"You've lost weight"

[BigBirthdayGloom]

I know that folks are giving what they believe to be a compliment, I know it's kindly meant. And, in my case, it's true. But I have never moaned about being a stone overweight, I'm not on a diet, and the message it conveys to me is "you looked overweight and not that great before and now you look a bit better". I am pleased to have lost weight, although its a side effect of medication, but it's really not something that I think about much. "You look great" or even no comment about my looks at all are much more straightforwardly positive. Or am I just a misery?

I think doctors might steer very clear of telling anyone within a healthy bmi to lose weight. They walk a narrow path between needing to tackle genuinely unhealthy weights, with statistically acknowledged health risks and the opposite risk that women particularly will start to mistrust a recognised measure of healthy weight range and start heading towards unhealthy weight loss. I know the dangers of carrying weight round the middle, but if I can feel a little bigger than an aesthetically "perfect" weight and ask a health professional for an honest opinion and be told I don't need to worry on health grounds then I think that should do. My parents have always been obsessed with weight and absurdly, when I was a size ten to twelve my mum used to sympathecally tell me I was big built and shouldn't worry. I'm absolutely not saying that's where you are, talkin and mildly, but I think it's a very big risk that a lot of women will continue to lose weight in an unhealthy, dieting fashion when they could be eating a healthy diet, being in the healthy range but not being skinny.

Dieting has been said so many times to be unhealthy and ultimately unsuccessful and it is the way so many women achieve weights that they would never naturally settle at.

Anyway-I am hoping to be at a healthy weight in due course. That doesn't equate with it being a current concern or wanting it to be anything other than a personal concern!

Although, I guess bmi is helpful in guiding those who want to be slimmer for aesthetics in making sure they stop before they're unhealthily underweight.

The numbers of critically underweight in the UK like the lady I saw in Sainsbury's yesterday are infinitessimal compared with the overweight

treacle
I guess its an age thing though.
Among my friends / cohort / demographic the celebrity culture is an irrelevance
we are obsessed with fitness rather than weight

• when you see friends getting parkinson's and MS and dementia , looking after your health becomes a lot more real

Yep-I guess you're right. I guess what I conclude from all of this is that weight is important but personal. I am totally in support of health professionals being more pro active but I stand by my original point that I'd sooner my friends steered clear of it as a compliment. And that for me, health and fitness are the goal, with weight being a side effect rather than a goal. love mumsnet-I could never have such a debate in real life.

I wasn't really referrring to people being underweight either though. I meant women, who are a perfectly healthy weight, feeling under social pressure to lose weight, or to pretend to be trying to lose weight, because that's 'the done thing'.

For a woman to say 'I'm happy with my weight', even when they are already slim, is almost unheard of. It's like everyone needs to join in this game of 'oh, I shouldn't eat that, I'm being good' etc etc.

I calorie count, I exercise, I watch what I eat. I'm pretty determined to remain a healthy weight. But I don't talk about it, certainly not to people who are just acquaintances. If I want to eat a piece of cake, I don't think I should feel some moral obligation to apologise publicly for my 'sin'.

Cross posted with Talkin

I agree definitely. As I've got older I see my weight as much more a health issue and much less of a vanity issue.

And that culture leads to people yo yo dieting and becoming gradually heavier over the years.

The issue isn't that dieting at a healthy weight will make you anorexic. The issue is it will likely make you heavier over time.

I would never have tipped into the overweight category if I had never dieted. It totally messed up my relationship with food and with 'treats'. I had a BMI of 22 before I ever dieted. It only went down to 20 but that change has led to it yo yoing back and forth over the years, and brought my BMI to 29 after my second child and a year of antidepressants. Now I look back and laugh that I thought I was so 'fat' with a BMI of 22 at 5 foot 9.

whereas I first dieted age 35 when the doc told me I needed major surgery cos I was too fat

before that I'd been kidding myself

I lost weight, avoided the surgery and enjoy food a great deal, just not every meal of every day

Bigbirthday
I'm glad you have found the thread constructive : these issues need to be discussed and if airing the viewpoints helps you get to and stay at happy weight for the rest of your life, that is a good thing.

My happy weight is about three pounds lighter than I am now. And if I drank less I'd hit it more often than once a term. Oh well.
I know what I need to do to stay at or near happy weight for the rest of my life as my calorie needs decline which is fine by me.

You never noticed you were heavy until your GP told you... or, the threat of major surgery encouraged you to make changes?

There are so many individual differences, but I'm dubious that commenting someone is fat will make much difference. Much of what I've read in the behavioural medicine field indicates that when people shift to valuing their health and vitality and the importance of this in their lives, they are motivated to change. Scare tactics and shaming have less success long term than engaging people in how these changes will benefit them. One of the reasons people facing major health complications due to smoking or obesity change is not because they are scared of dying, it's because they want to live. That difference may seem minor, but given human beings' propensity to avoid aversive, scary things, there's good reason to believe positive motivation is more likely to lead to success than terror and shame tactics. If a HCP can be compassionate and engaging, they can support healthy choices. If they are just going to Iecture.. well, there's quite a lot of evidence in health and behavioural psychology that's not usually going to work unless someone is already primed to change.

