"You've lost weight"

[BigBirthdayGloom]

I know that folks are giving what they believe to be a compliment, I know it's kindly meant. And, in my case, it's true. But I have never moaned about being a stone overweight, I'm not on a diet, and the message it conveys to me is "you looked overweight and not that great before and now you look a bit better". I am pleased to have lost weight, although its a side effect of medication, but it's really not something that I think about much. "You look great" or even no comment about my looks at all are much more straightforwardly positive. Or am I just a misery?

Spot on bumbling. The reason I'm pleased with my weight loss at the moment is because my clothes look better and because I'm getting healthier. I genuinely don't want to have attention drawn to the fact that I was overweight and remain so. I do however, like being told I look nice (shallow?) and if they think I look better because of the weight loss, just say I look nice rather than thinner.

duplodon
There is, fascicle, but interestingly the outcomes for commercial programmes (which are dire long term) are better than one on one consultation with healthcare professionals in most cases.

I wonder what the consultations within the surgery entailed. If all they had to offer was advice on dieting, I'm not surprised they weren't very successful. I was really disappointed by the Radio 4 programme. Susan Jebb is considered an expert in her field but I think her ideas are outdated. She seems to focus too much on dieting; controlling calorie intake; getting the industry to modify its products and be clearer on providing nutritional information. I think she's barking up the wrong tree.

For many people, the idea and practice of dieting and having to control your diet is too hard. The idea of making small changes (doable and not threatening) to achieve health improvements would be much simpler and more effective. If GP practices are going to offer interventions of any kind, why not put on some talks by inspiring people and invite (not compel) all/any patients to attend. Rather than clamp down on the food industry, the government should incentivise workplaces to allow time and provide facilities for employees to exercise at work. The government could also focus on making cultural changes in our society that give people easier access to a healthier lifestyle. Lecturing/nagging people is unlikely to work: you can't force motivation upon people; they have to want to do something themselves.

yanbu. I feel this way about my hair. People comment how good the cut looks & all I can think is "Just how awful did my hair look before..."

YANBU.

'Skinny' people get this too. When DH and I returned to his home country for our first wedding anniversary I was about 6 months pregnant. Everyone kept telling me "oh you look so much better with a bit more weight. You were too skinny before!" That was a bit like saying I didn't look good on my wedding day... Now that I'm back to pre-preg weight I expect they will talk about that when we go back there on our summer holidays this year.

People will always find a reason to remark about women's bodies, regardless of what they look like. Society is so fixated on it.

Society is so fixated on it.
and always has been - since the beginning of recorded history.
Its nothing new.
It will never stop
so let it wash past.

Talkin Do you always think like that about things you don't like? That if they've been around for a long time they will never change, so there is no point getting worked up? Good thing the Suffragettes, Malcolm X and Nelson Mandela didn't feel the same way ;)

robotic
its always happened : does not make it right
do I tolerate sexist / ageist comments aimed at me : no of course not

BUT
for the long term benefit of humanity, acceptance of obesity has to stop
its simple
and has NOTHING to do with racism
its about health not looks

I think comments about weight are uncalled for, full stop. You never know what's going on with someone which might affect their weight. I had bulimia as a teen and was very thin, so I try to avoid weight-related chat in general as it brings back bad memories, but it can be so hard to avoid.

I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder a few years ago and lost three stone. I couldn't eat and I felt suicidal. Female friends would swoon over how 'great' I looked and ask what my secret was. Male friends would take me aside and ask if I was ok. Close friends and family knew what was going on and avoided mentioning it. I was put on meds and put the weight back on and then some. I'm now officially overweight and, though that's tough on my brain sometimes, I'm so grateful to be well now (touch wood). When people at work who look absolutely fine to me call themselves heifers, it makes me want to scream, don't you see how lucky you are? I have to bite my tongue and keep my cool.

I wish the whole world didn't think women's bodies were fair game for analysis.

what about a man whose weight has changed?

But there's the thing. People don't remark on other people's weight as a comment on their health. They comment on their looks.

