Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You've lost weight"

218 replies

BigBirthdayGloom · 19/04/2015 22:20

I know that folks are giving what they believe to be a compliment, I know it's kindly meant. And, in my case, it's true. But I have never moaned about being a stone overweight, I'm not on a diet, and the message it conveys to me is "you looked overweight and not that great before and now you look a bit better". I am pleased to have lost weight, although its a side effect of medication, but it's really not something that I think about much. "You look great" or even no comment about my looks at all are much more straightforwardly positive. Or am I just a misery?

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 20/04/2015 13:00

Totally with you OP. I have dropped 2 dress sizes in the past year or so. I suffer from depression and anxiety and am coming to terms with some dark family stuff. As part of managing it, I am eating really well, cutting back on alcohol and sugar and exercising regularly. Hence the weight loss.

I loathe it when people mention it, especially in front of others. I'm a private person and I don't share my troubles at work so it feels really intrusive. Even when I tell people that I've not been well, they just keep harping on about how much weight I've lost and how many stones and how did I do it, and what's my secret blahblahblah. If you raise it with someone and its clear they don't want to talk about it, wouldn't you just back off?! I do feel better but still have dark days and my weight loss comes from a very sad dark scary place and I do not want to talk about it.

Lottapianos · 20/04/2015 13:01

Sorry for double post!

duplodon · 20/04/2015 13:14

Confused, my point was that people don't seem to comment on men's looks in the same way in the same situation. Presumably they also look hugely different. They comment on huge losses differently, presumably because they don't feel as comfortable making personal remarks about their appearance. It doesn't seem ludicrous not to comment on how these men look. I think that is interesting.

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 20/04/2015 13:21

I got this a couple of days ago 'ooh, congratulations you've lost weight!'

Yeah, my husband died, it must have put me off my food a bit. Sad Hmm Angry

Lottapianos · 20/04/2015 13:26

duplodon, you make a very good point about how weight loss is spoken about differently depending on whether its a man or a woman who has lost weight

WhereDo, I'm so very sorry Sad When did your husband pass?

ConfusedInBath · 20/04/2015 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tindel · 20/04/2015 13:34

I have a friend who every time I see him comments that I've lost weight. I always say that I haven't really changed, he just remembers me as fatter than I actually am. I think people commenting on weight loss tend to do it as a positive thing about you looking nice now as they see you. I think you should try and see it as a compliment unless there is an obvious undertone of sneering / negative implications

Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 20/04/2015 13:45

Thanks for all the points of view. I just never comment on people's size one way or the other. I'm not daft-I know people will notice dramatic weight loss (not that mine is-12 pounds or so still leaving me a stone overweight). It's just that saying you've lost weight confirms that it was in their minds (I have to be honest, it would take longer than a first glance to attribute someone looking great to a bit of weight lost) and makes it unambiguous that that's why they think you look great. Otherwise I do genuinely think it could be my haircut, outfit or just that I look perkier and less tired or am smiling. And the moment of actually I haven't lost weight leaves you with the dilemma of whether to let it pass or mention that no, my looking nice to you is about something else. You look great just makes me pleased, say thank you and move on.

Obviously my brain doesn't do all this every time, I've mulled it over and worked out why I just don't like "you've lost weight"!

OP posts:
WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 20/04/2015 17:02

My husband died on the 14th of February, lottapianos I have a very big thread in the bereavement topic.

mildlyacquiescent · 20/04/2015 17:18

Where, how very crass and insensitive of them. Honestly, that's shocking. Flowers

Thanks, OP, this has been an interesting topic. I'll certainly think twice before mentioning weight loss to someone.

Mehitabel6 · 20/04/2015 17:21

I find MN very different from RL, people endlessly seem to analyse things. I shall continue to complement people.

squoosh · 20/04/2015 17:27

People on MN exist in RL too you know. Their opinions are probably the same in both realms.

specialsubject · 20/04/2015 17:36

I never comment on weight/size unless explicitly asked to do so. In fact I never comment on any matter of body appearance because it is such a minefield.

'good to see you' does me.

KoalaDownUnder · 20/04/2015 17:56

Nobody's saying you can't 'continue to compliment people'. Confused Just that it might be more sensitive/polite to say 'You look great!' rather than 'You've lost weight'.

(And yes, mumsnet is made up of actual real people; it's just that IRL most of us don't want to tell you to your face that your 'compliment' made us feel a bit shit.)

TheCowThatLaughs · 20/04/2015 17:58

If you say "you look well" then that gives someone the opportunity to say "yes I've lost weight" if they want to mention it, or just "thanks" if they don't

treaclesoda · 20/04/2015 18:20

I feel exactly the same about this in real life as I do on mumsnet. Funnily enough I'm quite well known in real life for being thick skinned, to the point of being blissfilly unaware when other people try to be snippy with me. So its quite strange to discover that I'm viewed as touchy for not wanting people to comment on my weight.

But if it makes me touchy, then touchy is what I am, and I can't really help that. I don't diet and I've never been overweight or indicated to anyone that I'd like to lose weight so when people comment on my body it makes me feel very self concious and also worried about what could be causing the weight loss.

Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 20/04/2015 18:29

Absolutely-the cow that laughs-it's more of a conversation opener. You can move on after a quick thank you and talk about other stuff, you can go "great-I've been working hard to lose weight so I'm glad you think I look good" (possibly less wordy!) or you can move it to their court "ah, thanks, love your top, where's it from?". Open statement in other words. You've lost weight is a comment that covers only one base.

OP posts:
TheCowThatLaughs · 20/04/2015 19:50

Whereas "fucking hell!! Where've you gone?! How much weight have you lost now??" as someone said to me, in the middle of a crowded room, can be a bit embarrassing and doesn't leave you with much choice Hmm

dangerrabbit · 20/04/2015 20:01

YANBU

My weight goes up and down but I never talk about it. I really hate it when people make comments, even though I know they're trying to be nice, and it just makes me want to cringe.

dangerrabbit · 20/04/2015 20:02

Rule of thumb I suggest would be not to talk about it unless it's a close friend who you know is on a weight loss programme or you're at a slimming world meeting.

tobysmum77 · 20/04/2015 20:31

I've had a similar mil experience to above. After dd2 she said excitedly 'ooh have you lost weight?' everytime I saw her Angry . I was probably just into overweight after birth by a couple of pounds, then at the top of healthy. When I did lose the 1.5 stone to take me back to me personal normal she said nothing at all Confused .

tobysmum77 · 20/04/2015 20:32

I dont think she's nasty though I think in the end she probably just noticed me glaring....

Lottapianos · 20/04/2015 20:56

WhereDo, I'm so very sorry about the loss of your DH. I can't imagine what you're going through and people's insensitive bullshit doesn't help I'm sure x

Lottapianos · 20/04/2015 20:57

Danger rabbit, that's a very sensible rule - wish other people would follow it

timelyreminder · 20/04/2015 21:05

YANBU. It's impolite to comment on other people's size or shape, unless you are a very good friend and know for a fact that they were trying to lose or gain weight.

Swipe left for the next trending thread