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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder why some older people resist moving into retirement homes

294 replies

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/04/2015 08:07

Quite a few of my friends have parents who are getting to the stage where they could do with moving out of the family home. Their family home is too big, too expensive to run, garden is too big etc.

I don't know a single friend whose parents or parent made a simple decision to move. Most have stayed in their massive houses getting more and more isolated and lonely.

It's never really clear why they won't move though.
A friend is a physio and says she sees loads of older people in housing that is no longer right for them wishing they had moved earlier?

Anyone any idea why people stay in their old home when it's no longer sensible?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 13/04/2015 08:10

Because there is more to decision making than common sense and practicalities.

CaptainFabulous · 13/04/2015 08:11

In my grans case, her dementia means that dropping her in an unfamiliar house, maybe sharing space with a load of strangers, would be kind of cruel.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 13/04/2015 08:11

It's their home

AskBasil · 13/04/2015 08:12

Because it's their home, where their memories are, where they were happy bringing up their children?

In many cases it means that it still roughly feels like it's the centre of the family -where people go for Christmas etc.

It keeps the person in the house at the centre of the family instead of on the outskirts. Going into a retirement home removes someone from the centre of the family.

It may just look like a commonsense decision, but the emotional and psychological ramifications are enormous.

I don't think it's that difficult to understand really.

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/04/2015 08:13

Pretty generic answer to a specific question but you are right of course.

I was hoping to discuss what that more you referred to actually is.

OP posts:
Superexcited · 13/04/2015 08:14

Because it is their home which they have worked and payed for and they don't want to be forced to sell it to pay for care home fees. They have memories in their homes, it isn't just bricks and mortar.
Some people are also afraid of going into sheltered housing or care homes or don't want to move into a poky flat and get rid of all of their treasured belongings.
If we had a proper care in the community programme which was properly funded older people would be able to get the practical support that they need to remain comfortably in their homes for as long as they wish.

bookbag40 · 13/04/2015 08:14

Yes we have had this situation with an elderly relative. I suppose they resist because it's probably very hard to admit to themselves that they are not coping as really once you move into a retirement home you know the end Is nigh! Also I guess for many of them it would have been their home for 20-30 years. They would have brought their children up there and hopefully have had happy memories which would be hard to leave behind forever. My grandad had to move to a home and he still really misses his house even though he knows he can't manage it on his own. It's very sad.

JoandMax · 13/04/2015 08:15

DHs grandma is 92 and still in her own home, there are a million practical reasons she should move.....

But she's lived there nearly all her life, her babies were born in that house, she became a widow at 50 living there, her grandchildren and great-grandchildren have played there - so any memories and her whole life and heart is in that house. Its hard but we're all doing everything we can to keep her there

cupcakesandapples · 13/04/2015 08:15

A lot of older people also dont want their life savings spent on care home fees. Theyd rather struggle and have an inheritance for their children.

Also illnesses like dementia often make people very nervous and scared of change and moving would amplify this.

CarmelasFridge · 13/04/2015 08:16

When you're tired and ill would you feel like leaving your home forever? I wouldn't.

Eastpoint · 13/04/2015 08:16

My godmother has moved into a retirement property/sheltered housing 'early' at around 75 as a flat came up with a very large balcony with a view. She is finding it very difficult to adjust to a flat having always lived in a house with a garden. Although there are communal areas and she finds all the residents go to bed very early. She knows rationally that it is the right thing to have done (her eyesight is failing & she won't be able to drive much longer) she isn't enjoying the move.

wigglesrock · 13/04/2015 08:18

I've helped both my grandmothers move out of their home, it was very sad, their hearts broke a bit, my parents worried themselves silly over it. In both cases, my Nanas had lived in their home for decades, in one case it was the house my granny moved to after her husband died, it was the place she felt safe with her large, young family. It was where her kids, grandkids and great grandkids could come home to, it was where she buried her son from. They felt old, useless, no longer trusted to live alone, potter about their garden, eat what and when they wanted to - they felt it was a complete loss of independence for them. They have both settled in to their respective homes fairly well, but it was hard and it's still quite difficult.

