Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

to want to go home to a tidy house?

197 replies

GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 12:54

I work ft. we have 4 dc. dp is sahd although two eldest in school and two youngest in nursery until 1pm.

I go home on lunch every day (its only two mins away) and for the past 3 days the place has been a shithole.
no dishes done, cushions discarded on floor from kids playing in morning, just random bits and bobs strewn everywhere, blinds closed and dp sat with his feet up watching a movie.

once in a while is ok. but ffs 3 days in a row!
I am so pissed off, I told him so then left immediately to come back to work.

I do my fair share when I get home from work (in fact responsibility falls on me when I get home)

dp is generally good in that he does laundry, irons etc

but three days in a row to go home at lunch to the bombsite it was left in.

his response: will do it after I pick up kids.

oh yeah, just shunt the kids upstairs to watch tv while you tidy the house. why not do it before they get home so that you can actually do something nice with them (like we originally discussed when agreeing to this plan)

AIBU to be so pissed off and to have walked straight back out?

OP posts:

Marynary · 25/04/2015 22:32

Your talking as if he has 12 hours every week. This has happened once. The rest of the time OP has been happy with his contribution.

Marynary · 25/04/2015 22:43

Although given that you think men who don't have jobs should still be catered to hand and foot by women, perhaps you think the OP should post the keys through the letterbox and not bother the man who is having a "day off" on her dime.

When did I say that men who don't have jobs should be catered hand to foot by women. What a ridiculous statement. Obviously it's fair for the SAHP male or female to do most of the housework if the children are at school or nursery. That doesn't mean that they can't decide when to do it though.

Brandysnapper · 25/04/2015 23:05

I'm glad the OP is happy with his contribution, as I'm not! She has said she does the cooking when she gets in at night and any further cleaning - and that he is often away at the weekends doing his hobby. I totally see that a sahp needs autonomy about how they do things, but in this situation the parent has been taking the piss. If it only takes him an hour to clean, and he can fit this in around all the dcs in the afternoon, then why doesn't he do more work, like stick something on for dinner? I fail to see why being a sahp isn't a full time job - I'm sure it is for most, plus the overtime! - but not this guy. Hope he pulls his socks up OP.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/04/2015 08:57

double standards at work again!If it were a husband complaining about his DW being lazy because he comes home to an untidy house, folks would be baying for his blood!

Not if he also did the lions share of the cleaning and all none working hours childcare and food prep they wouldn't

NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/04/2015 09:01

I don't have a SAHP but if I did I would be expecting to be able to carry on as I am now with doing basic stuff and child stuff when I'm not at work with the addition of being able to drop my childcare and cleaning bills.

Surely that's the entire point of financially supporting a fully able to work adult with no baby or toddler who wants to stay at home instead.

Marynary · 26/04/2015 10:38

I think whether or not OP should be happy with his contribution to housework in general is irrelevant because she has said she is happy with it and she hasn't asked our opinion on that.
The debate is on whether a SAHP who normally keeps the house clean and tidy and contributes to the household equally should have the autonomy to decide that they are going to do something other than housework in the morning for three days in a row and that they will do the housework in the afternoon instead.

ClodiaF · 26/04/2015 12:07

aaargh, NYANBU, I have nearly the same problem and god, I feel your pain...;-)

HazleNutt · 26/04/2015 12:30

He didn't do the housework in the afternoon either - he only claimed he was just about to, when OP got home in the evening and started tidying up.

worridmum · 26/04/2015 14:10

FFS the gender shit on here is unreal their has been numerous threads on here with SAHM basically doing 0 house work and thats fine and if husband doesnt like it he can pay for cleaner etc but because its a man he should do it god its so sad that their is accepted sexism to this level in this day and age

Brandysnapper · 26/04/2015 15:39

I am against men OR women taking the piss. I have been on both sides of this myself, and have always pulled my weight whether I was the one at home or out working.

