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Original poster

To wonder why some older people resist moving into retirement homes

294 replies

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/04/2015 08:07

Quite a few of my friends have parents who are getting to the stage where they could do with moving out of the family home. Their family home is too big, too expensive to run, garden is too big etc.

I don't know a single friend whose parents or parent made a simple decision to move. Most have stayed in their massive houses getting more and more isolated and lonely.

It's never really clear why they won't move though.
A friend is a physio and says she sees loads of older people in housing that is no longer right for them wishing they had moved earlier?

Anyone any idea why people stay in their old home when it's no longer sensible?

OP posts:
Yepcomfortable · 13/04/2015 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Superexcited · 13/04/2015 09:27

Because there is no point encouraging somebody to downsize in their 50's if they still have children. They still need a family house to live in. Many children are unable to leave home now until well into their twenties so where will they live if you go about encouraging all of their (still quite young) parents to downsize?

mariamin · 13/04/2015 09:30

Doesn't anyone move in with their family any more?

suzannecanthecan · 13/04/2015 09:30

I downsized as soon as my kids left home!

Wanting to stay in a large family home when elderly is all very well if you can cope on your own but if other family members have to enable it seems selfish.

It is also an inefficient use of limited housing stock ?

LaVolcan · 13/04/2015 09:30

It sounds trite, but some 65 year olds are 'old' whereas some 90+ year olds are not. MIL has turned 90, still lives alone without needing support, still walks to town daily for her newspaper, and still cooks regularly for 'the old people' at Church. Some of these 'old people' are 15 years or more younger than her. MIL still insists on doing these things - she knows that if she stops she will age quickly.

MrsMook · 13/04/2015 09:33

I can't see Dm moving without a crisis, either health or financial.

She lives in a very unsuitable house with many stairs, and a layout that is difficult to adapt due to it being an old, listed building. She got by when her knee was replaced, but it was hard. Her toilets/ bathroom and kitchen are on different floors, so living well on one level is not an option. Since she was widowed 23 years ago, she has talked about downsizing. Even then the family needs have changed and what she visualises is greater than a sensible need. Her sticking point is her obsessive hoarding. She struggles to let go of anything. Even me taking some of my books and toys for my DCs to use for the purpose for which they were kept causes her discomfort. She simply can't deal with clearing things out en-mass, and she cannot sell up and move on until that happens. And family cannot do that for an otherwise rational, competent person.

She's following the same behaviour as her mother who lived in her unsuitable house until she was 90. "Fortunately " she died after a very short illness and hospital admission so she never had to move out. Dealing with the possessions and property was simpler for that.

It would be simpler for all if DM moved sooner rather than later, but her emotional issues are over riding her rational view point.

On the otherhand, my neighbour, same age as Dm, has moved to a care home due to her physical and mental health. She is happier there and had been emotionally struggling to adapt to life on her own following the loss of her husband. In a way, her fall that triggered the move happened at an appropriate time for her other needs.

SomewhereIBelong · 13/04/2015 09:34

My stepmum moved into a retirement flat when my dad died. It is high class/quality, lovely, costs a bomb in service charges and how to put it delicately.... resale on her death could take years since the people who run it all have so many covenants.

I'm in my 50s with kids age 12 and 14 - nowadays the average age of moving out is about 27, I'll be in my 70s before I can even think about downsizing.

Floisme · 13/04/2015 09:35

Its part of the behaviour pattern that has marked the 'boomer' generation of believing someone else should look after them and pay the cost.

I can't see anyone in your posts who is a 'boomer'. All the people you speak of appear to be age 75+.

suzannecanthecan · 13/04/2015 09:35

He is just overwhelmed at the thought of a move. He would have to get rid of stuff and can't face sorting through what he keeps, and what goes

I think that is quite common but it is his stuff and if he doesn't deal with it someone else has to
?
It's irresponsible to accumulate more stuff than you can manage and live in a property you can't manage because it means other people have to pick up the pieces ?

As a society we need to encourage people to plan ahead and take responsibility for their long term well being ?

poisonedbypen · 13/04/2015 09:37

My parents have done this& we have vowed not to fall into the same trap. Mine just left it too late & now can't face moving. It will get even worse when my father an no longer drive. It's very hard. When you are well enough you don't want to move & when you need to you can't/won't.

mariamin · 13/04/2015 09:41

suzanne - I said that about the stuff. My parents are not that old. My mum is trying to plan ahead which is why she wants to move to a small flat. She has lots of sports injuries caused when she was young, that are now causing problems with her mobility now she is older.
But my dad who is only 70, is physically fine, but since retiring, his ability to deal with stress has went way down. He doesn't have lots of stuff, but more than would fit into the small 1 bedroom flat my mum wants.

winewolfhowls · 13/04/2015 09:42

I would also add that my parents in their sixties would downsize to a bungalow but they are much more expensive than a semi. Also my db does work but cant afford a place on his own which also keeps parents where they are

CMOTDibbler · 13/04/2015 09:42

The only place my parents will be moving to is residential care at this point as they are still in their house with carers, cleaner, gardener, handyman. They couldn't have forseen that at 73 my mum would have advanced dementia, and by the time it was apparent, moving would be really bad for her.

