To wonder why some older people resist moving into retirement homes

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Quite a few of my friends have parents who are getting to the stage where they could do with moving out of the family home. Their family home is too big, too expensive to run, garden is too big etc.

I don't know a single friend whose parents or parent made a simple decision to move. Most have stayed in their massive houses getting more and more isolated and lonely.

It's never really clear why they won't move though.
A friend is a physio and says she sees loads of older people in housing that is no longer right for them wishing they had moved earlier?

Anyone any idea why people stay in their old home when it's no longer sensible?

2 choices, move in good time to a smaller manageable property, or leave it too late and everyone suffers.

I know an asset rich cash poor couple in their 70's who went for equity release rather than downsize and liquidate their assets.
They have spent much of the 'windfall' improving their property, so investing in an asset which no longer belongs to them.
All very short sighted :( ?

Who can afford a retirement home if you don't need one. Downsize if you want to a smaller place; make adaptations to your own home, if you can afford to and it works for you.
Whatever. Your choice if you are still competent to make it. Nobody else's business.

I'd hate to lose the independence I have to live my life the way I want to, instead of by how a home was run. I've fought to keep my independence and avoid sheltered housing with my social worker and occupational therapist. Housing can be adapted and care can be arranged in the home, I find it a preferable option.

Also retirement 'viallge' means accepting that you are getting old.

Getting old means you are coming close to your death.

No one wants to think about that sort of things.

And then, as you are getting 'older' (as in into your 80s etc), thinking about moving, changing your routine, not being in the house you've lived in for the last 40 years etc... is HARD. Very hard.

So yes much better thinking about it before hand and move before you really need to, when you still have more energy and flexibility for it.

an older person will be assessed as no longer being able to live independently in their own home because that home is unsuitable. So many residential care home admissions could be avoided if the older person had a more suitable home.

This is an excellent point.

Yes it would be lovely if you could stay in your family home forever, but unless you are wealthy or have a very involved family to provide lots of care, for many this will prove impossible at some point.

If you move to a sensible property when you are still young enough to settle into a new community you will maximise your chances of avoiding a nursing home.

If you stay in your home with steep stairs, an upstairs bathroom and no shops or family nearby, then your eventual move will be more likely to be into a nursing home at short notice as the hospital deems your house unsafe after you fall down the stairs/ develop dementia/ your arthritis gets bad.

My parents are resolutely staying in their thoroughly impractical family home insisting that they will never move and never ever go into a nursing home. Of course it holds memories for them and they would be sad to move. What they can't see is that by staying there they are increasing the chance of being sent to a crappy nursing home when they can't cope anymore and the hospital are rushing them out to the first available home to avoid bed blocking.

Other relatives moved from their long term home in a tiny village to a smaller more suitable property in a town. Of course they were sad to move, but they felt it was sensible, and they settled well into their new area, which they had chosen carefully. They have since rapidly deteriorated in health- unexpectedly- and are very relieved that they moved when they did as they are nearer family, within easy walking distance of shops and doctors and social clubs, have a downstairs bathroom.

It is about pragmatism and planning ahead.

And tbh, I wouldn't want to be surrounded by 'old' people (as in me being 75yo surrounded by 75yo).

There is something about the mentality of people. I found that people in retirement villages are likely to be the ones who want the help and see themselves as old, unable to do X, needing peace and quiet (because they are old so can't cope with it) etc... If you don't (as my parents for example), being surrounded by that sort of attitude would be hard to deal with.

As someone rapidly heading towards that age I think it is facing that this isn't a stage in life where you are progressing, moving on etc but accepting that you are moving towards the end. Doesn't mean it is imminent but not a very positive thought for many although I know a really fit active couple in mid to late 60s who have moved into sheltered flat. They view it as positive as it has freed up alot of capital, they love travelling and feel they can now afford to travel and feel the flat is in safe hands while they are away. I think maybe that is the difference, they have turned it into a positive.

It's pretty hard to get suitable housing for disabilities, so I would imagine it's the same for the elderly. I agree it's something they need to work on improving, my life has been much better since I got a ground floor flat and a wet room.

It doesn't have to be a retirement village situation though does it?
Just a suitable / manageable property? ?

I think some people are also a bit snobby about the idea of lving in a flat, they see it as beneath them

I think it's accepting that it's "game over". As my nan said about going into a home - "There's only one way I'm leaving there".

I also think people leave it too late to start downsizing and then it beciomes a more emotive issue because they feel they're being forced into a course of action rather than making a lifestyle choice. My parents sold the family house when me and dsis left home and moved into a smaller property with a more manageable garden where there is a better bus service into town and shops close by. Dmil also sold up and moved into an apartment close to the town centre. They have more disposable income to enjoy themselves plus dont have the stress of things going wrong and having to clean and maintain a big house.

I know we've had the whole "90 isn't old" discussion this week, but as you get into your 60's and beyond, little halth niggles get more serious. DM had a herniated disc and it was a godsend to have the bedroom and full bathroom downstairs while she recovered from the op, otherwise I dont know what she would have done.

Suzanne I think flats are okay, it's bungalows which are seen as social death

Also giving up having a garden is a big issue for some people. Bungalows tend to be more expensive than semi detached or terraced houses, so many people can't afford them. But a flat usually means the loss of your own garden. My MIL spent a few hours every day gardening. She would have been very upset not to have her garden.