I know where you're coming from op, I've recently lost 2.5 stone and have had people saying things like oh you must feel so much better now which makes me feel like I was enormous or something and the best one was oh you've lost weight you look great, are you going to lose a bit more though?!

I probably need to lighten up too but I think weight is a personal thing, some people like to receive compliments if they've worked hard to lose it, some don't, but I guess people don't always know that and they are just trying to be nice.

duplo
Not GP, specialist. I was given an ultimatum. Lose 3 stone PDQ or have a knee replaced. I lost the weight and 15 years on still have my own knee (pic on my profile)

I had fallen for the con of clothes size inflation and elasticated waistbands.
Looking back I looked crap but I kidded myself that I could still get into a size 14 so was OK.

Once I lost the weight and realised that my knees would not hurt every day for the rest of my life, avoiding pain became a rather good motivation.

Lots of overweight people are in chronic pain.
If they lost the weight a lot of the pain would go.

Wait, you were a size 14 and a specialist told you to lose three stone or have major knee surgery and by losing weight you avoided surgery? Were you actually overweight at the time? Is that usual? I think the evidence on overweight as opposed to obesity isn't unequivocal in terms of health benefits e.g. some in this range are quite healthy. Again, there's a lot of individual difference.

I'm really glad you lost weight in a way that improved your health and well-being. I doubt you looked 'crap' because you had a BMI of 25 though, even if you prefer how you look at a lower weight.

duplo
I am 5'5. at 12 1/2 stone my BMI was 28 - and I was in pain most days.
For my frame, any BMI over 22 is not good.
I stay light so that I reduce my risk of chronic pain and chronic disease.

Remember that the upper limit of healthy BMI for all but white people is now 23, not 25

Modern clothes sizes are a lie and a bad joke.
A modern size 14 is what was a size 18 in the 1970's - its HUGE

in Asda clothes I am age 12 because all of the adult clothes are too baggy.
In Sainsburys I would be a size 6 if they did size 6
In normal brands I'm an 8
My favourite 25 year old pair of jeans are a size 10

Ignore the clothes size and consider the visceral body fat. THAT is what matters.

I was size 16-18 but could fit into some size 14, and was 14 stone - I'm 5 ft 3. Again somewhat kidding myself and had a health scare which kick started my motivation.

YANBU. It's an uninvited personal comment. Is it OK for someone to say 'you've put on weight?'. No. Same difference.

Is it OK for someone to say 'you've put on weight?'. No.
It should be OK.
Please read the whole thread.

I have read the entire thread! It hasn't changed my opinion though. How rude to assume I don't know my own mind.

I genuinely don't like people making personal comments about appearance and don't do it myself.

I've also been around for the whole thread and I don't think it's okay to say "you've put on weight" as part of normal conversation. Someone super close to you and who is actually concerned for you might, I guess. However, I do think that a health care professional should say something if they are concerned that a) you've put on weight and b) they now think that you are either at an unhealthy weight or that the weight gain suggests something else, mental or physical isn't right. And I'd also support stronger advertising and pushing of the "get to and stay at a healthy weight" message.

Mostly, I maintain that weight comments are meant as a pleasant "you look great" comment, not as a "thank goodness you're getting healthier one" and so I'd still rather not get them.

There are loads of other ways to express "you look great" that don't hark back to weight.

It's generally not a good idea to comment that someone has put on weight. It's not likely to be helpful (or even news) to the individual and may have the opposite to its intended effect. That said, I was under the impression that doctors/medical professionals do raise the subject of weight with patients, especially if it relates to their current medical issues. I recall a thread on here some time ago, where a poster was reluctant to visit her GP because she knew he would bring up her weight. Clearly there is a danger that people may be put off raising important medical issues if they think they will also receive criticism for their weight. It's a delicate subject and whilst some GP's have a good 'bedside manner', some of them are lacking in sensitivity.

I listened to the Radio 4 programme with Susan Jebb. She talks well, but why is she talking about the merits of interventions for patients using 'commercial providers'? I thought there was a consensus that weight loss classes are not effective for most people in the long-term, hence the number of repeat customers.

There is, fascicle, but interestingly the outcomes for commercial programmes (which are dire long term) are better than one on one consultation with healthcare professionals in most cases. This has come from her research team... So actually we are a long way off having definitive evidence about how HCP's should address these issues. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which is a sister to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has some promising evidence in this area but there is a lot to be done.

Well I will go against the grain here and say I agree. I am considerably overweight and on the occasions that I have managed to lose quite a bit of weight (3-4 stone) the worst bit is when people mention it. I actually don't want people to notice. I know that sounds mad but it is true. I find it excruciating to discuss weight or diets in any way and people generally ask "how did you do it"? which I don't want to talk about. In my considerable experience of losing (and gaining back) weight, there is no guaraatee the weight will stay off so the next time I see the person, I am as likely to be 3-4 stone heavier again. Also people always have some comment to make or judgment about how I have done it

Spot on