And sometimes what people perceive as looking good isn't actually a sign of good health but of ill health eg the people on this thread who have been complimented on their weight loss when actually they have been ill or grieving.

My FIL had chemo a few years back and the steroids he was given at the time caused him to pile on weight (he was previously very very slim). You wouldn't have known to look at him that he had cancer (he was bald even before the chemo), so a passing acquaintance could easily have thought he had 'let himself go'. He's slim again now, and alive, which is even more important. Without the drugs he wouldn't have gained weight but he probably wouldn't have survived either.

We're kidding ourselves if we think that people commenting on other's weight are doing it out of concern for their health.

I

Absolutely.

I also know of no positive evidence that commenting on someone's obesity is an effective spur to long term changes in health behaviour.

I am more likely to compliment someone by saying "that colour you're wearing really suits you" because it isn't something personal, ie related to someone's shape size or health situation, but it is positive and can make someone feel you think they have good taste.

I wouldn't even say something "personal" to my closest friend who I've known since school. It's too invasive and risks offending, so I just don't.

I guess I just have different friends.

When I was losing weight quite rapidly, one of my (not very close but very caring) gym friends pulled me aside to check I was OK
her worry was that my marriage might be in trouble as that is a common cause of weight loss.

We all see each other in the changing room all the time and weight changes are - unless stated as deliberate - assumed to be linked to stress and thus immediately a matter of comment.

Most of us are too old to give a shit about the fashion industry stuff

and sorry but I categorically and utterly disagree that commenting on size is wrong.
That sort of head in the sand attitude is why we have an obesity crisis.

see posts up thread on exactly this point.
Round and round.

Yes but would you walk into in a pub and say to someone Dont drink too much You will damage your liver.

Would you walk up to someone in the street and say "You shouldnt be smoking"

Because if you wouldnt its just bullying dressed up as faux concern for health.

I have lost weight breastfeeding, and am just a tiny bit thinner than I'm comfortable with. I feel a bit uncomfortable when people compliment me on it because it implies that they will also notice and think I look less attractive when, as is likely, I return to my normal weight (which is still within healthy BMI!)

Im a size 14 down from a size 28.

So ive been there. I have a friend who is a size 6/8 who is a heavy smoker and drinker and is in her late thirties.

She is currently in hospital having had a heart attack. But no one has ever commented on how much she drank or smoked. Because these addictions are not visible to the eye.

Its about the aesthetic not health. That is the real reason behind the faux concern.

You offer absolutely no actual evidence or even argument as to why commenting on size has led to the obesity crisis, or might resolve it, apart from quoting Susan Jebbers on the radio when her own team's actual research doesn't necessarily support this approach. I agree with fascicle that much of what she said is outdated in many ways.

There's nothing 'head in the sand' about questioning whether saying to someone 'you're fat and that's bad for you, so lose weight' is actually an effective means of getting someone to make behaviour changes that lead to lasting change and better health. If this sort of thing worked, most fat people would be skinny little rakes. Very few people who are obese are unaware that they are obese or of the fact it's not good for their health and life-limiting.

I also agree when the average person comments, they don't give two hoots about health - they are absolutely only commenting on looks and placing the value of weight loss on the superficial rather than longstanding health outcomes.

I'm with duplodon. Your idea of more comments is not a good one, TalkinPeace.

People already make comments to/about overweight people.

What are the chances that:

Those comments will be news to the individual (if indeed they are overweight), and will spark some sort of epiphany?

Those comments will be well chosen, appropriate, knowledgable, sensitively delivered, come with the offer of ongoing support for any lifestyle changes the recipient cares to make?

Those comments won't have a negative, undesirable effect (e.g. prompt comfort eating, long-term yo-yo dieting, or trigger disordered eating)?

A better strategy is to ensure that everyone has plenty of access to information, resources and, if desired, support to enable them to make good lifestyle choices/improvements. I think it's generally accepted that successful change comes from finding your own motivation; making your own decisions and not having them forced upon you.