Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to go home to a tidy house?

197 replies

GoadyFuckAaargh · 24/04/2015 12:54

I work ft. we have 4 dc. dp is sahd although two eldest in school and two youngest in nursery until 1pm.

I go home on lunch every day (its only two mins away) and for the past 3 days the place has been a shithole.
no dishes done, cushions discarded on floor from kids playing in morning, just random bits and bobs strewn everywhere, blinds closed and dp sat with his feet up watching a movie.

once in a while is ok. but ffs 3 days in a row!
I am so pissed off, I told him so then left immediately to come back to work.

I do my fair share when I get home from work (in fact responsibility falls on me when I get home)

dp is generally good in that he does laundry, irons etc

but three days in a row to go home at lunch to the bombsite it was left in.

his response: will do it after I pick up kids.

oh yeah, just shunt the kids upstairs to watch tv while you tidy the house. why not do it before they get home so that you can actually do something nice with them (like we originally discussed when agreeing to this plan)

AIBU to be so pissed off and to have walked straight back out?

OP posts:
Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 25/04/2015 11:17

I also think that whatever your role is, within the family unit, you just get on with it. Because everyone contributes to the running of the household and regardless of whether you like it or not it should get done.

I come from the camp of suck it up and do what's necessary. we all have to make sacrifices

OP posts:
MerynFuckingTrant · 25/04/2015 11:22

YANBU
I'm a sahm to a school age and a nursery age child. I do all the housework. DH is really lazy and doesn't even put wrappers in the bin!
I've stopped bringing it up now and just accept it.
From a sahm parent point of view, it's pretty shit cleaning up after people all day long only for it to get messy within minutes of everyone coming home and then you have to do it all again bloody sick of cleaning piss off the floor several times a day because nobody can be arsed to aim properly
I also get no sick days or annual leave. DH doesn't help on his days off because they're his days off not mine apparently. I do far more at the weekend than he does. There are days I just think "fuck it I'm not doing any housework today, I'll watch a film" I didn't get any time off ever when I had under 3s at home so both me and DH feel it's acceptable for me to have a break now and again.

Perhaps you could try and view it as three days of annual leave or something? I do think he's taking the piss a bit though if he does this regularly.

Charley50 · 25/04/2015 11:26

Well it sounds like he has listened to you and will take in board what you said and pull his weight now.
If the house is all nice and tidy when you come home at lunchtime you're happy and there's time for a quickie! Yay! Everyone's a winner. Grin

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 25/04/2015 11:26

meryn. I get what you're saying about the annual leave thing and actually agree.
I had been home for the two weeks previous, where I did all of that stuff while dp was out doing his hobby and also when dp was at home.

so he had in effect already had a two week break iyswim.

but yeah for future instances I suppose I do need to weigh up, time off vs work time before I react

OP posts:
Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 25/04/2015 11:27

charley...how did you know that's the other reason we like to meet at lunchtime Grin

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 25/04/2015 11:49

YOU are only asking the minimum?

What the actual fuck. Reverse the genders. How well would this post go over if you were the one at home, dealing or not dealing with your tasks, and your dh was throwing his weight around like this? How open would you be to suggestions from his friends and coworkers as to just exactly how you should arrange your day and prioritise your task list so as to keep him sweet, poor thing that's been at work all day.

if the current arrangements are that he takes care of the house and you take care of the income, you need to accept that sometimes, things go haywire at his job, just as they do at yours. If you want things done exactly as your prefer on the schedule you think is best, swap roles.

Marynary · 25/04/2015 11:55

I don't think that having a SAHP in a relationship can really work if the out of house parent comes home at lunch time every day and gets irate if the SAHP hasn't done housework in the morning for three whole days in a row. I would find that really stifling. If he normally does housework and the house is normally in an okay state, I think you need to get off his back and stop being so controlling about what he does with his time.

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 25/04/2015 11:55

momagain. what the actual fuck? really?

its not just I take care of income and he takes care of house. its not as clean cut as that or haven't you rtft?

I take care of income, yes. and all that comes with it but I also do all the cooking, cleaning etc when I get home from work until the kids are in bed and then I do our dinner.
All I ask is that the house ticks over nicely while he is at home when dc are at school and I sort out the rest when I get home.

imo its the height of fucking laziness to sit in your own squalor for three days running.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 25/04/2015 11:58

are you suggesting I fund dps lifestyle then, and take care of his dc?

in anycase, dp agrees with me so that's all that matters.

a resounding Yanbu Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 25/04/2015 12:16

at weekends I also do the cooking, cleaning and on weekends like this when my dd is at her dads then I still do all of this while dp does his hobby (both days) and I am at home or off out entertaining the dsc

OP posts:
Jackieharris · 25/04/2015 12:17

A guy would have to be a total saint for me to take on him and his 3 young DCs half the time, not even getting any cb/ctc.

I don't like doing housework for my own DCs, no way I'd be doing it for someone else's esp as they already have 2 functioning parents.

