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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You've lost weight"

218 replies

BigBirthdayGloom · 19/04/2015 22:20

I know that folks are giving what they believe to be a compliment, I know it's kindly meant. And, in my case, it's true. But I have never moaned about being a stone overweight, I'm not on a diet, and the message it conveys to me is "you looked overweight and not that great before and now you look a bit better". I am pleased to have lost weight, although its a side effect of medication, but it's really not something that I think about much. "You look great" or even no comment about my looks at all are much more straightforwardly positive. Or am I just a misery?

OP posts:
HappySpills · 21/04/2015 20:54

Bollocks.

MadauntofA · 21/04/2015 20:55

My mother (who has always been obsessed with weight - hers and mine) always has a comment for me about my weight - I have lost a bit recently, am of normal weight and am pretty stable at the moment. I never know whether I will get a "you've lost weight you are looking fab" " you need to watch your weight, you don't want to put it on again" or "don't loose too much, you are going to look anorexic!" All random as I haven't fluctuated more than a couple of pounds. The comments don't bother me any more but I hate it when my daughter is around and was horrified when she told DD that a mother of a child at her school was "as big as a house" dd found it funny as she had never heard that before.

TalkinPeace · 21/04/2015 20:56

I suspect that Susan Jebb would take great offence at being compared with Katie rent-a-gob Hopkins.
Her point (if you listen to the programme) is that doctors and pharmacists and nurses should be completely free to comment on people's weight (over or under)
and all people should congratulate each other for being a healthy weight in the same way they congratulate each other for giving up smoking another huge drain on the NHS

mildlyacquiescent · 21/04/2015 20:57

I don't think people give up smoking because of comments though, do they?

Usually it's a question of health or of $$$$, IME.

HappySpills · 21/04/2015 20:58

Oops. Posted too soon.

Meant to say that comments about weight loss and gain are if anything more acceptable than comments about smoking in many contexts.

mildlyacquiescent · 21/04/2015 20:58

I do love that description of Hopkins though, TiP. Grin

TalkinPeace · 21/04/2015 21:03

mildly
Susan Jebb started studying weight loss and gain as part of cancer treatment studies.
Her interest in obesity is entirely related to the long term health problems, not the aesthetics.
that is why the regular accusations lobbed at Worra and myself of fat shaming are so blerdy stupid.

mildlyacquiescent · 21/04/2015 21:07

Gotcha, TiP. And I've witnessed that myself. I agree that healthy-sized people seem to cop a lot of flak on these boards.

duplodon · 21/04/2015 21:22

That's bollocks. I live in Ireland where people have always and will always comment on your weight, straight out to your face. My husband's tiny granny used to take one look at him and say 'ah but you're gone awful fat'. Ireland is one of the most obese countries in Europe.

If we treated weight control as a behaviour instead of as a shame inducing personality trait tied to morality and greed, without making it personal and shameful, there wouldn't be an obesity crisis. Smoking may be shamed now, but I believe people gave up because they knew it had the potential to kill them young and kill the life in their years, not because it was disgusting, wrong, shameful etc. Weight is frequently made about who you are, not what you do... and this is certainly problematic.

TalkinPeace · 21/04/2015 21:28

If we treated weight control as a behaviour instead of as a shame inducing personality trait tied to morality and greed, without making it personal and shameful, there wouldn't be an obesity crisis
I think you need to listen to the programme and follow the links because the evidence does not support your opinion

duplodon · 21/04/2015 21:45

Yes, because radio programmes are the best source of evidence on behaviour change...

treaclesoda · 21/04/2015 21:55

But its not always overweight people who are saying that they don't like talking about their weight. It's pretty grim when a healthy adult with a healthy BMI is assumed to be keen to lose weight.

TalkinPeace · 21/04/2015 22:00

It's pretty grim when a healthy adult with a healthy BMI is assumed to be keen to lose weight.
Define healthy BMI?

For some peoples' skeletons that is 24, for others it is 18
the point is that 60% of the UK is overweight .....
only a small proportion of the population would not benefit from losing a little weight ...

duplodon · 21/04/2015 22:01

I'm not sure of your point. These researchers have been involved in wide ranging research to say society is currently obesogenic and requires systemic change, not that we should be making fat a source of shame. Perhaps you conflate my comment on shame with responsibility?

The field of behavioural medicine is a lot more vast than these researchers alone, and shame and stigma are big issues in compliance with weight management protocols. So ha ha yourself.

