 hours a day (I'm a childminder). I would ask her but make it clear she can say no and give her time to think about it. Can you offer holidays or insets as a trade off?

oddfodd · 29/04/2015 18:20

Something's that occurred to me if you do ask her OP is that she may think you've been cultivating her for exactly this reason. I'm sure you haven't but to go from saying hello for years to playdates and then can-you-do-the-school-run in quick succession might come across that way.

If you do broach it, you should do it in the 'don't suppose you know anyone who might ...' way rather than 'would you be interested in ...' to avoid her thinking you're a user.

But I really recommend you look for a teenager as I said earlier. It's a cost effective way of solving the issue and doesn't blur the boundaries of your burgeoning friendship.

MerynFuckingTrant · 29/04/2015 18:26

I'm a sahm and I wouldn't mind doing this as long as I knew the child and they were well behaved and got on with my children but 7.35 drop off is very early! My boys and me would still be in our pjs just starting breakfast. If she drops her dd at breakfast club though she'll probably be up and almost ready at that time so I think it's worth an ask, as long as you don't get arsey if she can't do it sometimes.

AlpacaLypse · 29/04/2015 18:29

I was part of a three family school run for about six years. It kept working because all the girls involved got on well, and all three of us mums were scrupulous about timekeeping and texting in good time if there was a sickness issue or something. Also everyone did about the same number of runs over the academic year.

Ours was originally set up by our PTA, I know there were several others that worked very well that started the same term as we did.

I like the suggestions of asking her but saying 'go away and have a think before you decide'.

DancingDinosaur · 29/04/2015 18:34

Its ok to ask as long as you are giving equal back.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2015 18:56

Another thing I want to know is why do you have meetings every single day before school? What is so important that it must be discussed every morning?

This strikes me as very poor management/inadequate communication.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2015 19:02

"I am a SAHM I make some sacrifices to achieve this and it is my lifestyle choice. I can't be relied on to take a working mums children to school. They have benefits for making their choice."

We women are very good at making each other pay for our choices, aren't we.
Who needs the glass ceiling of the patriarchy when we make it so hard for each other?

Men got where they are today by supporting each other.

LobsterQuadrille · 29/04/2015 19:10

I've read some but not all of the replies. I sympathise with the OP, having been in a similar situation some years back when I was a (completely) single parent and had to leave at 6.30am to commute to London. I went to the headteacher of DD's school and asked her to investigate to see if anyone would be willing to look after DD from 6.30am until the start of breakfast club for an (obviously) very generous payment. It turned out that there was a SAHM who really wanted some money of her own but didn't want to work during the day - suited us both for several years. No, I didn't vet her but she came with the headteacher's recommendation and we stayed friends.

BrieAndChilli · 29/04/2015 19:10

I help my friend with mornings Due to her childminder moving. It's not every morning and she pays me. It's from 7.30-9 and I have both her children. I work evenings so am able to do school run.
It is fine but I have to make sure I am up and dressed for 7.30 on those mornings, and on a couple of occasions I have been really ill but still had to have them as I would have been leaving her in the lurch
It is only for this school year until our youngest start school as currently go to Playschool together. I don't mind doing it on the whole but probably wouldn't want to commit I 7 years of it and definitely wouldn't do it if I was rushing off to work myself

expatinscotland · 29/04/2015 19:48

'Men got where they are today by supporting each other.'

Men stab each other in the back and kill each other to get one over on the other.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2015 19:49

But they have managed to keep women in their place for hundreds if not thousands of years.

expatinscotland · 29/04/2015 19:50

And again, what is the partner doing to organise childcare, since it's his job offer? Women routinely turn down jobs, go part-time, ask for flexible working to accommodate childcare. It seems here, she is the one in a job with rigid hours stressing herself organising childcare around his work.

Why should a SAHP do this when she has a partner who needs to step up and sort this as well as she is.

expatinscotland · 29/04/2015 19:51

'But they have managed to keep women in their place for hundreds if not thousands of years.'

That's hardly why a SAHP should go around providing free, regular childcare when she or he doesn't want to Hmm.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2015 20:00

You don't find men folding their arms and refusing to support each other based on the idea that they made their bed and now they have to lie in it, which is what women are really good at and which I saw in Debricassartcleary's post. There is something in that attitude that smacks of schadenfreude.

I think a very good example of a man keeping a woman in her place is the OP's DH. She is playing facilitator of his career, when she already has a lot on her plate including ridiculous meetings before school every morning that make it impossible for her to get her own child to school. He has apparently out of the blue set his heart on a job that means something has to give, and it looks like it sure isn't going to be him. He hasn't even bothered finding some way to get his own children to school despite the fact that he has more contact with the other parents than the OP has.

(I would like to know who calls these daily morning meetings and whether this individual has children to care for, make arrangements for, pay for childcare for, etc.)

