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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You've lost weight"

218 replies

BigBirthdayGloom · 19/04/2015 22:20

I know that folks are giving what they believe to be a compliment, I know it's kindly meant. And, in my case, it's true. But I have never moaned about being a stone overweight, I'm not on a diet, and the message it conveys to me is "you looked overweight and not that great before and now you look a bit better". I am pleased to have lost weight, although its a side effect of medication, but it's really not something that I think about much. "You look great" or even no comment about my looks at all are much more straightforwardly positive. Or am I just a misery?

OP posts:
Sazzle41 · 20/04/2015 21:06

It depends how they say it/tone probably. If i am bit depressed i comfort eat, if i am very, very depressed i cant eat and it drops off me. I never talk about my weight but i cant bear the accusatory tone when i know i have dropped a shed load because of stress/depression. I always stick to 'you look well' myself. Nice and vague and no connotations (sp?) as yes it implies in a certain tone that you looked, well... not great before.

frankie80 · 20/04/2015 21:15

I personally wish people would stop commenting on what I eat. ooooooh a can of coke....oooooh a bar of chocolate....

ooooooh fuck off will you Angry

Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 20/04/2015 22:17

Come to think of it the two main people who say it to me are gorgeous people inside and out but I know they spend a lot of time thinking about weight, even though they are very slim. I guess that might be why they are slim but the fact that they comment on mine gives me a window into a part of their lives. I am sure I will slim down, but I don't think about my weight enough, not other people's to get to and stay at their weight. As long as I get to a medically healthy weight (I'm overweight now but if I hit my healthy weight I still wouldn't look slim slim) I will feel that is enough. There it is. I've only ever been a size ten (not saying that's perfect but it is a societal benchmark) when I was very very stressed and unhappy. And my weight now is only enough of a bother to me to make me feel momentarily uncomfortable that other people notice it enough to comment. Then I move on (and muse on why it annoys me on mumsnet Wink )

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 20/04/2015 22:21

I don't find MN like RL and am quite likely to get it wrong if I follow advice on here. e.g. So many people want shoes off that I started offering and every single person has insisted I keep them on! I don't go telling strangers they look good having lost weight, but following the fact that I would be quite upset if everyone ignored me losing weight I shall continue to say so to friends. They have all been pleased when I have mentioned it.

dangerrabbit · 21/04/2015 07:55

I've never said anything when people have told me I've lost weight as I know they're trying to be nice. So I smile and make appreciative noises. Doesn't mean I'm actually pleased they mentioned it just that in not trying to make someone's good intention into an awkward and cringesome moment by telling them off for giving me what they think is a compliment.

dorisdog · 21/04/2015 09:18

Totally agree. My female friends and I have an informal rule - no commenting on apparent weight and age. It's a crappy habit that women often have (through years of social conditioning, no doubt) that the first thing they look for when they meet other women is how old/slim/attractive they look, in comparison to last time. or themselves...

Mehitabel6 · 21/04/2015 09:41

Perhaps it is best to try and gauge the feeling first. I am thrilled if people mention it and a bit upset if they don't.
It is nothing to do with social conditioning- it is all to do with effort. ( in my case)

BirdInTheRoom · 21/04/2015 10:31

YANBU OP - I hate this! I think it's ok if, for example, you've lost a lot of weight after having a baby or something and people are aware you've been trying to shift it, but as a general comment I hate it.

My MIL without fail says 'ooh you've lost a huge amount of weight' every bloody time I see her - there would be nothing left of me if that were the case, and I can't stand the implication that I had weight to lose in the first place!! (I am a size 10 - weight rarely fluctuates) I do put on a lot of weight when pregnant though.

Then I get the 'you've almost lost all your baby weight' That one really gets me frothing!!!

BirdInTheRoom · 21/04/2015 10:33

Best to say 'you're looking lovely today' - perfect compliment. If you must mention weight, then I think 'you're looking really slim' is just about acceptable!

HubrisNemesis · 21/04/2015 10:35

Mehitabel, why are you upset if people don't mention your weight loss?

