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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"You've lost weight"

218 replies

BigBirthdayGloom · 19/04/2015 22:20

I know that folks are giving what they believe to be a compliment, I know it's kindly meant. And, in my case, it's true. But I have never moaned about being a stone overweight, I'm not on a diet, and the message it conveys to me is "you looked overweight and not that great before and now you look a bit better". I am pleased to have lost weight, although its a side effect of medication, but it's really not something that I think about much. "You look great" or even no comment about my looks at all are much more straightforwardly positive. Or am I just a misery?

OP posts:

Fiddlerontheroof · 19/04/2015 22:41

I've lost nearly 5 stone ( not even a stealth boast, out and out boasting here) and I love it when people literally do double takes :)

However, if you've not intentionally lost it, I can understand your irritation...I guess there's not a lot you can do but say thank you through gritted teeth!

I'd just try not to let it bother you if you can. I guess most people think they are being well intentioned.

HubrisNemesis · 19/04/2015 22:43

YANBU. Your 'complimenter' may think that weight loss = the best compliment you can possibly pay someone, but spare the rest of us, please. A colleague of mine who had an aggressive cancer that eventually killed her used to get people oohing and aahing about how great she looked after losing weight - these were people who knew she was ill! It was as if the fact that the cause of the weight loss was breast cancer was irrelevant - weight loss was just Generally Great, and the assumption was that she'd be delighted with the ultimate compliment.

And it's perfectly possible not to 'say what you see'. Tell someone they look nice, by all means, but commenting approvingly on weight loss is like saying there was something wrong with you before eg 'Oh, it's great you've started straightening your hair - it looked awful curly.'

Original poster

BigBirthdayGloom · 19/04/2015 22:47

I'd be delighted if they noticed what I actually have been trying hard at-getting organised and concentrating for more than two minutes on something!
Worra-in my book you can't go wrong with "you look great". It doesn't then exclusively make it about weight. I'm not immune to noticing people's weight-absolutely not, nor am i naive enough to think people think me skinny, but commenting on it makes me think about it when I wasn't and suggests its a key thing about me because its usually one of the first things said.

OP posts:

treaclesoda · 19/04/2015 22:47

If a friend or colleague has told me that they are trying to lose weight, and they lose a noticeable amount of weight, then I assume (since they told me in the first place) that they would be happy for me to say that I have noticed.

If they have never ever mentioned wanting to lose weight (even if they are significantly overweight) then I would never comment on it, because I would assume that their weight is something private to them and not something they want to feel that people are scrutinising.

If I saw a friend who eg acne, and then their skin seemed to improve, I wouldn't say 'oh, your spots aren't as bad these days' , even though it would be a statement of fact. Because it would be highlighting the fact that I had noticed their bad skin in the first place, which would surely be horrible for them, as presumably they have been desperately hoping that other people didn't notice it as much as they did. On the other hand, if they said 'my skin is terrible, I'm trying a new drug/skincare regime' then I saw them a month later and their skin looked better, well I'd presume that they would want to know that I had noticed the improvement.

WorraLiberty · 19/04/2015 22:48

Your 'complimenter' may think that weight loss = the best compliment you can possibly pay someone, but spare the rest of us, please.

I agree with that ^^

I also think it explains the accusations of 'stealth boasting'.

There is nothing boastful about stating you've lost weight.

I think those who automatically think that, are possibly projecting. Whereas to many others, it's simply a statement of fact.

A bit like stating you've just had a filling in your tooth.

cariadlet · 19/04/2015 22:48

YANBU

I have phases where I snack between meals and other times where I go through a sensible eating phase, so my weight goes up and down a bit. But I never deliberately diet, and don't have scales so I don't really know how much it fluctuates.

I don't really notice over much what my weight is (more than it should be, but nowhere near obese), but almost every time my bloody mother sees me the first thing she says is "Have you lost weight?" and it really pisses me off.

Firstly, if she is always saying it, at one time I must have been REALLY fat (pretty sure I never was).
Secondly, and more importantly, she says it in front of 12 year old dd. I'm having a hard enough time trying to counter celebrity culture, images of skinny women etc. I try and tell dd that it's fine to be interested in fashion and make up (I'm not, but dd is), but that what is on the inside is more important than what is on the outside, and you don't have to be thin to be popular.

I've already had dd saying she needs to lose weight (most certainly doesn't) and that she wants to dye her hair, go on a sunbed and have plastic surgery when she is older. And the first thing she hears my dm say to me is "Have you lost weight?" as if that is the most important thing about me. Aaargh!

Original poster

BigBirthdayGloom · 19/04/2015 22:49

Treacle soda, I love it when someone else summarises just how I feel about something! I couldn't have (and didn't!) put it better myself!

OP posts:

squoosh · 19/04/2015 22:51

I hate when people tell me I've lost weight. I know it's meant as a compliment but it just makes me feel self conscious. What am I supposed to say 'yeah, I'm less fat now'?

I never comment on someone's weight loss unless it's a close friend that I know has been working hard at dropping the pounds. A work colleague got shirty with me once because I hadn't commented on her weight loss. I didn't know she'd been on a diet so didn't feel it was any of my business to comment on her appearance!

