to want to go home to a tidy house?

[GoadyFuckAaargh]

I work ft. we have 4 dc. dp is sahd although two eldest in school and two youngest in nursery until 1pm.

I go home on lunch every day (its only two mins away) and for the past 3 days the place has been a shithole.
no dishes done, cushions discarded on floor from kids playing in morning, just random bits and bobs strewn everywhere, blinds closed and dp sat with his feet up watching a movie.

once in a while is ok. but ffs 3 days in a row!
I am so pissed off, I told him so then left immediately to come back to work.

I do my fair share when I get home from work (in fact responsibility falls on me when I get home)

dp is generally good in that he does laundry, irons etc

but three days in a row to go home at lunch to the bombsite it was left in.

his response: will do it after I pick up kids.

oh yeah, just shunt the kids upstairs to watch tv while you tidy the house. why not do it before they get home so that you can actually do something nice with them (like we originally discussed when agreeing to this plan)

AIBU to be so pissed off and to have walked straight back out?

12 hours of tv watching a slight exaggeration possibly?

4 hours a day for three days = 12 hours of tv

over 3 days, 12 hours would be about right.
although this was not stated specifically, I guess the pp made an educated assumption

There have been innumerable threads where sahms have said that they're struggling to keep on top of things and the general response was warm, supportive platitudes and encouragement to hand over to Dad when he gets home etc...and reassurance that you can't expect a tidy house all the time as a sahp, everyone has a bad day/week etc and that there's more to life than housework.

But now suddenly the gender is reversed and we won't tolerate cushions on the floor or feet on the sofa? Lol!

Come to think of it, you have a point Meech. Why should the OP give a flying fuck about coming home to a messy dirty house with dog piss all over the floor? Just because the DH is an adult fully capable of cleaning up doesn't mean he should have to after all

I'm a sahm and if my partner came home and went mad at the state of the house at lunch time he'd get told to fuck off. My dc have 2 mornings together at nursery so I have a whole 10 hours a week to myself. Those 10 hours are usually spent napping, mning, shopping etc.
The housework gets done when I want to do it, not when someone tells me to. and if he left me a list he'd be leaving with it firmly inserted into somewhere

reassurance that you can't expect a tidy house all the time as a sahp

And I'm one of the people saying that.

To SAHPs of toddlers and babies.

When your children are out of the house for hours every day, there is no excuse for having 3 such bad days in a row that you leave the house like a shit tip and expect the working parent to live in that filth.

It's just ridiculous.

Childcare for littlies is exhausting, relentless hard work. Finding time to do housework too is a challenge.

Being in an empty house is not any kind of hard work. There is no challenge at all in making a house presentable in four uninterrupted hours.

If it's not done, it's not done because you couldn't be arsed.

If responses to this kind of problem are gendered, it must be because you are more likely to find men prepared to be SAHPs once it's become a cushy number.

Don't go home for lunch? I wouldn't want to see that either.

Sitting about all day in filth while the kids are at school then spending the afternoon cleaning while thy watch TV is shoddy parenting/time management whether male or female. I would hold myself to higher standards than that and I'm female so I don't think it's a gender issue. I'm also as lazy as anyone when I want to be but would never sit in squalor for hours. Yuk.

malicea, I see your point about the tasks being bigger in his head and understand that completely.

however, knowing dp as I do it really was just laziness, and a can't be arsed attitude im afraid (by his own admission also)

I have always come home for lunch, so that I can hand him back the car for 1pm and 3 pm pick ups 3 locations while I am still at work later - so not coming home isn't an option really.

I don't know... my housework efficiency levels are pretty dire, but even I could make a house presentable if I was there alone for four hours.

I wonder if this is why so many people seem to think that being a SAHP is a piece of cake? They're judging it by their own low standards, and seem to think that because they'd spend half the day watching a film while the kids create chaos, that's what all SAHPs do.

