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Original poster

"You've lost weight"

218 replies

BigBirthdayGloom · 19/04/2015 22:20

I know that folks are giving what they believe to be a compliment, I know it's kindly meant. And, in my case, it's true. But I have never moaned about being a stone overweight, I'm not on a diet, and the message it conveys to me is "you looked overweight and not that great before and now you look a bit better". I am pleased to have lost weight, although its a side effect of medication, but it's really not something that I think about much. "You look great" or even no comment about my looks at all are much more straightforwardly positive. Or am I just a misery?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/04/2015 00:07

takemeuptheeiffeltower I realise that but surely you can understand that whether you make 'bad' or 'good' choices regarding weight/exercise/food, they're all your choices to make?

Therefore, I think it's best to leave weight (either losing or gaining) completely out of any potential compliment.

takemeuptheeiffeltower · 20/04/2015 00:09

It's human nature though.
Gaining weight is seen as negative.
Losing a bit of weight and getting closer to the ideal BMI is seen as positive.

So, people think they are giving you a compliment by saying:
'Have you lost weight?'

I get what you're saying though.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 00:18

not human nature tbh

WorraLiberty · 20/04/2015 00:27

Finding a mating partner 'fit and attractive' is every bit human nature.

It goes right back to caveman/cavewoman days.

It was all about survival of the fittest back then.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 00:33

oh yes that bit is human nature.
But this obsession with being as thin as possible is not.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 00:34

and talking about survival of the fittest, I will never forget the appreciative glances my generous figure received when I was up a mountain in Poland - see men there like a woman who looks as though she could carry a load of wood and survive the winter!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 20/04/2015 00:43

I'm starting the slimming world diet and I'm dread all the "Oh you look great comments ect. Don't get me wrong. Some people thrive on them.

WorraLiberty · 20/04/2015 00:45

Blimey Sunny, I can appreciate you have you're own personal experiences to share, but I don't agree with you stereotyping a whole country full of people.

It's nice that you felt you enjoyed the appreciative glances of strange men, it must have made you feel good in some way, I'm guessing?

But to say, "see men there like a woman who looks as though she could carry a load of wood and survive the winter!", is surely stereotyping, no?

My Polish 3rd cousin is married to a very slight looking woman and I have no idea how much wood (if any) she could carry?

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/04/2015 00:47

lol nothing wrong with a bit of generalising.....
it would have made me feel better if the man had been a bit tastier, but whatever.
haha

lem73 · 20/04/2015 00:48

I hate that comment too. Just been at a family do on dh's side and I got that from quite a few people. Trouble is I've been exactly the same weight for three years. I think what they are really thinking is 'you look haggard'!

TheCowThatLaughs · 20/04/2015 02:25

I've had:
Fucking hell!! You've lost loads of weight!!!
And:
Have you lost weight? very nice
Hmm "you look well" would be sufficient imo

NuggetofPurestGreen · 20/04/2015 02:45

What I hate is when people say 'oh you've lost loads of weight' when you haven't! And when you say 'no I haven't' they argue with you.

But in general I agree with OP - I try and keep weight comments to minimum unless I know someone has been on a diet and/or we are close friends who discuss this etc.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 20/04/2015 02:51

And as others have said you'd never comment on someone gaining weight but you would on losing - what's the difference?

And Shock at people saying it to someone with cancer!

TowerRavenSeven · 20/04/2015 04:04

YANBU, but When I lost two stone and no one close to me noticed, I wish I knew the people that you knew that commented! I had acquaintances tell me I looked great, close friends didn't. Took me awhile to figure out some didn't want to comment and some were just jealous.

shewept · 20/04/2015 06:41

Hmm I see where you are coming from. But the problem is people probably don't know the reason you have lost weight.

I don't get people being annoyed that if people notice you have lost weight that means they took note you were overweight in the first place. Of course they did. Not in a judgy way, but that's what you look like. Your body shape, hair etc. If you went from blond to brunette people would notice. That's not a judgment on blondes. You appearance has changed, they notice.

Should they say something? Clearly not. But people are only saying with the very best of intentions.

shewept · 20/04/2015 06:43

Why does losing weight have to equate to being as thin as possible. I am losing fat and don't want to be as thin as possible.

shewept · 20/04/2015 06:46

Why does losing weight have to equate to being as thin as possible. I am losing fat and don't want to be as thin as possible.

Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 20/04/2015 06:48

I've also had the "erm, well no I haven't thing" too. I think I was wearing my nicest outfit at the time that made the most of my best features. So instead of having the awkward bit where I have to decide whether to take a "compliment" that's not true or just smile, "great outfit" might be a better line, or the "you look great". Those are opinions and nice ones at that.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 20/04/2015 06:51

Shewept, but I had acne in my time too and although true, I didn't necessarily want comments about that, good or bad. I just wanted to get on with life and not be reminded of it when I wasn't near a mirror and wasn't thinking about it at that moment. Or perhaps believed it wasn't that noticeable, or that it wasn't the first thing people thought of. Honesty is always good-complete openness not so much.

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 20/04/2015 07:13

You might as well do as you normally do because you will upset half the people whichever! I like people mentioning it.

DontOpenDeadInside · 20/04/2015 07:14

I've had a few people say to me "have you lost weight?" Err no I haven't. The scales say I am exactly the same weight I've been for over a year. It makes me think people are not genuine, and they are just trying to make me feel better, which it doesn't!

KoalaDownUnder · 20/04/2015 07:26

I hate it.

When I had lost weight, in the past, it was because I had an eating disorder. People telling me I'd lost weight just fanned the flames, tbh.

When people tell me now, I just feel confused, because I haven't. Then I start thinking, oh, did I look as if I needed to lose weight?? (I've been at the lower end of my healthy weight range for years.)

I try not to take offence, as I know it's meant well, but I wish people would just not mention it; the whole topic is just too fraught for too many people.

MrsHathaway · 20/04/2015 08:12

Worra - I said "potentially sexist" because it's a remark women encounter all the time and men far more rarely. It's sexist if it's a default compliment for a woman that you wouldn't pay a man.

treaclesoda · 20/04/2015 08:18

MrsHathaway I was thinking about this last night, reading the thread and it occurred to me that I don't think I have ever heard a man greet another man with a comment on their appearance. Yet many women can not greet another women without remarking on her appearance. It is so ingrained.

flanjabelle · 20/04/2015 08:25

My mil has commented on my weight every time I have seen her for the last 7 years, until a few weeks ago when I actually started to lose weight. I am not exaggerating, every single time.

I think she just liked to call attention to my weight, she can be quite nasty so it's not out of character. She would always say I had lost weight, even when I was clearly putting it on. Now I have lost a stone and it is really showing as people who do not know I am trying have commented, and she has completely stopped mentioning it. Bizarre woman.

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