"You've lost weight"

[BigBirthdayGloom]

I know that folks are giving what they believe to be a compliment, I know it's kindly meant. And, in my case, it's true. But I have never moaned about being a stone overweight, I'm not on a diet, and the message it conveys to me is "you looked overweight and not that great before and now you look a bit better". I am pleased to have lost weight, although its a side effect of medication, but it's really not something that I think about much. "You look great" or even no comment about my looks at all are much more straightforwardly positive. Or am I just a misery?

oh yes I had a 'friend' at school like that flanjabelle. I think she only hung round with me to make her look slimmer. And she was obsessed, non stopp comments about how I had lost weight - I hadn't - and about what clothes I should wear etc.
Some women are just fucked up from their brainwashing.

bil has actually commented on it infront of her, saying how I'm doing so well and look great, and she pointedly said nothing, not A word and had A sour look on her face. Sad really as whenever she has been going to the gym and losing weight I have told her she looks fantastic and so healthy etc. Ah well.

I lost 12 pounds and loved that people commneted on it at the weekend. Yabu

Flabby you might want to rethink your username then!!

'You look great' sounds like a winning compliment to me.

Of course you can 'win', Confused. If someone has talked endlessly about dieting in your company, and made it clear they are unhappy with their current body and on a diet, they are likely to welcome an approving recognition they have lost weight - IF, that is, it is a compliment you want to pay. You might feel that women are socialised to care far too much about thinness and that you don't want to fuel the idea that someone's self-esteem is based on their weight.

But if someone has never mentioned their weight to you, and has shown no indication that their weight is an issue to them, then assume that their body size is a private matter, and - should you feel the need to compliment them on their appearance - a 'you look nice' is a better alternative. Not everyone is longing to have their weightloss noticed and remarked upon. Some people find it presumptuous or are uncomfortable with the idea that you've been watching and judging their body size.

Squoosh said it more succinctly.

I always think 'was I fat in your brain?'.

This. I lost quite a bit of weight about 10 or 8 years ago through calorie counting and exercise and I was fairly open about it, and having talked about it was pleased when people noticed.

Then I stayed the same for about 6 years and people still kept commenting that I'd lost weight.

Then the same thing happened again about 3 years ago, I lost weight through calorie counting and exercise and didn't make a huge fuss about the calorie counting but I did mention the exercise, people commented, I liked it, I stayed the same for a long time as I am now, and people still say "oh, you look like you've lost loads of weight".

So I assume I'm still the 3 1/2 stone heavier that I was 10 years ago, in their heads.

I never pass comment on someone's weight - I think it's impertinent. I've also seen a dear friend with terminal cancer repeatedly congratulated on her weight loss by numpties - that put me off for life. Weight loss can often be caused by illness or health issues.

Yanbu. I don't like this either. Makes me feel under pressure to stay at the thinner weight. Having had two babies in three years my weight has fluctuated so for me it's a non-story whether I gain or lose weight - all part of nature's plan. I never hear men getting this particular compliment...

I've lost seven stone over the past year so obviously my appearance has changed a lot. I sort of expect everyone to be shocked and comment on it when they see me for the first time in ages because it's such a massive difference. It's not like I've lost a few pounds, I've lost a whole (very petite) adult ffs! But I don't expect people I see regularly to bring it up time and time again, especially since I've been a 'healthy weight' for a good few months now so they've had time to get used to it. My mother brings it up all of the time though, she even did the whole "don't be losing anymore weight, don't want you getting too skinny" thing . Thats when it gets tedious to me, when people are insistent on mentioning the weight loss almost every time they see me but I'm not remotely offended to be told I look great because I do , I was huge and miserable before and now I'm healthy and happy so compliment away!

Having said that, when I was about ten or eleven a (admittedly weird) family friend commented on how great I was looking and asked if I'd lost weight . I was mortified and definitely took it as "you were chubby/fat before but now you've lost weight you look a lot better!". I hadn't lost any weight that I was aware of, I was never fat to begin with and was a child ffs! It definitely made me self conscious about my weight for a good couple of years.

It's probably more offensive if you actually haven't lost any weight and someone says it or maybe if you've unknowingly lost a few pounds but weren't fat to begin with. But if you have lost quite a lot you kind of have to expect it for a while.

I have lost the kind of weight where people I don't know (but who live in my area) stop me in the street to ask me how I did it.

I never, ever give unprovoked comments on people's weight. For one thing, I'm painfully familiar with the "fatter in people's minds" phenomenon, where if you're very overweight, people remember you as essentially spherical (your main feature is your size) so when they see you in RL and you're human-shaped, they assume you've lost weight, and that of course the biggest compliment you can pay a fat person is "have you lost weight?"

The thing about people's weight, especially women's, is that it's often tied up with so many emotions. It's not just a physical thing.

I'm happy to say 'yay well done' to someone who's vocal about their weight loss otherwise I just keep it zipped and limit my compliments to a general non weight related one.

The thing is, Confused, it is an observation, but a loaded one. It implies there was excess weight to be lost, and that therefore the losing is a good thing - great if that's true! Not so great if you haven't lost any, didn't think you needed to, and now think oh, that person sees me as someone who needs to lose weight.

It's kinda like, 'Oh, your teeth look much whiter'. When you had no idea they appeared yellow. As opposed to, say, 'Oh, you've gone blonde!', when you've dyed your hair.

(I guess if someone's lost a huge amount, and it was recent, and you know it was deliberate and not because they've been ill, you'd be safe. A lot of 'ifs' though.)

I have an auto-immune disease that is treated with steroids. My weight varies by a stone and a half.
I am thinner when I am ill and heavier when on steroids and feeling better.
Being thin means I can't bloody breathe and do day to day tasks.
I get fed up of people telling me how much better I look when my weight drops.
I feel crap, actually and when fatter can actually do things.

Well surely saying "You look great" to someone who has lost weight (whether intentionally or not) is still 'loaded'. The recipient of the comment obviously knows they've lost weight so what's to stop them thinking "Oh so you're saying I didn't look great before when I was carrying more weight? ".

Personally I'm quite happy for people to notice and comment if I've shifted a bit of timber.

I have a friend who has lost eight stone. It has transformed her life. But it has started to annoy her, and now that she's pointed it out, me, that she is constantly having to talk about how much better she looks, and getting comments on how awful she looked, when actually the really important thing is how much it has improved her health.

It's also more gendered than we think. There were three male superlosers in her slimming group. When they get complimented, it is on the basis of their achievement. Interesting, isn't it?

Totally with you OP. I have dropped 2 dress sizes in the past year or so. I suffer from depression and anxiety and am coming to terms with some dark family stuff. As part of managing it, I am eating really well, cutting back on alcohol and sugar and exercising regularly. Hence the weight loss.

I loathe it when people mention it, especially in front of others. I'm a private person and I don't share my troubles at work so it feels really intrusive. Even when I tell people that I've not been well, they just keep harping on about how much weight I've lost and how many stones and how did I do it, and what's my secret blahblahblah. If you raise it with someone and its clear they don't want to talk about it, wouldn't you just back off?! I do feel better but still have dark days and my weight loss comes from a very sad dark scary place and I do not want to talk about it.