Imo he has too much baggage to be able to create a happy family life. (The issues with the ex and money are only likely to get worse)

I think this is a very different situation than the typical sahp of 4.

Marynary · 25/04/2015 12:27

at weekends I also do the cooking, cleaning and on weekends like this when my dd is at her dads then I still do all of this while dp does his hobby (both days) and I am at home or off out entertaining the dsc

You should come to a different arrangement about the distribution of housework if you don't think it is fair though rather than dictating when you want things to be done.

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 25/04/2015 12:34

no Mary, we both agree in whats fair and I always do what I need to do.
I dont dictate, if I was to dictate then id like him to clean the toilet while im at work, but he hates that job so I do it Smile
same with bins, he does them cos I hate it.

we both agree on what should be done, I suppose I was just annoyed that he didnt keep his end of the bargain for 3 days solid.

all sorted now

OP posts:
Marynary · 25/04/2015 12:48

no Mary, we both agree in whats fair and I always do what I need to do.
I dont dictate, if I was to dictate then id like him to clean the toilet while im at work, but he hates that job so I do it

You are dictating when he should clean though if you are angry that he hasn't done housework for three mornings in a row considering that you are normally happy with how much housework he does. I think that most SAHP would be outraged if their partners complained about the fact that they had decided not to do housework for three mornings in a row.

Marynary · 25/04/2015 12:49

no Mary, we both agree in whats fair and I always do what I need to do.
I dont dictate, if I was to dictate then id like him to clean the toilet while im at work, but he hates that job so I do it

You are dictating when he should clean though if you are angry that he hasn't done housework for three mornings in a row considering that you are normally happy with how much housework he does. I think that most SAHP would be outraged if their partners told them when they should and shouldn't do housework.

Original poster
GoadyFuckAaargh · 25/04/2015 12:53

ok when you put it like that then yes its dictate.

but. dp told me what he was happy to do and that he would do that on a daily basis.

on this occasion for 3 days he did not do as he 'dictated' that he would do.

first day I was fine, second day I was also fine, third day I felt I had to remind him of iur agreement.

OP posts:
Jackieharris · 25/04/2015 13:10

If you're not getting equal amounts of free time to indulge in hobbies etc then I don't think it's a fair relationship. He's the one with more DCs, therefore I'd expect him to be doing more than you.

He's having his cake and eating it.

Marynary · 25/04/2015 13:10

but. dp told me what he was happy to do and that he would do that on a daily basis.
on this occasion for 3 days he did not do as he 'dictated' that he would do.

You were complaining that he didn't do it in the morning though i.e. he had the nerve to decide he would do it in the afternoon.

It all seems very constrained and I would feel really stifled by such an arrangement but if you are both genuinely happy with it I suppose that it what matters..

Brandysnapper · 25/04/2015 13:19

Mary you are missing the point that the dp has children with him in the afternoon, so doing housework then impacts on them.
If my boss caught me on youtube once at work there would (I hope!) be no problem. If it happened three days in a row and no tasks where being done I'd be in the shit.

Marynary · 25/04/2015 13:26

Mary you are missing the point that the dp has children with him in the afternoon, so doing housework then impacts on them.

It won't impact on them if it is only an hours worth of cleaning. They probably need a rest for that time if they have been at nursery all morning.

CapnMurica · 25/04/2015 13:27

I'm in an almost identical situation so I think YANBU!

My DH has tried getting a job but there's nothing out there. Every so often he'll have a flurry of tidying but mainly the bare minimum is done. He does do stuff when I ask though.

I bite my tongue though coz tbh I would be the same if situations were reversed. I would not make a good SAHM.

sanfairyanne · 25/04/2015 13:49

its just 3 days

i did that last week
it was fun

i'd be out when dh came back for lunch if he was being a pain in the arse about it

HazleNutt · 25/04/2015 15:07

So OP works the whole day, and takes over the housework, dinner etc when she gets home. While DH has the whole morning for himself to sit on his arse and relax, and then evening when OP is home as well? Did I get this right? And people say OP is too demanding expecting the bare minimum to be done?

Marynary · 25/04/2015 15:26

HazleNutt No you didn't get it right. Nobody has said that it is okay for a SAHP to lounge around all day so that their DPs have to do everything when they get home from work. The OP has said her DH does normally do the housework so that isn't the issue. She is angry because for three days she has come home at lunchtime and he hasn't yet done the housework because he is saving it for the afternoon. Some people e.g. me think that is a little bit controlling.

HazleNutt · 25/04/2015 15:32

he knows she comes home for lunch though - it's very inconsiderate of him to leave the whole breakfast mess, not to mention the dog piss. As someone else said, in theory he could just claim that he's saving up all the housework and will do it all once a week, but that's not how it works.

Of course, I'm probably biased, as DH was a SAHD with DC1. I would not have been impressed in a similar situation either.