In my book, being a SAHP has to mean caring for the kids and providing a routine with a balance of managed activity vs chilling, along with keeping the house ticking over in the way you both agree is acceptable and achievable. It doesn't matter which adult does which, and I suppose is agreed according to who can bring in the most money, together with who wants to do the SAH bit. Neither one is more important than the other, and it really pisses me off when I hear pp on here, usually in the throes of a divorce, accepting their partners' shit that they've "contributed nothing" to the family pot through years of being at home. The SAHP enables the WOTH parent to do so.

I don't have a problem with the watching of films while the kids are out, particularly.

He had plenty of time to clean the house up so it was nice when you came back for lunch and watch a film.

And fair enough, one day of not being able to face the housework. It is really boring.

But 3? In a row? When 3/4 of the children are his?

Fucking pisstake.

If he knows you come home at lunch every day to drop of the car, he must have known you would arrive home to find him watching telly with nothing done? That seems odd behaviour. Does he want you to be upset?

ah good point brandy. its because I came home two days previous to the same situation and said nothing.

genuinely, it didn't bother me enough to say anything on day 1 and 2 but the third day I felt was just a pisstake.

it really doesn't bother me for it to be like that if it's one day a week or whatever.

I see this as a step parenting issue.

I don't think it's surprising that so few blended families work.

So here you have a 4yo who lives with you permanently?
And a 3,5 & 7yo who you have 50/50, every second week, is that right?

Where is the three sdc's mum in this?

Who is getting the cb & ctc?

The difference in mess & work between 1 DC and 4 under 8s is huge!

The 4 yo will be starting school in August? Will DP go back to work then? As I don't see how having the others half time warrents a ft sahp.

Was he working before? How did this situation emerge?

You didn't choose to have 4 DCs in quick succession- I think it's only people who have a high tolerance of mess who do this! So I can see why you are unhappy.

Maybe this is a sign of your long term incompatibility? Are the DCs all happy with your relationship/their family set up?

I think you sound very tolerant! I'd be annoyed if things were messy even one day.
I'm on mat leave at the minute and have 3 children under 5 but still find the time to clean, wash and tidy and play with the children. I would be super annoyed if DH was lazing around all morning.

the situation you describe with the dc Jackie is correct

on the weeks we don't have the dsc they are at mums.

mum gets full ctc and cb - this is another thread tbh and not a fight we are willing to have tbh.

as long as we have the dsc for as much as we can then we are happy. mum has threatened in the past to withhold access when dp makes any kind of demands...it's a tough one really which I don't feel is enough of my business to get too involved (money brings out bad in a lot of people ime)

dp did work ft, we both did - but costs of breakfast club, ft nursery places and after school link club sucked up all dp wages, plus we weren't getting kids until 6pm each evening which created for a chaotic evening what with dinner, baths, bedtime and fitting in all chores etc.

dc all have after extra curricular activites such as dance, footie, tennis and swimming, so it just seemed that one of us stopping work would give us more time and less stress - when we both worked, mornings were unbelievably stressful (thats when I got into the habit of coming home at lunch to tidy up)

I was the higher earner by quite a bit, so naturally I stayed in work while dp stayed at home.

I have been amazed at the dc resilience to the situation, they seem happy and although we have good days and bad days the overall family unit is stable, happy and busy!

oh yes, we have already (and regularly do) discuss our situation regarding the future - we not have a plan for September when dd goes to school yet but this is a conversation to be had.

dp would like to go back to work, but only if it can work in our favour

Perhaps he hadn't noticed the dog wee by the back door?

I'm sorry - have I got this right - he left his coffee cup on the garden table for a morning and you are annoyed by that??

I just need to say that doing endless tidying and housework is the absolute pits if you don't enjoy it!

Too right the answers would be different if the roles were reversed in this scenario.

And PMSL at the poster who suggested he should have your lunch ready for you when you get home.

minty. no way do I expect him to make my lunch. in fact I make them both.

and I feel you are just picking out onr trivial thing I mentioned - I didnt really expect to have to list everything that was in a state, I felt shithole pretty much summed it up. I detailed a few things that (taking all into account) pissed me off.

the house once again is a shithole right now and dp is out all day (to do with his hobby) I will clean the house and sort things and at 1pm I will be joining him with the dc