PIL otoh, are 70 somethings, in goodish health but starting to fail. They have a large house, at the top of a hill and are increasingly unable to keep on top of the maintenance of it and the garden.

They refuse to downsize as they 'still need' a large dining room to have the family round (once or twice a year) and a garage (for the vintage car fil drives maybe once a year).
They are holding onto what they had and refusing to look to the future - which I can't blame them for entirely.

PurpleWithRed · 13/04/2015 09:43

Nobody has mentioned having their elderly parents come and live with them - which would be an ideal solution for many elderly people. They would have loving carers and a social life 24/7 and could protect their children's inheritance if that's what they wanted to do.

Unfortunately it demands a big sacrifice from the younger element of the family. I could have my mum come and live with me - but it would mean including her in every aspect of our lives, putting in a stair lift, living with her multiple trips to the loo every night, listening to the tv at 20 decibels higher than I can bear, having the Daily Mail delivered every morning and listening to its contents every afternoon.

And I am not prepared to make that sacrifice. Shame on me. Not that she expects me to.

NorahDentressangle · 13/04/2015 09:43

Are there nice retirement homes around?

In the US people in their 50s move into these subdivisions, they have lovely homes, swimming pool, golf course, etc etc.

My DM moved into a care home - one pokey bedroom, but still cost a fortune in fees. So basically everything had to be chucked.

Floisme · 13/04/2015 09:46

But why should everyone over 50 be expected to live together? It seems bizarre to me

suzannecanthecan · 13/04/2015 09:48

As the population ages this will become more of a problem, our housing stock doesn't fit the needs of the population.

We need to incentives for people to live in appropriate accommodation, families need family homes, elderly people don't ?

NorahDentressangle · 13/04/2015 09:48

And I am not prepared to make that sacrifice. Shame on me. Not that she expects me to

Not yet!!!
My DM always insisted we were to 'stick her in a home' when she got old and frail, due to how difficult her DM had been for her Dsis to care for.
That changed totally when the time came!
I felt like Purple and had anxiety attacks just thinking of having DM there 24/7, so, despite great guilt on my part, she was moved into a home (unable to walk by then).

Yepcomfortable · 13/04/2015 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorahDentressangle · 13/04/2015 09:50

everyone over 50 be expected to live together

They choose to live together, because of the facilities, and no kids allowed (possibly visits but that's all).

Aeroflotgirl · 13/04/2015 09:50

Because its their home, and they are familiar with it. Why not stay in their homes as long as they are able to, retirement homes are not always a good option. Tbh, the standard of care and the way the elderly are treated in some is appalling, it is no wonder the elderly want to stay put as long as possible.

magimedi · 13/04/2015 09:51

I am pushing 60 & DH pushing 70.

When we retired & bought this house we looked at things very practically. So it is modern, brick (no painting), plastic windows and we redesigned the garden so it is easy to maintain. We cut down on clutter all the time so try to have the minimum of stuff to deal with.

We've talked about what we will do in the future. If we can't drive we'd be a bit stuffed as only a few buses a day & when one of us is left on their own we would move into town. We've even identified areas & roads we'd move to.

But, we are both pretty practical & having seen what happened to both sets of parents who didn't move in time, are well aware of what could happen.

I would not want to live in a retirement village, I'd hate the lack of diversity.

Dowser · 13/04/2015 09:52

The lady next to me is now in a care home in her early/ mid seventies.

She refused to budge . She was even offered a bungalow next door for her house in a home swap. Still wouldn't budge .

Now she has no choice unless the home is sold and she can downsize to a small bungalow.

My aunt and uncle were the same. Wouldn't get a bungalow . Then when one was left on their own, couldn't manage and ended up in a care home.

We must plan for our futures while we are still able.

Floisme · 13/04/2015 09:53

They choose to live together, because of the facilities, and no kids allowed (possibly visits but that's all).
That sounds ghastly to me but hey each to their own Smile

Aeroflotgirl · 13/04/2015 09:56

My Auntie lives in the US she has told me that the retirement villages are like hotels, residents are treated really well. Here they are few and far between, you will most probably get a poky little room and spend time in a communal lounge. You have to get up at a certain time and go to bed at a certain time, which suits the carers. No matter that you want to stay up and chat to other residents or watch something on the tv at 10pm. That is why people are staying put, and I will until I can no longer look after myself.