OurGlass · 13/04/2015 08:18

They simply don't want to. They don't want to leave their memories and the thought of moving is just too much. In my Grandads own words 'I want to die in my own chair'.

FenellaFellorick · 13/04/2015 08:19

I think it's because many people are very sentimental and they attach meaning to a pile of bricks. They think that's where their memories are.

So you have someone who remembers they brought their baby home to that house, or remembers their kids running round screaming, perhaps they remember a happy marriage and their partner is now dead and they think the house is keeping them closer, etc etc.

You have someone who has lived an entire life, maybe raised children, maybe worked, maybe made a lifetime's worth of choices and they perhaps fear a loss of independence. Also, change can be scary. Sometimes when change is forced on you because you are getting older that adds an additional fear to it.

There's also acknowledging your age and what that inevitably means. Nothing says it's my time to die more than being moved out of your house into a room in a nursing home. It's reasonable to be scared and to resist that.

YaTalkinToMe · 13/04/2015 08:19

For my Grampy it was because that had been his home since he married my Gran, he designed it and helped build it. They raised all their children there (one sadly died), extended elderly family lived there with them during periods, it was also the hub as grandchildren were born and raised.
He felt it held all his memories.
He did eventually move- thank fuck!

ApocalypseNowt · 13/04/2015 08:19

I think there's the finality to it too. Let's face there's only one way out of a retirement/care home - I don't blame people for not wanted to take that step closer.

Also agree with PP about people's home/memories/safe place.

Floisme · 13/04/2015 08:19

Because they hope to leave their home to their children?

Although if any of them have been reading some aibu threads lately they may decide not to bother.

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/04/2015 08:20

Thanks for all the replies. Only scan read so far but just wanted to say this isn't about care homes.

OP posts:
pictish · 13/04/2015 08:20

Because it's the death knell....why do you think? No one wants to concede to that final stage of leaving their life as they knew it behind, and going somewhere strange where they know they're going to leave in a shroud!

Most of us would like to live out our last surrounded by our memories.

I am surprised you struggle to understand this.

angelopal · 13/04/2015 08:21

Leaving their home. Giving up their independence. Having to admit they need help. Not wanting to sell their house to pay for care they do not want. Scared to go into a care home. The quality of care varies in homes.

18yearstooold · 13/04/2015 08:21

Reasons my dad will never go into a home...

Loss of control/freedom -at home he eats when he likes, sleeps when he likes etc

He's an antisocial bugger -at home if he gets fed up of one room he can potter into another, in a residential home he would be stuck in his room or faced with having to be social -he can be but in his terms

He would resent paying to live in a home that wasn't his when he had spent his working life building a family home

He still sees his house as a family home that we can all stay at if we need to for any reason -in his mind its not just his house

It would be admitting he is in fact old he's 70 with a heart condition

He's seen people receive poor care in homes in the past and is frightened it would be the same

He's too proud to admit he needs help, with anything, ever

MoreBeta · 13/04/2015 08:21

Having this discussion with MIL who refuses to go into sheltered accommodation.

She has no downstairs bathroom and struggles to climb stairs. Says going into sheltered 'would kill her'. She says she and her friends will all 'take a pill' if they cant manage anymore.

Actually she is extremely selfish and manipulative and expects everyone to run around after her when anything needs doing in her house.

DW and me are actively discussing sheltered housing for ourselves and we are only age 50 and 51! Having watched our parents grow old and struggle in houses that are unsuitable we do no want that to happen to us.

FenellaFellorick · 13/04/2015 08:23

no matter where you're going, it's just basically the same thing.

Spotifymuse · 13/04/2015 08:25

Because many elderly people are made to feel guilty about selling their home to fund care by greedy, money grabbing offspring who consider an inheritance as their right.

ItsADinosaur · 13/04/2015 08:26

It's a loss of independence. It's admitting to yourself you can't manage anymore.