to be f*ed off at my husband for buying GTA5?

[Oakmaiden]

Yes, yes, I know he is an adult, and I am not his mother, etc.

I also told my nearly 18 year old son that he would never be allowed to play violent and misogynistic games like that in my home.

And now his father has bought it, and I am not pleased. But he, obviously, thinks I am being stupid.

Am I?

Are everyone's reading skills deserting them tonight or what? This is very clearly not about GTA in isolation but about a pattern emerging where the OP's husband is increasingly dismissive of her thoughts and feelings. That's the worry here.

I don't know what the answer is, OP, unfortunately. How do you feel about life with him in general?

Sorry OP, not sure I am taking you in a cheery direction either. Just thought I might as well join in the mass insulting of other people's intelligence

That was with regards to your cheeriness evaporating Oak

Thanks Tendon.

I was quite upset when I posted - and you are right, it was about more than the game. But I have had a chance to type things through, and I am feeling a bit better about it all now.

Which is probably why the recent poster got up my nose so much with her bland assumptions and statements that she "knew it all".

In honesty there are a lot of things not great. But in the end, we are in quite a stressful place at the moment, as far as our extended personal life goes, and I am very far from being perfect myself.

I do get fucked off by the quantity of time spent with us in the same room but with him with his back to me playing on the computer. And yet, as a reaction to that, I am sat here mumsnetting. So it looks like I am sat playing on my computer too. But I don't think it is an ideal way to live. And yet... Computers are my husband's social life. He doesn't go out drinking, he doesn't go to football. He just plays on the computer.

I am tired of my opinions not mattering though. It is weird, because it is quite insidious. I'm not allowed to disagree with him. He gets quite offended if I do. If I express an opinion he doesn't agree with, he brushes it aside, or explains (at length) why I am wrong and I just don't understand.

And I hate hate hate conflict of any type. I can't be bothered to argue. I am intelligent and often eloquent, but I can never explain to him why actually I am not wrong.

But he is a good man. He is kind, generous and affectionate. And funny. He just believes he is always right, and knows more than me.

Sorry I've not read the entire thread through but I'd say YABU about your DH buying the game, he is an adult and like you said you aren't his parent. However YANBU to expect him to play when your child is around.

My DH is a massive gamer and the only rule we have regarding it is no playing when the kids are up. We do sometimes have wii/ kinect family nights but GTA wouldn't be the game of choice!

What the hell? I regularly watch 'Let's Plays' on YouTube. I don't watch them to 'get tips'. That would ruin the game for me if I was playing it.

I watch Let's Plays to go through games I won't personally end up buying, or games where there are multiple paths and I want to see others play it to see what they got instead of playing the whole thing again myself. Often because the plot is interesting, or I don't know whether I'm interested in buying a game and playing it myself, or (most often) because the specific person's commentary is hilarious. I got into it mainly due to Amnesia: The Dark Descent, which is an absolutely bloody fantastic and ingenious game, but one which I cannot personally be in the driving seat for without having an instant nervous breakdown. Watching other people shit their pants, though - hilarious.

Games cost money, and take time and effort. Watching them is free and can be done while chilling out or eating or whatever.

Much more interesting than watching e.g. football on the telly, listening to some boring fucker, who also happens to be watching it, talk about it. Plus you get an insight into many YouTubers' lives which can be interesting on the side. To a greater extent than football commentators' 'hurrrr, that's what my wife said last night, Terry'.

YANBU

It's a horrible 'game', and I'd be pissed off for all the same reasons you are.

Oh dear. I bought DH GTA5 as a treat. He played it through and is done with it. We like gaming but don't do online gaming. If you play through the levels there is lots of humour in GTA. And lots of satire. The handwringing of how GTA would destroy civilisation has been going on since the launch of the first game! The world hasn't ended. My favourite is actually the GTA London expansion pack for the first game. Fab.
I do, however, have a problem with parents who don't take game certification seriously.

Oak maiden, I am on your side. I think that if you have got the puff the best way forward is as ever to try to tell him how this has made you feel.
Can't help feeling the man needs a bit of a wake up call. Gaming is a lot of fun, but there is more to life, and I think your dh is a lucky man to have you and perhaps needs to be aware of that.

WTF!
There are no rape scenes in GTA. The scene you are referring to is meant to depict and imply cannibalism, not rape. So get over yourself.
How can you possibly pass comment on something you've never even played.
I am a grown woman who enjoys gaming. I own a PS4 and very expensive gaming laptop which I made myself. The games I play vary in genre. I was bought up on role playing games such as warhammer which my father got me into. I've never broken the law and I'm not in anyway weird or odd. I'm married with children who are well behaved and have never been in trouble either. These games do not harm people, people harm people.
Why don't you lot get off your high horses before you give yourself a nose bleed and let your husbands partners do what they like with THEIR spare time.
You go on about abuse yet you are controlling your partners & husbands by refusing to let a computer game into the house that they probably pay half the expense for if not more!
I've heard it all now, computer game snobbery haha.
Well MN I bid you farewell because clearly we are just worlds apart.
To all my fellow gaming buddies I'll see you on the gaming boards I'm sure.

How can you possibly pass comment on something you've never even played

People pass comment every day on things they've never done. There are other ways to inform yourself other than doing a thing. Otherwise we could never have juries on murder trials, for example.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Controversies_surrounding_Grand_Theft_Auto_V

I am intelligent and often eloquent, but I can never explain to him why actually I am not wrong.

