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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to go home to a tidy house?

197 replies

GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 12:54

I work ft. we have 4 dc. dp is sahd although two eldest in school and two youngest in nursery until 1pm.

I go home on lunch every day (its only two mins away) and for the past 3 days the place has been a shithole.
no dishes done, cushions discarded on floor from kids playing in morning, just random bits and bobs strewn everywhere, blinds closed and dp sat with his feet up watching a movie.

once in a while is ok. but ffs 3 days in a row!
I am so pissed off, I told him so then left immediately to come back to work.

I do my fair share when I get home from work (in fact responsibility falls on me when I get home)

dp is generally good in that he does laundry, irons etc

but three days in a row to go home at lunch to the bombsite it was left in.

his response: will do it after I pick up kids.

oh yeah, just shunt the kids upstairs to watch tv while you tidy the house. why not do it before they get home so that you can actually do something nice with them (like we originally discussed when agreeing to this plan)

AIBU to be so pissed off and to have walked straight back out?

OP posts:
Delatron · 24/04/2015 13:16

He should do some chores but there is a slight relentlessness about tidying everything up, then it getting messed up again when kids from nursey come home at 1 then school kids at 3. It can be quite soul destroying. Especially spending all day picking up cushions!!

Sometimes I wait until 6, stick the tele on and do a solid hour of tidying. If my husband came home at lunch, some days it would be tidy, other days I would be think, sod it, I'll do it later. You should definitely not be expected to do it when you get in though.

Though tidying away breakfast, lunch stuff, dishes, wiping surfaces, laundry should all be done.

AliMonkey · 24/04/2015 13:17

From the title, I was ready to say something along the lines of "do you know how hard it is to keep the house tidy when you are at home with DC?" but with them at school / nursery and knowing the youngest will be home soon it's exactly the time to clean and tidy up! On the two days I am at home, I spend 90% of the day running round getting everything done (and the other 10% on MN while I have lunch, ie now!) so it doesn't have to be done when DC home.

Tidying is one of those never ending jobs so YWBU to expect to come home to a perfect home but YANBU to expect him to have done some of it.

HazleNutt · 24/04/2015 13:17

instead of throwing a strop, try to explain calmly how it makes you feel when you come home to a bombsite while he's just relaxing. I do understand that people are sometimes busy and sometimes just lazy, but it's not like you're expecting the house to be scrubbed from top to bottom, just bare minimum.

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 13:18

aimless. we discuss this often. he is happy being sahd, and by his own admission is lazy.
when we last discussed this we listened to each others POV and came up with our current solution.

I work. he stays at home. he does what he feels like doing but the bare minimum dishes and a wash on plus general surface tidy would be done everyday

OP posts:
HazleNutt · 24/04/2015 13:24

so how much does he generally 'feel' like doing? Just based on what you have posted, does not sound like he's pulling his weight.

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 13:30

hazlenutt. depends really.

a few weeks ago he completely cleared out the garden, skip runs the lot.
other times he will do all washing and ironing and the dishes.

this week he hasn't done anything (and this is the week when mess is at its worst due to his kids staying with us)

OP posts:
Uhplistrailer · 24/04/2015 13:31

What about cleaning of the bathrooms/kitchen etc?

Was it just untidy or was it that those bits hadn't been cleaned.

Tbh, if my kids were coming back after lunch, I probbably would bother to tidy up too much. I would probably clean a bathroom and I would certainly tidy up at the end of the day.

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 13:36

I do the bathroom. beds. hoovering. cook tea.

I would just like if downstairs was reasonably tidy.
but today it was just a bombsite.

I dunno, maybe its just me but I absolutely could not relax (to watch a movie) sitting in that tip.

and I have been known to be a slattern too btw

OP posts:
Totality22 · 24/04/2015 13:41

OH often comes home to a complete tip but I have a 2.5 year old at home full time and a 3 month old who is still demand feeding. I still manage to do the laundry, wash up and run a cloth round the kitchen. This is alongside getting out for a few hours everyday toddler needs wearing out

So no OP you are not being unreasonable.

Totality22 · 24/04/2015 13:45

Eta..... sounds like he isn't pulling his weight full stop.

If my OH was a sahp and had several hours a day with non of the kids I'd expect him to do the lion's share of housework. Vice versa if it was me at home minus any kids.

SnowyPiglet · 24/04/2015 13:46

I would be annoyed too, and probably do what you did, (then feel bad). We both work, but occasionally I am at home alone when dh working, then I feel guilty if I don't do at least the basics, however tired I am (washing up, hoovering, shopping, preparing supper or whatever). It is easy to just sit around, but if you are a partnership you need to share the chores. Try sitting him down and explaining, nicely, over a glass of wine, that he needs to support you.

dietcokeandwine · 24/04/2015 13:47

I'd have felt as you do OP. His attitude would drive me nuts.