BuriedSardine · 26/04/2015 17:02

Do people really think it's ok to watch movies during the day three days on the trot when they're supposed to be looking after a house and DC?

I don't know anyone who does this unless they are ill.

SylvaniansAtEase · 26/04/2015 17:11

What an absolute pisstaking cocklodger.

It may be temporarily sorted, but you were spot on here OP:

'We're doomed'

Yup.

Because the bottom line is that he is a lazy little shit who is even happy for you to pick up not only his shit, but that of the kids he created too.

So, you feeling like THIS:

'we were supposed to be going out for a drink after work, just one. but now I can't be arsed'

is going to happen more and more often and you will become more and more bitter and less interested in pretending to go along with happy happy times when actually you want to spit in his smug little face.

'I feel like a mug. and he is living the life of riley' - yes you are and yes he is. Discussion notwithstanding.

If you want this to survive, get the little shit out to work.

Marynary · 26/04/2015 17:12

Do people really think it's ok to watch movies during the day three days on the trot when they're supposed to be looking after a house and DC?

I think it's okay to do something other than housework three mornings in a row while the children are at school/nursery. I personally wouldn't watch movies but I might go swimming, shopping or meet up with friends for example. It depends on what you do/how hard you work the rest of the time surely?

BathtimeFunkster · 26/04/2015 17:13

Do people really think it's ok to watch movies during the day three days on the trot when they're supposed to be looking after a house and DC?

Of course not.

They're just trying to pretend that life is really unfair on men.

Marynary · 26/04/2015 17:16

If you want this to survive, get the little shit out to work.

OP has said that this wouldn't benefit them financially as they would have to pay for childcare, child maintenance etc plus she would have to share drop offs/pick ups.

HazleNutt · 26/04/2015 18:05

worridmum or it could be that there are just different people replying to those threads? No, I don't think it's fair either for a SAHM with kids in school to sit on her arse the whole day, waiting for the partner to come home to tidy.

BathtimeFunkster · 26/04/2015 18:25

Why would she be paying for childcare for his children?

This whole set up is a massive pisstake and a little girl is losing out on her mother's time and money so this lazy wanker can live the life of reilly.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/04/2015 19:43

Sexism?

She does most of the housework she works full time she does much more than 50% of the childcare she does most of the food prep.

He watches movies does the school run and leaves dog piss on the floor for her to clean up.

A femail SAHP who didn't want to do all the housework would be told to get her DH to do his fair share -the op of this thread already does the lions share.

She would be told to make her DH pull his weight with child stuff -the op of this thread already does more than her fair share.

When the above stuff is not happening she would be told to make her DH fund a cleaner

She would have got quite a few raised eyebrows when the children's ages were disclosed.

Expecting her to finance the family and do everything else as well is sexism calling her DH a lazy arse is just accurate.

Marynary · 26/04/2015 20:19

Why would she be paying for childcare for his children?

They aren't all his children. Anyway, the point is if he works then childcare will have to be paid. Whether OP pays it or her DP pays it, as a family they won't be better off (according to OP).

NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/04/2015 20:27

Stress and resentment going may be far more beneficial than money

Marynary · 26/04/2015 20:32

OP has previously stated that things were a lot more stressful when he worked full time. She said:

"costs of breakfast club, ft nursery places and after school link club sucked up all dp wages, plus we weren't getting kids until 6pm each evening which created for a chaotic evening what with dinner, baths, bedtime and fitting in all chores etc."

"dc all have after extra curricular activites such as dance, footie, tennis and swimming, so it just seemed that one of us stopping work would give us more time and less stress - when we both worked, mornings were unbelievably stressful (thats when I got into the habit of coming home at lunch to tidy up)"

NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/04/2015 23:01

its astounding how much worse things can be when you feel like you are the only person making a contribution of any kind to your household.

But given that they have spoken he agrees with her it looks like he will be contributing in a fairer way.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8