But he is a good man. .... He just believes he is always right, and knows more than me.

I don't think you should aim to explain why you are not wrong - more explain your point of view or reasons.

A strategy for talking to those who think they are always right: when you are putting a counter-argument precede it with 'As you said' or 'Actually I agree with you...' 'I think you hit the nail on the head when you said '

It helps to get them to drop their permanently conflictual setting, but if nothing else it's really funny watching the puzzled thoughts flitting through their heads

Seriously though, I'm with you all the way on understanding your worry over the example he's setting to your DC.

You are trying to bring up your DC to not be misogynistic (including not colluding in the hateful exploitation of women/children industry that is porn) - and he is continually undermining your attempts.

At the least it is very poor parenting on his part. It is also very disrespectful and dismissive of your opinions and feelings.

Oakmaiden, have you read "Men explain things to me"? www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Explain-Things-Rebecca-Solnit/dp/1608463869

It's well worth a read, and very funny while not being at all funny.

Mega YABU for me. Grown man who understands what's going on, not like it's going to influence his behaviour at work!

As for "enacting rape scenes" you or your husbands are massive liars. I'd much prefer my children were influenced by people who play GTA and are fully aware it's a game than people who invent sensationalist lies to suit their agenda

Ooothat'snice - huh? Are you actually reading the same thread as me?

Nobody - absolutely nobody - has said that there are rape scenes in GTA on this thread. A few people have said "there is a myth that there are" but no-one has raised it as a concern. The concern is more about the portrayal of women, and violence, and the attitudes this demonstrates.

Nobody, on this thread, has said that computer gaming of any type will cause people to become weird, odd or break the law. A very few people have said they find the idea of adults playing computer games strange - I guess they are also the sort of people who don't play board games, etc. Some people don't like games, and don't understand the attraction. Each to their own. But it must be said - they people who have stated that opinion here are VASTLY outnumbered by the people who have said "oh, I like playing computer games".

As for trying to control a partner's spare time - I can only assume that is aimed specifically at me. And I don't. I am allowed to have my own feelings about how recreational time in my family is spent, though - and the fact that the vast majority of time my husband spends at home and awake is spent plugged into the computer. Mostly because it detracts from the time he is available to spend interacting with me and our children. Surely that is a valid concern? But even then - it is not one I actually say anything about, unless I have a very specific activity I want to do as a couple/family.

Nobody has suggested any type of domestic abuse on this thread - and the few who have said they would not let the game into the house have been roundly criticised for their opinion.

So basically - almost everything you have said in your post is irrelevant to the discussion that has actually occurred on the thread. Not least because again the vast majority of posters have said they think I am being unreasonable. So either you are looking for something to be offended about, or you haven't actually bothered reading the thread and are assuming you know what has been said.

Very strange person.

OP
Yesterday, 20:20

"YANBU. DP plays loads of video games but he refuses to play anything like GTA. It's a horrible game that involves enacting out rape scenes but apparently that's okay because it's "just a game".

Disgusting imo."

Yes they did.

OK - one person mentioned rape scenes. But only one. Who was immediately told she was wrong. So please stop frothing at the mouth about one comment one random poster made, the inaccuracy of which has been pointed out. It doesn't make all other arguments against invalid.

In fact the arguments on here went some way to calming some of my concerns - although I do still dislike the blatant misogyny and have my disapproving face on for that.

But all the people who have clearly only read the first page and are lashing back at that are really doing the "GTA5 is OK" side no favours at all.

Xpost. When you posted a similar comment I went back and spotted a comment I had forgotten.

Nothing wrong with ooohs post.

Your whole argument in here is entirely contradictory. Why does your husband have to hold the same opinions as you?

I'm liberal on all fronts, but given you admit you lost the porn debate (sponsored sexual assault according to much of mumsnet) I think you are shutting the gate after the horse has bolted if you are giving him a pass on that but putting your foot down on GTA

That's like allowing him to have a porn collection but banning Heat magazine from the house!

In terms of the wider issues (by the way op, despite my tone I'm not having a go, I respect how you've dealt with the comments in here and aren't ignoring anyone who disagrees with you)

Try a night or two a week "device" free. We do that now and it makes both the evenings together and time doing our own thing both much more enjoyable as there isn't a conscience tapping us on the shoulder and we can give both things our full attention

Ahhhh! I have not said I am "putting my foot down" on anything. I merely said that I was fucked off about it. In fact I have said many MANY times that I have no right or ability to allow or disallow him to do anything he wants.

I was just expressing my dissatisfaction. And I have even acknowledged that I have been slightly contradictory - as this thread has allowed my to explore what I am thinking more clearly and indeed has changed my opinion a little.

And what is wrong with oooh's post is she/he appears to be flouncing because a few people on a thread have an opinion different to her/him. Even though they are the minority on the thread, and the majority have disagreed with their statements.

OK.

Yes, I think the device free evenings are a good idea. The reason I have never implemented something like that before, is that I feel if I am dragging him away from his preferred hobby I have to be offering something else that he will enjoy. and whilst we could spend two evenings a week having sex, I think I would prefer him to just play on the computer

Board game evening. I think that might be the beginning of an answer. And then making sure we go out somewhere as a family on a Sunday, so we are spending fmaily time together.

What else do people do together? It seems a strange question to ask, but I have no idea what normal people do with their time. Most of our 20 year marriage has been swallowed up by computers...