But then my view is that if you're a SAHP then you spend the time your partner is at work on household stuff. So, childcare when kids are around, housework or other organisational stuff if they are at school or nursery. Obviously take a break to eat lunch or go to gym or whatever but in essence, whilst they're working, you should be working. I always treat the SAHP role as I would the work I used to do: occasional quick email or surf of internet, fine. Watching tv or sitting on my arse for hours, not fine.

Yes of course kids create mess as they go but it's always going to be more manageable if you tidy as you go along, and with all four kids out till 1pm every day then the very least he should do is get dishes done, kitchen clean and a laundry load done. Seeing a SAHP watching films and acting like a dosspot student would drive me demented.

Unless he is formally depressed then he's being a lazy arse OP. It sounds like he's onto a cushy number and can't be bothered to actually pull his weight properly.

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 13:51

we were supposed to be going out for a drink after work, just one. but now I can't be arsed Sad
I feel like a mug. and he is living the life of riley.
I really don't want to dripfeed but anyone who recognises my name (unlikely) may have seen a couple of recent threads where I just tend to be the glorified childminder/housemaid and cook! (for his dc - 3 are his, 1 is mine - blended family joys)
I am a bit fed up tbh.

OP posts:
Totality22 · 24/04/2015 13:53

Ring a friend and go out for several drinks. He can have the kids!!!!!

FenellaFellorick · 24/04/2015 13:54

I don't blame you.

It doesn't sound like he is doing his fair share. Which is what it's all about.

When you come home and he says I was just about to do that - stop and say oh, ok then, I'll leave you to do it now. And sit down. What would happen if you did that?

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 13:57

fenella. great idea. will do that next time.

I really didnt want to use mn to whinge about my fella. Sad

we're doomed! Smile

OP posts:
Gamache · 24/04/2015 14:03

No UANBU.
I'm a SAHM of 4dc and while I don't see my role as particularly doing all the housework I would definitely do as you've suggested if at home with no dc all morning.

He sounds lazy and not great at being a sahp if he plans on doing the housework when the dc are there when he could do it when they're not.

Agree with pp, get a nanny/cleaner and he goes back to work.

Theoretician · 24/04/2015 14:04

Makes more sense to do one big tidy up at the end of the day rather than several smaller ones imo.

It would make even more sense to one once a week, instead of tidying the same stuff every day.

Of course one could extend the logic to once a month/year/decade until you get to leaving instructions in your will for it to be done once after you're dead.

But in the meantime your house would be a shithole. In particular, every day when you come home for lunch.

The point of tidying is to avoid the experience of living in a shithole, if the OP comes back to that every lunchtime (even if the house is tidied every afternoon/evening) then she isn't getting the benefit of the tidying.

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 14:09

theoretician. ace post! Grin

fwiw. Back when dp did work and the dc were in school/nursery ft then I would start the tidying in the morning before I left for work, then nip home at lunch to finish off.

that way everyone comes home to a tidy house and we can get straight into messing it again.

for me a basic tidy is
beds made
blinds opened
dirty clothes in laundry
towels hung up
toys in toy baskets
dishes done
wash on
surfaces clear

takes 1 hour if at all

OP posts:
Brandysnapper · 24/04/2015 14:12

Lazy bastard. This kind of behaviour is so frustrating.

Bumpsadaisie · 24/04/2015 14:13

I'm at home two days a week. I don't get much done in the way of major cleaning or organising projects on those days (we do those at the weekend as I prioritise spending time with my kids on my free days) but I do keep the show on the road on those days (shopping, meal making, dishes, putting washing away, tidying, school reading and homework (I tend to do a tidy in the middle of the day and again when the kids are in the bath).

My DH gets home late both days and my goal is that things should be fairly in order when he does. (Not that he would really care, but I just think if you don't set yourself a goal you end up in chaos, well I do anyway!)

Our house needs a "how we store everything" makeover, a good clean, and all the kids old and winter clothes need sorting as they are in bags under the bed. I don't manage to get anything major like that done on my days at home but I do manage to do the day to day stuff so that by the end of the day the house is broadly speaking in the same tidyish state it started the day in.

dietcokeandwine · 24/04/2015 14:13

Yes op. That list exactly. It's perfectly possible to achieve all this in a short space of time provided things are kept in a reasonable state.

mrsmeerkat · 24/04/2015 14:15

I think he needs to go back to work op. He might change his ways for a few weeks but it will revert back and may lead to bigger problems and resentment in the long run. My bil is like this and it nearly ruined them.

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 14:17

I mean its just really silly things, like his coffee cup from this morning still out on the garden table, his wrappers discarded beside the bin, not in it, sofa cushions at his feet and dog wee by the back door!

I mean who wouldn't be pissed off by that level of fucking laziness.

I am throwing myself further into a mood....someone say something funny, quick!

OP posts:
diddl · 24/04/2015 14:20

Just breakfast pots waiting to be washed?

Not a big deal imo, they can just as well wait until the lunch ones need doing as well.

How is the house getting so messy if everyone is up & out in the morning?

On these days when stuff hasn't been done by lunch, how is it in the evening?

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