SunnyBaudelaire · 19/04/2015 22:56

YANBU it is really oppressive.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 19/04/2015 23:13

A lot of people comment on weight loss because they think that losing it is a Good Thing. These people are usually women. I tend to forgive them for it if I like them in general because I charitably assume they have been brainwashed by society (as indeed I was).

Other thoughts (perhaps tangentially relevant):

When I was growing up I lost about 3-4 stone at one point, and every man/woman and their dog noticed and commented approvingly. I revelled in the rare positive attention. When I had regained it all and lost it again (post-DS2) I remember being slightly sad that none of my friends commented and congratulated me on this wonderful achievement. It took a while to dawn on me that the people around me at this later point in my life were far too considerate to dream of commenting on my weight and that they were trying to be polite!

The best weight-loss comment I've ever received was from an Indian colleague who said, in tones of surprise: "Ah, Plump! You are losing size!"

And finally, if someone looked directly at me and said: "I admire the strength and determination that you have displayed in managing to lose a noticeable amount of weight; I am not passing comment on the change in your appearance but rather the internal attributes that must be associated with it" then I'd think they were a bit odd - nice but odd

CumberCookie · 19/04/2015 23:18

I feel the same way. A relative I only see about once every two years said this straight away last time. I was a bit :s tbh. I just thought "god I must have looked awful before that she feels the first things she has to say is "You've lost weight!""

MrsHathaway · 19/04/2015 23:46

The last time someone said this to me, I said:

"Yes: actually I've been quite ill."

And then I told them all about it.

I agree that it's a lazy and potentially sexist compliment. What's wrong with "you look great" or "I love your new look"? Why does it come down to numbers on a dial?

maddening · 19/04/2015 23:49

Far better than " I see you've gained weight" :)

SunnyBaudelaire · 19/04/2015 23:49

if my bro were ever to say it to me again, I would say, yes and you look like a porky bastard. Because he was always saying it, 'oh sunny you actualy look SLIM and SMART' as though he were gobsmacked every time.
So very oppressive.

DamnBamboo · 19/04/2015 23:51

My mum once said to me, 'You've lost weight! You look so much better!'

That I think is offensive.

However, if I knew someone and they had obviously lost weight, I might say 'have you lost weight?' This being in a situation where I knew them well enough to do so.

I think YABU.

ShesAStar · 19/04/2015 23:51

People are trying to make a positive comment to you. If you feel offended it's good to keep in mind that the comment was probably well meant and made by someone who cares enough about you to notice.

CapnMurica · 19/04/2015 23:53

I'm with you OP.

I'm dieting, and I've got a lot more to lose than you. I'm about a stone down, and would like to lose three more.

I saw a bloke at work the other day, haven't seen him in about a month. Didn't have time to chat so he sort of pointed at me and mimed a body shape? (If that makes sense, no idea how to describe it!).

It is noticeable I've lost weight. But I don't like the idea that someone had taken note of my body shape that much to comment on a fairly small loss.

Or, I'm just a whingey minge bag

WorraLiberty · 19/04/2015 23:54

It's no 'oppressive' to state that someone has lost weight, if indeed they have.

It's not sexist either (not sure what 'potentially' sexist means in this case).

But given how hung up a lot of people (both male and female) are about their own personal weight these days, it's really not something anyone should comment on imo.

Then again, we've already had a couple of posters say they get pissed off when people don't comment on their personal weight.

Probably better to go with "You look great", and let them all read what they want to into that.

takemeuptheeiffeltower · 19/04/2015 23:55

I would LOVE for somebody to say to me 'you've lost weight'

SunnyBaudelaire · 19/04/2015 23:56

"People are trying to make a positive comment to you."

the thing is, it often isnt the intention, as in my example above. is only positive for women who have been brainwashed into thinking that a western woman must be slimming, all the time.
Also that body shape is the only important thing for a woman.

SunnyBaudelaire · 19/04/2015 23:58

well lose some weight then takemeupthetower! It is actually amazingly easy, all you have to do is only eat when you are hungry.

WorraLiberty · 19/04/2015 23:59

Why though takemeuptheeiffeltower?

Your weight is your own personal thing.

I'm sure you wouldn't 'LOVE' somebody to comment to you that you've gained weight?

I really just think the whole 'weight' thing has become such an issue, due to the obesity epidemic, that the subject is best avoided full stop.

takemeuptheeiffeltower · 20/04/2015 00:02

SunnyBaudelair,
I am starting tomorrow!
Diet here I Come!

squoosh · 20/04/2015 00:02

I know someone whose line to nearly everyone is 'you look great, have you lost weight?' whether they've lost weight or not. I think she assumes every plump person will be thrilled by her saying that.

She said this to me once (I hadn't lost weight) so I just replied 'No. Do you think I need to lose weight?'.

Admittedly I was feeling grumpy that day anyway.

takemeuptheeiffeltower · 20/04/2015 00:03

I'm sure you wouldn't 'LOVE' somebody to comment to you that you've gained weight?

Hell No!
That's heading in the wrong direction!
Gaining too much weight is bad for you, but being the ideal BMI is good (and healthy) for you.

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