MissDuke · 29/04/2015 20:07

I am also a bit sad at those saying its their choice for working etc etc. I am all for a bit of community spirit, it takes a village to raise a child etc. Why on earth wouldn't you help someone if you could. I am in a circle of a large group of school mums who regularly help each other out. Also, a neighbour had a baby a few months ago and has a toddler, so I collect her elder child as much as I can to save her bringing the little two out, why wouldn't you? I used to have my friend's child once a week all afternoon, on my one day off. I have had other friends help me with arrangements similar to what you propose. I am all for it personally. If someone isn't prepared to help make life easier for a fellow human being, then I think that says a lot about them to be honest.

I find Debra above's attitude really weird - should working mums point out that they are contributing to the costs of her child's education whilst she is not.....? No, because that would be petty.....

expatinscotland · 29/04/2015 20:12

'You don't find men folding their arms and refusing to support each other based on the idea that they made their bed and now they have to lie in it, '

Haahaaha! You see it all the time among men! Double-crossing each other, stepping on each other to get where they want, conning, lying, taking by force what cannot be had by coercion and trechery, that's pretty much all of mankind's history. 'More fool you for making it easier for me to take what's yours, it shows how weak you are.'

Why stick the daggers into a SAHP, who happens to be a woman, for not giving out regular, free childcare when she doesn't want to, and not the man who has a job offer that conflicts with his childcare duties who doesn't appear to be making the effort to rectify them instead shifting it all to the woman?

expatinscotland · 29/04/2015 20:15

'I think a very good example of a man keeping a woman in her place is the OP's DH. She is playing facilitator of his career, when she already has a lot on her plate including ridiculous meetings before school every morning that make it impossible for her to get her own child to school. He has apparently out of the blue set his heart on a job that means something has to give, and it looks like it sure isn't going to be him. He hasn't even bothered finding some way to get his own children to school despite the fact that he has more contact with the other parents than the OP has.'

Now that is the nail hitting the head.

oddfodd · 29/04/2015 20:18

This discussion is all very interesting but irrelevant to the OP's issue - the other mum also works FT!

And FWIW, I am really happy to help people out - I've collected kids of various friends and neighbours over the years/taken them to school/dropped them home.

But every morning at a fraught time for all the reasons others have said is a lot to ask.

Metalguru · 29/04/2015 20:22

OP yanbu. Ask away, keep it casual, make it clear you would be helping each other out. Ask what you can do to help her and stress you totally understand if she wants to keep things as they are. I was in an almost identical position to your neighbour and would have been overjoyed if someone could have helped me out a bit in the holidays but didn't feel I could ask anyone

bookbag40 · 29/04/2015 20:31

YABU

I don't really understand all the "I'm so sad" posts. Of course most people are happy to do the odd favour for each other but this is not an odd favour is it. This is asking the hapless mum to be responsible for taking your child to school every morning for the forseeable future.

To be honest the issue of getting your child to school is yours and your partners responsibility and should have been something that you considered before he went for the new job. Why would you take a job and then just assume someone else (who has deliberately organised their life/work so that they can take their child to school) will be on call to help you out.

I've done the odd taking kids to school favour when friends other children have been ill and its really quite stressful. You have to get organised to be ready when they arrive then have to heard overexcited kids out of the house, deal with any tantrums from the other child (one refused to put on his coat in mid-winter), make sure they are safe crossing roads, carry bookbags and lunchboxes. Certainly not something I would want to do every day!

Also I don't agree that men help and support each other. They usually get on in life because they manage to be selfish, do what suits them and certainly wouldn't be doing each other favours that are inconvenient to them.

I'm a SAHM. We have made sacrifices for me to do this and I'm not just an easy target for taking people's kids to school, looking after them in holidays.

So no I don't think you should ask. Maybe you could send an email round the school mums saying that you are happy to pay £x per day for anyone who can help out or who has a teenager who can help.

kiwicocktail · 29/04/2015 20:31

YABU.

Someone asked me this favor once and it was a nightmare. It started off as a one off, because the mum was desperate. I was happy to help. Then she was also caught off guard a week later, again, happy to help. The it was twice the week after that, then again the following week, and then (yes it gets worse), she started bringing her DC over without giving her breakfast and expecting me to do it. Towards the end, she was dropping her DC over at 6.50am, without having breakfast, and expecting me to do the lot. Factor in I have multiple DC myself to deal with.

It ended up in a big blow out and it all went sour.

Small favors or simple arrangements can, and often do, go tits up and people get the piss taken out of them, put in an awkward positions, made to feel uneasy and pressurized into doing things they don't really want to do. I certainly felt cornered and felt obliged.

Other mother was genuinely shocked when I put my foot down, and even to this day, she sees no wrong doing in her actions AT ALL.

Sorry, went bit off track there, but I've been stung in similar situations.