I'd honestly prefer a bungalow, as I miss having my own garden. I may be lucky yet as I will need an extra bedroom when my daughter comes home, I'll be hoping to get one as she'll need outdoor space.

My Grand Mother has lived in her house for 71 years, She nursed her own mother there until she was needed to go into an old peoples home, to die.

She raised three children there, since my Grandfathers death 30 years ago she has changed the house into a lovely warm and friendly property, at 92 she still cooks herself a nice lunch every day. Why would she want to leave? I wouldn't.

There is a big differance between downsizing and moving into Care Home, moving to a Care Home only means one thing, is one way.

That said I think my generation is differant, people buy first property later, have children later. I plan on buying a nice retiement property once the kids have left home. Release equity to live on and also to help my children maybe get a foot on the property ladder. Where I live the retirement property is lovely, I wouldn't mind moving into this around 60 tbh (40 now).

We are in our 50s, with children still at school. I was looking into downsizing when the children leave home, but where do you find these bungalows that are worth less than our 3-bed semi to downsize into? You seem to pay a premium for them, as they seem to be bought by developers who do loft conversions!

And flats have to be on the ground floor, or with a lift, as how would you manage the stairs. Flats near us seem to be "luxury", with a corresponding ridiculously high price tag, aimed at London commuters.

One of our next-door neighbours told us when we first moved in about ten years ago that they were looking to downsize to a bungalow, but since then haven't found one locally that is cheaper than their house (not even taking into account moving costs).

Meanwhile, our other next-door neighbour is in his 90s, and still living happily in his 3-bed semi, which is large enough to accommodate his relatives, who regularly visit him. He just installed a downstairs bathroom, and lives downstairs. I'm now thinking that's the best way to organise it, really.

If we had a larger, more valuable house, then it would work though, as we could afford a suitable property. It's just that around here - near London - there's such a shortage of suitable housing.

Why are bungalows seen as social death? I only lived in bungalows as a child in Devon, when my parents split up they each bought a bungalow, my mum still lives in hers, my dad eventually moved into a sheltered flat.

They are more expensive though - you certainly get more house for your money if you have stairs. I suppose if you have a spare downstairs reception room that you could turn into a bedroom and a downstairs bathroom you could manage even if you get less mobile but what's the point of living somewhere where you are wasting half the house.

My problem with moving into a flat would be the noise levels. I live in a detached house, I'd hate to move somewhere where I could hear my neighbours. Years ago I had a conversion flat in London and could hear my neighbour's radio at 6am when his alarm went off and at midnight when he was listening to the shipping forecast.

However, planning ahead is really important. I don't really get the emotional thing with a house as it's just somewhere to live for me so I'd be happy to move on. But we're all different. However, it is better for your family if you move out of a big house you can't manage, and it also frees up a house for a family who needs it.

I don't know. A lot of people seem to not like them though.

I am in my early fifties and my husband is in his early sixties. He runs. A lot. Marathons, sometimes. He still commutes to work in London every day. He would laugh if someone told him he needed to sell up and buy a house with accessible entrance and a downstairs sleeping area. We are both economically active (I plan on being so for at least another 20 years) and have children of 16 and 18. Moving into some kind of retirement ghetto seems bizarre at the moment. We actually wanted to buy a bigger house three years ago but couldn't because of a redundancy. We haven't ruled it out and if it happened it would not be to have more bedrooms (we have four at the moment) but to have larger rooms.

I don't understand how the OP doesn't understand.

Abraid2 - I hope you are both very healthy for a long time. But I think that highlights that people don't think about these things, because health can often deteriorate very suddenly. Like the person who posted on this thread about their parent getting dementia in their early 70's.
One minute you can be very healthy and able, and a few years later, unable to manage a move easily.

Cretaceous have tried a Zoopla or Right Move search of your area choosing "Retirement". There may be more than you you think.

Certain areas are awash with these, Hove for example. They are lovely, with lifts and very socialable.

My parents looked at moving about 15 years ago, and did a lot of clearing out, but didn't go any further with it. Their health has now deteriorated and I doubt they would cope with a move. However the house they have lived in since before I was born is a bungalow, and easy for them to move about in. They need a bit more help with the outside at times, but can either get us to do that or pay when necessary. My dad has said if it came to it he wouldn't stay there on his own, but for the moment I think they are well set up.

For us, we are in our 40s and trying to do up our two bedroom flat which is too small for us, and in an area I hate living in, in the hope someone will buy it. We probably face having to move to a three bedroom flat which is only slightly bigger and also in an area I don't particularly want to live, but not as bad as where we are now. I would love to have a house and garden, but at the moment we can't afford it where we are and my husband refuses to consider moving out of the city. If in years to come we manage to get a house, I can see me staying there until I am carried out or am forced to move.

Really interesting discussion. The only firm conclusion I've reached is getting more frail / older sucks.

I also think it's pretty clear a lot of the population at least on mumsnet think a retirement home (apartments for the over 65s) and retirement villages are care homes.

The main but that annoys me is the "wanting to keep their independence" thing. In reality this often means relying in family to care for the home and the elderly relative.

It's great if the relatives are willing and able to do this. But often people have their own lives and don't have the time or energy to care for their parents and their property.

Someone I know has moved into a retirement flat when her house got too much for her to manage the maintenance, although she's still very healthy and active. It seems a good set up, although she was fairly unimpressed at the temperature controls on her bath, which they adjusted slightly but still cooler than she would like. The thought of someone telling me I can't have a hot bath is something I have no idea how I would cope with!