An approach that increasingly has promise in behavioural medicine is acceptance and commitment therapy, which was the basis of my comment:
contextualscience.org/publications/acceptance_and_commitment_therapy_for_weight_contr

TalkinPeace · 21/04/2015 22:06

I'm not making fat a source of shame
BUT
I'll not tolerate people saying that being grossly overweight is OK
its not.
Nothing to do with flab
everything to do with diabetes, heart disease, lung disease, cancer, alzheimers, dementia and the rest

hence my reiteration of the point that Prof Jebb made this morning : all medical staff should comment on the size of all overweight people including their own colleagues

Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 21/04/2015 22:08

I will listen to the programme, and Katie Hopkins was an extreme example. I also agree that health care professionals ought to talk freely and often to their patients a about losing weight if they are beyond a healthy weight. But in the general populis, I don't think that comments on weight gain or loss are all that helpful. I was a healthy weight for a long time, until I had my third baby, but when I was in the middle to upper range of healthy I remember being told by my midwife on booking for my third that I was a healthy weight and being very surprised. Although I hadn't been trying to lose weight, I was the size and weight of many who were. So it takes people with a concern for health not aesthetics to comment and help. Especially as they can take a holistic view. My gp simply saying lose weight would have done nothing. Two years after she started to help me with depression, anxiety and listened when I asked to be referred for adhd investigations, I am heading towards a healthy weight without dieting. And I would also have trusted that if diet would have done it she'd have suggested it. She also suggested a healthy diet and exercise when we were trying to conceive, when I actually was a healthy weight but not actually all that healthy. So even with health care professionals, who should be challenging their patients, it's not all about weight loss or gain.

Katie Hopkins and my friends (unusual for two extremes to be in the same sentence) are not useful commentators on my weight.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBirthdayGloom · 21/04/2015 22:09

So, Talk in Peace, I agree with you and (although I'll still listen to the programme!) Professor Jebb. The right people should talk freely about weight loss and gain!

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 21/04/2015 22:12

But a moment ago you were saying that people who are already a healthy weight should still be trying to lose more weight? That's not the same as health professionals not being afraid to raise the health problems associated with obesity.

treaclesoda · 21/04/2015 22:13

And Talkin I actually do agree with you that it's not ok to say 'oh, being obese is fine'.

I'm just not clear on why already slim people should be aiming to be even thinner. It's not for health at that point, surely its just aesthetics at that stage?

TalkinPeace · 21/04/2015 22:19

treaclesoda
BMI is a very broad brush.

at a BMI of 25 I am overweight and in constant pain.
because I'm lightly built
so I aim for a much lower number

other people have a happy weight at higher numbers

the point is that BMI is a proxy for body fat
each individual should aim to get their body fat within the healthy range
if they are very lightly built, that could be with a BMI well under 20

and they should NOT be criticised for aiming for a healthy weight for their frame

its not vanity, its health

duplodon · 21/04/2015 22:28

The problem is the literature on shame and stigma in the broader field of behavioural medicine might confound such an approach.

You don't have to say being grossly overweight is okay for your health or that behaviours that lead to overweight are healthful or productive. Where you start to run into trouble is telling people they are not okay for being grossly overweight. That's unlikely to be helpful.

treaclesoda · 21/04/2015 22:36

No, I'm definitely not criticising anyone for aiming for a healthy weight for their frame, not at all. What I'm critical of is the assumption that even if you are already at a healthy weight for your frame and build (I was really using BMI as shorthand for that I suppose) you should still always be aiming to lose more. Loads of really slim women are constantly under pressure to try to lose more weight (or pretend to be trying to lose weight) because it's just 'what women do'. I know so many women who eat so little that they are constantly light headed and ill, and yet not one of them would ever say 'actually, I think I'm slim enough'.

mildlyacquiescent · 21/04/2015 22:37

Yeah, I have a BMI of 23 currently, which means carrying fat around my knees, which has been making my arthritis a lot worse. It also means a bit of chub around my belly (unusual for me, a classic pear)- and we all know how dangerous belly fat is. Yet 23 is considered "healthy." On me, it isn't. Something like 19/20 was good for me pre-pregnancy, and that's what I want to get back to, not for reasons of vanity, but of health.

tobysmum77 · 22/04/2015 06:58

I agree with treacle. It is pretty unlikely that many people would see negative health implications at a bmi of 24.5 regardless of their frame. Having mil assuming I wanted to lose weight just made me feel shit as she said it like I was severely obese. She missed out on the tact gene however so I try to be tolerant Wink but my sil had an eating disorder as a teenager .....!

I'm a smallish build but certainly wasn't noticeably or dangerously overweight.