Alicadabra · 21/04/2015 11:05

Oh dear. I love to compliment friends if I notice something nice or different about them. I always thought of it as A Good Thing. But now I'm not so sure. Thinking about it, absolutely every compliment I utter could be misinterpreted:

"I love your new haircut" = "Your old one was weird"
"You look great today" = "You looked dreadful yesterday"
"What a pretty dress" = "...compared to the ghastly stuff you usually wear"

Sad
squoosh · 21/04/2015 11:08

Now you're just being silly.

squoosh · 21/04/2015 11:09

For a lot of people their weight is a personal and tricky issue laden with all sorts of emotional baggage in a way that their hair or clothes just aren't.

BakewellSlice · 21/04/2015 11:18

I have been told by my female in-laws that if someone says "You look well!" it really means you have put on weight...

They wouldn't accept my view that it would be said if you LOOK WELL!

Wave and smile is the best option sometimes.

BakewellSlice · 21/04/2015 11:18

I just spotted WorraLiberty's post.

Mehitabel6 · 21/04/2015 17:29

I would be upset Hubris because I would have made a huge effort only to have people pretend they haven't even noticed!
A bit of recognition would be nice!

partialderivative · 21/04/2015 17:33

On the very few occasions that anyone has commented "Have you lost weight?", I have sometimes said "Why, have you found it?"

Wotsitsareafterme · 21/04/2015 17:36

Yanbu

squoosh · 21/04/2015 17:39

Mehitabel6 if you were a good friend of mine and I knew you had slogged your guts out to lose weight of course I'd mention it.

It's with people I don't know so well I'm less likely to say anything. Because I feel awkward when people say it to me I therefore err on the side of discreet with other people too.

Uhplistrailer · 21/04/2015 17:41

Yanbu

I would only ever say this if I knew s friend had been trying to loose weight. Otherwise I'd keep my mouth shut.

Mehitabel6 · 21/04/2015 19:07

That was my original point- you need to know the person or you upset someone. Half will be upset if you mention it and half will be upset if you don't!

Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 21/04/2015 20:10

Compliments about hair, make up, clothes are always a comment on a choice made (in my case quickly and on the basis on what's clean, but still a choice!). And having a nice new haircut doesn't automatically imply the old one was horrible. I hope, too, that I have more than one outfit worthy of comment. The others? Usually okay but not stand out. Be a bit weird if someone said "I love your jeans, boots and too that fit well, flatter you but are identical to many others and not particularly worthy of comment"! Weight's a bit different. The loss of it can be unintentional or even undesired and no one would dream of complimenting anyone on its gain (conditioning and in our society-not necessarily right). So saying you've noticed and congratulating weight loss has a necessary negative flip side. And no, I don't navel gaze to this extent whenever it happens, usually I just smile, say thank you so as not to inadvertently make my friend feel awkward for the comment, and move onto what we've been up to, how annoying/amazing our kids are at any given moment and planning a lovely evening drinking prosecco as soon as possible! Just wanted to know if anyone else found it irksome at times :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 21/04/2015 20:12

Just as I bet there are or have been posts about my irksome features (Aibu to wish my friend would compliment me on or at least bloody notice my weight loss instead of just complimenting me on my new haircut? Confused

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TalkinPeace · 21/04/2015 20:24

As Prof Susan Jebb said in Radio 4 this morning,
if comments about weight loss and gain were as acceptable as those about smoking,
then the country would not be facing a financially crippling obesity crisis.

Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 21/04/2015 20:52

Don't think she's right. It's not the comments. Katie Hopkins, to take an extreme example, talks freely about it. I don't even object to campaigns to tackle obesity. I certainly think health care professionals should be open and challenging about it. But friendship is different. With my friends, I generally don't give unsolicited advice, even if the "in" for the difficult conversation is quite subtle. And honestly, most conversations about weight gain or loss are about people who are at the middle of or possibly higher end of a healthy weight band. My most obsessed time was in my twenties and it was always an aesthetic concern. I guess the aeshetic concern might have prevented me from being overweight but actually, I started to put on weight when we were in the depths of despair about infertilty sk i doubt a sharp kick up the capacious backside would have made a lot of difference. The two people I know who talk most about weight are actually probably (would I ask, erm no) underweight medically. And a friend saying I was overweight would not make me lose weight. Oh for it to be so simple. I'm losing weight now because I have tackled my mental health problems and a condition I have always had was diagnosed and medicated. It's a side effect of my being well.

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