Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to go home to a tidy house?

197 replies

GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 12:54

I work ft. we have 4 dc. dp is sahd although two eldest in school and two youngest in nursery until 1pm.

I go home on lunch every day (its only two mins away) and for the past 3 days the place has been a shithole.
no dishes done, cushions discarded on floor from kids playing in morning, just random bits and bobs strewn everywhere, blinds closed and dp sat with his feet up watching a movie.

once in a while is ok. but ffs 3 days in a row!
I am so pissed off, I told him so then left immediately to come back to work.

I do my fair share when I get home from work (in fact responsibility falls on me when I get home)

dp is generally good in that he does laundry, irons etc

but three days in a row to go home at lunch to the bombsite it was left in.

his response: will do it after I pick up kids.

oh yeah, just shunt the kids upstairs to watch tv while you tidy the house. why not do it before they get home so that you can actually do something nice with them (like we originally discussed when agreeing to this plan)

AIBU to be so pissed off and to have walked straight back out?

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 24/04/2015 12:59

he might be depressed

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 12:59

no he is not depressed.

OP posts:
Charlotte3333 · 24/04/2015 13:00

Nope. But I don't think getting cross at DP will help (though I'd have done the exact same thing, but with a few shouty swears for added measure). Can you afford a cleaner to come in once or twice a week for an hour so you can come home to a tidy house? Can you do a rota of what needs doing and when for your DP to follow (my DH is useless at noticing when stuff needs doing; he'll happily step over all kinds of crap the kids leave about and be like "oh, I didn't see it" when I break my neck coming down the stairs to football and rugby kits everywhere).

Charlotte3333 · 24/04/2015 13:01

Also, I'd love to have a DP go out to work, two kids at school and two at nursery while I watched movies three days in a row. But I'm a lazy twat, so can't be held up to normal adult expectations.

Nolim · 24/04/2015 13:01

AIBU to be so pissed off and to have walked straight back out?

Yes yabu. Discuss it rationally and come up with a plan. I agree that doing chores while the kids are at school or nursery is better but with 4 kids it is to be expected to have a few bad days. 3 bad days in a row is not the end of civilization as we know it.

popalot · 24/04/2015 13:02

are there any kids at home or are they all at school?

CheeseandGherkins · 24/04/2015 13:02

If he did tidy in the morning, it would be just as bad again once the kids were back home. It hardly seems worth it sometimes.

I tend to do bits and bobs during the day but, inevitably, the kids mess it up again. The house is usually reasonably tidy by the time dinner is over though.

I think YABU.

SunnyBaudelaire · 24/04/2015 13:03

Actually Goadyfuck, you are v lucky - you work locally and have a SAHD!
Perhaps put up with a bit of mess in this case.

popalot · 24/04/2015 13:04

sorry re read post, 2 at school, 2 at nursery in morning

He should be aiming for an hour of housework whilst the 2 are at nursery, with a break then pick them up.

Or he could consider going back to work part time?

AuntyMag10 · 24/04/2015 13:04

What is the state of the house when you do get in from work? You do know that's it's not that usual to be coming home during your lunch break, so I think getting pissed off without knowing the end result is a bit unfair.

CheeseandGherkins · 24/04/2015 13:04

Or, take a sandwich in and don't go home for lunch. Leave him to get on with it as he sees fit.

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 13:05

bits n bobs would be acceptable.
he seriously has not lifted a finger!
last two days I have come home from work and just started tidying, he said "oh I was going to do that" its 5pm, surely if you were going to then it would be done by now

im only asking the bare minimum. dishes and a wash on

OP posts:
Feckeggblue · 24/04/2015 13:06

Leaving mess doesn't = depressed Hmm

I would be fuming too. He's not a student in a hovel, he should be able to have a quick clear up so the house is at least, not a pig sty (how hard is that?)
This is the main reason I don't think I could have DH be a SAHP

SunnyBaudelaire · 24/04/2015 13:06

just reverse the gender roles here - imagine you were at home feeling a bit shit and idle, and hubby came home at lunchtime and started shouting at you?
Then put your problem on MN and see what response you would get!

Ineedacleaningfairy · 24/04/2015 13:08

Yanbu. He should be doing housework whilst the dc are at nursery.

A cleaner! Why should op pay for a cleaner out of her wage so her lazy dp can sit and watch films?

googoodolly · 24/04/2015 13:08

I think so long as it's tidy at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what state it's in at lunchtime. I mean, you only know it's messy then because you come home, which is unusual in itself, tbh.

Are you perhaps a bit resentful that he gets more free time than you? And time without the DC or work to worry about?

mrsmeerkat · 24/04/2015 13:08

I wouldn't put up with it either.

Two are a school !!!!

Two are in nursery until 1 !!!

Ffs...

He should have your lunch ready, ok take a bit of time for a short break but come on... Ridiculously lazy of him.

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 13:08

sunny. he is not at home feeling shit and idle.
he is at home being lazy.

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 24/04/2015 13:11

Up until 1pm he should be responsible for tidying up and cleaning, 1pm onwards he is on childcare duty, when you get in all chores should be split. That's how I think it should work. What's the point of him being home if you still need to come home and start a full days worth of cleaning.
Sit down tell him you're not happy at all with this. Maybe both of you working, paying for childcare would be a better solution.

Bonsoir · 24/04/2015 13:12

He is clearly a very lazy househusband and parent, OP. He isn't doing you or your DC any good by being such a layabout. He needs to be out at work in a structured setting (much like DC need...) to get anything done. Tell him to get a paid job and employ a nanny to take his place.

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 13:12

googoo. no not resentful at all. I have just come back to work from a two week break...I come to work for a rest Grin

OP posts:
shewept · 24/04/2015 13:13

I would say yanbu, but I some people on mumsnet informed me that it its totally unreasonable to expect anyone to do house work, if they don't want to. Baffled me no end Confused so you might get a mixed response Wink

base9 · 24/04/2015 13:14

DP should go back to work. He needs to make enough money to pay a childminder and a cleaner, who will do the jobs properly. Then you have children who are safe and entertained and a clean house, which is what I would want. If he can't provide that level of service then he can work outside the home and pay someone else to provide it.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 24/04/2015 13:14

I think shouting and walking out was probably the wrong thing to do but yes, I think I would be a little annoyed if I was at work while he had his feet up all morning and planned do the tidying once the DCs were home if that wasn't the deal. As, you say, he should be spending time with them, not the vacuum cleaner.

Could he just not be enjoying being a SAHD but doesn't feel he can say anything? Maybe he'd feel happier with a part time job and you could employ a cleaner?

googoodolly · 24/04/2015 13:16

But can I just ask people, why does it matter if the housework isn't done at lunchtime? So long as he does it at some point, does it REALLY make any difference when? He probably doesn't bother tidying before picking up from nursery because the DC will come home and trash it within minutes.

Makes more sense to do one big tidy up at the end of the day rather than several smaller ones imo.